Jelly bean

[Jelly bean]

Thank you ladies. I think I just find it hard not to do as I’m told because that’s all I’ve ever been used to with him. I’ve been told not to answer to him unless it’s directly to do with the children but it’s really hard for me to not reply. This week it’s pretty much been an email a day with threats of going back to court, reporting me to the police etc. I think he is throwing his toys out of the pram because I’ve moved and I haven’t told him. I thought that now there is a court order in place things would start to get easier but it just seems that problems keep coming up all the time now.

I didn’t think he was able to have a say in day to day life, but he’s so convincing to me that it makes me question it if that makes sense. My family keep telling me he’s doing it to scare me and to not worry, but it’s easier said than done. Deep down I think I know they are right but it still just sends me into a panic.

I just need to learn how to deal with him I suppose.

[Jelly bean]

Kip it is just driving me insane. Honestly. He’s now saying he basically wants to decide what the kids do on a day to day basis. Because I won’t agree, apparently we will be going back to court. He currently has normal alternate weekend contact. We are not in a position to speak or work together, it’s a case of I do what I want when I have them and he does what he wants when he has them. How can he think he has the right to control what we do day to day? It sounds ridiculous when I say it like that but the worry is just eating at me.

[Jelly bean]

I hope you’re all right. If I’ve learnt anything during the last year it’s that the legal world is very different than I realised. I’ve been forced to do a lot of things I can’t stand and decisions that have been made have left the door open for him to continue to ruin my life. The last thing I need is the fear of him knowing where I live. Me and the girls have had a really nice few days away and one word from him and it ruins it all for me. I have no idea how to not let him affect me so much.

You’re right kip. I don’t have to answer to him any more. So I’ve just ignored it. For now until I’m told where I stand legally I suppose! X

[Jelly bean]

I haven’t as yet said anything, but as you just guessed, my eldest has already mentioned to him about a new house. Although both children are very young and not at an age where they know their address yet. We have already been to court in the past so I’ve tried to contact my solicitor but I’ve heard nothing back so far. I’m now just worrying about not answering him, I hate how I’m still scared to say things I know he won’t like or scared to not reply to him x

[Jelly bean]

Thanks for all your comments. I get a lot of support from your words! Can the courts force me to change my girls name from my last name to his by the way? Does anyone know this x

[Jelly bean]

Thank you! I had no idea about this. Will definitely look into it. X

[Jelly bean]

It seems that all of these men have this in common. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way, I was starting to get really angry with myself.

Escapednotfree – I too have had to report to the police for harrassment. It sounds awful what you have been through, having him bring someone else into your own home.. It must be heartbreaking. I hope you manage to sort something soon so you’re not homeless x

Healthyarchive – you’re not rambling, I appreciate your advice. I guess you’re right, he obviously just can’t think of anything better to do with her so he’s just sticking to what he knows. I think it’s easy for me to forget that things that were so special to me clearly just meant nothing to him. He will show his true colours eventually. X

Good riddance to bad rubbish.. Amen KIP! X

[Jelly bean]

Thanks ladies.

My solicitor has said that we will be asking for an undertaking next time, I’m not really sure what the difference is.

Will an undertaking be enough or would I still have to speak with the ncdv about a non-mol?

Sorry for all the questions but thanks for all the advice! Xx

[Jelly bean]

I reported it to the police in the end.

They said because he wasn’t threatening to actuallt do anything they couldn’t do anything about it. But they did log it and give me an incident number and just said that his behaviour right now was good evidence and just to hang on in there.

Serenity, what is ncdv? I’ve never heard of that x

[Jelly bean]

So I have spoken with a solicitor and apparently there is nothing that can be done about this other than what has already been done. I could report it if I wanted to but no action would be taken. So I haven’t done anything as of yet.. It just seems like no one is taking it seriously.

[Jelly bean]

I’m really scared to ring the police.

I know that sounds stupid and pathetic but I have no idea of what to say, I’ll get my words muddled up. I’ve got no idea why I’m so nervous about reporting this.

I’m not even on Facebook any more, (detail removed by Moderator).

I feel like if I ring the police they are going to say he’s done nothing wrong or they can’t do anything about it or that I’m overreacting or something?

I think my solicitor is suppose to be a specialist in domestic abuse. (detail removed by Moderator) but that doesn’t stop it from happening or make me feel safe does it? X

[Jelly bean]

Thanks serenity I will look into that! Never even thought of asking them for advice.

White rose, the contact is currently in a contact centre and it’s for a short period of time at the minute so it’s easy for him to put on a show if that makes sense.
For a short while, for reasons out of our control, the contact has been at my house with a 3rd party there too so I’m not alone with him, so the real side of him comes out more as there is no one there he needs to fool. On a recent visit my youngest child was crying for a long long period of time, he didn’t do anything other than put her in a bouncer chair untill she had fallen to sleep, he didn’t ask if she needed a feed or check the normal things you would check (I’m not to get involved when he is there). After he had gone and she woke up, I picked her up to find she had soiled her nappy and it was all stuck onto her and she was really sore! And during that same visit he just ignored the eldest child, which left her bored and she came to play with me – I wasn’t going to ignore her in our own home so I played a game with her.

The contact will resume at the contact centre soon. But I just worry that because I’m not there for those visits I can’t actually log anything because I’m not there to see it. And my eldest child can tell me things but she’s too young for them to take her word. She’s very silent after her visits, I find it strange. She will not speak about it to me at all and she’s quiet for the rest of the day. Also she never talks about him in day to day life like she does everyone else. She wil name every person in her family including his family but she never once names him. I just worry about her 🙁

I never say a bad word about him (infront of her anyway) and I always take a positive attitude towards the contact, saying she’s going to have fun etc and when I ask her about it I try to be the same but she is just silent.

I’m currently making a log of things that happen during/after every visit in a hope it may help, I just feel like there’s no way I can protect my babies from being neglected!

Sorry for the long post x

[Jelly bean]

Social services aren’t involved at the min, cafcass also said that they don’t need to be involved at this stage because they see no safeguarding issues.

Suppose it’s my word against his. He’s so manipulating, knows exactly what to do and say to get exactly what he wants. I don’t see how I can stop him.

From what I can gather, at a future hearing cafcass may become involved if we don’t come to an agreement. I really don’t know how it all works. my solicitor is really good, she just seems really laid back with it all telling me not to worry. It’s easier said than done though 🙁 xx

[Jelly bean]

Good for you serenity!

I’m really happy for you, you are stronger and braver than I have words for.

You really do deserve to be feeling how you are starting to feel now.

xx

[Jelly bean]

Hi both and thank you

You’re both right. Reacting to this is just what he wants. He can’t get to me personally (ie to my face or my phone as he’s blocked) so he’s just doing it the only way he can.
I’ve saved everything and my solicitor also has copies. I guess it’s hard not to bite back but deep down I know i would never really be able to do that, and I also know that he must just be doing whatever he can to try and get to me. The best thing I can do when I have to see him is just keep my head high and show him nothing. If I’ve learnt anything recently it’s that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for.

Thanks for the advice 🙂 x

[Jelly bean]

I feel like I’ve taken a bit of a step back tonight. I know I shouldn’t beat myself up about it but it’s really hard when I really felt like I was getting somewhere 🙁

I’ve had to print off lots of things as evidence and some of that includes posts on social media about me from him and other people in my area. I had read some of them but not all of them, I didn’t want to know what people thought of me. (My mum saw them and saved them) but I couldn’t help myself and i read every single one.

Now I feel so low again and my self esteem has plummeted again 🙁

[Jelly bean]

Thanks all !

Serenity, I think it was on my last post when you told me about how much of a state you were in after some comments from cafcass and that you decided you wasn’t going to show any of them any emotional weakness any more.

You told me I needed to be calm at least on the outside and not to give anyone any ammunition because I know the truth.
That really stuck in my head and made me realise how right you were. Things are always going to be tough in these kind of situations but it’s true. I have to show them I’m not going to be intimidated any more – at least on the outside! So thank you xxx

Mixed up mum –
Going to those shops yesterday was a big thing for me, my counsellor tells me that anxiety about doing something in particular (for me leaving the house) goes on for long periods of time because the only way we can relieve the feelings – both physical and emotional – is to run away from them. But that’s only a temporary fix. Infact, if we actually face the thing we are so anxious about, we will find that the physical and emotional feelings we get when we are faced with something we are anxious about fizzle out quite quicker than we would have thought. Meaning that over time, we will start to learn how to not be so afraid any more. I hope this helps chick x

[Jelly bean]

Hi kip

I’m exactly the same. I’ve actually stopped going out when I can because I just don’t want to bump into him. I’ve drove by him a few times and it triggers panic attacks for me. I used to jump out of my skin when the door bell went or the post man posted things through the letterbox. That has eased off now with the help of my counsellor. It’s not easy but in time it does get a little better. My ex lives (removed by moderator) away from me. I know how you feel x

[Jelly bean]

Oh chick. Please don’t be annoyed with yourself. You have been through a really traumatic time, it’s no wonder that your still feeling how you are! Altho, I do know how your feeling because I quite often get annoyed and angry at myself for this same reason.

You could see your GP who would refer you. If you didn’t feel comfortable talking to the GP you can also self refer online/phone through your areas local mental health services. Honestly I really wasn’t going to go when I got referred the first time, I thought it was complete rubbish but I’m so glad I went. I cried after my first session because for the first time ever I felt like I’d spoken out and been listened to without being judged.

As a mum myself I know how much pressure we put on ourselves to do right by our children and the awful feelings we get when we don’t get things exactly right – The main thing you need to remember is that you recognised what was happening and you have taken yourself and your child/children away from that
evilness.

Ps it doesn’t matter if it happened yesterday, last month, last year, 2 years ago 😘 x

[Jelly bean]

Hi chick and welcome

Your post relates to me so much that I could actually have wrote it myself. I wasn’t physically abused though, but I can only imagine how hard it must of been for you.

I too have the nightmares, the anxiety, the bursting into tears, constantly thinking about it over and over again torturing myself with past events. Have you tried writing things down? I started writing things down a few months ago, it helps me slightly to clear some of the thousands of thoughts running around my head. You could also try to get in for some counselling, I thought it was a load of rubbish before I started up but when I went it was completely different to how I imagined and it really does help!

Don’t feel like you have to pressure yourself into feeling ‘normal’ again. There isn’t a time scale on these things, in time it will get better but you just have to take things one step at a time and don’t feel so hard on yourself when you have bad days. You have been through serious abuse, it’s not something that’s easily pushed to once side and forgotten about.

So far I’ve found it really helpful to speak to women on here that know exactly how I’m feeling, so keep posting. We will get through it together x

[Jelly bean]

Love that comment!

My counsellor told me to try writing it all down to talk through when I start back up again, might try it and I’ll bare that in mind! Lol.

Fingers crossed the same happens for me and the courts wipe the smug look off his face too.

Losers indeed chick x

[Jelly bean]

Thank you for your support, it means a lot to finally have people who understand and not just tell you to get a grip! X

[Jelly bean]

Hi chick

I know you’re right, it’s just hard to shake the feelings!
A lot of women I’ve spoken to on here have said about books that helped, I’ll have to look into this! I had a break from counselling to give birth, but hoping it won’t take too long to get back into!
I really think no contact will help, it’s just hard at the minute as we’re going to court soon. There’s no family members on either side willing to help with contact because of what he’s done to me. Our oldest is very young, and the youngest has not long been born. He has no relationship with either, nor does he have any idea of how to look after them so he currently still comes over to the house weekly (waste of time to be honest cos he doesn’t do anything he just sits there) cafcass said this went in my favour because it shows that I’m trying to put the children first. Just want it over with even though I’m dreading what the court will decide x

[Jelly bean]

Thanks kip. I’ve got a diary I’ve been logging in for a few months now, I’ve wrote hundreds of pages of what happens at every visit and I’ve got saved all the abusive texts and the nasty posts on social media. We tried 3rd party person for the kids but it wasn’t good enough for him. Kids won’t stay with him and get very distressed as they have no relationship due to his lack of effort with them. His problem is he wants what he wants. Not what’s best for them or to go at their pace. I won’t just hand them over because he’s incapable of caring for them and they get so upset (both very young) it’s going to court in a few weeks. He’s determined he’s going to just get them. It’s breaking me but I have to fight for their sake! X

[Jelly bean]

I don’t have any experience of what you’re going through but I didn’t want to read and run. Sending massive hugs your way 💜

[Jelly bean]

Serenity you inspire me! I would love to take back the power just like you did.

It must of been really hard to keep your emotions in. I’m the type of person that keeps emotions in too much, I bottle things up or push them to one side in my head whilst I’m around others but then I torture myself with the thoughts and struggle to cope with all the emotion. Apart from when I’m around him, I can’t hide it around him and he knows it.

My experience so far with cafcass has been really positive, she seemed so understanding of my concerns – she actually called him a kn*b. The report should come through soon and as much as the call was positive, I’m really worried he will have managed to worm his way into her head. My children are both really young, too young to be spoken too by cafcass. It’s down to me to keep them safe but he is so good at manipulating people to get what he wants x

[Jelly bean]

Ellen b, at least you have now seen things for how they really were. It can be frustrating at times that you didn’t see it before now, even when you were warned! I get angry at myself for this quite often but you just have to be grateful you have now seen the light!
I tried to warn another woman about my ex but sadly it fell on deaf ears. But, I was also warned and chose not to listen. By his own mother Infact.
But yes you are right, pity the next victim..x

[Jelly bean]

Hi kip

As long as you know the truth that’s all that matters. You have the evidence from your medical records so there is nothing to back up his horrible lies! It’s not nice though so can totally understand why you’re wondering what else he is lying about. Don’t let him make you question yourself, if he’s reported you then it’s only going to look bad on one person and that is him. I know how it feels for lies to be told about you to others and the worry of how it makes you look, what others are saying about you etc. He’s just trying to make you look bad to distract people from The truth! X

[Jelly bean]

Hi kip

Thank you so much for your kind words.
I hope you are right!

I’m struggling at the min with the no contact because he currently comes over on a weekly basis only for a short period of time to see our youngest child as she’s only a few weeks old. Things are being sorted with our oldest for a contact centre but it’s taking a while and the court hearing is coming up soon, so I guess it’s just waiting to see what happens with that!

Once I’m able to have no contact with him completely I think I will be able to start the healing process but as well as that, it’s a constant worry for my babies. X

[Jelly bean]

I’ve been struggling with this since I joined, just tried what you said and it worked! Thank you 😊 X

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