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    • #38604
      Josephine
      Participant

      Whats he doing, when he say things like he does to me? Whats its called? Os it abuse? Whats he doing? How can i counteract it or within me?

    • #38603
      Josephine
      Participant

      No I dont.. Im heading back to work this week.. My only friend lives (detail removed by moderator)hours away..too far.. I gotta be able to work.. I also have a cat I cant leave with him. Wouldnt been a problem for my friend, but, hes too far away. If ive could do my work from there but i cant.
      Dont know if im safe or not?

    • #38600
      Josephine
      Participant

      I feel scared, sad, abused, lonely, not knowing what to do or how it will end, afraid, right now hes in his room throwing up he does that on a regular basis. Its his inner and physical pain. He said to me youd better renew this contract.. Better get them to it.. Is good if we do.. Overhearing everything ive said. Completely. All the time. Twisting it. Not open towards my version that he knows is true. He knows i am coming back to work and must be at my best this week.

    • #38598
      Josephine
      Participant

      He said he was livid for how i use the money and take it all. He was just beyond livid he said and hes been beyond livid all time. Yes, anger issues towards his own abusers. Am i im danger? I know, what he said last.. Oh God how can I take away the love?
      Shall I look for my own place and just leave him to it? The love prevents me.but im surfing too.. Playing with the thoughts. Or buy my own flat later.

    • #31795
      Josephine
      Participant

      Ive tried to call the help line but noones answering. Im sneaking around the house like a scared animal. Not daring to leave my keys out of sight, fearing how its gonna go as i have another job interview tomorrow, for jot talk about the following days. Thinking of his anger and what he might do. How am i gonna get him out?

    • #31778
      Josephine
      Participant

      Can you call them free from a pay as you go phone? Because thats all i have.

      Hes home til friday im afraid too, so cant call even if i could.

      I will be attending training and interviews from thursday, all day and day after, and will be on the move outside. My pay as you go phone has a very bad sound. Its a old phone, not an i phone. The intent is to have a bew phone when i work. Ill get to it. Ha he even accused me for that, that ive promised bew phones but never happens he said. Well knowing ive said when i work.

      Strange how he suddenly want phone, car, house, bike on my behalf when he couldnt care less before. And he knows i cant get it before i work.

      Hes up now taking his hour upon hour long shower as hes “having beams”. Yeah, he say his splitting headaches are beams from higher spiritual realms or ufo.

      Abuse., yes.. He did go a long period when everything was fine.. And day before yesterday he had no problem with nothing he said yesterday..
      Its confusing. I know hes in the wrong though, no matter what he accuses me for, because his behaviour is wrong, no matter reason. But its hard to go through, and to maintain. As im ALL alone, i only have one friend he lives five hours away. He cant help right now he has his own issues. He did help us get this house. Ive offered to help him, when/if i get work. Ive even offered him to come stay here if i can get him out. But hes probably gonna fight tooth and nail to stay in this house, even though he said he doesnt like and want it.. I have legally equal right to this house.
      And i cant leave, i have no job even though i hope for it, i have a cat, and all my stuff and im in a foreign country as this is not my home country.
      Im way more vulnerable than him and i have three serious health conditions that are cronical. He knows that. Hes always been understanding and loving before now its i sleep on my fat ass until six pm. Well knowing how tired it makes me. When before, it was for six years oh, if you need your rest you do, youre ill.

      And if i call police hes gonna use the issue with the card, see post.

    • #31760
      Josephine
      Participant

      Hi there. Its been a while.

      For a while, i thought things were going better. Now were back to the same. Hes even threat to kill me. More about that.

      We managed to get a new house, with help by a relative new friend of mine. This friend lives five hours away, but came and helped us move, paid for everything. He also slept on the floor, in the new house, which completely made my partner jealous. Accusing us and me. Took me long time to convince, but eventually. He wanted me never to let him come again, or talk to him. He had lay up at night listening to us. Said how it was disgusting how we could keep two conversations running same time.

      Partner didnt help move at all. He came and went to his bed. In the new house.

      Hes done the same things as described above before, and now again. Same stuff and same accusations. This time, he told me he was going to talk to me so i get scared really scared he would harm me, but he wouldnt actually do anything, just mentally and emotionally. He said he wanted to knife me. Today, he said he wanted to kill me. How he wanted to wreck the house.

      He said how i should pack my bags, get passport, get ticket and go. Despite being my house too, contract is under both names thank god.
      Could he throw me out then? Police would let me in if he did wouldnt they?

      He had to be talked to a long time before he calmed down. Then he said keep away from me, until hes calmed, then after a while, reboot. When he passed me to go to toilet he said not to talk to him then he would explode. He was livid. And he has huge anger issues from his abuse.

      He went on about the money, hes not getting no space for him, etc. i cant buy storage which cost alot until i have work. I have a training day two days a row this week, where i get to know if i have been successful or not, agency work within care. At some assignments it pays overly well, but i would work a lot.
      If not, theres another interview day after. All i need for both i was told was references ok. I dont know with the first one but the second one should be ok..

      So i HOPE i have work soon. Yet, i have three cronic, serious illnesses. But we need work because in april we have to pay seven months rent upfront to continue to live here as we couldnt get a normal contract with no guarantor, as he has debt. I could, if i lived with anyone else.

      He went on about me not bringing money in, how ive dropped ajob before- i damaged my hand. He continued saying his and complaining. He even said i try to poison him not cooking food properly, lie. Then it was cooking too much quantities. I cook and put in fridge. He say he doesnt wanna eat it. Well dont. From now on you can cook your own. Even have own space in fridge. I wont cook to you and i will not pack your lunch bag either. I will most likely get complaints over that now. But he choosed.

      He complained about the bags in the living room and kitchen due to lack of storage. As late as yesterday he said take it in time..as money comes.. Today, it was deal breaker totally and he xouldnt live with it.

      He complained about the small space in the bathroom, its a very small bathroom. The only place for toiletries. Now thats wrong, despite being a question about storage. There was no room for him he said. Thats not true.

      Then, its money gone all on me. Im the one having to juggle it all, bills, food and whats left, which is not much, until i start work. He knows that and always have. But especially today it was a problem and deal breaker.

      Yesterday, he said he was only venting, when he told me he didnt loved me etc. today, apparently nòt. But he started out venting the same way. He said yesterday of course i could come to him, if i needed him. When i did, he start to abuse me verbally and emotionally and vent the same way, as ive described.

      So, here i sit, not knowing how hes gonna be, if he could be violent, he sure is emotionally and physically. What are my rights in that were both equally on the contract?
      How could i get him out then?

      I dont even think he knows were on it as equals, as all things with the house was dealt with without him as he wasnt interested. Oh by the way he say hes not interested in me doesnt want me but hes interested iñ taking out his anger on me and abuse me. Same he became interested when i said ill be working, and to have more equal money wise. But hes not gonna get to my money. Im getting a passport in december. From there i get my own account.

      Hope i can get some help here. Cant call, hes home. And im on pay as you go. Is that still free?

    • #15836
      Josephine
      Participant

      He accused me for being abusive before he left for bed.

    • #15833
      Josephine
      Participant

      Hi there Serenity, thank you for your message, I’m laying in bed, in fear of even get up, not knowing what the day will bring. Somehow I know inside that the only way is action, I’m just too depleted, too fatigued to feel I can do anything, right this moment. Like I don’t have any physical or mental strength. I will contact the embassy and hear.. But I’m assuming, they will say, that I HAVE to come to London, and pay for it. Something I am not able to do. It cost over £50 just one way with a bus, direct bus and what else more needed to get there. And that’s just ONE way. Not a return. Plus then, the passport. Over £100. He certainly wouldn’t let me use the last we have for this. The only solution I would have is if a (detail removed by Moderator) women’s aid would agree to step in to help me. Then pick me up and take me to the centre. That’s all I can see, if nothing else, if I’m not entitled to anything. Or help me be able to start college here. I will contact the college.. I’m filling in a contact online form today just contact details, really. Even though I’m so fatigued, I will try. He kept on saying it was too late to do so. That it should’ve been done two years ago. And meaning, too late for us.and this house.

      It’s not even long ago at all he lay in my bed telling me he wanted to marry me. Well he’s always said that, and it’s always been the meaning that when the money’s been there we would’ve. It’s just not never been done. Same, with children. I now wonder if that was a lie the whole time? What do you think? And what could’ve been the purpose?

      He kept on saying how he want to live alone, how everything in him tells him to just throw me out of the door, but that he was not gonna do it, that he’s holding back. For what, he said, I don’t even know, but I’m holding back, I’m waiting, he said. What the ..does that mean??
      I still don’t understand meanings and hidden meanings what he’s saying, we’ve had arguments about that too him saying everybody else, other women he’s met etc. understood well including foreign women, so why couldn’t I. Indicating there’s something wrong with me and not just the understanding. But there has been many times he say one thing, I interpret it the other way, as I don’t know otherwise, and off we go. He’s been annoyed all the time it’s happened. Saying how it’s drained us. That despite him knowing I just don’t know.
      Is that abuse too?

      He’s in his room now. We don’t share rooms, he’s claimed it’s because of his abuse. That he can’t sleep with anyone beside him. And also all my duvets. He said there were other things too which he didn’t say. Let me just guess. My wardrobes in my room, right! He’s complained about them before and yesterday he said I have everything, he has nothing. He has a bed that we had to break apart the actual holdings to ever get it upstairs, since it’s a small house and even smaller stairs. (Oh I love the (detail removed by Moderator) standards) he’s created a lot of rubbish in his room. Black bin bags all over. Rubbish. Bottles, empty food bags/jars you name it. Plus old clothes he says is too old that he doesn’t want to use. Well it would fit him but he’s refused. And refused buying new clothes to himself even the times there were money and I’ve encouraged him, saying I’ll gladly step back for him anytime. But no, he wanted to save the money claiming we don’t have enough and that if he starts, well have even less. But when there’s been money he’s said the same.

      So his bed looks a mess too no sheets, I’ve offered, he’s sweating a lot and it looks like someone unwell the mess in bed. But he’s refused. I could’ve given him dry ironed sheets each and every day. But no. He loaf me for having three duvets in bed. He did that yesterday. He’s always known I can’t take draught I get ill and my room is cold, you know, typical old Victorian house and me living all my life in (detail removed by Moderator), without those problems.. Of course I’m gonna get ill especially with my conditions. After all my bronchitial inflammation started out that way. He knows that. But he loaf me for three duvets. I’m freezing without. It’s literally saved me. He said you have three duvets! I have nothing! Well who choose not to? I had to go to the cheap store, take pictures, when I was shopping, send back to him and say, hey I’ve seen those I know you like the style, you want them? They’re only £10. He did that but only when his trousers he’s had for fifteen years he claim had holes.

      He complained how all he has is a pair of jeans and trousers. And newly bought shoes. He’s blaming me for it, but really, he could’ve. Oh, he was standing back for me so I could have. Really? You say you’ve kept your anger in for seven years. We haven’t been together seven years. We got to know eachother (detail removed by Moderator) years ago but come together (detail removed by Moderator) years ago.

      Waw, I’m really sorry about your x. He’s said you know that all his relationships never worked out and they’ve all left him and I’m probably leaving too, telling me he feared I do too, but, doesn’t sound like it..

      He do said yesterday that he was going on like he did so I stop and see what I’m doing and stop spending kinda meaning.

      Oh if only I could start college and soon, and be able to either get a apprentice that are paid, or take a course and be able to get a loan. That would be a way out. Then I would be able to either get a room or apartment etc… And I don’t have bad credit but he has. Blaming me for that when really, houses on £675-750 plus utilities plus living two people one salary on £(detail removed by Moderator) even less when it’s bad that’s why he took overtime. So when overtime comes you have to use it right to get ahead. Oh it’s fine, I’m taking care of you you be well before you ever start considering any work at all. That’s what he said. Oh just get your needs and I stand back, no I don’t want anything and gets angry if I push it, very angry. I now wonder was that a plan all along??
      He’s even said there’s not much money left, even if we’ve managed to do better. Yesterday he was talking we could’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) for his overtime money saying it was that much. Eh? You’ve just said, we wouldn’t had much left anyway?!

      Waw, just..Waw about your x. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

      He calls me frivolous. Well, compared to him, I’m probably am, but really, £100 a month is not much or each second/third month, on clothes. I’ve always been that way and most women I’ve known. Essentials adds up too. I bought two necklaces when I was in the store quick saver yesterday. You know very cheap, £2 each. I’ve never bought expensive. I’m drawing to vintage these days as well. But I can buy expensive on eBay, but for £5 each or so. Very very reasonable. Oh for not talk about how he’s been going on about the packages from eBay. If he knew how many I recieved last month, he would’ve turned t he house down, seriously. Kinda like same, £5 each or less but top top brands. I got quite many coats.,I have a coat habit:) but they’re so beautiful, and they were so cheap. That’s the only luxury I had. For a while I felt better. No I’m not leaving my clothes they’ve took me years to build up after loosing everything. I came with just a suitcase. I’m not leaving my cat either even if it means cat pension ( found out you can pay at pick up) or charantene. Well all she needs is needed vaccinations, and a chip, so she can get an animal passport to be able to fly. So if I only could get an apprenticeship or course with a loan.. As an apprenticeship or course varies from two to three years, usually.. Enough time.. And plenty of employers connected..

      I don’t know if he’s waiting for that, if that what it means.
      What do you think, about his “I’m waiting”? (Regarding he wants to just throw me out, but doesn’t do it)

      Omg I haven’t thought about my health could deteriorate..

      Yeah, he said other understands him despite being from another country, that it’s just me.
      I don’t dare to go into his room today. I’m a very loving and caring person naturally and even if a person is evil towards me I’m not back but keep on showing love. (I understand not to make it worse for myself by resenting or other, and that negative behaviours are essentially pain, and lack of love)
      ( it doesn’t mean to take anything though just to say)
      But so I’ve tried to be loving towards him. Like I’ve always been, and are towards anyone. He blamed me for that even. Yup. Telling me it’s been roses dosey the last two weeks and cuddly cuddly but that it’s not gonna be that way he said. Eh?! You tell me how to BE??!
      You. Want me to lower down to your own negative state of mind???!? I’ve always been a positive person before you even came along, that saw opportunities, not failures or negatives. Really, even as a baby I was very smiling and happy. More than normal and a very easy child. (But I was unfortunately abused anyway)
      My childhood contains of a mixture of a safe house, nice surroundings, country, friends in loads, best friends, food, toys, clothes, good schools. What you call here in Uk a middle class life. Oh what I abhor class systems coming from (detail removed by Moderator), where such are looked down upon and thrown. You know what I mean. Agreed, it becomes too mainstream too, and fear of sticking out. And sticked out I did.

      My class and a whole school bullied me for over ten years, later psychological where they threatened my friends not to be with me and if I came to their town they’ve moved to(nearby bigger town) they would kill me, drive me over, and they meant it. They told my friends, that told me. And it didn’t matter even that I’ve never done them anything.
      My parents, are narcissists and psychopaths. My mother unfortunately. Which is a taboo, as many wouldn’t be able to even comprehend, that a mother can be that cruel she’s been towards me. But, it happens, and it happens to many. We are further stigmatised by not being believed, or misunderstood by others.

      She’s from I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old critisised me, bullied me, telling me how fat and unworthy I was, and had my elder brother join in on it. He started to beat me from I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old. In my stomach and strangulation. On a daily basis. I was very afraid of him. He used me as a boxing tool.
      My mother or father never psychologically or emotionally supported me, and many times not even physically. I mean, she sends a (detail removed by Moderator) year old girl out in the forest for one week camp with the class, with just a pair of loafers, thin jacket and a pair of trousers and thin top, not even proper sheets or a night gown but had to lay in my clothes, without food.
      She’s continuing to be mean and un supporting to this day. When I went to the hospital, near death, and came home again she asked me if I’ve lost weight, as you do that when you’ve been to a hospital. Loaf me who was going to pay for the stay. When I became homeless, before I came here, she talked to me five minutes, asking me how I was gonna protect my things. That was it. Sending my second brother on me saying I couldn’t do like this. And that was that.

      My father I haven’t had any contact with until recently and he’s (detail removed by Moderator) years old now with a younger wife. He lives in a very small village in his own house. He abused me with my elder brother when I was (detail removed by Moderator) years old, do heavily I couldn’t stay home but had to flee for my life. The authorities helped me. My brother was inches from strangling me to death.
      My father was very deadly afraid of my mother and completely subjugated. He’s told me she threatened him with a knife in the basement one Christmas, when I was a tiny girl.
      He mostly kept away from her and us…
      Until that day she provoked his temper and by force.

      All this is known in psychology, this dynamic.

      So I’ve just had contact with my father the last year. I told him I forgive him and willing to give him a chance. He did well a while then he start to ignore me, stopped calling, ignored my birthdays and Christmas, despite promises. Stopped calling me when my aunt, his sister that he’s close to, started to ignore me. Just because we were writing letters, a few times, and I told her about my abuse. And I asked her if she could help, if I was about to become homeless as I told her about my problems. She encouraged me to tell about me. She said she loves me, and long for me. Then, after I’ve told her, I hear nothing. And my father starts his behaviour.
      He’s tried to call a few times recently. But I don’t know. He might be dead? Who knows. He’s functioning well. Fully functioning. But I don’t really know if he and his wife would step in and help me. I really don’t know. It could be very likely they wouldn’t, even though he so desperately wanted to see me.

      Then My so called partner (or roommate ? Don’t even know if he’s ended it last night the way he was talking? He said he did it for release of his feelings, so he could open up towards me..
      He said that it would cost over £(detail removed by Moderator) to get over there, and with a car through (detail removed by Moderator) different countries, and flying would be too difficult and £(detail removed by Moderator) at least and that’s not even getting there. So he put a stop to see my father.
      Telling me what to write to him and dictate my letters. Resulting they ignore me.
      I don’t know if I should tell my father about it how can I, I don’t have much time. And I’m absolutely dreading coming back to those areas I was told I would be killed if I showed up. And where ALL the bullies are. Still. That’s why I left in the first place, to be able to have a life. I have a (detail removed by Moderator) education if I say (detail removed by Moderator) you probably get it don’t you. All I would need is help until I’m on my feet.
      I’ve lived in (detail removed by Moderator) and loved it there. Or, maybe close to (detail removed by Moderator), so I could come there too as there I lived and love. I don’t know.

      But how would I cope loosing my soulmate?

      Yes he said the hairdo for his x was from their joint account. They only had a joint account. Isn’t that strange. Isn’t that greed???
      He say that’s why he got angry that it was their fellow money and it was too much., I guess you’re right! I’m just so full of it, the way he’s blamed me, that I don’t know what’s up and down soon.

      What you think, you think I should go get my previous bought clothes and buy them again? I do want them., I’m just afraid of his anger and what he threatened to do, wreck the whole house, if I use more money..(haven’t even bought my medication yet) .. Or throw me out.. Is it that occasion he might be waiting for? Me buying more clothes? In order to do it? Why is he saying he’s waiting, that he’s not gonna do it, that he doesn’t even know why he’s waiting.??

      Yeah, I get you there, that he wants to project on to me. I can understand that due to my psychological knowledge, and I empathise with him. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

      All what he’s been on me about buying clothes I’m so tense and nervous about. I am in doubt of my own reality and thoughts wether I should go get the clothes, buy some, wether I can even buy some or on sale.
      And fearing what he would say and do.

      He’s home now he’s took holiday for almost a (detail removed by Moderator). He’s refusing to do overtime too for a (detail removed by Moderator), despite were gonna need it. He said he’s losing it at work with his mind and that if he doesn’t slow down he will loose his job. But he wants me to live on tins for 25 pence..
      My health do require healthy foods. I love cooking.. He loves my cooking..

      Thank you Serenity I’ll send you a message you’re so kind it helps a lot your support.

    • #15764
      Josephine
      Participant

      That goes against how oh everything’s ours…all your needs sure…

    • #15763
      Josephine
      Participant

      He’s going on about how he earned enough for two ppl.. But me spending it all.. Saying if I can’t find a job don’t spend just little to show respect…

    • #15762
      Josephine
      Participant

      He said he wanted to see me suffer so I wake up to what I’ve done/ to the family/ us/ him… Does that mean he will look for ways to see me suffer?

    • #15759
      Josephine
      Participant

      He called me deceitful for buying clothes online because he’s not there to see

    • #15758
      Josephine
      Participant

      In his childhood his needs were completely ignored, no food, never allowed to choose, never bought or given. Old, small clothes. He can’t stand see me having lots when he has nothing almost. But, he’s never wanted anything. I’ve tried, then it’s been he can’t choose, problems from childhood or else. I’m definitely not allowed buying. Then, he throw his arm out blaming me for doing what I’ve always done.. And others. He’s saying I have it all while he has zero. Then I see him get angry. He’s never even seen what normal is.

      Oh and he’s forbidden me to be happy, cheerful or chitty chatty. Me, that always been that way..
      He say he can’t take it, with his abuse and the rest. Each time I do, he stops me. I can’t even say oh poor you.

    • #15757
      Josephine
      Participant

      He’s completely twisted my head. You know, as a (detail removed by Moderator) , you rarely would have given up your independence regarding joint account. Not ONLY a joint. But he had me twisted. And the fact I have or had no other ways. And being ill, and ease. Oh, he talked ease a lot. And does he wants car he wants house blamed me for us not having a house, because I’ve spent all money and put us in debt, right…. (Not) telling me I never pay it back that it’s more than I could ever afford, even with a high salary. Huh, £(detail removed by Moderator) ….
      (Could be done over two, three years then he say he doubt I would stop buy so it would be paid.
      He say he’s tried debt relief a plan etc but that I didn’t want to! No, not full truth. I was only worried what would happen to the tenancy that’s all as the rules state, you can’t be bankrupt or iva.. But not anything else. Then he complains they wouldn’t accept it anyway. Back to ME again.

      Do you think he could be so cruel to throw me out let me hammer the door only to bring me in eventually, to be..cruel..? Is that a risk?

Viewing 14 reply threads

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