katielove

[katielove]

Contact them every single time he does something upsetting. Ask for the DV department. Build a picture. Go back to a solicitor and tell them what is happening. Visit your GP and tell them everything. Cut all contact with him. Ring woman’s aid.

[katielove]

I put in a guess and then wrote in the notes that domestic abuse has a time frame not a date. It wasn’t a problem.

[katielove]

I couldn’t remember all dates etc and wrote this in the notes part. The police will be contacted and can fill in the details in their part of the forms.

[katielove]

As long as there a police crime number you can claim. I did and was successful. It takes about a year to process.

[katielove]

I totally agree with KIP. It is a way of handing over what has happened. It stays on file and could protect someone else in the future.
Mine also raped me within weeks and for the next two years.

[katielove]

I think you mean incompatible? Maybe you’re both vulnerable people but his way if dealing with it is abusive and yours not. His vulnerability does not excuse his actions – he’s a grown up who makes choices like we all do. It sounds like he’s not owning his choices and, whatever way you lay the blame, this is making you unhappy.

If it’s easier use unhappiness instead of abusive. Are you unhappy? X

[katielove]

Although I read the forum daily I find it increases my anxiety to respond but this resonated with me. My experience was exactly the same. He would also do things like praise a dish to the heavens one week and then refuse to eat the disgusting same thing the following week.
I loved cooking but he ruined that. It has taken 2 years to be able to enjoy cooking again.
On another note, I am really struggling again at the moment. I feel so angry that he got away with it all.

[katielove]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have reported everything to the police and my IDVA. They say that, at the moment, that he hasn’t contacted me so I probably wouldn’t get a non-molestation order.
KIP – What do you mean by plausible deniability? Is there anything I can do about it? Also, there is a deadline for asking the CPS to review and I have passed it. Although the police were helpful in some ways, their communication was appalling both with me and, I feel, the CPS. As far as I can see, perpetrators are given more rights than the victims. They took about 15 statements from different people regarding every type of abuse and then said that they did not have enough evidence. There were also medical records and records from Rape Crises. The whole experience post-abuse has been as bad as the relationship.As a result, I have little faith in the police at all.

I will keep vigilant as I imagine that as he has had no response to the last contacts, he will just carry on…

XXX

[katielove]

I had some great help from a local counselling service and rape crises. I was getting about eight anxiety attacks at night at one point and felt like I was having a heart attack several times. After fantastic help, ensuring that I ate healthily and exercised I now only get anxious very occasionally. I can honestly say that it took a couple of years but I do feel better. Whether it is PTSD or not, you know you don’t feel right and need to access some support when you feel ready.

I hope you can access some help as it really does make a difference. Good luck.

[katielove]

Good for you. There doesn’t appear to be a proper justice system in this country any more. I think more of us need to stand up and fight for women in our situation. The way the police treat us is like additional, continual abuse.

There was an article in the news today about new stalking laws that are to protect victims who do not know their stalker. (detail removed by Moderator) It just makes the police look like they are doing something…

[katielove]

Thanks so much for your replies. I think you are right and that I need to access more help and stop beating myself up. I was lucky today as a close friend who understands listened, just listened, to me for ages.
I wish I had some idea when the police might make a decision. The process is so long I find I can’t move on.
t
Thanks again xxx

[katielove]

I think that an automatic non- molestation order should be given when bail ends. Harassment orders only count as warnings and, in my experience, not robust enough. Also, the time investigations take is far too long, mine is already (detail removed by Moderator) since arrest.

[katielove]

Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘Why does he do that?’ is a great source of wisdom for anyone who is being abused. Lots of the quotes are online and I found this one which I believe is relevant:

YOUR ABUSIVE PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER.
One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Please report any breaches of his bail conditions – however small you think they are. xxxx

[katielove]

all of this sounds so familiar.
FIRSTLY, you must phone Women’s Aid and chat to them; actually hearing that this IS abuse will make a difference. They can also advise you on where to for help.
Secondly, phone Rights of Women 020 7251 6577: they will be able to give you free legal advice on your rights as a mum and a cohabiting partner.
Lastly, phone 101, ask to speak to your local domestic violence police and log with them everything that is happening to you. You don’t have to take action now but it helps to have logged it. They may decide that you need help, if they do, accept it as they can often recognise things better than us as we are trapped in an abusive cycle.

Do all of this safely when you are on your own.

You know that this situation will get worse. There are no viable reasons in the world why anything that he is doing is acceptable.

Take care x x x

[katielove]

I recently spent a few days away with my child in a group of men. They were polite, considerate, sensitive, it restored my belief in men. I liked receiving pleasant comments and it gave me hope for the future. I do not want a relationship for a long time but enjoyed making new acquaintances.
X X

[Author]

Posts