Kemi

[Kemi]

@greyrock I agree, don’t feel guilty or let the fact that you went back hold you back.

A bit controversial but I wonder if someone should change their passwords? As much as I don’t want to give these “men” credit, they can be quite clued up and can sense a change. So as hard as it may be, don’t change your password as they will think and ask why you did and suspect you’re hiding something or up to something. Instead there’s various women’s help lines specific to the area you are in, call them (when he’s safely not around) and they will create a file for you, essentially where everything is noted down. Once you leave, they will (with your permission) pass on your info to wherever you move to / and it’ll be useful for when / if you go to court, it’ll be evidence essentially.

Also I’d advise going to the police – with caution I say this because depending on circumstances the police can arrest him without your consent (I.e if there is physical violence / assault) again, scary but they’ll take him away for questioning which lasts for hours – during that time, you pack your things and leave, he won’t know where you’ve gone and you begin making plans to put injunctions etc. in place. While there’s an investigation the police can/will also put a “bail ban” in place meaning he cannot come anywhere near you for however long months+ while the investigation is ongoing.

You can still speak to the police, without raising a charge, just saying you want to document what has been happening. Express your concerns and they will work with you to protect you. Again, they will create a file which you can bring up and use for later.

This all helped me when I was planning to leave. And like Grey Rock said, never tell them you’re leaving or thinking to leave. Not in an argument or anything.

[Kemi]

Also, once you leave there’s very little he can do – if he takes you to court even that process takes months, so it gives you breathing room. And by the sounds of things he’s not prepared to look after a child, he’s saying it all to get at you, to spite you and to control you.

I know you say it’s tricky because he tracks your moves/checks your phone. There’s ways around it.

Happy to talk further in PM.

Kemi x

[Kemi]

Hi @blueberryfield sorry to hear you are going through this. I felt the same as you – scared to leave for fear that he would take my baby away from me (as he said multiple times I can leave but I can’t take our child or that he’d take me to court for 50/50 etc). Anyway, I say all that to say even with the fear, I left with my baby. It’s still early days, a little over a month now so who knows what’s around the corner or what he’s plotting but I am speaking with a lawyer and essentially these men love to tell you things like they will take the child etc. but it’s mostly so they have a hold on you and try to create fear in you to control you. The fact your partner is telling you he would take your child out of the country you can look to put in a prohibited steps order against him (once you leave) to stop him from taking the child. Make sure you have yours and your child’s documents (passport, birth certificate etc) with you and also take out a non molestation order which will prevent him from coming near you (again, once you leave). You may also be entitled to free legal aid but all of this you can arrange once you leave. The main thing and first step is to leave and take it one step at a time because it is overwhelming and if you think too much about it, you’ll end up staying. Have a rough escape plan in place, where you can go, even if it is to a refuge if you don’t have friends or family, and pack a small bag – nothing too noticeable to him, that will have yours and your child’s documents and some clothes, anything else you can get/purchase when you leave so think of essentials only. Also, speak to friends/family someone you can trust about it so they can help you.

I was always told I am the mother and no one can take your child from you. The courts/and system favour the mother and unless under very special circumstances (there’s proof a mother is unfit to take care of their child) very unlikely that the father would have the child primarily. I’ve been told even 50/50 (when a child is young/baby) is not a stable environment and that is what the courts want to see, stability. Yes the men may have more money but you’ve been the primary carer of your child and that’s what is important. People raise their children on less financially so money is not the be all and end all.

It’s not easy leaving, and even after you leave it’s still a process but it’s worth it. Yours and and your child’s safety is very important. And the FREEDOM, the freedom to breath, to be away from the toxic environment is everything- it’ll feel weird at first, but You can do it, just take it one step at a time. Even in the fear, take it one step at a time to get through it.

Kemi x

[Kemi]

Oh no, @better-days I really do hope you have the strength to leave. I think about how good it will feel, the peace of mind that I’ll have once I leave to help give me strength. It’s not easy I know, I’ve realised there’s no ‘right time’ to leave either. Does your husband work from home? Are there any long periods where he’s away from the house? x

[Kemi]

Sending you a big hug @better-days. It’s horrible when they do that and I understand it’s more complex to leave when your children are older and would want to see their dad / not leave. Still make an exit plan even if you have to explain it later to your children once you’ve all left safely. I can’t have that conversation about separating and taking my son with me to my partner, he’s already said I can’t take our son if I leave so I know it won’t be settled outside of court, maybe you’re the same so I wouldn’t tell anyone your plans except those you trust who can help. Also speaking to the police and other women’s organisations about your experience to document your case is important, even if you don’t leave straight away, when you do, your files can be used as evidence and to build a case to keep your children. I’m looking to leave soon but I’ll admit the thought of packing everything without him knowing and somehow taking my car is all quite overwhelming – but I’m trying to focus on how much better my environment will be to raise my child without living with my partner. We have to take care of ourselves whilst protecting our children. Let me know how you’re getting on when you can @better-days x

[Kemi]

I’m also afraid of my son picking up on the toxic environment, another thing I dread about joint custody. Even though he is young, my partner tells him things like “don’t get with a woman like your mother” and “don’t worry you’ll have someone else to call you mum” he does it so I can hear him, but also when he’s taken him away from me in another room. @hereforhelp you said that your children were affected, I’m sorry to hear that xx

[Kemi]

Hi Hereforhelp, thank you for responding to me and your reassurance, it means a lot. Because of his actions (taking baby into another room etc) makes me dread joint custody, I don’t trust that he’ll cooperate and will probably be vindictive. The reason why I’ve stayed is because I really don’t want to be away from my baby, not even a night which I’ll probably have to do once I leave and child arrangement is in place. Around people he doesn’t like to have arguments. He says he doesn’t like people knowing is business. However I have confined in his mum in the past and she told me that when he used to live with her she had to walk on eggshells, he would say hurtful things to her too.

[Kemi]

** I posted before but it was taken down as it was too detailed..so trying again hoping this is better and still makes sense…Thanks x

[Kemi]

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