KIP.

[KIP.]

These men never change they follow the same pattern. She will eventually see the side of him that you saw. In the meantime he will be manipulating her the way he did you. If they’re married she was probably on the cusp of leaving and that was how he pulled her back. They won’t be happy together and social media is not the truth of a relationship. Abusers erode our confidence and self esteem and that’s what you’re feeling. It doesn’t matter how good she or you were at anything, the goal posts will be continually moving for her too. Absolutely zero contact and that includes looking on their social media is how you move on from this. You’re very lucky not to have this man in your life and your child is even more lucky. Concentrate on that relationship, maybe write down the horrible things he did in date order, it might make you look at things a bit differently. It’s not you, it’s the abuse and his conditioning of you that’s making you feel this way. In reality would you really want him back, married to him?

[KIP.]

Hi, absolutely zero direct contact is the only way forward. Use a third party for all communication. He doesn’t get to come near you or your home. Talk to your local womens aid about a non molestation order. Keep a detailed journal of his behaviour. This controlling behaviour of his will never stop so you need to take back control of your life or he will destroy it for you. I know it’s scary but you left him for a reason. He’s not your responsibility. Don’t be afraid to report his threats to the police. It’s not fair on your new partner to be threatened with violence and he has every right to report this to the police. Your ex is a nasty bully, always has been and always will be. If you need contact use an old phone for texting only. Better still give it to a friend or family member to use as the point of contact. Keep your chin up. People pleasing is something we are all guilty of but abusers will control that. You’ve been conditioned to jump when he says so but no more x show the kids too that you’re in charge and they have choices over who they allow in their lives because you can bet his behaviour will eventually be targeted to wards them x

[KIP.]

You need support to leave safely. Contact your local womens aid. Read Living With the Dominator by Pat Craven. There is nothing you can do to make this stop. He will simply change the goal post. Your mother may also have the same traits as him. My therapist once said I married my mother. She doesn’t have to put up with his abuse. Gather a support network. Look for a good counsellor and talk to your GP. Get the abuse noted in your file. This is so valuable for your future as these men never go quietly x

[KIP.]

Can you use a third party for all contact. Talk to womens aid. Make sure you’re legally the resident parent. Start building a support network.

[KIP.]

That’s great news. Do you have support from womens aid or your local domestic abuse charity. That’s where I felt a real connection x

[KIP.]

Set boundaries. He has no right to come to where you live. He can set up supervised visitations. He’s going to ruin your new relationship. Once the kids have a routine where they know when they will see him they should settle into that. Definitely get that non molestation order if you can. Especially if there’s been a history of abuse. Absolutely zero direct contact is the only way to move forward and be safe. He’s deliberately upsetting the kids which is child abuse. Get support from your local womens aid and keep yourself safe.

[KIP.]

Contact your local womens aid at the first opportunity. Depression doesn’t cause domestic abuse. That’s a choice he makes and it will only get worse. If you feel threatened please ring 999. You need help to get out safely. What he’s doing is child abuse and you both deserve better.

[KIP.]

Be guided by your local womens aid. He will use the children to control you and hurt you further so be very careful. Allowing contact with an abuser, even if he is their father, isn’t good for them and can lead to social services becoming involved. You have to show they you have their best interests at heart. Their safety. It’s going to be painful, like breaking a drug habit but the police think he’s dangerous enough to arrest him. Sometimes we freeze or minimise abuse and don’t have the ability to keep ourselves safe x take all the help you are offered meantime. X

[KIP.]

Hi, none of this is your fault. He chose to abuse you and mental health is not an excuse for abuse. As human beings we miss what is normal to us even if that normal is abusive. My ex expected sex not because he had a high sex drive but he couldn’t stand it when I used the word no. Such was his controlling nature. Talk to the domestic abuse helpline. Get in touch with your local womens aid and read up on trauma bonding, the power and control wheel, cognitive dissonance. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. For the police to arrest him he’s broken the law. They arrested my ex too and it was the best thing for me because I was frozen by his abuse. Abuse I didnt recognise. Loving him won’t stop his abuse, having a hard life is no excuse. Children from abusive fathers struggle with mental health more than average. Protect your children from his abuse. Abusing a mother is abusing the child. Try to concentrate on you and your kids. The first time he abused you he gave you permission to leave. Time to look after yourself because he won’t x keep posting and reading other posts. These abusers often use the same tactics x

[KIP.]

Boots no. 7. Pop in and get free advice on their products. They often have 3 for 2 x

[KIP.]

Sadly this is very common. Victim blaming was the sting in the tail. Abusers will gather flying monkeys anywhere they can. All I could do was tell my family members not to talk about him, mention him to me unless my life was in danger. To set boundaries is difficult but it’s what I had to do as well as keep my distance from anyone who had contact with him. You just stick to your own agenda. Keep reporting breaches to the police and keep setting boundaries with those who cannot understand. I think they will eventually get the idea when he turns on them. Meantime protect yourself x

[KIP.]

Please contact the police as soon as possible. This is an escalation and you cannot deal or negotiate with an abuser. They just move the goal posts. Dealing with the police is stressful yes but the alternative is his behaviour and contact will continue to escalate. He knows why you don’t wish contact, he knows his behaviour was abusive, he’s just trying to hook you back in with contact. You owe him nothing.

[KIP.]

Living with abuse makes us feel like we are going mad. Please contact your local womens aid for support. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and google the cycle of abuse. None of this is your fault. He is responsible for his own behaviour. And it will only get worse. Yes there will be trauma bonding. What he’s doing to you is illegal domestic abuse and what he’s doing is also child abuse. Your child must be so scared. You both need help to get out of this situation. There will be terrible long term consequences for your child because of the abuse they have to witness. Please start reaching out for support. You have a child that needs you and looks to you for safety x

[KIP.]

Your child is scared of his father and that’s going to impact and damage his mental health now and in the future. He’s still young enough for you to get him to safety and for you both to have a good safe life. Your childhood isn’t the same as his childhood and families come in many different sizes and genders now. He’s too you to protect himself. Talk to womens aid. Social services are there to protect your child. Perhaps they see the damage being done when you can’t. Abusing the mother is abusing the child. Children learn from their parents and he’s learning that its normal to abuse you. I wish I’d left when my child was young. The damage is done now, please don’t make my mistake x this man is not a good father, your son may love him but love won’t stop the abuse x slowly make secret plans to leave and put measures in place for your safety. Trust your get because things will escalate post separation

[KIP.]

Talk to your local womens aid or ring the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline. Rights of Women have a free legal helpline. I know how isolated you must feel which abusers love. Being around family that support you will make a huge difference. Have you told your family what’s happening? Please start keeping a secret journal and confide in your GP. Getting his abuse noted will be good evidence should you need it. Start leaving the evidence you will need in the future by keeping any texts, emails, photos of damage to property or any injuries. Start gathering a support network. You can get all your ducks in a row to prevent his actions harming you all when you leave. Don’t tell him a thing.

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