KIP.

[KIP.]

These men never change they follow the same pattern. She will eventually see the side of him that you saw. In the meantime he will be manipulating her the way he did you. If they’re married she was probably on the cusp of leaving and that was how he pulled her back. They won’t be happy together and social media is not the truth of a relationship. Abusers erode our confidence and self esteem and that’s what you’re feeling. It doesn’t matter how good she or you were at anything, the goal posts will be continually moving for her too. Absolutely zero contact and that includes looking on their social media is how you move on from this. You’re very lucky not to have this man in your life and your child is even more lucky. Concentrate on that relationship, maybe write down the horrible things he did in date order, it might make you look at things a bit differently. It’s not you, it’s the abuse and his conditioning of you that’s making you feel this way. In reality would you really want him back, married to him?

[KIP.]

Hi, absolutely zero direct contact is the only way forward. Use a third party for all communication. He doesn’t get to come near you or your home. Talk to your local womens aid about a non molestation order. Keep a detailed journal of his behaviour. This controlling behaviour of his will never stop so you need to take back control of your life or he will destroy it for you. I know it’s scary but you left him for a reason. He’s not your responsibility. Don’t be afraid to report his threats to the police. It’s not fair on your new partner to be threatened with violence and he has every right to report this to the police. Your ex is a nasty bully, always has been and always will be. If you need contact use an old phone for texting only. Better still give it to a friend or family member to use as the point of contact. Keep your chin up. People pleasing is something we are all guilty of but abusers will control that. You’ve been conditioned to jump when he says so but no more x show the kids too that you’re in charge and they have choices over who they allow in their lives because you can bet his behaviour will eventually be targeted to wards them x

[KIP.]

You need support to leave safely. Contact your local womens aid. Read Living With the Dominator by Pat Craven. There is nothing you can do to make this stop. He will simply change the goal post. Your mother may also have the same traits as him. My therapist once said I married my mother. She doesn’t have to put up with his abuse. Gather a support network. Look for a good counsellor and talk to your GP. Get the abuse noted in your file. This is so valuable for your future as these men never go quietly x

[KIP.]

Can you use a third party for all contact. Talk to womens aid. Make sure you’re legally the resident parent. Start building a support network.

[KIP.]

That’s great news. Do you have support from womens aid or your local domestic abuse charity. That’s where I felt a real connection x

[KIP.]

Set boundaries. He has no right to come to where you live. He can set up supervised visitations. He’s going to ruin your new relationship. Once the kids have a routine where they know when they will see him they should settle into that. Definitely get that non molestation order if you can. Especially if there’s been a history of abuse. Absolutely zero direct contact is the only way to move forward and be safe. He’s deliberately upsetting the kids which is child abuse. Get support from your local womens aid and keep yourself safe.

[KIP.]

Contact your local womens aid at the first opportunity. Depression doesn’t cause domestic abuse. That’s a choice he makes and it will only get worse. If you feel threatened please ring 999. You need help to get out safely. What he’s doing is child abuse and you both deserve better.

[KIP.]

Be guided by your local womens aid. He will use the children to control you and hurt you further so be very careful. Allowing contact with an abuser, even if he is their father, isn’t good for them and can lead to social services becoming involved. You have to show they you have their best interests at heart. Their safety. It’s going to be painful, like breaking a drug habit but the police think he’s dangerous enough to arrest him. Sometimes we freeze or minimise abuse and don’t have the ability to keep ourselves safe x take all the help you are offered meantime. X

[KIP.]

Hi, none of this is your fault. He chose to abuse you and mental health is not an excuse for abuse. As human beings we miss what is normal to us even if that normal is abusive. My ex expected sex not because he had a high sex drive but he couldn’t stand it when I used the word no. Such was his controlling nature. Talk to the domestic abuse helpline. Get in touch with your local womens aid and read up on trauma bonding, the power and control wheel, cognitive dissonance. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. For the police to arrest him he’s broken the law. They arrested my ex too and it was the best thing for me because I was frozen by his abuse. Abuse I didnt recognise. Loving him won’t stop his abuse, having a hard life is no excuse. Children from abusive fathers struggle with mental health more than average. Protect your children from his abuse. Abusing a mother is abusing the child. Try to concentrate on you and your kids. The first time he abused you he gave you permission to leave. Time to look after yourself because he won’t x keep posting and reading other posts. These abusers often use the same tactics x

[KIP.]

Boots no. 7. Pop in and get free advice on their products. They often have 3 for 2 x

[KIP.]

Sadly this is very common. Victim blaming was the sting in the tail. Abusers will gather flying monkeys anywhere they can. All I could do was tell my family members not to talk about him, mention him to me unless my life was in danger. To set boundaries is difficult but it’s what I had to do as well as keep my distance from anyone who had contact with him. You just stick to your own agenda. Keep reporting breaches to the police and keep setting boundaries with those who cannot understand. I think they will eventually get the idea when he turns on them. Meantime protect yourself x

[KIP.]

Please contact the police as soon as possible. This is an escalation and you cannot deal or negotiate with an abuser. They just move the goal posts. Dealing with the police is stressful yes but the alternative is his behaviour and contact will continue to escalate. He knows why you don’t wish contact, he knows his behaviour was abusive, he’s just trying to hook you back in with contact. You owe him nothing.

[KIP.]

Living with abuse makes us feel like we are going mad. Please contact your local womens aid for support. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and google the cycle of abuse. None of this is your fault. He is responsible for his own behaviour. And it will only get worse. Yes there will be trauma bonding. What he’s doing to you is illegal domestic abuse and what he’s doing is also child abuse. Your child must be so scared. You both need help to get out of this situation. There will be terrible long term consequences for your child because of the abuse they have to witness. Please start reaching out for support. You have a child that needs you and looks to you for safety x

[KIP.]

Your child is scared of his father and that’s going to impact and damage his mental health now and in the future. He’s still young enough for you to get him to safety and for you both to have a good safe life. Your childhood isn’t the same as his childhood and families come in many different sizes and genders now. He’s too you to protect himself. Talk to womens aid. Social services are there to protect your child. Perhaps they see the damage being done when you can’t. Abusing the mother is abusing the child. Children learn from their parents and he’s learning that its normal to abuse you. I wish I’d left when my child was young. The damage is done now, please don’t make my mistake x this man is not a good father, your son may love him but love won’t stop the abuse x slowly make secret plans to leave and put measures in place for your safety. Trust your get because things will escalate post separation

[KIP.]

Talk to your local womens aid or ring the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline. Rights of Women have a free legal helpline. I know how isolated you must feel which abusers love. Being around family that support you will make a huge difference. Have you told your family what’s happening? Please start keeping a secret journal and confide in your GP. Getting his abuse noted will be good evidence should you need it. Start leaving the evidence you will need in the future by keeping any texts, emails, photos of damage to property or any injuries. Start gathering a support network. You can get all your ducks in a row to prevent his actions harming you all when you leave. Don’t tell him a thing.

[KIP.]

Get in touch with womens aid. You can have him removed with an occupation order. Threatening behaviour is illegal. Keep all the evidence you can. Keep a secret diary of his behaviour. You need to put yourself first now because he won’t and he will leave you with nothing if he can. Don’t believe a word he says.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. It was a real turning point for me x be kind to yourself.

[KIP.]

The trouble is an abuser will want to discredit you. Will want friends to feel awkward and take sides…… his side.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. You have to break that bond. It’s like a drug addiction and zero contact and time are how you heal. Reporting contact to the police is the best thing to do. Let them deal with him. Show him you won’t tolerate his behaviour any longer. I felt sorry for my ex while he was on bail. Making out he was heart broken while seeing another woman behind my back. Don’t believe a word he says. They are liars and manipulators.

[KIP.]

You can bet he’s not worrying about you. When the house is sold, his belongings left are his responsibility. Your solicitor can email or text him on your behalf. They’re not your belongings so I don’t see why they’re your responsibility. You’re moving out with your belongings and it’s upto him to do the same. The law is based around fairness and it’s not fair that you have to do this job for him. He’s not your responsibility. He knows the house is being sold and I’m assuming he knows what date. He will use this to control you and keep contact going. Use a third party for all contact. Either a solicitor or a friend or family member. Does he have any family or friends that can collect his belongings and take responsibility. If you get involved and do this for him, he won’t bother.

[KIP.]

You can also message him by text not to contact you directly and only to go through a third party. When he contacts you directly there’s proof for the police to arrest him. It’s stalking and harrassment but don’t get into a text conversation because the police will look at it as just an argument. You need to take control or he will be controlling you forever with his threats. People who commit suicide don’t generally spread it about first. He needs mental health treatment if he’s suicidal and I’d keep him well away from my kids.

[KIP.]

He’s not going to stop. What he is doing is illegal. It’s called coercive and controlling behaviour. He’s not your responsibility and there’s nothing stopping you reporting him to the police and they can assess his mental health and charge him if they have enough evidence. Absolutely zero contact is how to deal with him and if that means a non molestation order then I’d try to get one. Talk to your local womens aid and keep a diary of his behaviour because it’s only going to get worse, you need your energy for yourself and your kids. Setting boundaries is really difficult with abusers. They will push back. Can you use a third party for all contact? Do not discuss anything with him. He’s not your friend, he will destroy you if he can so protect yourself.

[KIP.]

Hi, do you have support from womens aid? Threats of suicide are a very common tactic. The bottom line is you’re not a psychiatrist and not qualified to deal with a suicidal patient. That’s his choice. If he threatens suicide then ring 999 and tell the operator what he is threatening. I bet he totally denies it when the ambulance arrives. It is controlling behaviour and always will be so it’s time to put yourself first and put an end to this. He won’t change but you can. He will be holding this threat over you for the rest of your life and when this threat doesn’t work he will threaten something else. To take the kids. To make you homeless. It’s simply what abusers do, so my advice is to ignore his threats, protect you and your children. Get the orders in place. Get the ducks in a row. If he’s really suicidal then you don’t want him round the children either so get supervised visitations too. He can’t have it all ways.

[KIP.]

He knew something big was coming up for you and he was determined to destroy it for you. That’s the way he thinks and will always work to bring you down. Talking about your sexual abuse to this PT isn’t a good idea. We minimise abuse but it’s shocking to others. It’s leaving you vulnerable. Do you have a support worker from WA?

[KIP.]

Not sure what age the kids are but the main thing is they understand who the abuser is and that they aren’t confused or brain washed by the grand parents. I think setting out the boundaries with the grand parents would be a good idea. That you want them to have a relationship with their grand kids but you won’t tolerate them defending abuse or re writing history. Don’t forget your ex will have learned his behaviour from somewhere. It might be you’re just moving from one abuser to another. Perhaps supervised visits will always be the only option if you want to facilitate contact. A difficult one. Your local womens aid or the national domestic abuse helpline might be more helpful. Or the NSPCC have a helpline. Just take it slowly to begin with. It’s harder to reduce contact.

[KIP.]

His behaviour is designed to drain you. To wear you down. Set firm boundaries now because you will have decades of this. Do you have a third party you can use for all contact? Set boundaries with the children too. Don’t let him run up your legal bills. My ex did this with pointless letters that I had to pay for my solicitor to look at. My letter had ‘without prejudice’ written at the bottom which meant they couldn’t be used in court anyway. Talk to your local womens aid or victim support. Start gathering a support network around you x

[KIP.]

It will get better but absolutely zero direct contact and time are how it works. Contact is toxic and will keep your head in the trauma and cravings. block him on everything and report any contact to the police x tell friends and family you don’t wish to hear what he’s doing x

[KIP.]

Mediation is not a good idea with an abuser. He will simply manipulate the situation to his advantage. Womens aid do not recommend it. I’ve read that if it’s court ordered and there has been a history of abuse then you do not have to take part. Absolutely zero direct contact is how to deal with an abuser.

[KIP.]

Do you have help from womens aid or a local charity that can support you?

[KIP.]

Hey, doing okay thanks. You may wake up one day and need to talk so keep the number for future. It’s going to be a lot of emotions. My first rape was violent and I fought back but then I learned that to fight back made it worse. We learn quickly. Years later I asked him why he did it and his answer was well you married me didn’t you. He didn’t even try to deny it. Keep trying to build a life away from abuse. There is a good life out there and nice decent people to share it with x

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