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    • #41928
      Knots
      Participant

      Hi Eve,

      I had very similar problems with my eldest, who is now an adult. She wouldn’t go to school, stay in school when I forced her in or do any work. She self harmed, got very angry and withdrew. She developed anxiety and depression as well as low self esteem. She also had suicidal thoughts. These problems have persisted to some extent, but she now understands how to cope and accept appropriate help now she is older, so is much better and has a good life.

      I think I made a mistake trying to keep her on track with her education. It was a nightmare, even though I got her to university. I think she would have benefited from taking time to grow through the difficult teenage years and learn to cope, them return to education when she was a bit older. Don’t worry about your daughter not coping with education now, she can return as an adult and will be more motivated and able to cope. There are specific causes for adult learners and a lot of these learners have returned after experiencing difficulties during their school years, so it is never too late.

      I really feel for you, I know how terrible the worry is and how difficult it is to know what is best, but it will get better, remember all teenagers have their struggles, so this just makes the problems more intense at this stage. She has professional help too, it just takes time.

      Best wishes to you both

      xx

    • #41831
      Knots
      Participant

      Hi all, I have grown up children and still live with my bullying husband, hopefully not for to much longer. I know the current wisdom says protect your kids by not criticising their father, but I think that should be reserved for revenge criticism that is just about couples point scoring. In an abusive relationship I think the rules need to be different. I decided to talk to my kids honestly about their dad’s bullying and cruel behaviour and make it clear it wasn’t their fault. My eldest got the worst of it and suffered because it was a long time before I knew what he was saying to her and she thought I agreed. Telling them his behaviour is wrong, that their dad had some issues he was struggling to deal with and their understanding of the fear he creates has helped them cope with difficult times. It meant they felt they could always come to me to talk and I could reassure them. They also support each other. We are all very close now.
      I don’t know how other parents have coped or what they think of this.

    • #41824
      Knots
      Participant

      Hi Ks
      It sounds like you maybe suffering from PTSD. I think you need to discuss this with your GP. It seems to be very common in women that have suffered abuse. I’ve finally made an appointment to see my GP after an horrendous week where I just lost the plot.
      I would try the helpline again. You can explain why you didn’t find the local services helpful, they may suggest something else.
      In the meantime keep posting here, where everyone understands.
      Lots more hugs xxx

    • #41821
      Knots
      Participant

      This is such a positive discussion ladies. I lost the knowledge that I even had a sparkle once and thought I was just naturally a depressive. Even if I looked ok on the outside I felt no real happiness within, but I know that’s because of my awful relationship, having to watch what I say and do, never knowing if I get carried away in a happy moment I’ll get criticised and put in my place. Can’t wait for this to stop and I get away. I’ll think sparkle whenever I feel I can’t do this.
      Good luck to you all, I hope your sparkle keeps growing. X

    • #41819
      Knots
      Participant

      Hi Jupiter,
      Interesting what you say about adrenaline. I find it almost impossible to cope if I can’t physically use it up. I’m allowed to get back to the gym next week and can’t wait. It’s not that I enjoy it, but I can really feel the difference in my ability to cope and my physical symptoms.
      Dancing has been the best though, because it takes concentration too, so I stop obsessing over things for a while. What about finding a similar activity you might enjoy.
      There is a programme on BBC this week about stress and how to use it in a positive way. Can’t remember what day, I’ll look it up. X

    • #41797
      Knots
      Participant

      Hi lying, thank you for your reply. It seems to express what is happening to me. It is helpful to know it may be part of the leaving process. I feel so horribly anxious all the time and am channelling this in the wrong direction, can’t eat, or focus on basic tasks. All my energy is going on hiding how awful I feel, and I don’t think I’m doing a good job. Thank God for this forum.
      I nearly got out a few months ago, I hope it’ll be soon, you have given me hope, thank you. Xxx

    • #41755
      Knots
      Participant

      Big hug. You are right, the fear is far worse. That is how you are controlled by them. That is how all of us have been controlled, often for years. They are doing this because they get a reaction that feeds their pathetic inadequate lives. However you can’t just switch off fear, don’t I know that. You need some help to cope with this, have you phoned the helpline?

    • #41754
      Knots
      Participant

      You are right, the fear is far worse. That is how you are controlled by them. That is how all of us have been controlled, often for years. They are doing this because they get a reaction that feeds their pathetic inadequate lives. However you can’t just switch off fear, don’t I know that. You need some help to cope with this, have you phoned the helpline?

    • #41751
      Knots
      Participant

      Hi Jupiter, I do feel for you, these physical symptoms are awful.I don’t have exactly those symptoms, but anxiety has led to neck and shoulder pain as well as gastric reflux. The later has caused terrible problems with my throat despite medication, which has further heightened my anxiety. It just seems like a train you can’t get off that goes faster and faster.
      As I had terrible spasms in my neck and shoulders and physio only partly sorted this, I started going to the gym to strengthen my muscles. This helped, though it is hard to motivate.I also managed to run off my heightened adrenaline levels.
      I have also taken up a dance class. This helps me so much. You have to concentrate on the moves and the background noise of panic goes away for a while, it is such a release that I feel in my whole body.
      I haven’t been able to attend the gym for a few weeks and have really suffered as a result. Maybe finding some physical activity you enjoy will help. Sorry I can’t offer more insight.

    • #41750
      Knots
      Participant

      Thank you Phoenix . I am trying to pull myself together and made an appointment to see my GP. I can’t believe that after all these years of coping with the abuse and following strategies for survival,and now at the stage where I feel I was challenging the abuse and have no feelings for him, it is now that I am falling apart. I am so worried this will stop me from being able to leave.

    • #41331
      Knots
      Participant

      You don’t have to put yourself in situations that make you feel so bad. You need to give yourself time and space to begin to heal. I suspect you are trying to be fair to others, but at the moment the best thing you can do is be kind to yourself.
      You talk about writing down some of your feelings, do you think you could do it here, where people understand and can offer insight from their own experience. What is it specifically that is causing you to feel so horrible? I can imagine, but actually articulating it can be really helpful, if you fee able.

    • #41330
      Knots
      Participant

      What amazes me about all of you is that you have been brave enough to leave even when you still have feelings for your partners. You have taken such a brave step and of course you will feel grief at the loss of what could have been if they had not been abusers. Grief takes time to heal.
      I have not been as brave. I have slipped into years of this, and have no positive feelings for my partner. I hate him and can hardly stand being in the same room as him. That is where your relationships would be heading if you had stayed, you have spared yourself this and given yourself a future. I too think that poor role models in my childhood set me on a path of being attracted to men I thought were strong, but we’re abusive. It has taken so many years to see this and change. I am now ready to leave, but wished I had done so years ago.
      . My grown up children mostly feel anger towards him too and the way he has treated them. My eldest in particular has suffered greatly, mostly I had no idea he was so cruel to her as he did it when I wasn’t around. You are sparing them from this. Whatever else they feel, being away from a daily poisonous atmosphere will be so much better.
      You have futures with so much possibilities now. Don’t let your grief cloud that truth.

    • #41236
      Knots
      Participant

      Oh you are all telling my story too. How awful it is that so many experience the same thing, what does it say about our society that this pattern repeats for so many women. I realise that I was brought up in a family with a bully and mistook it for strength.
      I agree with the reasons why we stay, but think overall there is just that awful intimidation. On another post I likened it to a phobia. If you have a phobia of spiders you react and run before you have time to think rationally. Every time the abusive behaviour felt near or possible (nearly all the time) I would react to reduce it and not think about it until after then blame myself for being weak. Just like with spiders I would avoid situations that might expose me to them, like inviting friends round. The only difference was that I am not ashamed of my spider phobia and was happy to ask for help removing them. It is only really on this forum I am less shamed of my phobia of my husband. I am trying to ask for help to remove him now. All your stories are inspiring.

    • #41235
      Knots
      Participant

      Hi light,
      I hope to be following in your footsteps soon. From here you appear brave and amazing. I too have been married to my husband for years, it’s all I’ve really known in my adult life. When I’ve had brief moments of escape in recent (removed by moderator) years, it felt amazing, but as I move closer to leaving I just feel that I’m going to feel terrible anxiety and misery and I really have no love left for my husband at all. Reading posts on this site shows what you are feeling is normal, and it won’t last forever. Talking in this space is so helpful because everyone genuinely understands. Keep talking, I would love to hear how you are getting on, however that is. Give yourself a goal this week to do one thing, no matter how small, that would make you feel better even for a brief time. Good luck.

    • #41230
      Knots
      Participant

      Are you sure you have always been like this, even before the abusive relationship? The abuse doesn’t just affect the way you feel now, but can distort the way you view your past and your personality. As my own noose is loosening I have had glimpses of a different me. I described myself as basically depressive even though on the surface I could look happy, nothing really felt good, being out with friends was like searching for happiness, but the realisation it was out of my grasp made me think that was my natural state and I couldn’t feel proper happiness. This then fed into the idea that it wasn’t worth leaving my husband as I’d still be unhappy. Recently I spent time with someone and felt a real joy, no bottom line misery, just really happy. It disappeared, but returns a little bit every so often when things look more positive, so now the cats out of the bag it is another reason for me to leave my husband.
      The other thing my husband has done is made me view my past as one where I can cruel to those I had relationships with before I met him, so I saw myself as mean and deserving of what I got from him. I had this view directly challenged when I apologised to an ex, he didn’t know what I was talking about.
      You need to get to know yourself again. Just do things you may enjoy and don’t try to force things. A more positive outlook will gradually appear as you heal, you can’t force it. You will be able to feel more positive emotions as you gain a sense of yourself away from an abuser. And don’t compare yourself to others, you don’t know how they are really feeling inside.
      Good luck, keep going it will always be better than being with an abuser.

    • #41229
      Knots
      Participant

      I read a lot of posts which talk about staying with partners because they still love them and hope things will get better. That was me for about (removed by moderator) years I was absolutely in denial, whilst hiding his behaviour from friends and family, but for more than that time I have not felt any love at all, it all just disappeared. Yet I stayed even as I grew to hate him, still hiding it from others, though it was obvious to everyone that things weren’t right. In the face of everything terrible that has gone on I can only make sense of having stayed by likening it to a phobia, I know it is irrational and I would feel better if I just tackled it, but I still can’t pick up that big spider and put it outside.
      I hope you can x

    • #41228
      Knots
      Participant

      Hi Eyore, It is frightening to realise how manipulating abusers can be. I’m still trying to get my head round the fact that it may be a deliberate tactic. I am assuming you have left and are safe now as you refer to him as ex. It is good to read that. I hope things are good for you now.

      I’m trying to work on a plan to get out, but it’s taking time and an emotional toll.He can sense something has changed. His reaction has been to try to arrange things for us to do. This seems to pin me to the future with him and makes me feel trapped, but at the same time it looks normal and I feel ungrateful.
      The fact that he is mostly being nice at the moment, is escalating my guilt. My rational brain tells me it is manipulation, but I feel shame and guilt all the same. What if he has changed? I am focusing on the times when the mask slips, even though he tries to pop it back on quickly. Though this too could show he’s making an effort.

    • #41104
      Knots
      Participant

      Thank you so much for this reply serenity. I have read so much about how abuse escalates from psychological into physical, I didn’t know anyone had experienced it the other way around, it is a relief to know it isn’t me causing it all. I would look at other couples who could be relaxed with each other and be amazed at how they could talk and even argue without fear, I was so envious.
      I really recognise what you are saying and the description of being in survival mode. It is horrible but feels the safest option. I have always felt stress and that knot in my stomach but I have noticed how much my hands are shaking now I am making plans to go. Yours and others accounts of ptsd and negative times when they leave is a good forwarning. Knowing what is normal and can happen is so helpful no matter what as it is part of taking control back. I am ready for that.
      Thank you again.

    • #41101
      Knots
      Participant

      If he really wanted to commit suicide he wouldn’t have told everyone. Leave it to his family and solicitor to deal with, it is a classic control technique. In the unlikely event that he really is contemplating suicide his family can take responsibility to notifying health professionals who can decide whether to intervene, you must not take this upon yourself.
      The best thing you can do is block his emails, nothing good will ever be written in them.
      Can any of us on this forum say we haven’t got mental health problems after experiencing abuse, this won’t affect your role as a mother and no court is going to give custody to a man threatening suicide, if that is what you are worried about. He’s just throwing the whole bag of last ditch manipulating techniques at you. This shows you have done amazingly well to move on from him. Pat yourself on the back and get yourself some sleep, he’ll still be there in the morning composing another email, don’t read it.
      He is an adult, he is not your responsibility.

Viewing 18 reply threads

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