Lifebegins

[Lifebegins]

Hi Littlemissgettingthere

Sadly I think this is more common than people realise. Despite my child living with me most of the time, my ex was in their ear everytime they visited, bad mouthing me and telling downright lies so as to get my child onside and make out that I was lying about the abuse. This was even though my child had witnessed a lot of it! I used to feel sick to my stomach going to pick them up after a visit not knowing what awful lie had been said about me this week and then having my child shouting at me and calling me a liar. It was horrendous but I held onto my truth with my child because I knew it was the truth. And I was having counselling with Womens Aid at the time where I could talk about it, validate my experience and get advice on how to deal with it.

What I understand now is that these abusers are so convincing and are masters at gaslighting and coercive control that it can be understandable that kids, who trust them, believe them. I mean what dad would make up such awful things?! And then we as mothers often shield our kids from all of the harsh gory details to protect them, so then the kids are only hearing one fabricated version of events.

It’s a really hard thing to navigate. It went on for quite some time for me until my ex true colours started to show to my child – they can’t hide who and what he they are indefinitely at home. It may be that the ‘super dad’ act will wear thin when financial matters are concluded? Just a thought….

As for your ex’s family and friends, it’s not going to matter what you say or what deep down they may think/know, they will back him and often be his ‘flying monkeys’. It took me a long,long time to accept the injustice of this as I did nothing wrong except leave an abusive relationship, but now I’ve completely cut them out of my life I feel much better for it. Let them put up with him!

Apologies for rambling reply but this part of leaving was not something anyone had talked about and it turned out to be really the worse bit for me.

Have you had/are you having any counselling? It’s a godsend if you can access. Also, in my opinion I think you’ve set your daughter a good example of what’s not acceptable in a relationship by leaving, even if she doesn’t realise it now xx

[Lifebegins]

Absolutely @minimeerkat ❤️xx

[Lifebegins]

Great. Good to know your rights and options. Don’t forget assets such as pensions are factored in too, so include everything in your discussion.

Keep posting and let us know how you get on. Sending you a virtual hug 🤗xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi littlemissgettingthere,

My situation isn’t the same as yours but I have been involved in lengthy financial proceedings. (detail removed by Moderator).

(detail removed by Moderator)

If you are married and jointly own the property/assets, 50:50 would be starting point from legal standpoint and then it’s looking at needs. Not sure how that stands with grown up children- someone else may be able to answer that or Google it (I found loads of info this way). If you don’t jointly own, you may still be entitled to a split- just need to get the advice on what that would be).

The fact that he is financially better off could work in your favour as your need could be considered greater than his from division of assets.

Re: kids, you may need to weigh up how long you are willing to wait until it won’t be their family home any longer to sell, or sell now and have a clean break. Rest assured your ex will bad mouth you in every way, either way! And if you’re financially tied ie with a mortgage then you won’t be able to move on until your finances are resolved. My experience would be not to wait but that’s based on my circs. Your ex is unreasonably expecting you to leave with nothing until he decides it’s the right time to sell, which will be never. And even then, you’d most likely have to go down the court route anyway then as it’s very difficult to get an abuser to settle on a realistic and fair split. Court proceedings can be very lengthy and so you could be talking many years until your finances resolved if you wait (I didn’t and it’s still not 100% finished).

Btw, If he’s that concerned about kids’ education (im assuming that’s why he doesn’t want to sell) he could move out, rent and let you move back in until sale time to keep them in the family home? Yes I’m sure that’s not an option but could be a solution you proposed? He, as you state, is extremely financially stable. A solicitor could give you more advice on potential options/outcomes or perhaps try Rights of Women or wikidivorce is very good for practical divorce/financial advice.

Lessons learned for me – no contact and if you have to, everything by email so you have a paper trail of what’s said/agreed. Until you have final consent order approved by judge, they can change their mind on a whim. Also, these guys really get off on the power of controlling financial settlements/proceedings so the quicker you can get it over with the better. Legal fees cost an arm and a leg so if you’re going to seek advice be very clear on what you want and don’t deviate. Think carefully about what you want from a settlement and what would be the minimum you could /would accept. Sometimes it’s better to walk away with less than what you should get morally just to put an end to it and fron my point of view, whatever I’ve lost to be rid of him, is money well spent.

The kids aspect is hard but you have to be fair to yourself too. What he’s asking isn’t fair or right or legally acceptable.

Stay strong and good for you for getting out. Onwards and upwards now 💪 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Secret6

You mentioned earlier you have money. Landlords will often accept tenants without references if they can pay rent upfront for a period of 6 months (the shortest length of long term tenancy). Lots of people come from abroad and do this as they don’t have jobs or references. And then in another 6 months you pay upfront again and so on.

If you are not working, you can claim universal credit for your housing element without your Landlord being made aware, so could be saving for the next 6 month payment from your benefits. Or you may get a job with your newfound freedom.

My motto on my journey (I’m in the same age bracket and out a while now after long marriage) is ‘where there’s a will, there’s a way’. Sometimes it’s been extremely hard to find it but don’t give up!

Stay strong and sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Dovegirl, well done you!!!

As someone who’s left, and before leaving, never thought I could actually do it, it’s a massive surprise to actually do it! So give yourself a lot of credit.

I’ve been out for quite some time now, and my advice is be kind to yourself as things are not going to be resolved overnight, go no contact (this was I think the difference to me not going back as I had done before) and just start enjoying life. It’s all the little things that you couldn’t do before that make the difference xx

Stay strong and sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Blankcanvas,

So reading your post felt very similar to my experience. My ex has mental health issues – he is also an abuser. I think they are both separate, and the same issue. It doesn’t really matter which is the cause of his behaviour. What’s important is safeguarding your children.

I was so worried about what would happen if I refused contact, both in what he would do and if he went to court (that the court would enforce contact), that I lost sight of the priority, my child. It ended up that he physically assaulted my child on a visit and when they finally told me, and then opened up about all the emotionally/verbally abusive behaviour they were witnessing/being subjected on visits, I went to the police and children services.

The long and the short of it is that they (Police/children services) can’t really do anything unless they deem your ex a risk or there is a criminal case to answer. The responsibility lies with us as resident parents to keep our kids safe and both the police and children services advised me that I’m within my rights to refuse contact if I feel my child is unsafe. My ex would then have to go to court to get access. Conversely, children services/police could become involved if I put my child at risk by sending them to the abusive parent!

It’s a terrible time being in this situation as no one wants to give you a definitive answer, so I really feel for you as you are so on your own with this.

My child decided they didn’t want to see their dad anymore, they’re of an age where their wishes are considered and so I supported them with this and said no more direct contact. So far, quite a long time later, no court action from my ex. If they know abuse can be proven (I also had a non-mol with evidence of DA) and they also know their mental health will be investigated, I’m not sure they want to go to court with this. And my child has been absolutely thriving since without all the stress in their life.

My advice would be to go with your gut. If you’re worried, that’s enough.

Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 xx and stay strong xx

[Lifebegins]

And forgot to say, should he be problematic about posting them, he can get them delivered! He should only be coming to your home to collect kids at time agreed not any other.

[Lifebegins]

Hi @iliketea, I haven’t been on here for a while and then saw your post today. Again we’re encountering similar behaviours at the same time.

Slightly different circs. My child isn’t seeing ex by their own decision. And they’re old enough to decide now. I’ve been able to cut all contact with ex and his toxic family and it’s been a massive weight off my shoulders. And both me and my child are in a much happier place.

Of course my ex can’t have that so after all this time since we separated, he’s now taken to posting gifts through my door for my child. He contacts them first to get the ok. I let it go first (detail removed by Moderator) times but the latest time I said to my child I don’t want him coming to the house so be nice about it but advise he can post them, put money in your account etc but don’t give him the ok to come the house. Of course my child knows exactly what their dad is like having been on the receiving end of his abuse and I’ve had a lot of open conversations about abusive behaviours so they are aware of what they are and understand the manipulation behind them. Sadly they tell me they are happier without my ex in their life but why should they go without gifts.

I guess that’s a little what you’re kids are feeling. Sad he doesn’t turn up but at least they got a present. My ex used to do the not turning up and my child has now told me that they did hold that against him because nothing should be more important to him than their child.
It’s rejection of them and even presents don’t make up for it. What I did was everytime my ex didn’t turn up, I made a big fuss of my child saying ooh it’s great we get to spend extra time together and then do something nice with them instead. That’s the best present you can give them – you, your time and your love. And they know you never let them down.

I think it was WantsToHelp said a long time ago, kids start to see the behaviours for themselves and mine certainly has. I really struggled on if it was right to discuss the abuse with my child. I finally did and I’m glad I did but they were old enough to understand and had been on the receiving end and I needed for them to protect themselves.

My advice would be let them have the gifts, they are probably feeling a bit rejected by him whatever reason he’s giving and whatever gifts he’s gives them, but politely ask him to post rather than drop off. And carry on being the brilliant mum you are and make his non appearance up to them by giving them you and do something fun together. No presents needed.

Keep strong hun and sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi iliketea,

No experience of this I’m afraid in terms of moving after leaving abusive relationship although definitely something I’ve thought about as living in same place does have its triggers.

However I did make a move to where I’m living now (pre leaving) and it’s the best thing I’ve done. I love where I live although I’m not near family and my child loves it too and is settled. They did have to change schools which did present some difficulties but they soon got over it and made new friends.

It could be a new start for you, new area, new job, friends etc. I’d suggest you weigh up the pros and cons and see what you think. It’s also great fun thinking about and planning where you’d like to go, your new house etc.

Glad to hear you’re feeling and doing so well ❤️❤️❤️Xx

[Lifebegins]

No worries @Glasshalf. I totally get and remember feeling exactly the same way, the stress is unbelievable. But there is a route out of this, you just have to find the way that works best for you, your kids and your safety.

My circumstances in the end when I left were different as his behaviour escalated when I think he knew I was leaving and I was forced to go to the police (he was then removed from property by bail conditions and then a non molestation order and never returned). However, it was only just before that I had been thinking instead I would rent my own place and leave, getting myself and child sorted there temporarily and then sell family home and trying to do everything nicely as possible. But his behaviour put paid to all that. I don’t want to scare you just make you aware that with all your good intentions, things may not go as you’d hope. So no harm in considering all the options available to you now even if it’s not what the way you want to go at the minute.

Mediation is also an option which I tried, unsuccessfully, but I was desperate to try anything to resolve childcare and financials. They don’t recommend it in DA situations but you mentioned doing counselling, so maybe could work for you?

Have you spoken to any DA organisations like Womens Aid or National Domestic Abuse helpline? Both were great in giving me good advice and are very experienced in helping women in leaving safely and successfully. It can be scary calling for the first time and you don’t have to take action, it took me 6 months, but they may have options your solicitor may not consider.

I would also think worse case scenario if he doesn’t leave, is there somewhere you could go with the kids until the situation is resolved? You own the flat and are not married so I would think you will legally be able to have him removed later should it come to it, which I hope not. Good to always have a plan b ready.

If documents are coming from a bank or financial institution which you don’t want coming to the property, just call them and advise of your situation and they will usually accommodate. All the institutions/companies I’ve dealt with have been fantastically supportive.

Sending you positive thoughts ❤️ Xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi Glasshalf,

You are not doing anything to your family except extricating yourself from an abusive relationship and setting a good example for your children which in later years they will understand. I have left for quite a while now and my child has gotten older and knows now what their father is like and asks me why did I stay so long?!

Of course there have been good times with your partner. If it was all bad, you would have already left and it’s a common feeling we all wrestle with. But you know in your gut you’re doing the right thing. Hold onto that.

A couple of things you’ve written concerned me:

You will need to get a prohibited steps order asap if he’s threatening to take the children (I’m assuming you both have parental responsibility?) I did involve the police when I left and they told me he could take my child and there was nothing they could do about it without an order. I would suggest getting legal advice asap.

The loan in your name. Can you get the money back from him and repay it in full? I’ve been left with £000s of debt in my name which he hasn’t contributed a penny to since separation. If it’s anything like my situation, the gloves will come off once you leave him and he won’t play fair – to the contrary the abuse ramped up post separation via child contact and financial arrangements.

Amicable co-parenting is unlikely to happen. Like you I wanted to do the right thing and did everything to try and make things easier for him and my child and was really pandering to my ex just to keep the peace. If I knew then what I know now, I should’ve took a hard line at the beginning as I’ve ended up having to now, x years later, re: child contact.

Obviously you can’t go into detail on this forum about your shared care of children and finances but you sound like you have had good advice from your solicitor. It might be worth considering taking it when you’re ready. From my own experience, my financials are only recently partially sorted and still a way to go (I’ve had to self rep in the end as couldn’t go on paying endless legal fees) and the length of time and involvement needed has taken a toll on me.

Good for you deciding to leave 💪 I’ve never regretted it and although it’s been a hard slog, I’m really starting to live and enjoy life free from abuse.

You will get there. Stay strong and safe. This can be a dangerous time when they feel like they’re losing control so be vigilant. Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

Hi nbumblebee

My last morning that I lived with my ex I woke up and got up and my thought was “this is no way to live”. After many years of abuse I left that day and never went back.

Like you I’d lived this dreadful life for such a long time and never thought I’d leave. Yet here i am…….

Don’t give up hun 💪 xxxx

[Lifebegins]

Hi @minimeerkat I just wrote a long response and it didn’t post 😩 I will do it again later xx

[Lifebegins]

What fantastic and inspirational news! It’s a long hard road and you’ve done amazing – well done you. Congratulations and now onwards and upwards.

Sending much love for the future ❤️Xx

[Author]

Posts