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    • #135135
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi StartingOverAgain

      So not taking away from your feelings but I really wish I was in your position and the legal nightmare was over. Well done you you’ve made it to the other side. You’re an inspiration to us!

      Today I went to the cinema by myself. Really enjoyed it. Not the first time I’ve done it. The first time I felt very self conscious. Went to see a chick flick and surprisingly there was loads of women there on their own. So that built my confidence and I do it quite a lot now and love it. Give it a try if you like watching films (and eating loads of goodies).

      I know you don’t feel you could work right now but how about volunteering? I used to work with single parents and the first thing I helped them do was finding a voluntary position. It was great in building confidence, establishing relationships and actually helping them move into work when the time is right. And you don’t have to commit too much time to it so great if you’re not yet ready to jump into work.

      I totally agree that fighting the fight takes over your life. You need another focus now. I was so proud of you when I read your post about taking on solicitors re: legal fees. Good for you. You’re obviously a very competent and able women. You will find another avenue to use these skills just give it time.

      Xxx

    • #135020
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Thanks StartingOverAgain. I will pm you. Well done on getting your money back. Good when we start realising our power 💪xx

    • #135015
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Unfortunately I’m now repping myself as I can longer afford a solicitor. This is emboldening him and his solicitor I think.

      But I’m just realising I don’t need to be afraid of them. They send threatening letters to try and force me to accept what they’re proposing. I don’t have to. Only a court can enforce anything.

      Tried calling Rights of Women but I couldn’t get through. I’ll try again tonight. Wish there was a place you could locate legal info to look up by yourself xx

    • #135002
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi soconfused2

      I’m out for quite a while and still going through the legal process.

      Although it can be stressful I don’t for one minute regret leaving. I have my sanity now which you can’t put a price on. My child is thriving out of the toxic situation. I’m not walking on eggshells all the time or frightened in my own home. I’m not being shouted and sworn at or threatened or called horrible names. I can listen to music and watch what I want on TV. I can wear what clothes or make up that I want without being sneered at. I can go where I want and When I go out I’m not racing against the clock to get home nor being fearful of his response in case I’ve had a nice time which he wouldn’t like. I’m not being gaslighted and or having my confidence eroded daily. I’m starting to rediscover what I actually enjoy doing and what fun is. I’m finding my power and taking responsibility for just me and not being blamed for anyone else’s life, unhappiness, bad moods, etc. I’m planning for my future which I’d totally given up on having resigned myself to a life with my abuser. And the list goes on……

      A relationship should be about building each other up, sharing love and happiness, good times and bad but being respectful and kind always. I had very little of any of that. I welcome never speaking to him again (all done through 3rd parties) as I never want to give him the chance to do what he does best; abuse. Not speaking to him has actually helped me heal.

      You sound like you’re at the very low point that we all go through when we leave an abusive relationship. It does get better. You will start to live a new ‘normal’ life which of course will involve time away from your children or maybe living in a new home. Hard to adjust to at first but you can make it a positive. Counselling really really helped me get to where I am today.If you’re not already doing it speak to Women’s Aid or your GP for a referral.

      Sending you hugs 🤗 xx

    • #134966
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Oh no StartingOverAgain. I saw your post before it was deleted! Xx

    • #134946
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Thanks KIP. it’s quite complicated so the free initial advice with a solicitor isn’t going to cover it. I’m going to try Rights of Women and see if I can get through.

      When will this end???? I feel like my head’s going to explode. I can see why women give up as the legal process is just another avenue for abuse aided and abetted by their solicitors. But I’m going to keep going. He’s not going to bully me anymore. And at least I’m not living with him. That every day is a blessing. Unfortunately for him that’s something he can’t escape! Xxx

    • #134754
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      I had the same. He said if you leave I’ll be dead within months. Well he’s still alive and kicking! with some other poor woman. I always thought I’d be devastated when I found out he was with someone else (which I was with a previous non-abusive partner and an amicable ending to the relationship) but actually I had an initial stomach lurch then my sensible head kicked in and I just felt absolute pity for the woman. Abusers are all sadly very predictable and move on very quickly.

      Forget him. Concentrate on you. A much better use of your energy 💪xx

    • #134717
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      I think if you turn your phone off it can’t be tracked as no signal. On a lot of phones there is a find my phone app which if you go into you can see if your phone location is being shared with anyone. Takes 2 secs and you can disable it in settings I understand (obviously just do it as soon as you’ve left as you don’t want to alert him beforehand). Not sure if there are any other methods of tracking though.

      Be careful. We’ve discussed this on the forum before but they seem to have a sixth sense about us when we’re about to leave. Like you I was petrified about what his reaction would be after I left but I involved the police and they took over completely and helped me leave and legally put a stop to any further abuse. Even so, I was vigilant after and remain so.

      Def deal with gun situation after you get yourself sorted. If your mum is getting extra locks on the door, then this is not a man that should have a gun. I can’t say much on the forum but the police take this very very seriously. Pm when you’re sorted and I can explain.

      And your right it’s scary leaving but exciting too. Although I was scared the relief I felt after I left was indescribable. Good luck. Keep safe and stay strong. Wishing you all the best xxx

    • #134641
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi Anon321123

      No you most definitely don’t have to wait for him to hit you to get out. In my opinion you are being abused; physically, emotionally, financially and with coercive/controlling behaviour.

      It was quite spooky reading your post as I practically could’ve written it word for word a while back. I’ve been out quite a while now and I haven’t regretted it for a minute.

      I’m not sure from your post if you’re new to the forum. Have you done any reading on abusers and their behaviour. I started with Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and Why Does He do That by Lundy Bancroft. Both were eye openers for me. And of course finding this forum and getting great advice from the ladies on here.

      There is also a wealth of advice from organisations like Women’s Aid and Refuge national domestic abuse.

      Sending you a virtual hug 🤗 keep sharing. we’re here to listen xx

    • #134322
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi nbumblebee. I’ve pm’d u xx

    • #134234
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi Neuranfang

      If you haven’t already, first step contact Child Maintenance Services. They will calculate, arrange and enforce maintenance payments. This is ok if he’s employed; you get minimal if they are on benefits or cooking their books if self employed. They may waive their £20 fee for DA applicants. For me, payment was sorted very quickly.

      Re: debt, I’m in exactly same position. Stepchange are great in helping you negotiate payments with creditors if you’re struggling to pay. It was a huge relief when I spoke to them. Wish I had done it sooner. They may also have advice re: debt occurring from financial abuse but I think if it’s in your name solely, then you’re responsible. All the credit companies I’ve spoken to have been really understanding and supportive when they are told debt is due to DA. I was able to sleep much easier when I dealt with the debt.

      Re: obtaining new credit, this will be an uphill struggle to obtain. I’ve accepted it’s going to be a long while until I can access any credit. Any chance of arranging a lift to take kids to school? Xx

    • #134232
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi Whitegoddess

      I haven’t got experience with an ex drinking so not the best person to give advice on that but child contact can all be done via 3rd party. I am no contact and have not had any direct contact with my ex and it’s been quite a while since I left.

      Don’t wait to go to Child Maintenance Services. In the hope of trying not to inflame the situation further, I tried to arrange voluntary agreement via solicitor and mediation (mediation was a complete waste of time and money for me) but a very long time after I left, still no maintenance so I went to CMS and payments started within (removed by moderator) weeks. I will never get the money back from before as maintenance only starts from when you claim. There is a calculator on the gov.uk website and if you advise of domestic abuse, they may waive the £20 fee and accept your application straight away (I think they normally expect you to negotiate a voluntary arrangement before you go to them but obviously that’s rarely possible with DA).

      Hope that helps xx

    • #134215
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Thanks for the response cakepops. A lot of what you say resonates with me; we have a lot of similarities with our situations, unfortunately. It’s actually like we were with the same man! I too am always looking for solutions but you’re right sometimes there just isn’t anything we can do.

      Im going to look into CBT now. I need something just to get me to the next step in the journey. I really want to stop feeling angry and stressed with his antics. Very hard at the moment with all I have going on but I don’t want to waste any more of my precious energy and life on him than I absolutely have to.

      Onwards and upwards 💪 xx

    • #134214
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      I know the feeling. Whenever I get email from 3Rd party my stomach lurches and I think what now??? Lots of completely unnecessary contact and trouble making. I hate even looking at my emails now because in the back of mind I’m always slightly anxious.

      Could you ask these flying monkeys to contact you in another way other than phone unless extremely urgent? ie email? Surely if your solicitor or SS want to talk to you, they could put it in writing unless as I said it’s very urgent? Everything I’ve been doing legally is so slow so I can’t see why not. Good to have a written record too.

      I haven’t done this yet but someone suggested to me setting up a new email address. Rather than one only for him/flying monkeys which they won’t use, set up a whole new one for you and notify everyone who needs to know of your new email address. Then if you’ve got the old one on your phone, take it off your phone as an app and only log into on the website once/twice a week at times set by you. Anything that was mega urgent, would be addressed by phone call otherwise you deal with it via email at a time that is good for you.

      I’ve got a lot of stuff going on at the moment but I intend to do this v soon. A new email for a new me. One I won’t be afraid to look at xx

    • #134164
      Lifebegins
      Participant

      Hi cakepops

      You don’t sound controlling at all. Does your ex call you that? Mine does!

      I totally appreciate having contact boundaries in place to support your child’s needs. Our ex’s are used to us dancing to their tunes and it’s all about their needs. Luckily we are supported with boundaries by the law and I don’t care what anyone thinks as long as I do the best for my child and myself.

      Re: video games, this has not cropped up yet for me but it’s an interesting question. I like you would be concerned if they wanted to play together online. My first thought was that this should be done on your ex’s parenting time not yours. From my own experience it’s hard enough policing children on video games as it is ie. setting time limits, etc without adding your ex to the mix. Kids often get frustrated playing video games or don’t want to stop and you need to intervene. The last thing you need is your ex online encouraging negative behaviour from your child towards you when you are parenting in your own home.

      Also, depending where your child plays you then have the intrusion of your ex in your home at any given time. I’m listening to my child talking/shouting to their friends right now on video games and the last thing I’d want to hear is them talking away to their dad for hours! And perhaps daily!

      If it comes up I think I would talk to my child and explain you see your dad on x, you FaceTime x and x and you text when you want, so I think you need to keep to playing video games with them to when you see them. My child is old enough to know what’s going on so I think they would know I wouldn’t be ok with it.

      If your ex has a problem with it, well I don’t think the court would support playing video games in your parenting time especially if you’re facilitating contact as agreed in all other mediums.

      Your ex sounds like mine, the gift that keeps on giving. Good for you with maintaining those contact boundaries 💪 it’s does wonders for your sanity xx

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