Forum Replies Created
-
AuthorPosts
-
-
14th January 2018 at 1:43 am #53238
lilaclady
ParticipantNo contact is the only way. The minute you respond to them, to emails texts whatever it opens that door and off they go. My ex would do exactly the same. But I think Janedoeissad you are so on the right track. If you feel you need to send the ‘we’re over” email do it but then don’t respond to his responses. If he is anything like my ex there will be many.
-
13th January 2018 at 6:49 pm #53220
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks ladies! He is definitely doesn’t accept the concept of leave me alone either! The nanny can indeed be a buffer which is great I am getting her to do the changeovers and she’s really good about everything. You’re right KIP he is COMPLETELY teeing up using me to blame for his actions. Saying I am the one pushing us down (detail removed by moderator). And his family seem to be believing his story about it all. They have really frozen me out it seems but I told myself I cannot change what they think up to them and if they want to believe him fine. I know I simply cannot sit down and work through this with him as he is completely irrational. I need a lawyer in my corner. My ex says he wants to be amicable with me which I do not believe for one second. My father is currently visiting and my MIL demanded to see him and my Dad said he’s going and he wants to set her straight on a few things he has seen whilst he has been here. She basically thinks her son is the golden boy and can do no wrong. Yeah the son that has also been nasty to her in the past.
I don’t know why this bothers me but it does currently I feel really REALLY worried (detail removed by moderator) I just feel like I am playing into his story of oh look told you she’s a total gold digger and then it validates his rubbish. Yet I know like I said before I cannot NOT have one!
I really hope this does get easier! I’m holding on to that day when I am free and all of this is done.
-
10th January 2018 at 9:09 am #53019
lilaclady
ParticipantThank you so much White Rose. I’ve got no contact now…first time I’ve done it. And I have to say it has made things much easier for now not having to listen to his stuff, his family are definitely buying into his twisted story of what’s happening as they have all been very cold over text etc. which is a shame. You’re advice is excellent White Rose and I shall take it to heart and remember it. I hope 2018 is the year it all gets settled for you good luck xx
-
8th January 2018 at 6:13 pm #52928
lilaclady
ParticipantAh also KIP how did it turn out for you? Did you get it all sorted with lawyers? Did it take ages? And did nothing your ex say actually happen (as in all the scare tactics of you’ll get nothing etc!)
-
8th January 2018 at 6:11 pm #52927
lilaclady
ParticipantI so need to go no contact KIP you’re so right. My nanny usually does the changeovers so I don’t have to deal with him but it’s holidays here so she’s still off. But once she’s back she can do that. My dad only here for a short time visiting (I was he was here longer). Just need the lawyer to be back from holiday finally so I can action the letter and everything else. I need someone fighting my corner there is no way I am sitting down with him and his “plan”. Thanks KIP!
-
8th January 2018 at 9:25 am #52899
lilaclady
ParticipantA lot of this has resonated with me… not sure if mine are but here’s just some
– Ignoring me for days after he had exploded with anger then suddenly being super nice and denying anything had happened.
– Always denying the things he said.The insults the shouting. He would in fact say I was shouting and angry when I wasn’t at all, wasn’t even saying anything.
– Being angry if I ever talked to my friends or family about anything in our relationship
– If I went out to see friends he would act all sad like I was abandoning him. So then I wouldn’t go out.
– Telling me to get out of HIS house, it’s my house get out. Then a few hours later being fine and over nice to me.
-Criticising my clothes or hair. It was weird or what are YOU wearing?
– Being vile to me at home then if we went out being super nice a quick switch in front of people just like that.
– Saying to me if he killed himself it would be all my fault.
– Many many backhanded compliments “you’ve got a new job, hope you’ll actually be good at it”
– If ever I cried (I learnt not to when he was awful) I was a victim “look at you being the victim”I feel so sad reading all these posts but in a weird way I feel stronger for writing these down does that make sense? The amount of times I would feel like I was going mad, had imagined things…I still do sometimes!
-
8th January 2018 at 9:14 am #52898
lilaclady
ParticipantMe again..
KIP you are so right he is sinking to new lows. As soon as he can see the control being taken away he loses it. Today I had to go and pick up our son from him as a friend of his had passed away he was due to have our son till tomorrow but no problem I thought something bad has happened I can take him early. Prior to this he had rang me to tell me how our son went at kindy and then used that to then tell me we needed to sit down and talk about money etc. and be nasty. I said no I cannot do this with you as you cannot be reasonable. Then of course when I picked up my son he was ranting (nothing scary all insults) about how I just want money etc. and how I am spending all the money in the joint account on myself. I’m actually currently living off the joint account as I’ve just started a new job and have had no salary the past two months. He says he will provide for our son and how everyone cannot BELIEVE how I am acting everyone thinks I am crazy! Even his ex rang him today to say how sure he can get hot headed but he doesn’t deserve this he’s great! I’ve been ignoring his mother (I haven’t) and I have just played him this last year we have been separated (I actually stupidly wanted to work things out with him tried counselling etc.) it was horrible. Then after he has broken me down he calms down and is all mr nice guy. I am just trying to help you as lawyers will take all the money, we can talk about it and come to an arrangement. He doesn’t have any money anyway and is just trying to protect me. I drove home in floods of tears it was awful. I felt so strong today started a new job that is excellent and really a positive step. Luckily my dad came round we had a lovely dinner and he told me be strong use the lawyer. So I will. Unfortunately the part of the world I am in is summer and everyone is on summer break my lawyer included so I need to just try and keep my ex at bay until I can get the letter sent. Thank you all for you support I am taking each day as it comes.
-
7th January 2018 at 7:26 pm #52880
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks Kip. You are so right and I can already see him sinking to new depths. He’s now saying we need to sit round a table together and sort out making a bank account for expenses for our son and thats it. He wants it all under his control and I am saying NO. Here it’s summer holidays so my lawyer isn’t back for a few weeks so just waiting until he is back and the letter goes out and not divulging much to my ex so he cannot get his ducks in a row or start hiding money. He keeps saying he is broke which is utter crap he just wants to protect all his money.
-
6th January 2018 at 8:53 pm #52795
lilaclady
ParticipantThese posts are making me feel so much better! A million thank yous. He is totally trying to delay and distract saying he is not ready to talk about sorting out things, refusing to use a lawyer (and then saying if I do he will get the best against me). It will be terrible when he receives the letter but just reading all you guys have said has made me even more determined to use the lawyer and just get on with it. My ex is a very proud man, to the outside world he’s Mr Perfect, amazing father, funny, charming etc… so I am hoping that may (note the use of the word may here) work in my favour as he might not want the outside world to see him as being a sh*t to me and dragging things out. Ayanna my lawyer did mention that my ex would have to pay legal costs OR they come out of a settlement as he earns considerably more than me. In the meantime I am trying to keep the faith that everything will be ok, I will get through this and my son and I will be ok. I love how you say Ayanna “be fierce fight do not care” that is my mantra now.
-
6th January 2018 at 7:46 am #52753
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks everyone! I do have a lawyer recommended to me by a really really helpful friend. I saw him before Christmas and he was great and he is sending a letter to him to get things started (which I am dreading as it will kick off world war three!) I’ve been easing off the contact with my ex (which has been great don’t have to deal with his cr*p anymore). I am having a good positive day today but they come and go. Yesterday was blind panic and fear! but you are all so right I simply cannot walk away with nothing or just settle without knowing his financial status cos at the moment all I go on is what he says…”everything is protected you won’t get a thing”…”I’ll pay EVERYTHING for our son…”….”I don’t have any money I am financially stretched”. God I cannot wait till this is all over. Thanks all these posts have REALLY helped!
-
4th January 2018 at 6:55 pm #52638
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks everyone for your wonderful posts am hanging on in there!
-
17th December 2017 at 10:06 pm #51410
lilaclady
ParticipantI was in exactly the same position as you last year. I had got to the point where I had identified what he was doing and knew I needed to get out. It was hard at Christmas as he went back to being mr nice guy so I just went with the flow knowing deep in my heart it wasn’t right. Ring your solicitor find out what your options are that was the first thing I did. Then I worked on a plan. So do that. It will make you feel better knowing you are making small steps to get out. It is hard it is scary but just keep sticking to what your gut is telling you. Do you have good support anyone you can talk to that really helped me too. I got out and having a place (even tho rented) was so much better to have calm and peace and not deal with his explosions. Its not been easy but being out has been much better. SO just work on a plan listen to yourself get support. You can do this. and keep posting here too really helps xx
-
17th December 2017 at 9:59 pm #51408
lilaclady
ParticipantI hope you are ok! sending hugs to you. Glad its been reported. Do you have good support around you? x
-
17th December 2017 at 9:52 pm #51405
lilaclady
ParticipantAnger is way better than fear. I am angry that lots of counsellors said it was just a couple problem. I am angry that his counsellors gave fuel to his fire by saying I was a commitment phobe because I left. I am angry that it gets twisted around that I left poor him. I’m angry that I am left on my own struggling. I am angry and being told what to do how to feel. Good on you those that are using your anger to change the system. Still in our society this isn’t talked about enough and I am angry at how many times I have been told just to take it or he was just stressed. No more fear x
-
17th December 2017 at 9:48 pm #51403
lilaclady
ParticipantEve I feel for you and you have summed up how I feel by the title of this post. But everyone on here is right be proud of how far you have come. You can live your life in peace. And this is the place to get this stuff off your chest! I left my husband a while ago and things are incredibly tight. I don’t have a job at the moment (currently interviewing like crazy fingers crossed I get something soon) and struggling to make ends meet. Today I just felt totally overwhelmed after another horrid conversation with my ex (again saying how I’ve left him and made his life miserable). And I just sat here and cried and thought please let this new year coming be better. And that is my hope for you for ALL of us that next year is better. I hope you’re ok and hold on to that thought of how far you’ve come you strong lady! xxx
-
3rd December 2017 at 8:41 am #50728
lilaclady
ParticipantYou are so right they never change. The only thing that changes is we finally get to the point you have, have nothing left to give and realise it’s getting worse. You are so right in focusing on yourself and your children.
I am at the same point. Finally there with this NEVER changing.I’m calling a lawyer tomorrow and getting the ball rolling on this. NO MORE. The same behaviour week in week out the controlling, wanting the power. blaming, nasty etc etc. The unknowns are really hard to deal with I so feel for you. My husband has told me time and time again he will destroy me if we divorce. But the unknown is exactly what it is unknown what we do know is that enough is enough.
KIP is so right get yourself a good lawyer. Don’t bother with solicitors. Keep telling yourself NO MORE. And keep posting here we are all here for you.
Eat breakfast if you can too! I know it’s hard but your body needs fuel at this time. xx
-
2nd November 2017 at 4:29 am #49584
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks Sunshine. Every time I try and end this fully I think waiver… I think now because he is being nice. I have a lawyer on standby and she said I can apply for emergency maintenance should he pull the rug out from under me. This is hard and like you say I need to rally my courage xx
-
30th October 2017 at 11:39 pm #49518
lilaclady
ParticipantThanks both! Already I am wavering…he’s been all nice now…. I just feel like I am stuck in this endless cycle and I can’t break it!
I have got some financial info but most of it needs to come from him sadly! He has lots of trusts, and investments etc.
-
29th October 2017 at 11:14 pm #49465
lilaclady
ParticipantThis is such a good post. I am out but now about to divorce so that’s going to be another nightmare but being out these are the things I freedom means.
1. No more staying at work late as I don’t want to go home and face him
2. No more waking up in the morning wondering what he is going to be like
3. No more waiting for his next explosive anger incident
4. Watching the TV when I want and what I want
5. Going to bed when I want
6. Having friends round
7. Seeing friends
8. No more treading on eggshells at homexx
-
4th September 2017 at 12:33 am #46914
lilaclady
ParticipantI am going to make a list, good idea. To read everytime I wonder why I left or why people question me why I left. Sounds like it would help immensely having a list!
-
10th July 2017 at 3:36 am #45134
lilaclady
ParticipantI know it is really hard but he wants you to be scared and like someone else said its all about power and control. My ex has been the same (though not to the same extent I really feel for you hun. He just accuses me of walking out on him and the marriage when I tried and tried and have left because of his abusive behaviour!!!). (detail removed by moderator) Anyone you can speak to for advice or anything as it will really help and stop you feeling so scared and alone KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. (detail removed by moderator). Do you have anyone else you can talk to? Friends family? its a horrible process but one day you will be out there other side we are all here for you xxx
-
10th July 2017 at 3:29 am #45133
lilaclady
ParticipantI feel the same Tiffany. I am finding it hard to see things in perspective too. One minute I am convinced I have done the right thing leaving my partner and then the next I feel like he does have good points and did I throw it all away. I feel so conflicted. BUT in my heart of hearts I know this relationship wasn’t right and it would never be right. I think the only thing we can do is take the time, and in time we will be able to see things in perspective. Hope you’re ok xx
-
3rd July 2017 at 12:53 am #44901
lilaclady
ParticipantI love this. Life is incredibly hard at the moment as I try to divorce my ex. The albatross resonates with me so much. Currently my heart is breaking I am exhausted and broken but I am gathering strength to just get this done, to just launch and fly and I know in my heart things are going to be so much better once I am free he’s out of my life and I am flying. Also Serenity love the poem about jumping… Thanks all.
-
25th June 2017 at 10:06 am #44655
lilaclady
ParticipantRants are fine, better out than in! I totally felt the same today… that same feeling of all my hopes and dreams being wrapped up in him and then shattered by him. I feel envious when I hear other women talk about their lovely husbands too. Sunshine Rain Flower we will heal and we will get there, to a better life. Look after yourself xx
-
21st June 2017 at 11:59 pm #44495
lilaclady
ParticipantThis is amazing KIP you give me hope too. Have a celebration!
-
21st June 2017 at 10:13 am #44432
lilaclady
ParticipantLegobricks we are all here for you. Please ring the helpline they will give you great advice and in my experience knowledge is a great thing, otherwise it’s all so overwhelming. I am so glad you have your friend to talk to. Also speaking to a GP is also a good idea as that will all be logged. You are not alone we are here and please get some advice and support xx
-
21st June 2017 at 10:08 am #44431
lilaclady
ParticipantI spent lots of time trying to work my husband out and it’s utterly pointless. Their behaviour is totally irrational so trying to see it from a rational frame of mind never works. It gets so confusing and the time I used to spend justifying myself when he would twist things against me. PLEASE keep chatting on here and come in to check in often. It helped me so much talking to the other ladies on here to finally get clarity. To realise that his behaviour was NOT ok and it was never going to change or get better. Even after lots of counselling he STILL cannot recognise the problem. But like Tiffany says it is so hard to see when you are in the midst of it. We are all here for you keep posting xx
-
21st June 2017 at 10:00 am #44430
lilaclady
Participantyes! He loves a fight that’s he default setting the whole time. Not once have I heard him saying lets do what’s best for our son. Not once. And it’s always his agenda what HE wants. So now he’s switched to not wanted to sit down and talk about agreements for separation and finances. He wants to just keep things the way we are without supporting us one bit. Always his way! Argue an empty house too true!! Currently he wants a few weeks to just process thats fine! You go ahead an process and don’t call me while you do with your threats.
-
21st June 2017 at 2:06 am #44416
lilaclady
ParticipantYou need legal help with this. Can you contact Citizens Advice or Rights for Women. You need someone to fight to get access to your kids and also to work on custody. I would DEFINITELY ring the helpline here they can advise you. Your child has spoken up on this so you need someone to be fighting for you and working your case for you.
-
22nd June 2017 at 2:49 am #44496
lilaclady
ParticipantHe totally didn’t think he was doing anything wrong yet (like someone else on here said) he would never behave like that at work or with his friends. Its NOT OK to be someone’s emotional punching bag. Like I say my ex has never faced up to his behaviour never will and minimises the whole thing. So don’t waste time getting him to see it for what it is he never will. Get help keep posting on her it is such a help and like Sunshine says listen to you gut, that helped me a lot !
-
-
AuthorPosts