Lilypink

[Lilypink]

Thanks for your reply diymum x Yes I guess I’ll just have to gage how the contact goes. It was a 6 month programme. I heard snippets of the report via the social worker, but ideally I would like to read it for myself if that’s allowed; I’m not sure if it is.

[Lilypink]

Really sorry to hear how you’re feeling tonight KIP. You are a very strong person and have shown such wisdom and care towards others in this forum, despite the immense pain you live with everyday. Your son will see the light one day..Stay strong, its not over yet…in solidarity xx

[Lilypink]

Thanks for your comments and advice. Yes, I’ve accepted that he won’t be a part of these ‘moments’ and KIP I’ve realised that it’s up to him to ask and then I can make my decisions. I constantly feel that I should be considerate of his feelings, but understand that this way of thinking gets me absolutely nowhere and sets me back a hundred times, so I have to be hardball otherwise he just takes advantage. Like someone mentioned to me in a previous thread, this is moral fight now and I’m ready for it.
Tiffany…thanks for the suggestion.. just what I plan to do. Will send photos to a third party who can pass onto him, if he even mentions it. Have had no indication that it’s even on his radar. We have no contact with each other at all; I had to shut that down as he was taking liberties and using the process to try and bully me again, I was becoming a mess.
I hope that he does gain insight into his behaviour and start to make some changes for the better whilst on this programme, but KIP I’m with you, in that I’m sceptical. Time will tell i guess…

[Lilypink]

Yes diymum and purplecat….I’m realising that the pain and frustrations just can’t be bottled up and they need an outlet, so the outbursts (however unpleasant) are part of this process of healing, just like the emotional breakdowns in private and the tears that can’t be controlled and just keep coming. I do really value the free will I have now, but the trauma bond to him is still so significant, that its taking me time to fully accept that I can do this alone and that I’m not all the things he used to say I was. I really struggle with this..his power over me was (and still is) so immense. Makes me feel so desperately isolated and alone.

But at the same time, yes fizzylem, I agree that I need an outlet to keep my mind occupied at times, in order to manage the anger and frustrations. I hope to work out a plan soon, because staying with family is not a long term option; as comfortable as it is most of the time and afraid as I am of living alone, I need to make this leap of faith. I get excited at the thought of having my own place and space to think and breathe, be myself, but every so often, I see that idyllic picture and its marred by thoughts of my child’s father, who could potentially put blockers in my way if I want to move out of the area. It’s a never-ending cycle, but am just going to have to persevere and keep reminding myself over and over again, that I can do this. Hope you’re all doing ok…in solidarity with you, take care xx

[Lilypink]

Thanks Fizzylem; this is all sound advice and I definitely need to learn to walk away and sometimes pick my battles. sorry and explanations dont wash with them. It’s tough love most of the time. They’ll only forgive me over time – I really lost it, just at breaking point.
My counselling with WA is due to start in a months time.. desperately need it but it was put back to accommodate someone else who needed an extension to theirs. I am angry, frustrated, depressed, anxious..all of it. Feel v dejected with how my life has panned out. I guess it feels like I’ve reverted and every time my parents and I come to blows it’s just a reminder that I wish I had my own space and my own life; the pain never goes away of what I’ve been through yet some days I wish I was back there with him, on the days when things were ok and I felt we were making progress as a couple.
When I get into arguments with my folks, it’s like it also validates his abuse against me and I’m reminded of all the times he told me I was nothing and deserved only the worst. I always feel that I’m being judged left right and centre. Need to find my peace. Hopefully, it will get better over time. X

[Lilypink]

Thank you for the words of support..

Yes there is an order in place and at the moment. He was seeing our child at a contact centre for awhile & is now seeing our child at his relative’s house, who’s doing the ‘supervision.’ Tbh, I feel I’ve agreed to this under pressure from his legal counsel, when ultimately I knew it was inappropriate to have to come into contact with his side. I feel as if I’ve agreed too much too soon, as he’s not even completed the rehabilitation programme he’s been ordered to go on. I thought I was doing the right thing for my child, but it’s becoming difficult for me as the weeks progress.

The process of having to see his family members at handover is what has brought on all these feelings, because I do the handover (it was too upsetting for my own family & they have supported me so much in other ways) Yes, I definitely feel that he’s made up lies about me, as I’ve seen what he is capable of saying about me in the court system, so he would probably say the same to them. But I’ve let him get inside my head for so long, that I care what they think when I shouldn’t. At times, when I feel very vulnerable, I believe him when he told me that I broke the family code by reporting his violence. Victim shaming is so prevalent. And until I’ve started to heal from all of this it’s very difficult to cut the trauma bonds because for so long I have let this person rule my thoughts & what I think about myself. It’s just awful.

So it doesn’t feel like I’m anywhere near ready to meet the terms of what he’s asking with regards to contact..

I know it’s about clawing some of the control back over this & asking the (detail removed by moderator) that enables things to move a lot slower rather than faster, which is what he wants. But I don’t know how they’ll view that in terms of our child.

[Lilypink]

That’s spot on.. absolutely..just have to keep reminding ourselves of that. Moving forward, hopeful for more positivity in our lives, rather than using up our mental energy in the ‘could have been, might of been.’

[Lilypink]

Yes you’re right..it’s about envisioning the life ahead now & taking the small steps to achieve it. Heard something on the TV that resonated with me that we have to remember..once it’s all done and we’ve broken away, that our life stories are on a new path, separate from the life we left and it’s about making new, position memories. Am trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind, when things get tough!

[Lilypink]

Hi Fudgecake,

I hope the feelings of being frightening have eased slightly? But I can totally understand the anxiety and panic that comes with leaving…I felt the same, but over time its getting better. Definitely try and reconnect with people you were close to at one point. It’s important to have a couple of people that you can just meet for a coffee & talk, even cry…let it out. Are you having therapy? I feel it’s invaluable to just cope with the pain & trauma of what we’ve been through. Yes.. with family sometimes you have to sometimes keep the emotions in check. In my case I know it’s taken a real toll on my parents mentally but they just keep going & try to be strong for my sake & my child. Even in the aftermath of me leaving and them giving me sanctuary, he has shown very little regret towards them, towards me…no remorse. Going through the legalities of it all, also makes us feel so exposed & even though I seem to have the upper hand, he’ll make me second guess myself or twist and deny the controlling behaviour and arrogance
even though it’s blatantly obvious that he’s still trying to break me down .. frustrating but trying to rise above it & not let it get me down, even though it’s easier said than done. I’ve started going to a support group. Have you tried this? Might help to alleviate feelings of isolation & help you to take those steps to get out and be around other ppl who’ve been through v similar situations..this forum can show you already that you’re not alone. Big hugs xx

[Lilypink]

Thanks for all your messages of support, encouragement and how to try and stay strong through these testing times. I need the reminders of why I left in the first place..it’s so easy to get caught up in the emotions of what comes afterwards, you forget what forced you to move to a safer environment.

I’m due to attend a women’s support group soon, so I hope that will help with the healing process process and realising that it was never going to get better and that I’ve made the right choice for my daughter, whatever I’ve forfeited in terms of leaving this relationship, I’m trying to remember that the gains will be bigger for me in the long run. Baby steps though, as you’ve rightly said.

Starla…I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through something similar & hope you’re gathering strength day to day, to get through this difficult time. Bug hugs xx

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