LittleBritishPhoenix

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Thank you both.

It’s still not fully hit me, but Confused you’re absolutely right!

Sending hugs to you all cxx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Thank you both so much.
I keep weeping on and off.
Absolutely floored.

Xxx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Hi Confused, thank you and I hope you are well xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Hi Shine Bright 🙂

That’s one of the reasons I love this forum – it’s always here when we pop back, whenever we need.

I hope you’re doing alright <3

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

KIP – you’re amazing! <3

I have done similar things to you (though not the same) and it’s so fulfilling isn’t it. Helping to bring about changes so that other women are better supported.
At some point I would hope to be in a position to use my experiences of the crown court system, and of sexual abuse and violence, to bring about change.

“Be the change you want to see in the world” <3

Best wishes – LBP. xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Ayanna – so sorry to come back and read this 🙁

Please let us know how you are following your last post?

Thinking of you xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Sorry – I’ve been away from the site a while!

It’s staggering seeing how many of you suffer the same problems!

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Youve had brilliant responses already, but just wanted to note that I found my ISVA lovely, she was very professional and very supportive.
I couldn’t say the word rape for a really long time. Even now sometimes it sticks in my throat.

My isva explained everything to me every step of the way, she simplified the terms the police and cps used to make sure I understood everything, she arranged to show me around the court to familiarise myself with the building ahead of the trial, and she was with me throughout the trial aswell. I couldn’t have gotten through it without her.

Those feelings of shame you’re having are perfectly normal for what’s happened but it is not your shame! He is the one who should be ashamed of what he did.

If it helps you talk about it, could you try ringing the helpline? Or rapecrisis on 0808 802 9999 (open again tomorrow, and everyday, at 12noon-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm)
(Hope that’s okay to post x)

Sometimes it can be easier saying it on the phone as opposed to face to face?

Wishing you all the best – you’re so strong. Love and light, LBP xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Well done kip 💐

And well done for highlighting it, I’ve also registered anonymously (got the form from my local council office and had to send a copy of the injunction as supporting evidence) it’s comforting to know that I can vote, but my need for privacy and protection isn’t compromised.

🌺

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I do think we all need to be careful when getting into discussions online about feminist issues, especially DV. There are alot of people who wrongly believe falsified stats and intentionally bring them up to silence women speaking about gendered violence. And sometimes having those attitudes and comments thrown at us can really hinder our own recoveries <3

I’ve engaged in many discussions with people about male victims of DVA but you can usually bet if someone brings up the “men suffer abuse too”, there interest isn’t usually for the suffering of male victims, they’re using it as a means to silence women talking about abuse suffered by women. And very often their arguments are totally flawed aswell, they seem to just demand x y z for men because women have x y z and not take into account that male victims of female perpetrated dv might not need y and male victims of same-sex violence might not need x. If you see what I mean.

I’m glad you’ve blocked the person, I know it’s hard but try not to let it get to you too much. You’re still healing. Be kind to yourself lovely xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Thank you Cuppa – sorry for the late reply!

I keep going over it in my head, I keep seeing him everytime I close my eyes. Keep having dreams about him and very much reliving everything that’s happened between us – good and bad. I don’t know what’s worse really, the good or the bad!!

Found myself second guessing and wondering if he really has changed. Seeing him with his wife and child really shook me I think. But the police have told me she appears pliable, placid, I’ve heard from friends of his family that she very much does as she is told by him and never stands up to him – that he doesn’t need to try so hard with her. Not like he did with me.
Seeing her reminded me of a time when I was her. Going to the shops, walking ahead of him, times that appear totally normal and not in the least controlling to an outsider. And that’s what I saw wasn’t it. I mean, even if she did want to leave where would she have gone. I remember that so well, going into the shops with him and having a flash thought about running away but then being too scared because I knew I had nowhere else to go, I’d have to go home with him. To him. There was never any other option.

I think that’s what I saw isn’t it?

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I have touched on it very briefly with my LO. They asked why they don’t have a Daddy when everyone at school does, and so I said that their Daddy isn’t a very nice man and so we don’t see him, LO asked if that meant Daddy doesn’t use his kind-hands, which I confirmed. My LO is still young, but as they get older and begin to ask more question I will explain further – of course age appropriately. I just feel they have a right to know, not only so that they can try to understand why we may react in a certain way or why we feel a certain way, but I strongly believe that if they’re aware of what their father/step-father is like then it can help to protect them in the future if they have to have contact or choose to have contact?

In what way were you accused of protecting him as opposed to the children?

I hope it hasn’t upset you too much lovely <3

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Was rainy here too, you can’t beat ice cream on a rainy night!

I’m on mirtazapine for ptsd so at least I slept. i feel a bit funny today, you’re absolutely right about the overthinking thing. It helps to know how other people (you) would react and feel in the same situation xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

It was strange as it was off the back of a nice couple of days back in my hometown for a special occasion. We stopped at a midway supermarket on the way home and there he was.

So I’d had a really, really lovely time. And then I run into him. Tonight I’m enjoying the safety and sanctuary of my own home with all my creature comforts (and ice-cream) and trying my best not to overthink seeing him. I’m still so unsure how I feel?

Thank you both for your replies <3

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Oh Butterfly, I second everything that Confused said <3

I’ve just started therapy with someone who specialises in serious crimes, and I’m starting to talk about what my ex did to me. Like you, I’ve never gone into the rapes. Only twice – once with the police and once when (detail removed by Moderator), and so now I’m trying to talk to the therapist about it all. It is tough. Especially to actually say what happened.
Could you request to see a different therapist? Would that help?
xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I think for a while it’s normal to dream about him, my therapist once told me that it’s your brains way of processing things whilst you’re asleep. I’m not sure if that constitutes as ptsd as it’s much more than memories or dreams. Have you seen your gp? They are the best person to speak to about it <3

Would it help you to get a notebook and write the dream down when you wake up? That way it gets it out of your head? xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Oh Knots, am sending you a big hug and lots of strength.
I haven’t much advice as such but have you spoken to your gp about depression and anxiety? Both of which are very common among women who are or have been in abusive relationships and usually encompass things like not being able to take care of your personal hygeine, worrying excessively, self-sabotage of relationships and things around you.
I know you don’t feel it but you get up everyday and you carry on, despite everything feeling so bad, and that’s the strongest thing in the world Knots. xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Sending a big hug <3

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Thank you for your reply Serenity.

My motives for trying to get back in touch with them… I miss them. I had a bit of an emotional crisis when I moved to refuge where I suddenly didn’t trust anyone anymore, not even my own family (I think because I was so desperate to stay safe and hidden) and so I cut off people who actually did nothing really wrong.
A couple of those people I’ve gotten back in touch with and they understand why I did it, one of them I just simply lost touch with. They’ve welcomed me back with open arms.

One of the people I’ve tried to contact was my best friend. I actually met her through him. I’m godmother to her kids. I can’t remember why we stopped talking. But I miss her so much. I want to know how she’s doing – she was in her own abusive relationship and she fled before I did.

Of course there are other people – some who’ve tried contacting me – who I’d never allow back in my life because of things that have happened. So many people sided with him and said and did unforgiveable things and I’d never trust them again. Alot of them I knew before him. I can’t really remember who I was before him? I do know that I’m a different, and better, person now.

Everything you’ve written makes so much sense. I’ve never heard the phrase “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water” though – that’s given me a wee giggle! 🙂

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

In my experience – mine doesn’t. He had a child already when I met him, who he made all the right noises about, desperate to see the child, cried that he couldn’t see the child, started the process for child contact. He got that contact, he used it to continue abusing the mother. He would not bother going to contact, he’d sit there on his phone, at one point (when contact was no longer supervised) he was mentally and physically abusing the child.
He’s never even bothered with the child I have by him. He claims he did. I left when I was pregnant and so he bombarded with messages, and turned up at the hospital after I gave birth and kicked off, threatened to kill me. For ages he flat out denied that my child is his, but bought him up at criminal trial that I’ve made everything up to prevent him seeing “our” child. His only interest in my child is when it suits him, and when he thinks he can use the child to control the situation, or control me.
He has at least another 3 kids. Two of those were conceived whilst we were together so he denies their existence. He only sees one of his children and that’s because he’s still with the mother.

In my experience they love them as long as they can use them. Usually to keep up the facade that they’re such a loving, doting, caring man who loves his kids whilst painting us as evil, horrible, lying women who unjustly keep them from their kids.

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I think it’s worth noting that alot of the time it’s not about having sex, or their sexual desires, it’s intentional rape used as another means to control us. A demonstration that they have power and control over us.
Hugs to all . xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I’ve never heard this before but I love it <3

I try to remind myself that even two steps forward one step back is still one more step ahead of where I was! x

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I agree there’s no right or wrong answer, I think it depends on how you feel and how they seem.
I started seeing someone I used to be good friends with, and so told him everything, he turned out to be pretty abusive too and definitely used what I told him to his own advantage. I walked away from him in the end after he threw a particular thing in my face.
I do think aswell that paying close attention to any early warning signs and red flags, and making note of them, can help massively.
Educating ourselves on what abusers are like and what tactics they employ and preparing ourselves to walk away are so important, as is knowing ourselves. What we like, what we don’t like, our own boundaries and how to enforce our own personal boundaries. I feel it’s a massive part of healing. x

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Oh gosh KIP I’m so sorry 🙁
I have no words – just hugs <3
How are you feeling?

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Oh gosh love I know you don’t want to call the police but I really do think you ought to!
Or perhaps could you give the NCDV or the helpline a call and see what help they can offer you?

This sounds like a terrifying situation and has escalated really quickly, I don’t want to scare you but it is very worrying. xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I do feel weak though, I was at home when the detective called me (detail removed by Moderator). She made me promise someone was coming to be with me, she was worried I was going to try to take my life. Soon as my friend walked in I just collapsed. I’ve never cried so hard in my whole life as I did then. And it hurts thinking of myself like that? I don’t suppose that makes sense?
It makes it so much worse (detail removed by Moderator), the last time I opened up, I broke down, I showed people how it felt and told them what happened to me, and it was really all for nothing. They didn’t believe me. Or at least, they doubted me. Not feeling believed really does something to you inside, I know you all understand that. x

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Hi KIP, that’s exactly it. <hugs>

I’m hoping she can help rewrite my brain, I know I need help.

Woke up thinking about how bad (detail removed by Moderator)😥
I still can’t believe it. And I keep seeing myself in my mind, breaking down, collapsing on the floor when they told me. Breaks my own heart?
Xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Hi – thank you both 😘

It went well I think. Sort of an introductory session. We touched on why I don’t let myself cry, and that he used to get angry and ignore me if i cried so now I don’t allow myself to do it.
I know there’s a lot I don’t allow myself to feel because of him, and that my not allowing myself has sort of turned into an inability. I can’t feel. We will come back to that later.

She thinks I beat myself up an she is right.

Was okay for a first session… when it comes to the next one we will go more in depth with regards to the sexual abuse xx

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

Thank you both – I’m so nervous today. There’s so much and the counselor just needs the basics as it’s the first session.
There’s a huge part of me that just wants to run away and not go, not face up to everything. But that won’t do me or my mental health any good at all.
This would probably be easier if the trial hadn’t gone so badly 🙁

Wish me luck <3

[LittleBritishPhoenix]

I completely agree. Sorry to hear you’ve gotten bad news <3

[Author]

Posts