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    • #114766
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi beautifulday,

      There will be beautiful days coming up for you. Well done for the final hard step. Sad ly is not the end and we know it. But is the hard bit and i was told that the hardest bit even is to stick to ourselves and our decision. Remembering that moment of clarity in times of hesitation and doubt.
      Unfortunately, they are not going to make it easy, but because their nature is abusive they are going to make it as hard as possible for us and for our freedom. Because this is the very first time that they feel pain and this pain makes them want to do something to revenge and feel better again.

      I’m saying this from my personal experience. I have all of the feelings that you mentioned, but also a happy feeling a butterfly feeling that i have being to feel occasionally after I left my abuser a few weeks back. But because of how he is, abusive, aggressive and then confusingly manipulative, it is hard to feel the freedom fully without fearing that this happy feeling of freedom would end and things would go wrong. I feel my body is conditioned to feel his control over me all the time even when I’m far away from him l. He is still controlling my body and my mind, I’m still scared of how he is going to react and what is his next mind game or aggressive behaviour. This mainly harder because of the children that are involved. It is not going to be easy for a long time and even my be a life time. But I can for sure say it is worth it. Every minute that you feel free from their control and manipulation and abuse is worth it.
      I am only realizing the impact of how my life and myself have changed only living with an abusive person for only for a few years. I truly believe that psychological abuse is hardest to recover because is harder to disentangle and to realize what has happened and because it covers with confusions and guilt and because of the cycle or abuse l, because they have been extremely nice and charming at times, but you only know that was not genuine and was only after extreme abuse.

      I wish you get your strengths back in your way of recovery whilst you still have to go through the painful legal parts. Best

    • #114615
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi and thank you for this.
      I totally relate to this and I can say my self esteem and self confidence are all negative … because the way he treated me and they way I had to always watch myself to be as good as he would approve or please him .. and yes I became more irritable too and that’s because I have been so controlled and limited …

      Please take care of yourself.

    • #114523
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi and thank you for writing this posts and replies.
      I left with my the only cloths I had on and my baby without any of our belonging apart from our docs.
      I made a lovely home and garden and all my sentimental things and arts and crafts behind. I wanted our lives back and our freedom. It is really sad and I miss everything, apart from the abuse of course. But everything is replaceable and some are not but sanity, physical and mental health and freedom is surely not replaceable.

      I won’t worry to much but if I had a better chance I would have taken the most important things but I did not despite have palnned our exsit.

      All the best and enjoy your life hopefully after your free yourself from your abuser.

    • #114411
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi beautifulday,

      Firstly stay strong and well done for all the steps and planing.

      Secondly, I did what you did, shared my feelings and thoughts with him all honest and genuine and also confronted him only the weeks before I fled him. All he did all this time was denial, gaslighting, rationalisation and twisted my own words against me which the last one more than anything drives me mad. So no point to talk o him, plan and only trust your own self. You have done everything and tried every way. I agree the only way to protect us is the legal protection.

      All the best and you’re doing amazing. Is totally normal to feel how you feel after what he has done to you, but know that is not you it is really him, again I can say this but I easily dragged in his mind games myself even after leaving him.

      All the best,

    • #114409
      Lotus20
      Participant

      I felt you wrote on my behalf, exactly the last few weeks of my life with him when I already got to know the cycle of abuse. It is such a familiar feeling now and all the time that I felt it for over years. Its going to be so so difficult to unlearned what we have learned and uncondition what we have been conditioned, even after leaving the abused. Trust me, its not you, I can say this to you but I need to hear it myself from someone ales. It’s hard to believe otherwise is so so deep in our mind and brain and body that’s hard to relaise.

      All the best

    • #114408
      Lotus20
      Participant

      I just want to give you some support. Totally feel how you feel in away that you feel you’re going crazy and it’s your sensitivity or lack of ability to sacrifice more. I go through therapy all the time that I was dating and living with my abuser. Unfortunately the therapy was to focused on what I brig to the relationship rather than what makes me feel the way I felt. Hence I stayed in the abusive relationship with the help of my therapy just to be able to bare more abuse and to be a little more assertive and say what I feel to hum with no confrontation. And this did not go to my advantage only prolonged the abuse and I became a survivor and only long after I realised what a mistake is to focus on the past without looking into what’s happening right now.

      I hope you follow your gut feelings and is best to have your family and best friends in your side.

      Best wishes,

    • #114407
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hello,
      Just to also sympathise, I told my abuser about my past history of abuse and he turned it against me, I did it so so early on in the relationship and he ws surely charming at the time I opened up him. All the things that I regret and learned now from my mistakes.
      Well done for standing up and taking control of your life as early as you did.
      Best wishes

    • #113913
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi Quietgiraff,

      I just want to say that I exactly feel the same and I have not got a solution yet. All I know is that my brain and body are conditioned and I live in fear specially if I am in the same city or area as him. I only can say this is what abuse does with our body and mind and is going to take a lot of time and professional help to heal.
      It is going to be a process and not eassy but painful for most of it. But lest hope we come out stronger and wised.

      Be safe

    • #113911
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Thank you for the post and speaking from my heart. Can’t belive it so so real everything you said I feel. And yes he was and is entitled, I made a home and I left and he is there in my home.. I cant tell you what he claims now. But just to say yes I had to leave and I’m happy that i have levet. But I wish when I called the police they were of more help. I wished if I was stronger. But as you said I’m getting stronger the less I hear from him and I see him. But sadly I have children with him and I don’t know how to protect me and them from him in the future.:(
      Thank you.

    • #112797
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Thank you Jellyx and enjoy the peace and freedom from abusive behavior. X

    • #112796
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi Newyork,

      Thank you for your post, I am in the same position and you and it makes me sick thinking of having any contact with him and I know would not do any good to anyone but how to minimise the damage I am also not sure.

      I really hope some of the more experienced women here would share from their view.

      Thanks again

    • #112795
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi Diverdi,

      Well done to yourself too.
      I reallh feel this brain washing and addiction is the hardest to overcome.
      We need a rehabilitation where you can only be away from the abuse and slowly start seeing who you are and what had happened.

      Hope you’re doing well and all the best.

    • #112758
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi Eggshells

      Thank you for your encouraging words. I totally agree, is only those moments that I miss what I had made as a home. But those moments are not many, almost all the time I am grateful for being in peace with my baby and I am thankful for where we are away from his manipulation and abuse. Away from his conrol. It did affect us severely.
      Well done to you too for find your own feet again and your peace, enjoy. I am trying to find my feet again and really hoping that our peace last as long as possible as I know there will be child contact arrangement and I know he is going to use that to get back on me and he won’t care about the welfare of the child as he is so so selfish.

      Anyway, I feel I needed to get it out of my system.
      I hope you find your own place and make it as lovely as you want and you deserve.

    • #112757
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi Bandit,

      I’m sorry, it seems you have gone through a lot.
      I agree with the Beautiful day, well done for taking the initial step.
      It is as it said the troma bounding, I am now left after my body and my mind could not take the abuse anymore. And I have kept to question myself a lot. One problem is that when you crave going back you knly remember the good things, I don’t know why the brain does that, but when you have the flash backs of what bad has been done you know you’re doing the right thing. It is hard, very hard. People keep saying to keep a diary of everything. Even though I recently started I have not gone to read them back because I think I’m avoiding it to protect myself from getting hurt but the nice things he said or did comes to mind, specially our home that I made it a home.
      But just be persistence and you get through it. I keep saying is like addiction, when you want to stop you get withdrawal symptoms and then you persist and get through it and your mind and body become clear from the troma.

      Just post here and reads the posts here, it has been a great help for me.

      All the best and stay strong. I know we get weak a lot but there are moments that we feel the strengths, keep holding to those moments and finding them again and again would eventually become a constant strength.

    • #112703
      Lotus20
      Participant

      Hi Happydaysagain,

      Sorry that you feeling like that again.
      I totally know how it feels. Its how our brain is working, like addiction. I surely can understand what troma bounding is now. It works with our brain. All the hurts that pushes us away and we try to protect us and suddenly a little affections that sucks us in.
      Please block him and protect yourself. It is playing with our brain and the only way is to stay out of it just like drugs.
      I hope youre feeling better by now.

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