Lyng

[Lyng]

I read through these today with a heavy heart. My kids are straight out lying and twisting and manipulating. It is abuse to pull kids into this. No one listens. Still supposed to maintain access, even though he is turning them into mini versions of him. Hate is too mild a word. My heart is black and cold and crushed.

[Lyng]

Full disclosure. I am in (detail removed by Moderator) so your laws are different. However, if you have a legal court order he can’t change it without going to court. If you have no legal order in place, see a lawyer right away. Find out what avenues you have to ensure you can get an agreement in place that is legal, on paper, and police enforceable. In addition, get clauses that prevent parental alienation on both sides. If you can’t agree you have to Duke it out in court unfortunately. In meantime document everything he does and says. Preferably he puts it in text or email so you can save it. Document every time you asked for access and it is denied. The only thing these types respond to is authority.

[Lyng]

First off, you are human. Second, everyone’s experience is different in this regard. My own journey was understanding that I am a person with a high libido, and that made me a target for an abuser who could exploit that aspect of me. Just sex, if you are sure that’s what it is, and careful for disease and pregnancy, is not a bad thing for everyone. For me, it was a part of my healing. I used a series of just sex encounters to fully separate myself from my ex. I don’t regret it one bit. One of the men is still my friend, although sex is not a part of it as I have settled with the right person for me. We do not live together, and he helps me through, emotionally and sexually. The biggest danger is to clearly understand where your feelings are coming from and ensure that if you are craving a companion, seek that, and if it’s a few meaningless encounters to exorcise your demons, that may be OK too.

[Lyng]

My experience is quite a lot different from yours. But in the end, it’s all about power and control. Yours found what scared you and used it against you. Mine discovered I am a very sexual person, and hence, used cycles of sex and depriving me of sex to keep me in line. He also manipulated it into looking like I was rejecting him when he would make it impossible, asking for sex at 2 am when I had to work at 5 am, then saying I was “not putting out” even though for years we never went more than three days without it. They find your weakness, prey on it, and batter you with it again and again. If it’s human companionship you crave, take up with an understanding woman who can awaken love in you again. It can be sexual, or not, but it needs to be a loving, understanding relationship to get you through this.

[Lyng]

My heart goes out to you. Yesterday I saw some people who finally might help. I am struggling so badly with my kids, my family is fed up and thinks I should let them live with him. A part of me wants that. But I love my kids and I don’t want that for them. Police, counselors, doctors, many of them got it wrong over the years. Immediate danger is not always a knife or a gun. I get it. I feel your pain.

[Lyng]

I love my kids so much. I blame myself for staying. It’s why they act the way they do. But mostly I blame a system that feels no matter what a partner does, they have have a right to have their kids as long as the kids aren’t being beaten. Thank you. I feel lost and afraid.

[Lyng]

All these stories are so moving. All of us experienced that scattering of people from one end of the house to the other. Living together but totally miserable and lonely. Life with my kids is not easy at the moment, but at least they are PRESENT. Thank you for reminding me just how different that feeling is.

[Lyng]

My heart is breaking for you at the same time as I feel this “Thank God I am not crazy and not alone” feeling. My kids are a few years apart. Both have been manipulated into believing his version of the truth, and he disparages me at every turn. They are both verbally and physically abusive to me and I have them enrolled in counseling. We are on a wait list. I recently started recording what they do to defend myself. My family is having a hard time and thinks I should just let them go live with him.

[Lyng]

I know it’s hard. But try not to feel guilty. You did what you had to do. You can’t be a bad partner to a man who never treated you like a partner in the first place. I did things I would not have dreamed of doing with an equal partner who wasn’t lying, cheating, and abusive. His vows to me were a lie. Therefore, whatever I had to do to get out of those vows was okay.

[Lyng]

We all felt that way, and feel that way every time we let the abuser get under our skin, through a text, an email, a rumor, or a voice mail … it isn’t easy. I took many kicks at the can and even lived in the same house separated from him which was absolutely awful. Well meaning friends think it’ll be a piece of cake. You’ll get custody, etc ., but when you have kids it’s complicated as hell. Even without kids there’s job, friends, mortgages, taxes… your life seems impossibly tangled up in him. My advice would be go to a women’s shelter and get all the supports and legal advice in place. If you are in immediate physical danger of course you need to take that into account and save yourself and your kids. But you’ll feel stronger if it’s planned. Hugs.

[Lyng]

Yes. Unfortunately this is what it’s like. And those close to the abuser who are in his Web will take any sympathy or empathy they seemed to have at the time and use it against you. My ex’s mom confided that he screamed at her and broke and stole things. Even that he stole his younger siblings’ paper money. Now she is fully on his side and says she never said those things. How could I have dreamed that up? She took things I said to her and twisted them and said them to my kids. My kids say I abused their dad and they remember it. When I say that I never did the kind of things he did or used the kinds of words he used, their eyes flicker for a minute and they defend him. They laugh at me in sarcastic disbelief when I give them truthful answers to their questions. It is very hard. But not as hard as living with him was. I read a lot on (detail removed by moderator) abuse and gaslighting. That’s what this twisting is. My kids are too young for me to explain it all. I try my best not to dwell on it. There will be no joy in that “I told you” moment that’s bound to come.

[Lyng]

The worst silent period lasted months. A trial in home separation that turned out to be one of the worst mistakes in a series of bad moves. The kids ate with him, and she ate and slept in her room. Work was solace. Her cat wasn’t allowed downstairs when he was in the house. She spent hours on the computer. Writing, dreaming, connecting with others via various Internet forums. The silence would be broken only by random bouts of anger and accusation. The more she sought to change her life by running, exercising, losing weight — the worse it got. He took to “supervising” her fitness classes. She took to posting her whereabouts so people could publicly see where she was to avoid his smear campaign of lies and accusations. Smiling pics of her at work or a conference. Whether she was with a man or a woman she must be cheating … that’s why it was so easy to “step out” the second they were separated. Why not? She’d already been doing it for years anyway according to him. Only much later did she run across pics of not just one, but four, adult women, all taken at the height of his obsession with her finding someone else. He used to proudly declare he’d never cheated. The half naked selfies of multiple women said otherwise … was there any part of their relationship that wasn’t a lie? Nope. And that’s what hurt the worst in those lonely nights in her room, a pillow over her head, trying to drown own his yelling at the TV or the game console…

[Lyng]

I don’t know how it went for others, but the month before it was over for good really was the worst. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of panic. I plotted my final escape for nearly two years. I kept thinking if something changed I could always back out. It won’t be easy and the separation is the most dangerous and volatile time. As stated in other posts, use all the resources you can to help you make that final break.

[Lyng]

Absolutely bang on. Not only do they target us, but in the courtship phase they find out exactly our vulnerabilities and use it against us. Mine has worked systematically at altering my children’s memories so their entire childhood is distorted. I am emotionally wrung out. My parents and family are tired of the way my kids treat me, which causes exactly what my ex wants. Me separated from my family. I didn’t choose to live with a lying thieving cruel man. He chose me to do those things to.

[Lyng]

You will know when you are ready. Everyone has their process. It takes time though, and a certain understanding of your own needs. I do not live with my boyfriend. I am not ready for that and neither are my kids. But it’s nice to be with someone who never yells or insults me. He is kind, and patient, and when we disagree we talk it out. The simple things become monumental when you’ve lived with abuse. You will know the right person when he or she comes along.

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