Malaya

[Malaya]

Oh I’m so happy for you, you have just taken the first step in rebuilding yourself.

I’m not going to lie, there are going to be some difficult times ahead, but go no contact and surround yourself with support. There will be days when you spend a day crying in pyjamas eating ice cream from the tub then there will be days when you feel like a warrior who will not be defeated

Don’t beat yourself up over your decision, that little voice of doubt that occasionally whispers in your ear is his brainwashing and programming. Be kind to yourself, you deserve to be happy, to be free. Think about what you want to do with your life and take moment by moment to heal yourself

All the best you brave lady xx

[Malaya]

I’m not as far in as you are but I’m finding it really helpful

One thing I will say to you is that sometimes we have to re visit the pain in order to work through it and come out the other side. You are going over some awful memories and remembering the pain. I think you should mention it to the programme leader, she might be able to give you some more specific advice.

Maybe timing is an issue, I know it took a little while for me to get on the course so it wasn’t immediate when I was in the worst part of the abuse. The group leader will know more about that xx

[Malaya]

Yeah it sounds like you’ve made the right choice. The stronger you get on your own, the more you will put out a healthier vibe that will attract the right kind of guy xx

[Malaya]

Some are better than others. The new coercive control laws have helped a fair bit and many police officers are itching to arrest these guys.

Good luck with reporting it, be strong and go through with it xx

[Malaya]

Oh my word, my ex told me that the police told him they thought I was wasting their time and He could have me done for harassment. I phoned the police in tears, spoke to the interviewing officer and he assured me there was no truth in it whatsoever and that he had been warned to stop his behaviour

It’s all lies and threats and intimidation. Don’t believe a word of it. Don’t wait for a particular officer, just call them and make that report. I retracted my statement when I had the opportunity to have him done. I was told if I’d gone through with it, he’d be doing a prison sentence right now

[Malaya]

So proud of you! Not only have you totally stuck two fingers up at him and with dignity I might add, you didn’t go and grovel to the woman to hear your side of the story. You acted with class, and one day she’ll see the truth and feel like a right b***h for treating you like that

Getting away from our abusers is only a part of rebuilding ourselves. We have to clear our life of anyone who undermines us, belittles us or makes us feel bad. No one dragging you down or holding you back. A real friend would have maybe found it hard to get their head round but believed you all the same

The best revenge is to move on and be happy xx

[Malaya]

Hi FS. How are you doing?

I hate the thought of you in that house with your phone and alarms like that. I don’t think that’s right about the bills you know. If you left, you just contact the suppliers with the date you went and meter readings as a bonus, and it’s done.

I’m sure the courts could see through his stalling in regards to selling the house. Can you call the women’s aid helpline and ask if they can recommend a solicitor with experience of domestic abuse in your area? I think you need someone who understands abusers and their tactics

I pray you are safe physically and mentally. Lots of love x

[Malaya]

Oh honey, he’s so textbook it’s sickening. He has turned all of this on to you. It’s your fault, I do it because you provoke me etc etc

I tried that talk all through my crappy marriage. You may as well just bang your head against the wall. He doesn’t care how his behaviour affects you, or in fact he does care, it’s his aim to make you feel that way.

He has just emotionally manipulated you all through your heartfelt effort to talk to him. My ex said the same things word for word! It was hard for you to finalise the end of your relationship because he made it so. He’s brainwashed you into thinking you can’t or shouldn’t or wouldn’t survive without him

Don’t give him that power over you, wait until he’s out and just go. No talking, no explaining, just get the heck outa there xx

[Malaya]

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I would think that he has just shown professionals a very important insight into how he will do anything for attention. I’m guessing it was a rather feeble attempt and they will see right through that. Also his reaction afterwards will be screaming to them. A truly depressed person will feel total shame and guilt over how it’s affecting their children etc.

Your children’s reactions says it all hun. Kids aren’t daft, they can be more perceptive than the adults sometimes.

I feel for you, the drama and the ” me me me” rubbish is a bitter pill to swallow

[Malaya]

Pp thank you, it really does give me hope. It shows how much the tiniest bit of contact can affect us. I am in awe of the progress you have made, you are such a strong lady

Cuppa I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. I know exactly what you been about being a warrior all the time, sometimes we actually need to have a good cry and need someone to tell us it’s going to be alright.

We lose the abuser but the effects of the abuse linger a lot longer, I really thought once he had gone I’d be fine. I never realised or imagined that I’d be feeling all this anxiety, nightmares, nausea etc. I keep hoping once court is done I might feel better. It’s like I’m waiting for the final thing to happen and put an end to it all

[Malaya]

I really feel for you, sometimes it feels like the people who work come off worse as you have to pay for everything.

What was their reaction when the police spoke to them and after they’d gone? Do you think it helped them see you are prepared to protect yourself ?

Surely being vulnerable wouldn’t be a reason to remove your counselling. Or is it couple / family counselling. I know you can’t have mediation if there are abuse issues

Thinking of you x

[Malaya]

Ah that’s great to hear. How are you finding it? My lady is lovely, when I’m with her I feel so strong.

Obviously we can’t go into detail too much about our lives, location, interests etc. But is there any aspect of your life you can think of that could bring you into contact with other people? Dog walking, mum n child group, church, art class, library, exercise class or group. That sort of thing, you may or may not feel ready right now, it could be something to work toward. There are even places you can go and do this adult colouring in that seems to be all the rage right now.

I think loneliness and isolation are a big part of depression and I’m trying to fight my avoidance to leave the house. I don’t always manage it but I’m getting out more than I ever did when he was here

[Malaya]

Fantastic posts and thank you!!

I need to hear that it is possible to get through the trauma and start to enjoy living life. i see little glimpses of it, like how well I get on with my family now and how much more I laugh when I’m with my girl friends, not constantly worrying about getting back to him etc

You are an inspiration and as you say living proof that it can be done. Even when you describe your wobble, it doesn’t sound as though it dragged you right down and triggered loads of stuff. It sounds like you’ve come so far it only made you wobble and not fall down

So pleased for you xx

[Malaya]

I think calling the police is a double edged sword, I absolutely think it is the right thing to do but I realise it can anger the abuser

You should not have that kind of abuse and threatening behaviour in your own home, it’s absolutely unacceptable so yeah keep calling the police. You might want to think about calling the helpline and see if they have any space at a refuge or maybe you have someone who you’s could stay with if it looks like your safety is in question.

I certainly would advise you to make sure you have your mobile phone on you at all times so you can call the police if you need to and have a room you could lock yourself in, in an emergency situation. If you don’t have a lock you can do what I did and use a piece of furniture in front of the door in my bedroom.

I hope you’re okay, it shakes you up the first time you call the police doesn’t it? keep posting xx

[Malaya]

Wow that’s great, (removed by moderator). Doing something for you and just you is a big move forward. You are doing really well xx

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