Forum Replies Created

Viewing 14 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #73994
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Thank you all. I have spoken with my sons school and they are going to put through a TAMS referral. Hopefully this will be a positive step forward.

      I think I am going to have to give my current relationship some serious thought. I am worried that the trust may have gone. I’ve caught him out on a few ‘little’ lies, and it is now making me doubt him. I am finding myself questioning him, and asking leading questions to try to determine whether he is telling me the truth. I know if I continue I’ll push him away, but can’t seem to help myself at the moment.
      Not sure whether being in an abusive relationship in the past has made me less tolerant to things, but I’m finding it a bit hard at the moment.

    • #73594
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Hi

      Thank you diymum for your reply. It is comforting to know I am not the only one going through this. Did you have to seek relationship counselling privately or were you referred by someone. Also, you said Womensaid can help. Would I need to ring them to get some help/guidance?

      Many thanks xx

    • #9215
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Hi Elli. Ditto to everything written above. Non physical abuse is a very difficult thing to accept. It is very easy to convince ourselves that it isn’t abuse. That it is our husbands knowing better etc. It is abuse and it is very destructive. Our husbands chip away at our self esteem and confidence to the point that we believe everything they say and don’t trust our gut feelings anymore. We are led to believe we can’t survive without us and the subtle threats they throw our way keep us stuck in a destructive marriage. Keep posting on here and speak to the helpline x

    • #9214
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Hi Serenity. Really sorry to hear about the problems with your sister. I totally appreciate how you must be feeling. My youngest sister seem to be in her element when things are going badly for me. It has got to the stage where I don’t speak to her about anything that matters, or tell her how I’m feeling, just so that she can’t use it against me. It saddens me because I should be able to tell her anything and she should want to support me but I have to accept that for now she isn’t going to be that person. Rise above her and believe in yourself and your skills as a mother. You know your son better than anyone x

    • #9213
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Thank you again ladies for your supportive messages. I am going to try ring the helpline for some advise. I think part of my problem is the fact that because I have lived with his behaviour for so long, I have become de-sensitised to it. Things that would frighten, upset or shock someone who hasn’t lived with abuse, don’t have the same effect on me. Confused123 is so right. The kick on the leg didn’t seem a big deal to me. Or the fact that he was in my face shouting and really being quite threatening. It has become the norm. A bit of distance is allowing me to see his manipulative behaviour more clearly and his little games are becoming more obvious.
      I don’t think he is really too bothered about the children. Part of me thinks that he is just using them as a means to keep the contact going with me. I wont be at all suprised that when he finally realises that we are over, he will cut contact with us altogether x

    • #9128
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Great to hear from your Serenity and that life is looking rosy. Thank you for all your support xx

    • #9127
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      It’s all about control and fear. That is what they get a kick out of. I’m starting to realise that those 3 little words are simply used to keep us hoping. It is so hard to comprehend that someone we love is raping us but if we don’t want it, that is what it is. We are conditioned to conform and accept it x

    • #9125
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Our children go through a lot living in an abusive household, perhaps more than we realise. My son is certainly struggling to make sense of everything. He has been given mixed messages about what is right and wrong, and mixed messages in how you treat the people you love. I have started to read a book by the great Lundy Bancroft called ‘When Dad hurts Mom’ As you’d expect it is a really great book and it looks like it will offer some real insight into what are children are feeling and how we can help them cope and heal. You are doing a great job and keep setting those boundaries xx

    • #9070
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      It is early days I know, but I am still in the mind set of ‘it must be my fault’ somehow. Deep down I know it isn’t but he is a master of making me feel bad. My stomach is doing flips this morning as he has messaged to ask where I was last night. He drove up my cul de sac and my car wasn’t there. He says he does it every night to make sure everything is ok. It has made me feel really uneasy. Will my life ever be my own? xx

    • #9008
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Thank you everyone for your supportive messages. I’ve had a bit of a rough morning. He spoke to our son (removed by moderator) and they arranged that he would take them to school (removed by moderator). It is the first time they have spoken since we left. I dropped them off at his (removed by moderator) and wish I hadn’t. He is furious at me. He has thrown my phone and car keys across the drive, he has said I am selfish for doing what I have done. He says that he deserves to be treated better than he is and feels used. He says that I have whored myself and have used him for money. The reality is, he has been left with 2 fairly expensive cars, a thriving business and our marital home. All I did was get him to pay for some school dinners for our son. He has kicked me on the back of the legs and said I deserved it for what I have done. All this in the space of 15 minutes. Part of me is shocked, the other isn’t. I just can’t believe that when he hasn’t seen his children for nearly a week, they would have been his priority. I’m at work now, trying my best to not let him get to me x

    • #8491
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Good for you! Don’t let him win. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told I am mad/crazy etc. Keep fighting on xx

    • #8490
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Hi Moon

      I’m not sure if you are getting outreach support but if so, could someone accompany you to the funeral? I agree with everything that the ladies have put above. Your safety is the most important thing and do what ever you can to protect yourself. Take care and let us know how thins go xx

    • #8489
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Thank you newlife2015. I am trying to get as much in place as possible to give him less excuse to try and contact me. I honestly don’t know what scares me the most at the moment. I feel like I am living someone else’s life. I am trying not to think about what I’m doing. If I do, I either burst into tears or start to feel really anxious. Why do I feel like I am doing something bad and why do I feel sorry for him? He has put us all through so much, and robbed me of so much. But why do I feel like I am the bad person? x

    • #8344
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Hi White Rose. Thank you for your message. I am quite good at sorting the ‘practical’ things in my life. You give me list of tasks and I’m on it. But, I really struggle with the emotional side of things. How to deal with my reactions, his reactions, my children’s reactions, what will his family say?, will I offend anyone? etc. That little voice in my head starts working overtime. I can nearly convince myself that it will be easier to stay and be unhappy. Risk losing family and friends, rather than having to face the aftermath of my departure x

    • #8343
      Marthamoo
      Participant

      Hi I took anti depressants for about 6 months and they did do their job. I think my problem was more anxiety than depression but, like you, I couldn’t stop crying and would burst into tears at any given moment. The anti depressants did stop this and did give me a much more positive outlook on life. The only downside for me was that they left me a bit emotionally ‘numb’. They gave me clarity but my range of emotions seems dulled somehow.

      I am not a big tablet taker. I am the sort of person who will suffer a headache rather that take a tablet. So taking the anti depressants was a big deal for me. There are more people on these type of tablets that you would ever realise. If you get prescribed the right one for you, they wont change you as a person or change how you think. They will just lift the fog a little and calm your mind. It enabled me to make the decisions I needed to make without being crippled by my emotions xx

Viewing 14 reply threads

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

EXIT SITE

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content