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    • #84639
      NewWings
      Participant

      Like the idea of skipping through the daisies, but you’re right it’s a really horrible way to get attention. I re read your post and realised she used a picture with your daughter it’s what I thought I read and the more I thought about it the more it reminded me of the behaviour I’ve put up with for years. Can I say they wouldn’t even engage if we did the same. My sister tried to tell me it was coincidence that she turned up on holiday in the same part of the world that I was staying. It was my ex who put her up to it but she volunteered. I am so glad I went no contact.

    • #84617
      NewWings
      Participant

      I think once you under stand the power of manipulation and the fundamental crashing of boundaries that are necessary for effective coercion to work, you cannot stand it. You saw abuse it’s hard but what you saw hurt you and angered you naturally. When my husband lured my sons away I crumbled, all my divorce paperwork had been lost and my favourite uncle died. It was a perfect storm. I was bereft and then my sister decided to write to my doctors demanding to know my treatment. That I have to say was the final straw. She dismissed any of my boundaries and meddled in my life believing every lie of my no good husband. They would speak regularly on the phone and organise my life. She refused to listen to a word I had to say. What has this got to do with your friend? Their behaviour for one an unwillingness to listen a dismissal of any concerns. My sister has tried to get me to get in contact by sending me a picture of my son! I was so hurt. Another so called friend who had ignored any attempts by me to get in contact, when she heard I wasn’t well tried every trick in the book apps different phone numbers to get me to answer. I so low at that point I didn’t want to talk to anyone. When we eventually met up by chance it was all about her there were tears. I felt bad and said I was not fit then for company. Recently I bumped into her again and she told me she had bad news, all the indicators for cancer, i’d just been to the funeral of a very old friend who’d fought it for (detail removed by moderator). Turns out it’s (detail removed by moderator) so no cancer. My previous instinct was confirmed. This took longer to explain than I thought. You saw behaviour that you felt indicated abuse, you have put in place boundaries, standards of behaviour that you need to be respected. Neither my sister or my now acquaintance will be allowed any real attention. I have enough going on in my life without their drama. I think you did the right thing.

    • #84558
      NewWings
      Participant

      Hi Kip,got the t shirt too,after an accident where the Dr was assessing my reaction to the collision. My appearance was commented on, middle aged woman slightly overweight! What that had to do with the price of cheese I don’t know. More recently from a female Dr it was, well presented and appropriately dressed. If I’d arrived in a mini skirt and thigh high boots and lots of makeup what would the description been, obviously takes her fashion ideas from Pretty Woman. I just think we are as gender judged by our appearance in a way that men can’t even begin to understand. Its discrimination.

    • #84557
      NewWings
      Participant

      He does of course want a reaction, it’s food and drink to an abusive personality. They feed off our upset and emotions as it somehow makes them feel alive. My ex did this on a fairly regular basis and not just with me but our kids too. He is someone who requires a lot of attention from those around him. I am so sorry you are going through this but it,s not going to stop. It’s like WA say the first hit is never the last, as a point or line in the sand in terms of acceptable behaviour has been passed. To think something is one thing but to say it or act on it quite another. The devastation caused to the other person is mind blowing because it’s like another person is standing in front of you and in reality that is it. He has removed the mask and you see the real person and it’s not pretty. It sounds as though he maybe a covert narcissist but I suppose I shouldn’t make assumptions. He’s probably scared of the more confident woman you are and so hopes to keep you at home isolated. I’m sorry to tell you but they all do it. Mind games hiding keys,cards etc all to keep you where they can control you. So that even if you are alone at home you won’t leave the property. Grey rock is a method that my sister in law has employed her husband always came over as really nice but then he turned his rage on me and it was volcanic. Interestingly my ex wanted to get of our family car and I saw my world further closing in around me,that’s when I knew I had to get out. Good luck and I would definitely get in touch with women’s aid . You’re a brave woman deserving better.

    • #80085
      NewWings
      Participant

      Thanks Diymum, I know that only we on here truly understand. My son talks to me like he’s my peer and in a tone that reminds of my sister who sided with my abuser. Putting up boundaries meant that I have had to go complete no contact with her and my ex. Now it looks as though this the next thing that I am going to have to do with my child. However, he is an adult but extremely immature so like his father, they really do seem to indulge in arrested development expecting others to take care of them and clear up their messes. Big hugs New Wings

    • #80084
      NewWings
      Participant

      I’ve read all of these books and one by Hare on Psychopathic personality disorder. Hare said himself that they are head mashers and that they are so skilled they can even fool him and he’s studied them throughout the penal system in Canada. Those books are invaluable, but a word of warning, my ex kept getting into the house even though I told the kids not to let the keys out of their sight in fact I wouldn’t let them go to his house with them. He must have been in my bedroom as the next thing he’s telling everyone that in his opinion I was a psychopath. When he spoke to me it was horrific as he was so threatening and down right sinister. What do the books say whatever you do don’t tell a psychopath they’re a psychopath. They know the truth alright, but seeing it in print is another story. Why because there is no self reflection, if you tell them what they’ve done they PRETEND they don’t remember and on you go telling them exactly what happened and they don’t care(I think at this stage they’re laughing up their sleeves”. They know EXACTLY what they’ve done and they do it again and again and with multiple partners, because fear works and they mix up fear with respect and they’re generally so self righteous and entitled. Yes they know they’re bullies and they love the sense of power it gives them they wouldn’t dare try it on another bloke or let them know their dirty secret as most men would think this guy is a coward beating up women.

    • #80079
      NewWings
      Participant

      Hi once they have hit you, its the point of no return. He should have supported you re your boss so you had a bad day so what. There is no way someone who cares about you would say its your fault and that you’re mental. That is exactly the profile of an abuser. This will only go one way, he has now given you your ticket out. He will probably beg forgiveness when he sees that the other tactics have failed. Get gone, change the locks etc. I was never hit and in fact he claimed that I hit him on three separate occasions, this never happened of course. However, I do have a mental health issue that I put squarely down to him, he played with my mind so badly I could have succumbed but I didn’t. Keep strong he is not worth moment longer of your time.

    • #76955
      NewWings
      Participant

      Thanks for bringing attention to this. I truly belief that only those who have gone through this really understand. By the time I managed to find my voice I was (detail removed by moderator) years too late. He’d been trashing me to my family drop by poisonous little drop. My sister was unable to the resist the catnip of his description of my horrendous behaviour, we no longer speak. I have lost everything but have regained myself. He still tries to control, the latest trying to guilt me by asking me to (detail removed by moderator). He has obviously found parenting our grown children extraordinarily difficult. God help them they believe he will buy them a flat but I’m convinced that he will live with his gf. My family think he’s great and yet he’s badmouthing them in front our kids. What goes on behind people’s front doors is a mystery to most unless were invited in. But it does surprise me that people who you would think would understand what coercive and manipulative behaviour can do or even is seem surprised to hear that family can be duped. I see bullies in my line of work and they are usually the ones that go and say they are the victim to figures of authority. My ex even managed to manipulate someone at my place of work to lie about me. Despite saying that I had done certain things to them yet there was no one who would back them up despite a roomful of witnesses. So it was dropped. I know it was my ex because he alluded to it. Of course if I’d said anything he’d have pointed out that I have mental health issues. So there’s another reason women keep quiet. We have learnt that in a mans world it is very hard for a woman to be heard. And now women are told they have to surrender their phones in a rape cases. Sometimes my mind flips at the stupidity of certain organisations is it any wonder that there are still so many conspiracy theorists out there.

    • #75830
      NewWings
      Participant

      Yep these are the tactics of an abusive personality, ordinary people wouldn’t behave like that. Playing games is ok if both parties know the rules but if you don’t its abuse. My ex used to pick a fight to get of the house, or he would just shout in a loud voice I’m not eating that, and leave with the words Don’t ask me where I’m going because I won’t tell you. He did that one time and I didn’t react at all, he stormed off and 20 mins later returned obviously worried I might just lock him out completely. He looked a complete jackass. He would also go away for so called work weekends and be completely uncontactable.
      Then if I rang he would tell my sister and his brother that I rang him too many times. If I didn’t ring there was trouble too. Now that I have refused to have any contact with him whatsoever, my mental health has improved dramatically and his has got worse. Its all about control and manipulation, if someone contacts you fairly regularly and then doesn’t, its manipulation. I seem to remember something about rats and a lever giving a reward initially the rats got lots of treats and them suddenly the rewards stopped, did the rats stop pressing the lever no, because once in a blue moon they would press the lever and a treat would appear. We humans are the same we hope that we can return to the period before they took of their mask and revealed to us who they really are. No one would ever say to their mark I am a con artist and I’m going to take you for everything you have. They charm and seduce. I would say that I don’t think my ex ever did anything that was spontaneous in our relationship everything was micro managed and manipulated..We would go places and these people that he knew would just happen to be there, or they would turn up at our house on the off chance and then tell me that they thought I should give up working..who were they to tell me what to do? He would pass on stuff I was supposed to have said and then I would be left further isolated. He read everything I wrote, broke locks on boxes and filing cabinets to see how much I knew, stole my phone and then suggested I get another iphone because they share so much info between them. He got (detail removed by Moderator) to break into my (detail removed by Moderator) account and to call the police for me. Even after he left he had to know where I was. I went away for a few days so he got a friend of mine to ring me to find out where I was. How did I know it was him because she hadn’t bothered with me for ages years in fact, so I was frankly suspicious of her ringing me apropo of nothing. When I suggested a catch up she made a big song and dance about having a cold. I have bumped into her several times recently and she has been very sheepish.
      These creatures are resourceful and they do help each other where ever they can and usually money is at the heart of it, at least that has been my experience. My ex thinks I should just rollover and give him what he wants which everything I have and my families too. He described me as formidable recently why? because I am his foe, only I always was, I just didn’t know it. He knew there was money and that my father was old and in poor health, when he died and I didn’t get the inheritance he thought I would he was more angry than I was. That’s when things really began to change I was no longer as valuable an asset as I had been. Its interesting to me that his girlfriend has her own busisness, will inherit along with one other sibling a substansial estate form her father who is also old and in poor health. He did his homework there. I believe I was targeted and she has been too. There are way too many similarities and frankly I still don’t anything about his life before I met him, which I think is very odd. I knew nothing and yet was married to him for (detail removed by Moderator) years. If you stop contacting him see what happens, be unavailable.

    • #74133
      NewWings
      Participant

      I am so sorry to hear this if you can leave. Do you have children? This will not get better believe me, my ex forced himself on me after a car accident the same day. It was so awful I buried it deep probably to protect myself. I couldn’t stop him as the pain of the accident had begun to set in. He would regularly iniate sex whether I wanted to or not. I was so angry one time I deliberately went limp like a rag doll and gave no response he was livid and told me never to do that again. I found out he was on some pretty sick sex sites too, one in particular stuck out (detail removed by moderator) I was repelled and then it hit me, once I became obviously pregnant at about 3 mths he wouldn’t have sex. Why because he hates fat women he used to poke fun at me when I put on weight. So please leave the abuse will never stop once it’s started and can escalate I believe my ex has tried to kill me more than twice.

    • #71604
      NewWings
      Participant

      Hi Serenity, Just wanted to say thank you for the advice you gave me in the past. They can’t let go and because of this I don’t think they can believe that we want nothing more to do with them. They’re emotionally retarded and everything is about them. When I read about your sis I thought immediately of mine who has thought all along that it is her god given right to interfere in my marriage. Her sense of entitlement knows no bounds and since I have cut her out of my life shes well miffed. This was the woman who followed me on holiday (detail removed by moderator) to almost the exact spot? Why because my nutjob of an ex told her I was going to abscond I imagine. Even now she fishes for any info she can pass on. My last conversation she alluded to my pension and the financial settlement, why because she doesn’t have one and knows that I will probably lose a lot. She even asked how I afforded the holiday, like it was her business. How can your family delight in your suffering? The drain emotionally on you Serenity must be hard to bear especially when your mother expects you to mother her, to cater to her depression. Hmm she sounds like a closet (removed by moderator) to me. The more I read about these people I realise that they do indeed gravitate to each other. My ex has a friend whose wife said he was physically abusive. My ex at the time kept asking me what I thought. I didn’t think he was but I do remember thinking later there was something very off about him. At one point he kept coming on breaks with us and I found my stomach feeling weird. His first wife divorced him very quickly and didn’t take much financially and has never remarried. His second wife has pots of money and her solicitor commented at a party you’ve landed on your feet. Interestingly my ex has hooked up with a girl whose father is very wealthy and she and her sister are his sole heirs he is elderly as was my father. I wonder, my father had money but it was settled on my brother much to his annoyance. These creatures care about one thing and one thing only their own comfort sexually, financially etc etc. They are parasitical in every way and so cutting off their supply leaves them almost in a blind panic. Once they’ve sourced another sucker they can then turn to making sure their ex is well and truly punished. My mother claims she has no money to speak of and must live frugally, this is nonsense as she made sure she got a huge settlement in the will. As the eldest child I did all the work in the house. She would return from town with the last 20mins of food preparation to be done, while I set the table and she didn’t even say thank you. All of us were packed off to boarding school as soon as possible. At nine I was told to do my own washing of clothes as she wasn’t going to. My sister got off scot free as I was doing enough to satisfy my mother. I would never have had my eyes opened had it not been for him. I do as little with my family as possible. They have always thought very little of me because of my mothers attitude to me, its liberating in some ways as I have brought so much shame to the family with having bipolar and divorcing my lovely caring sharing ex lol, that they want nothing to do with me either, other than to compare their wonderful lives. So Serenity you are free perhaps a bit scarred a bit jaded with your birth family, but ultimately a better human being knowing you did your best and that you were worth more than that. Thinking of you.

    • #71250
      NewWings
      Participant

      You have completely summed up how I feel. I don’t think my abusive ex will ever give up. He is constantly finding out ways to further ingratiate himself with my family doing odd jobs etc and bad mouthing me to get sympathy. Over Christmas the story I was being told was that he was going with our children to my brothers for Christmas Day. Then three days before my brother asks what I’m doing… what? I tell him I’ve already made plans and he said he thought I was coming over to his. Well I have always worked on the assumption you have to be invited first. So I brought over the presents and then went on holiday. My ex brought our adult children to his g/friends for Christmas day and said he thought it was disgusting that I wasn’t there for them. It was him who had made them believe they were going to their Uncles. So it was a setup so that I’d be left alone on Christmas Day. I have bipolar disorder and have managed to work all my adult life. However, he has used this to cover his tracks, he literally has his own gold plated get out of jail card. During my last episode, after which he said I had accused all the males in my family of rape, I found myself further isolated. I know that I didn’t say these things, but he has used my eldest child who is now an adult to say that I did. He tried to come back to social services after an initial meeting to say that I had threatened suicide and the life of my child. Thankfully they saw through this telling him he should have brought this up at the previous meeting and dismissed it. Why did he do this because he wanted to have residency of the family home, after years away and have me committed permanently? So he took the children with him.
      WomensAid have been amazing over the years as I keep having to come back as I no longer have any familial support, my Aunt has been a rock ,but there is only so much you can do. Just when I think he won’t sink any lower he does. He has told the courts that I have assaulted him that I spent uncontrollably so I was in debt and that I was delusional when I accused him of infidelity. Three blue tablets say otherwise. So here I am literally on my own, I see my children very rarely… parental alienation and I think I saw my mother 3 times last year. I no longer speak to my sister as she has been my exes confidant for years. I no longer want my brother coming round on some kind of duty call as again he passes information on to his wife who you’ve guessed it passes it on to my ex. People say there is no such thing as evil , but that has not been my experience. He scared the living daylights out of me by coming around to the house they day I returned from hospital and knocking on the door in a way that he never did and I swear using a completely different voice. I have been hospitalised because of him and nearly lost my leg. I know now that none of this was my fault. These guys are however, silver tongued and charm all around them who, let them tell heir tale. My resolution get everything tied up and then I’m off, where to I don’t know yet but, somewhere as far away from my birth family and that sorry excuse for a human being.

    • #67785
      NewWings
      Participant

      Thanks for your reply my ex too is a good 4ins taller than me. I have always been suspicious of people who try to tell me nasty stories about others there is generally an agenda. I realise now my sister always had her own agenda to make herself the most important sibling,she has had little good to say about myself or my brother. Or the people she worked with they were always the nasty ones. She and my ex are well matched and very covert. How else could he have charmed me. And as you so rightly say when you pick them up on a nasty remark you’re told you’re too sensitive. I must say at times I’ve retaliated but hated myself afterwards. My sister and mother even went round to see my only ally no doubt to enlighten them. Luckily they weren’t well and wasn’t up for a visit. The irony is my mother is jealous of this relationship and yet has made it plain to me she supports my ex. Yep people are far too quick to believe the lies of others but then maybe it suits them too? Lazy thinking perhaps but I don’t think so. Bullies are all the same,in my line of work I see how they operate and they always get their story in first but it always deviates. We’re strong we’ve had to be, as I’ve said before Warriors aswell as survivors.:-)

    • #66794
      NewWings
      Participant

      Hi Freedom, It sounds as though you are ruminating a lot about your situation and feeling trapped. You mention you are a single mum, is there anyway you could get out for a walk? I have bipolar diagnosed when I was older. My ex used this as another stick to beat me with. I think my Dr realises that I have been living with a huge amount of trauma which can trigger ptsd and bipolar. You are right to fight against labels as they can lead people to assume you are less than capable. Isolation is the thing with perpetrators they know instinctively that if it goes on long enough we will do it to ourselves. Have you ever sat down and written down all your strengths triumphs etc. You completed college something to be very proud of, you are a single mum doing the work of two parents. I can only go on my experience but I decided to not give a dam what others thought of me,especially those that support my abusive ex and that’s a large chunk of my family. How people’s perceptions of an individual can be warped by smearing of their character. My advice is hold your head up did you do any of this to yourself? You were bullied by someone severely enough that it has caused ptsd. You were left with anxiety is it any wonder, the one you loved turned out to be a monster. People who truely love you have your back forever. All of us need love but we were duped by wolves in sheeps clothing. My ex played a blinder lied through his teeth and did everything in his power to keep me in my place. He even got neighbours to report back to him. Practise some self love a relaxing bath a book (books have been really beneficial for me a few chapters and I’m off to sleep straight away)Now I always have a book by my bed. You are smarter and braver than you think. Sadly not every woman gets away and as is born out by my ex and his brother their temper does not get any better. Although my ex has now got my sons,lovely new girlfriend all he does is moan and say his life is ruined and that I did it. They never ever self reflect ever. We aren’t just survivors we are warrior women. Hope this helps.

    • #66738
      NewWings
      Participant

      Hi I want me back and DIY, can’t agree more with your obs and advice. Funny thing is he is calling me a (detail removed by moderator). No doubt he looked at my reading when he moved back in whilst I was in hospital. He’s not afraid of anything I’ve seen him do daredevil stuff that hardened soldiers would not risk. He is feeling stress because our son isn’t well so he shouts and blames everyone but himself. He has told me the kids won’t be seeing me anymore because of my mental health. They are adults but as you say Diy they are extensions of him. He tried to do the same with me. When I got knocked down and nearly lost my foot he took it upon himself to ring the doctor to suggest I might be suicidal. I’m done I will not be bothering to email him anymore each email is more venomous than the last. He wants me to sell the family home so he and my sons can get a bigger house. Everything is on me. Yet I am paying maintainence and despite not having to pay rent he is living in straitened circumstances it’s laughable. Tomorrow I see the big chief and I know he will be pushing me to retire I’m dreading it. How is it that these (detail removed by moderator) still get under my skin. My father was a wonderful man thank goodness I know better. How I ever got entangled I will never know. Big hugs for you both your support means so much. Until recently a relative was very helpful, but she’s battle weary this divorce is never ending.

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