midnightshadow

[midnightshadow]

I too have been in the same situation. Very soon after me he moved onto another girl. I met her at a (detail removed by moderator) as we share a son. I found out years down the line as I had the girls phone number for when he used it to message me, that he abused her aswell. In many of the similar ways but some different. For example hitting her with objects and pushing. He never did some of the new things he did to her to me (which are too specific to mention) but he also did way worse things to me as we share a son and our son would make him angry if he cried.
He has now entered a new relationship after I rejected getting back together with him after this girl left. He had been with her a (detail removed by moderator) and started talking to me about how I was horrible and controlling and he wanted a baby with her. You can see he is the same pattern of getting young women, moving them in and moving really quickly through the relationship. He did the same to me and stopped me going out places. I genuinely feel she is a nice person who hasn’t got to the abuser yet. When I met the young girl, I felt at ease when she was with my son and not when my son was with the Dad. I was happy for this girl to be with my son and not his father. I guess because she isn’t the problem and she is just a normal woman. The father then made out I hated the girlfriend and was giving her nasty looks. Showing he is still the same, she isn’t the problem.

I also have had the same thoughts as you, wondering if he actually doesn’t do it to her? Why not her and why me and the ex gf? I had dreams about being with him again in a romantic way and I can’t really get my head round it. But the responses here have been really helpful. It is a longing of the nicer side to them and why you got together in the first place. If it was all doom and gloom you wouldn’t have dated them. But that’s how abusers suck you in into these relationships otherwise they’d be alone. I know he is still the same after all the ways he’s acted towards me. Will it happen to her? I see it as very likely and I hope she gets out sooner than I did. It is likely the same with you

[midnightshadow]

That’s really helpful to hear! Thank you! It is something I had found really hard to get over years down the line. But I guess a way that really helped see it, which my counsellor said to me, is if it was your friend who did that in the same situation? With a violent man attacking them? Would you feel any less towards them? And I know I would never behave that way if I wasn’t being attacked in the first place. Working towards healing. Best wishes to you xx And thank you again

[midnightshadow]

Thank you, that makes a lot of sense! He did get into my head so much saying we are as bad as each other and calling me so many names I think I got to a point I did believe them. So I stayed when I should have been thinking that it wasn’t okay. I think I have carried that with me ever since.
I need to try and think of how I have been with (removed by moderator) men since and I haven’t done anything like that because I wasn’t in a toxic situation x

[midnightshadow]

Hi GreenSapphire,

Thank you for you reply!

Does it ever get any better? Does it ever fully go away or comes back from time to time? I struggle so much with the nightmares and the constant inner conversations, like you said, with him.

I have found that counselling is the only thing that has kept me going to be honest. Thank you for your advice. I will have to try some of those other things. I have found reading similar experiences on here rather eye opening.

You are probably right. He won’t ever change and I don’t know why I keep arguing with myself that perhaps he has suddenly changed how he behaves and maybe I am being the one who is being to harsh by not allowing unsupervised contact with our son. It’s just so draining to go through the thoughts and the nightmares and me arguing with myself or him in my head. I don’t know why I doubt myself.

M x

[midnightshadow]

100% agree with KIP. My ex partner who was physically abusive was really nice to me for three years approx.
He then started sending nasty messages, being nasty to me during contact and arguing with me during contact with his son when I kept saying I wouldn’t be discussing this with him here, (detail removed by Moderator). He then made up a load of lies of how I abused him and how I pretended to throw myself into walls to get people to think I was being abused and so on…
The best thing you could do for him is get him to live with the consequences and then maybe he might get some help in order to change his behaviour patterns.
I made the same mistake of thinking that perhaps he had changed and then feeling guilty myself because of it.

[midnightshadow]

I definitely found it strange that I moved on from the relationship and was able to manage really well for a good few years with only suffering anxiety. Nearly (detail removed by Moderator) years on, I started suffering PTSD as a result of receiving a nasty message from him and then controlling messages to do with seeing our son which really triggered me to start having nightmares, struggling to concentrate, randomly crying, panic attacks, flashbacks etc… You might want to go to the GP or self refer on Health In Mind for some counselling. Well done for getting out!xx

[Author]

Posts