Wiseafter

[Wiseafter]

Me too, wakemeup. Debt is a material result of how I was manipulated and controlled that will be with me for years, like a constant reminder, no matter where I go, or what I do. During my relationship my abuser expected me to pay for everything – bills, mortgage, insurance, food, holidays, kids clothes, repairs, the car, petrol, birthday meals and events – even Christmas – all my responsibility. He took out loans and cards in my name. He said he would pay his way but he would ‘forget’ and if I pushed the point he would rage that I was petty or mean – didn’t I trust him? Sometimes he stuffed money down my top or threw it at me. Sadly, after I had got away from him, I used spending as a way to distract myself and manage my feelings which were soothed for a minute by shopping. I look for other ways to self-soothe now but it is a hard road and I needed a good therapist to help me. Also, I called Citizens Advice as first step. There is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not alone, so be kind to yourself. xx

[Wiseafter]

I know I didn’t think about it before I got out. Now I know it was just another form of abusive control. My abuser had specific ways of controlling me called ‘anchoring’ (using objects, touch, words, certain songs, memories etc) and future faking to keep me hooked and giving more and more. He somehow made me feel responsible and paying out so that I was the one that had the skin in the game, not him. It was deliberate manipulation and driven not from a desire for a better future with me or the kids, but the need to control me in the moment. He could then deny the promises he made. Talk is cheap and after all, it is his word against mine and I am unhinged, forgetful and unreliable. It was like a sick game, being around friends was excruciating as my abuser held forth about our latest grand plans, boasting about this or that. The lies and pipe dreams. The rage on the way home as he accused me of not having his back, not believing in him, even if I had kept my face neutral or the smile plastered on. Another thing I found weird and I don’t know whether you guys know what I mean but my abuser seemed to have no sense of time – weeks, months, years – it meant nothing to him, something that happened yesterday was ‘in the past’ or on the flip side he would bring up a small thing I did or said years and years ago saying it happened recently and he would rage about it – very strange. To all of you still in this kind of dynamic, be strong and know you are not alone. xxxx

[Wiseafter]

Hey Orchidblue, Hope you are OK, I know you sent this post a little while ago so hope you and the kids are on the mend, sending you love. I used to be so bitter towards my ex because he never stepped up and deliberately avoided all childcare after we split and never gave me a penny. I had three kids on my own and over time I just stopped having any expectations of him at all, almost as if he didn’t exist. I just pretended he was gone and that was that. Yes it was really hard work but overall things changed for the better because I had no choice but to step up but I was in control and did it all in my own time, at my own pace. When you are in a dark place and sick you need help. Please do see if you can find some local organisations to help you. Gingerbread maybe? Speak to your GP too. I had to reach out sometimes and that way I found other people who needed my help and visa versa. Put yourself first, focus on self-care, self-love and don’t try and do it all at once – baby steps. You are stronger than you think. You are a warrior. xx

[Wiseafter]

Hi Lostsquirrel, I hope you are OK. There is no question that his behaviour is abusive and controlling and you have shown enormous strength to stand up to him and put yourself and your needs first. I was with my partner for about the same amount of time and relate to much of what you have described. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and you will get through this. Slowly, slowly you are taking your power back because you have it in you – I can tell. There are others who are better placed than me to advise on what kind of support is out there and next steps (I know Women’s Aid can help direct you to the best place to access advice and support in your local area) but I think a non-molestation court order to stop him being able to access your home, harass and intimidate you further may be the first thing. Making sure you feel safe is the first priority. You could also speak to your GP about getting some counselling or therapy for the anxiety and depression, especially if you feel isolated. I know from experience that not being able to share with others and rely on friends can be tough when your partner has isolated you and nobody knows the truth about what went on at home. It helps to talk to someone you trust about what you are going through. Keep posting. Sending you a big hug xx

[Wiseafter]

Duly noted. Thanks xx

[Wiseafter]

Hi Eggshells, I hope you are well. Yes absolutely, I think this is a perfect description of what I went through. I will never get back the time, money, effort and love spent trying to make it work over many years. My ex future-faked from the start; mirroring my hopes, desires and dreams to keep me focussed on a mythical perfect future (the fallacy) and ignoring the abuse and devaluation happening in the present (the reality). He used to tell me we were trying to build something important and worthwhile so what did a few arguments, silent treatments, shoves or fights matter in the long run? That my feelings did not matter. That we were so close to making it. That makes me sad and angry to think about. This form of mind control is powerfully effective. I also think part of me wanted to be in denial about the sunk cost fallacy because it would have forced me to face up to the truth about my relationship when I had spent years hiding it, even from myself. Xx

[Wiseafter]

Thank you, I have just had a very difficult meeting with Citizens Advice which has left me exhausted but it one step nearer being in control again financially and taking stock. I am experiencing feelings of vulnerability that are completely alien to me having spent years hiding my feelings and pretending I was OK when I wasn’t – my coping mechanisms are all shot to pieces and I have to start again. Putting myself first is not something I am used to. I was powerless in the relationship but made to feel 100% responsible which was a horrible situation to be in. I am faced with all of these feelings I have hidden which are coming to the surface and it is incredibly raw. I think you are right about sharing. I need to speak about it but choosing the right place and people is paramount. I have a good therapist and I have begun to write things down and will continue to do this. Will look at the book you suggested, have a lovely day X

[Wiseafter]

Thanks to all of you for your incredibly supportive responses which I really do treasure – I will take the advice about support with finances etc and look forward to posting again soon. Enjoy the rest of this precious Friday lovelies xx

[Wiseafter]

I understand and empathise with you, have experienced exactly the same kind of scenario and hung around ‘letting’ him treat me that way for many, many years so let’s get one thing straight, you are not pathetic. You need some support because what you are experiencing is abuse and it is really horrible. It is good to read up on the chemical reactions that happen in your brain when you go through the cycle of ‘sweet and mean’ it helps to understand why you feel so hooked and unable to break away and that you are being manipulated essentially. Try not to beat yourself up about your reactions, it isn’t your fault and it feels like mental torture because that is exactly the tactic being used.

[Wiseafter]

Buddy this has been going on so long now, I hope you are OK. I experienced silent treatment from my ex and it is devastating. I didn’t know it was abuse at the time, I kept trying to understand, to reason and even begged him – but nothing. He wouldn’t even look at me. Being ignored as if you don’t exist or having to pussyfoot around someone who appears to hate you is awful and no way to live. I think lockdown and the weeks of silent treatment were some of the worst of my life and have fundamentally changed who I am for ever because it opened the door on all the other abuse I went through, shone a light and forced me to wake up and realise my whole life was a lie. I have never felt so lonely, distraught, confused and terrible about myself and I am still suffering the after effects but the main thing is I got away from him. Buddy, it is not OK to be treated like this it really isn’t. Sending you the comfort that you do matter, you do have a voice and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect as a basic human right.

[Wiseafter]

Hi, I agree with KIP. My first thoughts were that he is objectifying you, not seeing you as a real person with emotions and feelings that deserve respect but as an object for his sexual gratification. He may also be playing victim (‘pathetic’) so that you feel sorry for him and give in, either to come back to him, or have sex with him. Either way, please put yourself first and if you feel uncomfortable around him, just leave. You don’t owe him an explanation and you are not responsible for him, or his actions. Stay strong – you are doing really well and will be OK.

[Wiseafter]

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto. Lockdown was a nightmare. Normal is a word that doesn’t apply to what takes place, the mask slips and full time abusive aggressor comes into the arena. Also, the grief after you are out. It is overwhelming. Talking to GP and getting some specialist therapy, posting and sharing, getting validation for our experiences we can’t share elsewhere, gentle activity, learning breathing exercises for relaxation and controlling the overwhelm, making small decisions and relishing in acts of freedom and choice, rebuilding lost relationships with friends and family and self-nurturing by eating well, sleeping well and acknowledging our emotions and how we feel and being kind to ourselves above all else all help. Startingtogo, I am so sorry you are having such a terrible time. It is awful to be living in this way but there is hope and taking baby steps is absolutely the right way to go, unless you are at risk, threatened or assaulted, in which case call 999 straight away.

It is good to start by getting advice from DA helpline (they are very busy but keep trying), women’s aid helplines and rights of women/FLOWS for legal advice. Also, talk to your GP for referral to help in your area and counselling. Find out how much money you have and where and what your legal position is (Rights of Women, FLOWS or through a lawyer, free if you are entitled to legal aid otherwise about £100 for an hour consultation). Do not try to reason with him, you do not need to defend yourself, justify or apologise and remember, none of this is your fault, or your responsibility, no matter what he may say. Stay calm, breathe deep. His angry spiteful words are not facts, they are just weapons designed to hurt and diminish you. Keep a daily journal and record any previous acts or abuse and how you felt. There are many books out there on abuse but advise starting with Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, Healing from Hidden Abuse Shannon Thomas and Lundy Bancroft’s Why does he do that? they will help you enormously and are essential for understanding what has happened to you and why men behave the way they do. Keep posting x

[Wiseafter]

Hey Featheredge – my ex lost weight too, played the victim and looked broken, he was a shadow of his former self and blamed me because I finally stood up for myself! I felt enormous guilt because I loved him very much and it is hard. But, the kind of walking on eggshells relationship is harmful to our bodies and our minds because of the affects of long term stress and fear and the trauma bonding. Please don’t feel guilty, you have not broken him. He broke himself through his abusive behaviour and you are not responsible for him, he is a grown adult. I found it helpful to write down all the things that my ex did and said to me that were awful, abusive and controlling and how I felt. I read it when I started to feel guilty or bad about what happened. I now also see that even the ‘good’ times were nothing but a manipulation to keep me sweet – I’m so sorry, this is so hard but don’t give up. xx

[Wiseafter]

Hi, just to say I totally get your feelings of guilt etc, but you say you are safe and supported so please, please put yourself first and stay that way. If you haven’t read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that (and forgive me if someone has already mentioned it) it is enlightening as to why abusive men rarely, if ever, change their ways. I gave my ex another chance last year when I left and came back. After a honeymoon phase when we re-connected and he felt secure that he had hooked me in again, he was perfectly happy to treat me worse than before because he had threatened and abused me and I had STILL given him another chance and he played on that to ‘up’ his abusive behaviour secure in the knowledge that I wasn’t going anywhere! I now realise that I was showing him that I did not love or respect myself – so why should he? Taking responsibility for our actions or re-actions to abusive behaviour or manipulative situations is appropriate where we can work that through safely on the forum or with therapists or people we trust, this is much better and healthier than going back into an abusive situation where we are unsafe again. x

[Wiseafter]

Hi Hazy, I am always amazed by how much strength you have. Despite all the loss you listed, you are doing so well. Being only a couple of weeks since losing your lovely little doggy, I think you are allowed to grieve and feel down – not surprising given the amount of things that have happened. I am so glad you post on here when you feel that way because I do too. I honestly don’t know what I would do without the lovely ladies on this forum, my virtual friends who just ‘get it’ without asking a million questions, or treating my life like an episode of a soap opera! Sometimes just the effort of speaking to people who don’t share my experiences or who have no frame of reference for them puts me off contacting them. I’m sure it will get better with time but I completely get how war veterans can only share their experience with other veterans! Being a survivor of abuse carries the same weight of loneliness and isolation from the vast majority of people’s lives. Anyway, enough late night ramblings, just wishing you a better tomorrow and a good night. x

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