Forum Replies Created
16th February 2017 at 12:09 am #38096
I feel just the same – you have taken the word right out of my mouth.
Chat again – too late tonight.
10th February 2017 at 3:15 am #37785
Hi Serenity I identify with this so much – only yesterday I was just saying to my Women’s Aid support worker, how I don’t deserve nice things, how I don’t deserve fun times, happiness……
I really DON’T like spending ANY money on myself.
I grudge spending any money on treats for myself, never go out for a coffee and a cake, or lunch out, never buy myself clothes, money is very tight – so I just cannot spend on myself – I feel guilty buying an occasional £5 bottle of wine.
I never go out to anything, when you have been denied the freedom to do things and enjoy things for so long you get out of the habit of treating yourself, and your needs become low priority.
My friends will treat themselves to a hair doo/nails done/a massage/a new handbag/new shoes etc – but I just don’t feel comfortable treating myself….. Im just the kind of person who doesn’t want much from life.
I never expected anything, and I never asked for anything.
He made me feel guilty going out to things, so it was easier to just stay home, and soon this way of living becomes normal……
I bought everything we needed second hand if possible, and even now when I’m away, and I’m free, I still feel I don’t deserve new things and I still can’t bring myself to buy new things – second hand is what I deserve.
I’m just the kind of person for whom nice things, good things just don’t happen – so if I don’t expect much from life then I won’t be let down.
It’s so hard to change the way you think about yourself, when it was the only life you knew for so long…….
9th February 2017 at 2:33 pm #37741
First I left him I thought we are different, we can be civil and still talk it will be OK – but he was just ‘always there’ – he’d find excuses to ring up every week, sometimes 2 or 3 tomes a week – and yes we could talk, and yes it was civil, but I was still brainwashed – he was still getting me to say and do what HE wanted me to say and do…….I wasn’t really free.
So in order to be totally free and move on with your life you have to leave him in your past……
It is difficult, as we do still have things that need to be sorted out, and discussed, but I just know I CAN’T let him back in my life or we will be right back to square one…….
Now I don’t have him in my life daily it HAS given me more peace…..so long as I was speaking to him on the phone, or seeing him, I could never be free, and I could never move on……
It’s only NOW when he is no longer a part of my life that I can REALLY begin the healing process……..it took me way too long to realise that no contact was what I HAD TO DO…….
Already I’m feeling stronger, and his power over me is deminishing…….
Hiya ‘I will be OK’ – I’m hoping others will advise you better than I can, as I’m relatively new to all this no contact – I have listened to messages he has left – because I never know it might be important – BUT what I no longer do is enter into dialogue with him about ANYTHING!!!!!
The only thing with listening to him is that he does still get into your head a bit……BUT I’m being stronger now by NOT doing what HE WANTS, and NOT speaking to him and NOT seeing him – at least I have regained that bit of control over him, and over my life……
The only thing I will say is that now he has no direct means of getting to me, he now uses our son as go-between and I’m not keen on this…. I never wanted to put our son in this position.
I hope you get more replies with better advice, but I just wanted to say hello.
Good luck with the no contact – keep strong – YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!! 🙂
9th February 2017 at 1:01 pm #37736
Hiya – just wanted to say hello. 🙂
It is quite a thought to go no contact, but having finally done it after years out, I can honestly say I DO feel better for it.
I didn’t know if I could do it, thought I’d cave in like I’ve done before – but this time I managed it and done X months now!!!!
So long as he had contact he still had power and control over me,got me to ddo things I didn’t want to do.
Now I’m free of him he has no control over me anymore – he has no power – he can no longer get inside my head.
No contact was made so much easier as I was mad at him – he’d done something to hurt and upset me – and that was the push I needed- enough was enough – no more …… I was so upset at how he’d treated me – and I said to myself – that’s it no more will he be in my life.
He’s tried different tactics to try and get my attention – from being nice and buying gifts – to leaving messages saying we need to talk about X,Y,Z……. I didn’t give in
I didn’t love him, and I didn’t miss him, so it was quite easy – I was determined this time I WOULD do it – and I have!!!!!
Western Cloud – YOU CAN DO THIS TOO. 🙂
9th February 2017 at 1:58 am #37719
Hiya – I just wanted to say hello.
I’m X years down the line – but only on the last (detail removed by Moderator)months managed to go no contact – and I do feel better for it I can tell you.
I thought when I left him that we could still remain on decent speaking terms – but I just doesn’t work …..he still had a control and a hold over me…
The unfortunate thing is we do still have a lot to talk about and sort out – but I just can’t go back to speaking to him…. If I let him back in to may life – no matter how small a way he will still use this to his advantage, so for my own sanity and peace of mind – I have to stay away and not let him back in my life…….
As for how to deal with the no contact thing I don’t know – I too do not want my son to be piggy in the middle – passing on messages from him to me and vice versa…….
And yes in HIS eyes I’m sure I will be unreasonable and childish by not arranging to have a meeting to sort things. I don’t know what version of events he will be telling our son…….anything but the truth…….
Im in the middle of it all too – so I can’t give advice – but I’m sure others might have some good ideas….
26th January 2017 at 6:00 pm #36919
Hi all and thank you for all your replies – unfortunately email is not an option with him………….
He has no internet, so he has no computer/laptop/tablet – so no email.
He cant even text so we cant even communicate that way.
Does anybody else have any ideas?
I really don’t want to have to sit near him or be in the same room as him – I just cant look him in the eyes. Ive come this far – I cant take a step back…….
If he finds a tiny hole in my armour he will use that to get to me again – I know we need to sort this out – but I just cant be near him.
If he gets me to talk on the phone once, he will will ring me again and again – and he will then expect me to be fine with seeing him – and IM NOT…………
I know he will only manipulate me in to saying and doing things I don’t want to…….
If only we could talk through a third party who is NEUTRAL and will pass on messages between us and be fair.
But none of his family speak to me, and none of my family speak to him – we have no mutual friends …………oh this is so hard…………. oh what to do for the best……..
Maybe mediation is the only option, if we could do it in separate rooms?
21st January 2017 at 7:29 am #36634
That advert is on You Tube – and I think its called – “If you could see yourself – Would you stop yourself”
Its really quite scary and thought provoking – that if we don’t educate our sons and daughters – that could be them…………..boys need to know that behaviour is not acceptable – and girls need no know not to put up with it.
21st January 2017 at 6:01 am #36630
Hi Serenity – just seen your message now – the power and control wheel – I hadn’t even heard of that myself – maybe I should contact my local Womens Aid and see what they can give me, eg leaflets etc – just things she can read on her own at her leisure.
Its been a few years since I contacted my local Womens Aid – but I’m sure they would give me something.
Thank you – stupidly I hadn’t thought of going there again after me being so long out.
21st January 2017 at 5:54 am #36629
Hiya – and thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.
I think KIP that I may just pick some bits out of this post and send it to her on Facebook. Shes not really all comfortable talking about feeling, and just refuses to discuss anything of a sexual nature with me – so if I messaged her she will know how I feel – know I care, and know I just want the best for her.
Confused123 – Thank you – Yes that’s what I’m afraid of that they have grown up seeing how their dad treated their mam and they will think its ‘normal’ ……. that’s the thing when the abusive relationship is your first real relationship – then that’s all you know – and you just think its OK and its ‘normal’ – its only too late – way down the line – you suddenly see – no this is NOT normal.
I hope that if she ever felt unsure about anything, and couldn’t come to me, that she would confide in one of her friends – and NOT just accept being treated badly and put up with it like I did.
I’m not over keen on the way her friends behave with boys – but I know as you say – it just seems to be the way nowadays – I just HOPE Ive said enough to her over they years for her to know that she is better than that – that she is worth more – and to wait for ‘the special one’.
Dont get me wrong I’m not saying that on religious grounds – but I just feel your first time should be really special – and not to be ‘given away’ too freely…….but as I say I guess IM old fashioned now!!!!
White Rose – Well I think it went OK – I didn’t ask too many questions for I knew she’d clam up – but I had to ask a bit to let her know I was interested and that I cared.
But she seemed to have enjoyed it, and he seems an nice fella – a couple of years older than her – but he works hard, has two jobs and a nice car – he picked her up and drove her home and they didn’t drink at all as he was driving – and they came home by a decent time as he was working the next day – so he seems a responsible kinda lad – but its early days yet – wait and see……
She would be mortified and SO embarrassed if I presented her with condoms – but well done you for bringing it out in to the open with your daughter.
And yes its nice to see her having the courage to enter in to a relationship (after seeing how her father was) but yes – not ALL men are like the ones WE got!!!
Finally something clicked – nice to meet you – we haven’t spoken before – you seem to have a lovely relationship wit your daughter – been through the hard times and come out the other side…….
I’m SO PROUD of my daughter too – she didn’t let her abusive father ruin the rest of her life and she worked hard at school – got good marks and went on to college and came out in her chosen career and now has her dream job and making good money for a girl her age – despite all those hellish years with her father – she has flourished in to a beautiful, clever, caring, wonderful person – I will be forever proud of her – she is an example to me – of all I wish I was.
My son however has seen how his dad behaved and he does often mirror his fathers behaviour – I see a lot of his dad in him – I have tried to teach him right from wrong – I just hope when he gets a girlfriend he will know what is and is not acceptable – but I do struggle with him sometimes.
They are given a course in school here – called the respect programme – but I feel at the age they are given it the boys are way too immature to take it in and listen and take it seriously – they laughed and giggled through most of it – my only hope is that if modern lads nowadays still dont know what IS/IS NOT acceptable way to treat a girl – I hope at least the girls nowadays DO know they shouldn’t put up with being treated badly.
There was that advert on tv showing a boy being abusive towards his girlfriend – so I hope that helped get the message over to our sons and daughters – not seen it on TV for a while now – it could do with being aired more often – keep it up front in the minds of our sons and daughters.
Girls need to be taught red flags – and know when to say that’s not acceptable.
I hear lots of ladies on here talking about red flags – but I have not done the respect programme so I’m not really sure what o look out for – maybe some of you on her could highlight a few examples to warn our daughters what to look out for.
Thank you for reading this and thank you for your advice.
8th January 2017 at 12:45 pm #35796
I’m so tired, just drained of all energy…….i just feel helpless…….
I just find it SO HARD to stand up for myself and say what I want/need…….
I’ve been a doormat all of my life and never been able to defend myself, I’ve always, always just let other folk tell me what to do – never felt able to say this is what I want.
It saddens me so much that even with my own bairns I let them use me and take advantage of me, even with them I can’t speak out and say it’s not acceptable to treat me this way.
I feel like I have no rights – that I’m worthless – like I don’t deserve to be treated with respect…….. I suppose that’s what abuse does to you robs you of any value as a person……
When I was with him I dare not speak out against him…….and when you lived like that for so many years you get used with that way of living and you devalue yourself as a person.
If other folk don’t treat me with respect, then i just feel like I’m not worth it – if other can’t see fit to treat me right, then I just feel like im of no value as a person. If they cant treat me better, then I’m obviously not worth it…….
8th January 2017 at 12:33 pm #35795
I agree White Rose – ” he took my sparkle and made me flat” – I spent way too many years with that man – he robbed me of any ‘spirit’, any fun that was in me – and I never did have much confidence, but he took all that too.
I just feel now I have no voice, like I don’t matter – that’s what living for so long in an abusive marriage does to you…….
I don’t expect folk to show me respect – so I don’t get it…..I don’t feel important enough…..I don’t feel worthy…….
I have such a low opinion of myself, and its SO hard to change the habbits of a lifetime…….
I have lost me – don’t know who I am anymore……a shell of the person I once was……
Finally after X years out I have decided to go for counseling and I’m on the waiting list – this is my only hope to find the person I once was…….. I don’t know if the old me will ever find her way back……but I have to try
Good luck everyone ………it’s a long hard road to recovery…….
4th January 2017 at 7:47 pm #35536
Just thinking of you today and wondering how things are with you now??
3rd January 2017 at 5:11 am #35382
Thank you all for your kind and supportive words – it’s SO lovely to hear that.
I want to get counseling, I want to find more work and I want to end this year as a stronger, more independent woman.
White Rose – it is a long march to recovery – but we can àll march together – side by side and support one another.
Serenity – you are a shining example to us all – always there with good advice and support.
Lilac Lady it does get to the stage where yoy can take no more – you will know when your time is right and you have to go.
And to each one of you good luck in 2017 with all do – what ever you want to do you CAN DO IT!!!! 🙂
20th December 2016 at 12:02 pm #34672
Hi Eve- – how you doing?
Are you on your own just now? Hope you are OK?
Just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.
28th November 2016 at 3:10 am #33336
Thank you – everyone for taking the time to reply – some ‘oldies’ like me who have been on a while, and some nrw ladies I’ve not spoken to before.
KIP – I really honestly don’t feel strong right now – and I don’t feel like a good mam – but thanks for saying that. 🙂
All this ‘healing’ is taken so long, I had hoped by now I’d be a strong, independent woman……but I’m taking a while to find myself again.
TTMO – it just takes time to think about me and what I want – I spent half of my life being a wife and mother……what I wanted came last…….
I knew to survive I had to do what he wanted – to keep him happy and keep the peace – it was always about him and his needs – I knew it had to be his way.
All the while trying my best to protect my bairns and spare them his moods and tantrums. Trying my best to keep up the front and make out everything was OK.
When the bairns were younger – I made sure I gave them the best Christmas we could – which meant making out I was happy and having a nice time – all the while all it was just me wishing I didn’t have to be with him another year…….
I will let my daughter put up the tree – if I don’t she notices when I’m not OK and she will worry about me.
And yes I DO hope this time next year I CAN cone on here and say I AM looking forward to Christmas, and I WILL have a nice time.
Serenity – yes well I remember trying my best to keep him happy and keep peace in the house that day – trying my best to make sure the bairns had a nice day.
But for years it just meant a marker of another year of my life gone by and still with him – how many years did I sit and write out the Christmas cards saying to myself this WILL be the last year I write HIS name on the cards…..and yet another year went by and I hadn’t plucked up the courage to leave him……
My ideal Christmas when the bairns were younger was just to make sure THEY had fun, and that they had a good day – that they were happy – that’s all I ever wanted.
And now me……what do I want…..well I don’t know …….as I said above when you’ve spent half your life putting others first its very hard to suddenly start thinking of your own wants and needs. I’ve forgotten how to think about my own wants…….and it just seems so wrong to think about what I want…….
I know the bairns will want to share Christmas day with their Granny and aunty – so that’s what we will do – if the three of us sit home here on our own it will only be like any other day – and I can’t do that to my bairns.
Though I’m just as happy to let my son go to his father’s at night and let my daughter spend time with her Granny and aunty – and I go home alone. I just want my bairns to have a good day – I’m not important.
Lost and broke – yes that sound good to me – duvet days with chocs and films – I think it’s the fact that when I was with him I was forced to ‘have fun’ – I had to be happy – and if I wasn’t the life and soul of the party – he would moan to his side of the family at how miserable I was not wanting to drink, not wanting to ‘party’.
With HIS family it was always about huge meals, and loads of drinking and if you weren’t doing that then you are classed as a misery guts and no fun in you – well I’m just a quiet person and I’m not ‘the life and soul of the party’ type.
Im still struggling with the aspect of my life that I DO now have choices…when you’ve spent years knowing you have to do what he wants – it takes a long time to get used to the fact I can now do what I want…..
Peaceful Pig – I agree Christmas is way too much work there is so much emphasis put on mams to make it a ‘perfect’ day…..there is so much pressure to make sure everyone has a great day…
From planning all the perfect gifts – choosing lovely cards – making the house look all Chrismassy – to laying on a HUGE meal on Christmas day…..
It is WAY too commercialised these days – to so many folk it’s all about giving LOADS of presents and about giving BIG presents and spending LOADS of money – that’s not what it should be about – it’s should just be about spending time together as a family.
Me this year I can truthfully say there is NOTHING I want or need – all I want is to find peace in my heart and to be happy…….
Confused123 – I always had my family for Christmas as his lived too far away – once they came to spend Christmas with us.
But he always made it quite obvious he hated my mother and didn’t want her there – so that made it uncomfortable for me being stuck in the middle.
I hope that you enjoy the times you can now be with your family.
And yes you are right – I hope my bairns are big enough now to understand I can’t afford big presents – but they know I love them, and am always there for them, and will do anything for them.
Cuppa – yes you are right – it’s just like you have to be seen to be having a WONDERFUL time – but it doesn’t have to be that way – for some of us just having a nice day is good enough.
Yes – you are right – I may not have the ‘perfect’ Christmas – but it’s a million times better than having him make our Christmas miserable with his moods and tantrums – now we all have a peaceful quiet Christmas – with no tension – no stress of making sure I please him, and make sure that the day goes his way…….
Yes it’s the having choices part that I have yet to get used with – it seems strange, and hard to break the habits of half a lifetime…..
Anyway thank you each and every one of you for your replies – the advice, the support, and the cuddles.
And I wish you all a happy and peaceful Christmas – whatever YOU decide to do.
Very best wishes to you all.