Mommabear

[Mommabear]

Fizzylem – this makes so much sense, thank you. You are right, I have identified ‘his’ voice which is the first step. I will take on board your advice and have a go at this this week.

My youngest was rude to me this morning again and I could hear ‘his’ voice criticising me. I couldn’t do anything right, on the one hand I did something to help her and she said ‘I’m not a baby’, in the next breathe I hadn’t remembered something. I shed some tears in the car and she seemed genuinely remorseful when I gently told her how critical she had been and that I was trying my best.

Another question – how did you talk to your son about the abuse? I’m mindful that he is their father and I don’t want to get into a ‘he’s done this, he’s mean’ sceanario so I haven’t spoken of how he has been mean since he left as I don’t want to be that person. However, when he was living here, both my girls voiced concerns about the way he spoke to us all and were the catalyst for me asking him to leave as I wanted to be a good role model. They haven’t voiced any concerns since but what they witnessed when they were growing up wasn’t normal. How did you tackle this?

Mommabear xxx

[Mommabear]

Thanks diymum@1. This afternoon, they asked for sweets and to be fair it’s the last day of the holidays and they haven’t had many over Xmas. Before going to get them I had a chat with them both about being respectful and nice to me, I didn’t tell them off, I just reminded them that sweets are a treat. My youngest was rude to me this morning (i did get her up at the crack of dawn for a netball match) but had since apologized. I don’t want to be too strict but equally I don’t want them to walk all over me…..I find it such a hard balance between not punishing them every time they do something wrong (which is what my ex did) and reminding them about being kind.

They are good kids, they really are. I don’t want to crush their spirit every time they are slightly out of line but equally I don’t want to let them get away with murder…..

Mommabear xxxx

[Mommabear]

Hi Maddog,

Thank you for your message – you have made me cry!

I had a WA support worker until the end of last year but as she thought I was doing so well, I got signed off.

It’s a tricky one because he has contact with them and has actually become a better father since our split. That said, my eldest daughter came home in tears over Xmas because she missed me so much and because his mother was being controlling.(detail removed by moderator) but he said he was busy. They look forward to seeing him and they seem to have a good time with him so I don’t want to muddy that if that makes sense.

Maybe, I need counselling also? I guess he has controlled my life for so long that I am still under his spell? Maybe the children do need some help, I guess being brought up in this environment will have had a knock on effect on them and potentially it’s a bomb waiting to explode?

It feels like I still have so much weight on my shoulders…..

Tomorrow is back to school and back to work so maybe it’s just that time of year….

Mommabear xxx

[Mommabear]

Hi Hetty,

This is exactly how I feel. I get a sinking feeling every Friday and never ever get the Monday morning blues because I know that he will be at work most of the week.

What you have described is the exact mirror of my life…..I, I, I, I…..

Have you spoken to Womens aid? They have been brilliant for me and I am very close to getting my husband to leave.

It’s a long prrocess but there are lots of people out there to help you

Mommabear x

[Mommabear]

Camel – what a brilliant summary of this. I have told a few friends to watch it and explained that it’s all about the subtlety of what and how he does and says. Sometimes when I am describing to close friends what has happened in my relationship, it sounds so small and pathetic BUT it’s how it’s delivered and the on-going chipping away at me.

I was deeply affected by this programme yet I completely agree that some of it seems trivial.

Dragon, someone once said to me, if you think it’s abusive then it most likely is. When I started to doubt what was happening in my relationship, I started reading about the subject extensively and it helped me realise exactly what was happening. I also started to talk to close friends who confirmed that they had seen it too and I wasn’t going mad.

Lots of love and hugs to you all

Mommabear xxxx

[Mommabear]

imsosad….I totally understand where you are at. I’ve recently left my relationship but the guilt I feel for myself is excruciating. We need time to heal and I plan to get to the bottom of why I have let someone do this to me.

Our futures will be brighter and we will learn from this experience and I am hoping that in some way I can use what has happened to me in a positive way in the future.

Right now, my heart is breaking in two, for the person I was and the one I have become

Mommabear xxxx

[Mommabear]

Thank you HopeLifeJoy. The solictor has just told me her fees! It’s expensive 🙁 Are there any there options? I don’t have a lot of cash (although financially we are ok) as he controls the money

Mommabear xxx

[Mommabear]

Thanks KIP, I have started to log stuff. I have no idea how much money there is (despite being married, he’s always talked about HIS money). I’m hoping a solicitor can sort this out without going to court. I have so many witnesses of his behaviour who have seen him in action so he doesn’t really have a chance of getting custody of the children.

I spoke to my GP this week (I have spoken to her before) so she is aware of what’s going on.

Yes, that’s my plan, do it the nice way and if he gets nasty then get a non molestation order.

I’m starting to believe that I actually have a chance of happiness here. He can’t control me any longer and he certainly can’t stop me from leaving. There is light at the end of the tunnel

Mommabear xxxx

[Mommabear]

I do live in fear, every day of my life. I am also incredibly naive (despite being degree educated!). I just feel that I cannot reason with him. He doesn’t understand. He thinks that how he is is completely normal and this is how relationships are. I see little point in dragging all of this up again.

I have an appointment with a solicitor on Tuesday. I want to understand what my rights are and what I need to do. I’ve spoken to WA and they advised I may have a case for coercive control. I don’t want to go down that route yet (again being naive!)

[Mommabear]

Goodness I am naive….that’s probably why I have ended up in this mess to begin with. I just don’t understand how anyone could do this. What an absolute mess I am in.

I have a call with a very experienced and highly recommended lawyer tomorrow, I’m hoping she will enlighten me about my options. I have spoken to WA previously but I don’t want to go down the route of police/authorities just yet. Again, I am probably being really naive.

I just wish someone would take all of this away from me. I feel absolutely devastated that I am even in this position.

xxxx

[Mommabear]

That’s what I am worried about. I do have a couple of contingency plans and some cash to flee. I also have people on hand to come straight over if he kicks off. Again, am I being naive?

I’m too nice!!!!

[Mommabear]

I am so sorry to read this getusout. I’m in a similar position to you and have done a lot of reading about this topic. Sadly these men use whatever they can to make us feel like we are going crazy.

Is there an option to just leave, break free and start a new life?

I too cannot eat, sleep or function properly, such is the effect this has had on me. Sadly, I don’t think I have the fight in me to make a case for coercive control, I just want out.

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Women’s aid?

I just want someone to come and take all of this pain away from me and for me and my children to be happy again

Lots of love Mummabear xxx

[Mommabear]

Thanks ladies. I have spoken to two close friends today and am feeling a lot better. I know what I need to do and i cannot continue in this relationship. I am going to try and do it the nice way but who knows where this will end up. I have to be strong for my children who need me.

[Mommabear]

Thank you ladies. I am standing in my kitchen in tears….I am having one of those days where I truly believe that I am losing my mind.

I’ve just been thinking about what he would say if he could read my posts. He would say that I am manipulative, over sensitive, intense and that I obsess too much. Even when I hear your kind words, I can hear his in the back of my mind telling me that I am none of those things.

It’s all I think about every day of my life. I go round in circles, constantly doubting myself and my sanity. I wish someone would come and take this all away from me.

I know I need to be strong and I am taking baby steps (some major ones this week!). I’m hoping that tomorrow will be a different day and I will have a ‘strong’ day.

I told him last night that I was fed up of all his abuse and that we had talked about how if it continued then I was gone. I am regretting that right now as I know that this will backfire.

When do I stop the cycle of trying to fix this and start the cycle of being strong 100% of the time?

I am starting the Freedom Programme on Wednesday. I hope it will give me strength

xxxx

[Mommabear]

Me too ladies. I am reading this and in exactly the same position. I just want someone to wave a magic wand and for everything to be ok.

It’s like living in groundhog day….

I totally understand the weekend thing, I absolutely dread them.

Sending lots of hugs xxxx

[Mommabear]

Thank you all. I still struggle to believe that he enjoys this or that he doesn’t care but I am probably the most naive person in the whole world. This relationship has opened my eyes up to everything.

We have (detail removed by moderator). I made sure that everything was organised beforehand so that he couldn’t have a go at me. The morning we left, he did of course fine something. He started swearing at me that I was useless because (detail removed by moderator). Literally just kicked off in front of the girls. I then stupidly went and (detail removed by moderator) because I didn’t want an argument.

There were several other instances on holiday, the girls wouldn’t be quiet in the car and he was stressed, he then laid into them for the next couple of hours (rather than dealing with it and moving on).

Then (detail removed by moderator) (back to work) I came into our bedroom (I sleep in the spare room these days) and I could sense his mood. I knew he was about to start complaining and low and behold, he couldn’t find something and started accusing me of moving it (which I hadn’t of course). Then he started saying that I was trying to cause a fight by picking blame in something trivial (all in front of my daughter). She told him that he had got the wrong end of the stick (which he had).

The question is, these things seem so trivial, am I overreacting? I know even know what’s normal anymore 🙁

[Mommabear]

Thanks ladies. I have just realised that details of some vile texts he sent me (and i published on here) have been removed which may have confused the context of my original message. He called me all names under the sun, including a manipulative b$%^ch. The content was truly vile and I am still upset about this a week later.

I wish things could be different and this is not the life I envisaged for me and the girls. If he could only see how much hurt he is causing us all, but I guess he doesn’t want to or can’t.

On (detail removed by Moderator), he asked for full disclosure of who I had spoken to about how upset I am. He is getting angry and paranoid about it all. I guess this is just another form of control. I have spoken to a few close friends and family, others have witnessed his vile outbursts so have formed their own opinion about what kind of person he is. No doubt, he will blame that on me as well.

He left the front door open (detail removed by Moderator), with our puppy inside the house. When we got back, I simply and calmly said ‘I can’t believe you did that’. My children were very upset and felt unsafe in case someone had let themselves in. He compared what I said to him shouting and screaming abuse at me and calling me names. I really don’t think it’s the same but am doubting myself.

All I want is a nice peaceful and happy life and to be treated with respect. He seems to think that I am making more of this than it is and that I am enjoying being a victim. I want to wake up happy, go to bed happy and not to be constantly worried about when the next outburst is going to happen. Is that really too much to ask?

Mommabear xxxxx

[Mommabear]

Always sorry, thank you soooo much. Your words have made me cry (which is a good thing as I feel supported). Having been told for years that I am this and that and the other and being criticised for everything I do I have started to question stuff. But I know deep down that I have good intentions and that I am a good person and only mean well.

He is purely focusing on what HE needs which is someone who shows him attention. I don’t feel like showing him any attention and this just angers him even more. He blames his latest angry outburst on frustration because I am not showing him enough attention or trying hard enough to make this work (!!!)

If I let him get away with murder and not do anything around the house then I am a doormat, if I ask him for help then I am a nag. If I let him speak to me like this then I am a doormat, if I stand up for myself then I am a manipulative b$%£h. If I keep all my feelings inside then I am a doormat, if I confide in friends because I literally can’t cope anymore then I am disloyal. If I stand by and let him treat my children like that then I am a doormat (and a bad mother), if I stick up for them then I am a terrible wife who doesn’t parent properly.

I literally cannot win.

[Mommabear]

I am in exactly the same situation as you and wanted to send you a message because I could have written your post myself. I am in a constant state of fear and like you feel so guilty for the smallest things. MY OH has also been trying really hard but after (detail removed by moderator) years I can’t see how a couple of months of best behaviour changes everything.

He also tells me how bad he feels, how sad he is, how he’s trying. He even told me the other day that I was the problem and not him. He said it is all in my head yet when I write down everything that he’s done (violence, cheating, swearing, lying, manipulating, gaslighting) then I know it’s not true.

What stage are you at? Have you asked for space? Do you want a divorce?

I feel like I am living in groundhog day. I literally don’t know what I should do

Big hugs to you xxx

[Mommabear]

I spoke to
Women’s aid and I have few rights. He has the right to stay in the house. My only choice is to move out with the children or divorce.
A friend has talked some sneee into me
This week. I’m getting stronger and stronger by the day.

He’s been asking where I am
Going, questioning me going to the gym.

I need to keep strong and out everything in place

Xxx

[Mommabear]

Thank you both. I have written him an email (detail removed by Moderator) (he’s away for a few days) and told him that he has exactly (detail removed by Moderator) to get some sort of plan in place to conquer his anger or I want to separate. I know that he won’t do anything about his anger and deep rooted problems (which sadly stem from his childhood and a father who was abusive to his mother).

I feel bad because he has been making an effort and thimgs have got better but it’s not as simple as that is it? I’ve explained to him recently that a couple of months of him being nice doesn’t make everything better. (detail removed by Moderator) proved to me that this isn’t a safe environment for the children and I am now getting mad at him (when usually I wouldn’t react). I cannot lower myself to his standards. I will not be that person.

I will call Women’s aid tomorrow. I have some credit cards and an overdraft and will use them if i need to. I don’t want to have to leave our home but I’m guessing we may not have a choice.

Should I speak to a solicitor also? If he refuses to move out then I will go down the separation route.
I don’t feel like I’m in danger and my neighbours know what is going on and will intervene if they need to.

He’s had chance after chance after chance and I am so miserable. I cannot live my life like this.

[Mommabear]

thank you. feel like I am living in groundhog day. We had another episode (detail removed by Moderator). I am starting to get really angry now and I can’t control my anger. I don’t call him names but I get angry. He called me (detail removed by Moderator)!

i am just desperately unhappy and cannot forget the past. I have to make a decision as this is not a good environment for my children to be living in. He just carries on as if it’s all ok.

I am a complete and utter mess.

[Mommabear]

Thanks apricot poppy. I’m having a bad day. My husband is away and I didn’t sleep last night. The kids wer playing up yesterday and one was rude to our nanny. I had to explain what was going on to her.

I’m massively doubting myself today. Ina. Way I just want someone to Wave a magic wand and diagnose what’s happening so I don’t Keep doubting myself.

This is the worst but for me. I keep on making excuses for not seeing people for my flakiness.

One minute I think I’m doing the right thing, the next I wonder if I have a good life and I am too demanding.

We have a nice house, nice holidays, I don’t work at the moment yet I cannot cope.maybe it’s slmething else, maybe I am
Going mad?

My mum died (detail removed by moderator)
Years ago and my dad lives far away. I don’t have any family close to home (although I do have lots of friends) but like you all
Probably feel, I don’t want to burden them too much. I just wish there was someone who would tell me what to
Do.

I’m doing everything I can to try and better myself, yet I feel trapped in my own mind.

I saw a counsellor who was ok. Where can I find proper help?someone who will tell me whether I am imagining this al or not.

Sorry to be so negative but I just need to talk xxxx

[Mommabear]

How are you all? I haven’t had the time to post over the last few days. I’m
Just in a state of ‘getting on with it’.

Physically, I am absolutely exhausted. Tired like I’ve never been before. I am just going through the motions of life. My children are of course my priority and they bring me joy every day of my life.

I am seeing my school friends this weekend. I am hoping that I am at least able to enjoy it partly and not go on too much.

How is everyone else doing?

Xxxx

[Mommabear]

Iwantmeback thank you soooo much. I have felt utter shame after posting on the other site. It just made me feel worse to be honest. It’s not that straightforward and as you mention above there is still a kind of bond there. I wake up every morning, hoping and praying that things will just be normal and we can play happy families but I know that this won’t happen. Yet I am still here.

Has anyone got experience of men doing intensive therapy or programmes or do they not work? My husband is promising to do this sort of thing and has admitted the abuse and he even said that he felt bad about how he treats me. He isn’t, however that forthcoming because I think on some level he believes that if he admits too much then I have power over him. Power to potentially make him weaker financially and power to have custody of the girls if it comes to that.

(detail removed by moderator), he accused me of looking through ‘HIS’ finances. Firstly, they are OUR finances because we are married, secondly, I have no idea where he keeps all his documents and what savings HE (or WE!!!!) have. I explained this to him.

He has also accused me of cheating, of not loving him, of only being here for financial gain. None of this is of course true. I just want to be happy! It’s all I’ve ever wanted. I told him that I would prefer to move to a smaller house and to live peacefully than live like this. It’s like he doesn’t know me at all.

I am going to see a good friend (detail removed by moderator), we will talk and hopefully she will give me support.

Much love xxxx

[Mommabear]

OMG this was my experience…whatever I got illness wise he got 10 times worse! Sending everyone currently still co-habiting lots of love xxx

[Mommabear]

fizzylem what a brilliant and supportive post. I cannot thank you enough for your wisdom. I feel like I have lent so much on friends throughout the last year, I ask their advice and run things past them since they have similar parenting styles to mine. I have asked our nanny and a family member to have a chat with ,my youngest who can be quite rude to me and she seemed to listen.

I am really struggling however to find my own way. I thought my way was a good way but for the last 10 years I’ve been told that I am a terrible mother, too leniant, all their bad behaviour is my fault. All their good traits are his (typical narcissist I know).

My family live far away, I have their support but not physically if that makes sense. My mother in law is close but she’s a controlling woman herself and my girls aren’t that fond of her. I feel lost, swamped and scared but tomorrow is another day and I’m sure I’ll wake up feeling differently.

I will take this year like I did last year, with baby steps. It’s the only way. I guess I am going to feel unsettled for a while yet.

At least my children trust me and talk to me, that’s encouraging.

xxx

[Mommabear]

Hi there,

I have been in this situation for the last (detail removed by moderator) years and he is hopefully leaving this weekend.

I would say that if you have evidence like you mentioned then you would have a good chance of getting an occupation order. The company that Lisa mentioned above will be able to help as going through a solicitor to get an occupation order is more costly.

Keep on going, believe in yourself and you have more strength that you will ever know….

xx

[Mommabear]

Thank you Iwantmeback. I think I have reached that point. Tiffany, you are right about the projection.

I just don’t trust him, the affair is the only thing I have found out about, goodness knows what else he has been up to that I don’t know about. I am certain that he will have tried, having heard from the husband of the ex friend he had an affair with what his tactics were.

I swing between feeling really strong and knowing this is the right thing to do and thinking maybe I am making more of the situation than I am. It’s like two voices inside my head. I am sure you will all understand the turmoil I am in.

The truth is however, and the point that I have reached in my saner moments, is that he doesn’t truly love me. How can he? This isn’t love. Too many things have happened and there have been too many instances of him lying to me or doing what he wants. He is untrustworthy and he has broken what we had.

He totally minimises everything that happens and makes out like I am the crazy one. Real mean don’t behave like this. Real men don’t treat women like this.

I have another weekend away soon with my three oldest friends who I have known since school. I plan to talk to them extensively about what has happened.

I have also done a lot of research about abusers changing and I can see that it takes years, if ever for these self entitled men to change. I don’t have that long. I simply don’t want to live the rest of my life with a man I do not trust.

His dad was the same and my DH hasn’t spoken to him for (detail removed by Moderator) years, yet he is repeating all the same behaviours and has the same amount of respect for me as his Dad had for his Mum.

I am pleased I have now come to this realisation, I will start getting my ducks in a row. He’s blown it, it’s his fault and it is now beyond repair.

I have to stop feeling sorry for him. He has done this and I cannot change him.

Here’s to the rest of my life!

xxxx

[Mommabear]

Goodness….

I didn’t ever really think that:

– him insisting I didn’t wear pjs in bed
– him telling me my flip flops were disgusting and banning them
– him making me wait to eat (even though sometimes he got home at 8pm + or I didn’t even know what time he would get home
– him telling me what I should wear (because it was feminine)

is emotional abuse….

I’m still learning

[Author]

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