myfairyqueen

[myfairyqueen]

I have been told that I can take a 2 month mortgage break but he would have to agree to it!

The forced sale could take months to a year though and I can’t keep going for months financially like that. I’m looking into an occupation order to move back in but that seems very risky.

Luckily I do have a great solicitor but some real life experience is useful in these situations I think.

I was on the phone to the police lsst might, every time I call, they know my abuser – I think the whole force know him 🙁

[myfairyqueen]

The threats to commit suicide are just another way he is trying to control you and stop you from leaving him. Please just be careful about standing up to him too much as it may escalate his abuse. Please contact WA or another charity to help you – they can help you come up with a plan to leave and be safe if that’s what you decide to do.

[myfairyqueen]

I recommend this book which explains why couples counselling will not work…..

[myfairyqueen]

He wants to be the centre of attention so finds it hard that you have to give attention to the baby. He is also not tired, he just doesn’t want to do any of the ‘baby sitting’ because it is womans work.

Try to get yourself on the freedom programme and you will learn all about why he is like this.

[myfairyqueen]

That all sounds very scary. I had to hide from my ex for a few months but now I am back living nearby but I have a restraining order in place. I don’t think he would do anything to me though luckily – it is all a front with him.

Make sure you have any form of social media or tracking locked down to remove that risk. Block the new girlfriend and remove any mutual friends.

Please read the book Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft – it should really help you and it has links to other usual books. It is a really scary time if you really think he could kill you and it does happen so you need to make sure you are totally safe.

[myfairyqueen]

That’s harassment rather than stalking. My ex was doing the same and my silictor advised me to set out what was acceptable. He broke that and got worse so I went no contact, called the police and he got charged and pleaded guilty.

[myfairyqueen]

And don’t forget the cycle – he will be good for awhile until the next time. Read up on the cycle of abuse.

My ex started by throwing things and gradually got worse and worse over time as he started to lose control. If they feel they are no longer in control, they will take it to the next level to get you back under control.

[myfairyqueen]

I’m on my 4th session tomorrow. It’s just amazing to finally identify with other people who ‘get it’!

[myfairyqueen]

It will get better but it doesn’t happen straight away. People who have not been in that situation don’t always understand. I’m not sure what has happened to make you phone the police but he was doing something wrong, so you have every right to be safe.

Over time, you will realise what he does is wrong and you will start to feel better. Take your time to read up about domestic abuse and it will gradually sink in.

What support have you got? I have got myself a counsellor and I am going to the Freedom Programme through my local women’s charity. I found it through the national domestic abuse helpline. It took a few calls and I found this lovely lady who explained that none of it was my fault and understood how scared I was and she made all these great suggestions. Stick with it, you will get there.

I also can’t recommend the book ‘living with the dominator’ by Pat Craven enough. It’s less than £10 from Amazon and it helped me so much to understand what he was doing and why. They use it for the freedom programme.

[myfairyqueen]

Are you getting any help like counselling? There is loads of support out there. You may feel so weak right now but things will get better and you are doing the right thing. He will make things difficult by trying to use the children to get to you, you need as much support around you as you can right now.

[myfairyqueen]

Please read some things and you will start to be able to understand. Living with the dominator by Pat Craven was one of the biggest turning points for me and posts like this: https://inhindsiteramblings.com/2016/03/24/the-more-i-read-the-less-i-know/

[myfairyqueen]

Wow. I’m so sorry that you are having to go through all of this 🙁 unfortunately it is the ultimate control as you will now have to deal with the guilt but as others have said, it is not your fault. He chose to hurt you, you had no choice but to leave. He then chose to act like that. It’s not normal. If you had gone back, he may well still be alive but you might not be. You chose to safe your life, he chose to end his because he made bad choices.

[myfairyqueen]

All of that behaviour is normal for an abuser. You have done nothing wrong apart from try to give him the benefit of the doubt. He lost control of you as you met a friend and that probably triggered him to go crazy. I see from before that you have tried to go no contact, I know it’s hard but you need to get yourself somewhere away where he can’t get to you as that will help you make that break. I had to go into hiding for months to do it but it is so liberating. In the end, he sent me so many messages and so many other things, I had to get him arrested for harassment. Even that step took me ages but now he can’t contact me. It’s a long process which is like grieving but you can do it!

[myfairyqueen]

Is there a third party who can use for him to see the kids through if he is coming your house? Try to limit the contact with you as much as possible.

[myfairyqueen]

I wrote mine but I’m too scared to post it on my own social media yet! You should have a go, I found it really liberating!

#maybehedoesnthityou but maybe it all starts with what you think is the perfect man. The one you want to spend the rest of your life with. The one who is your soulmate – you have so much in common. Or do you? But then what? #maybehedoesnthityou but he slowly starts isolating you, telling you your friends are saying things about you behind your back, eroding your trust in anyone but him, getting you to tell him all your secrets then over time, using those secrets to say nasty things about you, guilt trip you and even blackmail you. #maybehedoesnthityou but he hits himself and makes you think it’s your fault, in fact everything is your fault. #maybehedoesnthityou but you walk on egg shells, you wonder what is going to happen when you get home and don’t sit down as you are forever trying to make things perfect so he can’t get upset and blame you, what you don’t realise is that nothing will ever be right as the rules keep changing and he is setting you up to start the abuse cycle again. #maybehedoesnthityou but he buys you most of your clothes so you wear what he wants you to. #maybehedoesnthityou but he towers over you shouting and pointing his finger to make you scared and wonder what he is going to do next. #maybehedoesnthityou but he throws things, pours drinks over you and writes insults on your body. #maybehedoesnthityou, after all, it was only a push and it didn’t leave a mark. #maybehedoesnthityou but he has a go at you every time you go out without him and he doesn’t know where you are at all times. #maybehedoesnthityou but overtime you try to leave, you get as far as the local pub and realise you have nobody in the world you can tell as you can’t trust anybody because of what he has done to you then he pretends he is going to commit suicide so you come back over and over and over again. You get up the next morning and pretend that nothing has happened, getting on with your ‘perfect’ life whilst inside , your world is chaos and you feel numb as crying means you are weak in his eyes. #maybehedoesnthityou but then maybe one day he does. He shows his true colours in public in front of all your friends – the one moment which shows you that enough is enough and you are at risk.

#maybehedoesnthityou but you decide to leave for the final time, he pulls out all the stops to make you come back – getting out a knife, taking too many tablets, pretending that the dog is ill, sending you 200 messages a day for months telling you he has changed and can’t cope without you when all the time, he is with someone else anyway. #maybehedoesnthityou but after you have left, he pretends he is the victim and tells everybody lies about you, he harasses you, your friends and your family. He spends hours a day trying to plot things to get to you like blocking your phone, bank account, cancelling van hires to stop you moving house, makes false allegations about all sorts of people, harrasses your solicitor and when you go to the house you jointly to get your personal things, he makes out he is the victim even though he hid your own personal belongings and spent 3 hours telling you that you look fat and he hopes you get cancer.

When you finally have that lightbulb moment and see through it all, there is no going back. Make a plan, make a clean break and go no contact. Get help. Try to start rebuilding your friendships. Enjoy life and realise you are free and so brave for escaping. Take time to grieve – for the person you fell in love with but then realised wasn’t real, for the people and animals you had to leave behind and for the life you worked so hard for because you are a strong person and didn’t want to give up. You wanted to help him, you were doing it for the right reasons.

You are free!

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