Forum Replies Created
26th November 2021 at 12:47 pm #134738
You did the right thing even if it’s just from protecting the children perspective. My heart breaks for the children.
26th November 2021 at 12:38 pm #134736
Hi Orchid Blue,
It’s so hard to take yourself out of the emotions and look at the patterns constructively. Ultimately if you’re not ready to leave no one can make you. Be gentle with yourself, it takes many tries before one has had enough.
What I personally see from what you have said is that he consistently blows hot and cold and makes you feel bad. Unfortunately this is spilling now onto your children which is simply unacceptable.
From the very beginning there were issues with fidelity. If loyalty is important to you you must ask yourself if you can tolerate his lack of it.
Let’s look at the big-ticket items. Can you trust him? Probably not as he has mislead you and the children in a very painful way. Seems like someone toying with your emotion for his own gratification. Like a power struggle.
The fact that he’s told you “you’re not giving him what he needs (sex)” shows he sees you as a source of whatever he needs. It’s not about you and what you need. Trust me this line is rather common among abusers, I’ve heard it a few times. Red flag.
You didn’t feel loved and seen in the relationship. You withdrew because of that, because of him. Trust your gut.
I feel you were gaslighted to believe you were the one with the issues to be sorted. Abusers are unable to take responsibility for anything.
The thing to untangle here is why your attachment to him is so strong regardless of his behaviour or maybe because of it. You could be trauma-bonded. Have a read online or listen to Dr Ramani on YouTube about it. It’s not healthy for you to continue like this, it’s not healthy for your children. It sounds like something you can untangle with a therapist if you have access to help.
26th November 2021 at 12:01 pm #134728
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. When people show you who they are, believe them.
His mother’s loyalty will lie with her son, don’t expect anything else. I find their mothers are often their worst enablers. As close as you might have thought you were, I’m sure it was true at the time, she will take his side.
At times like this when you feel vulnerable it’s useful to read an old diary entry and remind yourself why you left. Everything seems better in retrospect.
Isn’t it also a great opportunity to reach out for support to friends and family that you want to nurture, that are only your relationships. Vulnerability creates closeness. Allow yourself to share with those who haven’t hurt you and that will be part of your future.
26th November 2021 at 10:49 am #134726
Absolute grey-rock him. Don’t respond, don’t take it personally, don’t defend. He’s doing it for his own ego. And let’s not forget they feed on your negative emotions, too. If you get upset he feels power over you. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
And to be honest we do struggle to respond to these tirades because they don’t make any sense. It’s word vomit meant to get a reaction from you.
You’re doing the right thing. If you can just say “ok” indifferently to him in response it will injure his ego the most.
26th November 2021 at 10:41 am #134724
I’m just thinking, if it helps to take their toxic focus away from you it’s a blessing. Sadly the new person would be subjected to the same horrid attitude soon after the love-bombing phase.
They’re definitely putting their air mask first and seeking to heal any ego injury by being validated elsewhere.
Our brains are programmed to think that if other’s want something it must be good. It’s not!
I’m also struggling despite common sense.
24th November 2021 at 9:55 pm #134640
I’m sorry about what you’re going through.
There are quite a few unhealthy patterns of behaviour going on.
– physical violence
– you’re trying to please him to keep the peace
– you’re becoming isolated
– threatening to kill himself (emotional abuse)
– acting in cycles of violence and apology
– accusations / avoiding any responsibility
The ncdv.org website has very useful lists of behaviours that describe emotional/psychological and other types of abuse.
I’d say as a rule, if it doesn’t feel right, trust your gut. Don’t excuse or justify. I wish I had.
23rd November 2021 at 6:53 pm #134541
Please tell more about this?
23rd November 2021 at 6:48 pm #134540
This is really blowing my mind. I’m going through the process of leaving and after my first (but not last) complaint with the police a couple of months ago I also feel there isn’t enough support.
I managed to apply for a non-mol/occupational orders and I have a hearing in a couple of weeks. I got a lawyer. Have no idea if he’s any good.
In the meantime, every day, I need to manage my anxiety which in itself feels like a task too big. I have no actual protection in place.
I commend you for fighting so hard. It’s so demoralising that you’re not getting the desired results. Please keep updating us.
22nd November 2021 at 9:02 pm #134483
Well done to you!
I felt a sense of relief when your ex said he wasn’t going to see the kids again. But I understand how traumatic it is for the children. Co-parenting with an antagonistic person can be so hard. The children get turned against you, the routine is out of the window, they get manipulated and you get abused.
On the other hand you want your kids to form their own opinions about the other parent and you want to avoid being blamed for them not seeing their dad.
I think we can’t win. Considering all the actual parenting will be left to us, the rules, the discipline, the kids would want to be with fun-dad. We can only hope that in time they will see him for the person he is.
22nd November 2021 at 8:41 pm #134479
I agree with Eyesopening. Very few therapist would actually specialise in trauma. I have looked at so many directories and they list every condition under the sun. I think the field for specialist trauma recovery isn’t that developed yet. And having done some research in the field trauma recovery starts from the body most of all, reconnecting with our body’s sensations. Group activities where you can sync (become in tune) with other people help. Yoga, singing, dancing, capoeira, to mention a few.
Pete Walker’s book on cPTSD is amazing. Also Bessel van Der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score.
What I would look for in a counsellor is EMPATHY. So simple but coming from an abusive background it’s not something we have been exposed to or have managed to cultivate for ourselves. An empathetic person would be able to let you ventilate and validate your experiences. They will give you the blueprint of how to show yourself compassion.
Have your free call and see what their experience is. See if they can comment on n********tic abuse. Good luck!
22nd November 2021 at 12:15 pm #134447
This is abuse. Is there a way to limit contact or have it through a third party? I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
22nd November 2021 at 8:37 am #134436
I’m just starting on this journey and I did have to speak to a few solicitors first and waste money on consultations. I found it helped me looking at reviews online. Firms with 4.9 star ratings for example seem reputable to me. In the reviews people will mention specific solicitors and the type of case they dealt with. You get a sense of their speciality. I may ask for that specific person. I suppose it also depends on their work-load and how much time they can dedicate to your case in a given week.
21st November 2021 at 3:41 pm #134394
First time posting here. I looked for a topic relating to children as my son today told me for the first time that he doesn’t love me but he loves his daddy. We were waiting for his father to arrive and collect him. It’s a crushing feeling as I’ve put my whole life in parenting him for the last few years and my ex was mostly missing. I was alone and stretched beyond recognition. My ex has been the fun-dad, all actual parenting or difficult process was left to me.
As of the last few weeks my ex has finally stepped up and has our son for a couple of days a week (probably with the help of his family). It’s more than he has ever parented while we were together. And it’s always intense and fun when they’re away from the house, full of family and friends, from what I hear. I do wonder why my ex couldn’t be there in that way in the last few years.
I’m a quieter person, and with everything that’s been going on my light is dimmer than usual. I still have a long way to go to be free but I feel desperation when my child has been coerced out of our usual strong bond. My son is still a toddler and probably has a hard time processing the change. How do I deal with his emotions? How do I deal with my pain when confronted with his reactions?
I don’t want to compete by just upping the intensity of our time together as I like to foster a calm and gentle environment.
29th November 2021 at 10:06 am #134893
Grey rocking will definitely make him angrier because he won’t be able to upset you. Definitely bring a witness along. Switch your audio recording on your phone. Document everything.
It will get worse before it gets better. They say narcs are angriest before they give up. I do hope this is the case.