Nellie

[Nellie]

Hello
I hope you are ok,this is so hard for us.
You have been amazing and you have made progress in a difficult situation. Remember what a good, caring amd kind person you are always. This is you. You will find other parts of you again as time goes on and step back into yourself-it will take time but you will get there.
Peace is something we crave because our lives are filled with being hyper vigilant amd it is exhausting.
Don’t be put off by your solicitor- it is a shock sometimes when people are so direct and remember your experiences. You can find other solicitors who may have a more gentle approach- and don’t be afraid to say what you need from them. It could help them in their own approach and business!
We are so conditioned to not make requests for our needs it becomes normal.
I have followed ypur thread and we are frequently distracted at times like this so don’t worry about it and do it in your own time. We all understand that.
You are a strong woman you can do what is needed and get where you need to be xxx

[Nellie]

Hello to you all, I am so pleased to have all your thoughts, experience and help.
I have had a relate session on my own as my husband set up the first session for himself. That was a surprise and in retrospect good.
I told relate that I had spoken to women’s aid and that the relationship is abusive and that I had spoken with a support worker and she had completed a risk assessment. Relate said the best thing was for me to carry on with my own counselling that I have found myself. If at some point I feel we can go to relate then we can do this. My own counselling has been very helpful amd this has given me headspace.
The one thing relate said was to ask my husband how he intended to rebuild trust and to reflect on what a healthy relationship is.
I have asked him to do this and we are going to talk about it in a day or two.
I am doubtful about the outcome and I said to him words don’t count actions do. He has accepted responsibility for a lot of his behaviour.
He has already suggested that the sexual abuse was an imagined event due to my poor mental health! I did come straight back and say that my mental health is not in question. He was taken aback by this.
I am biding time and I have alerted my GP to the situation last week as (detail removed by Moderator) years ago I was put on the ‘at risk’ register by a surgeon when my (detail removed by Moderator) by my husband in an accident. I do believe it was an unfortunate accident. I was told if ever I had any concerns to contact a doctor.
I feel safe that a lot of people now know about the situation.
It is indeed a long and hard journey and I am regaining my sense of who I am slowly.
I am more certain about the impact of whats happened and that I have been in a codependent relationship that has been coercive.
Thank you all for your continued input it has been so very much needed and appreciated xxx

[Nellie]

Rose1 you are not alone.
I am in a similar position too. You are much stronger than you think and remind yourself of this every time this happens. It is his behaviour not yours, it is unkind and uncaring behaviour and you are on the receiving end of it. You are a kind and caring person. You would not behave in this way.
It makes us feel lonely; it makes us feel oppressed and you deserve more. It is him that is unable to express his emotions in a decent way. You are awesome
Sending you a hug x

[Nellie]

Hello Sausage
I am so sorry that you have gone through this as well.
Gaslighting is so underhand and when it’s done all the time you feel in a parallel universe.
I am so sad that he is making me the villain; our sons are edging towards looking out for him and I know that eventually they will realise it is hard in the meantime.
I am feeling overwhelmed and sometimes dissociated, like I’m wandering through a mist.
I have now told a friend and I feel like the villain again as she can’t believe some of the things I have told her.
I feel like I’m just hanging on. Some days are good days some are bad.
I need to hear how some of you have left and how do you take the first steps at all?
I have been with him all my life

[Nellie]

I am grateful for all of you writing and sharing your experience . Tonight is a bad night, we all know too well what that feels like. So I came here again and I feel not so alone.
ISOpeace I am finding that my husband is blaming me – I am too angry to talk with at the moment and too emotionally charged. I haven’t raised my voice or acted angrily from experience. He has no acceptance of what he has done.
Eve1 you are absolutely right – asserting my rights is not acceptable at all and he had no acknowledgment of the hurt he has caused me.
Camel, I think that my sister doesn’t understand the implications of abuse, she has heard and trusted me and I think she feels a counsellor will do the same. Since all of this happened I have been reading all I can and have just understood the dynamics of abuse and the abuser. I am reeling from it.
I have spoken to women’s aid too and now know that it very unlikely our marriage will continue. I am finding ways of not doing the counselling as I now realise it won’t do any good for the reasons you have all said. But I need a good reason not to do it and just coming out with a bald statement saying you are an abuser would send him over the edge!
I am trying to get help for myself and have talked to my gp as well and she has been helpful.
I am very slowly making progress and I can’t think back but it is difficult to keep moving forward when for such a long time I have been in this situation of no life and no movement and being told what is best for me.
Many thanks to you all xxx

[Nellie]

Dear Hawthorn
Thank you so much for this.
This afternoon I have emailed my local branch of women’s aid- I think these are unprecedented times and the line was engaged for a long time.
I am so cross with my husband for talking to my brother in law – I have no safe place to discuss this now. My brother in law is very well meaning
I can say to my sister not to pass information along. I used to write things down but last time he found it.
I feel lost and out of balance.
My son says I need to take control and start thinking of myself. This is true but so hard in the situation.
I will continue reading and gaining information.
Many many thanks

[Nellie]

Hello Hawthorn
Many thanks for this, the feeling in the pit of my stomach says no, I have lived for so long with subtle and not so subtle emotional abuse that often I think it must be me.
He is clever at taking away any blame from himself and normalising behaviour.
I feel worthless and of no use to anyone, I am unable to discuss things with him as he says I’m being ridiculous- I’m being sensitive and I must man up.
I am so shocked by what it is. People love him and say how wonderful he is. He is very able and very calculating.
We are sleeping in separate rooms now and doing this has allowed me not to be “living under a veil’ quite so much.
I was like an automaton getting up, doing the housework, cooking, gardening, I work for him too and this is menial amd lonely. All in a place with no one else around and the isolation is hard.
I have leaned on my sister amd now he has decided to talk to her husband as well!
I will get in touch with women’s aid and let my gp know as well.
I feel like he is pulling out every possible stop amd life will be ok for a while. I know it won’t and it gets more abusive each time – this time it was sexual and it’s never been that before.
Thank you xxx

[Nellie]

Hello!
I am so sorry to hear this; kindness is hard to deal with somethings, I came home from the opticians not that long ago and cried because they had been so kind to me. I thought it was odd and now I realise why it happened. My husband asked (detail removed by moderator) and unwanted to say “all I get is manipulated!”
We are strong people who have had our power taken from us for all sorts of reasons.
This site has helped me to understand the parallel universe you describe. We are all there with you xx

[Nellie]

Sending you warmest wishes and hugs. You are brave and strong xxx

[Nellie]

Hello! I find myself in a similar place, not out but aware and planning to go. I never thought it was abuse either.
I agree with Darcy and start thinking about you and all the things you want. If you want an improved relationship with your daughter it will happen.
Building trust again is slow but the more small ‘deposits’ of trust you can make the better. I read a good piece by Beene Brown on trust in relationships and it made sense.
I am astounded at the number of people here who have had a similar experience- I was reading one person’s experience and it was a carbon copy of mine which is when I realised it was abuse!! This is my fist post and I wish you every success and all the good fortune you need

[Nellie]

Maddog
Yes – I recognise the circles. I recognise other women’s stories as my own. Thank you Maddog and Hawthorn for reminding me I Am not alone.
Small steps eventually lead somewhere. I am doing that – hugs to you both xxx

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