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17th August 2020 at 9:48 pm #112342NewboundariesParticipant
Thanks Yellowbird and Lisa. Just received my court date and going to be staying longer than expected but it is what it is. Hard sharing a house but at the same time its a thousand times better than being under the same roof as him, the things I put up with was starting to break me. And so it is lovely just having that peace in my head and freely being able to do what I want to and see my little man flourish. Going to be away longer than I wanted but going to use that time wisely to build myself up mentally as going to need it for the court case and the move back (to a separate home). Yellowbird had so many hot and heavy tears that just overwhelmed me during the first 2 weeks. Sometimes still do, its an emotional journey but one for the better and it will be worth it. I hope you are coping OK too. Stay safe everyone
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31st July 2020 at 7:41 am #111269NewboundariesParticipant
I am in a shared house with my own room, sink and bunk bed, everything else is shared.I have one child. I have only been here for a short amount of time. The kitchen is big and has all the things you need, bathrooms are shared, a laundry room, a living room, a playroom and a garden.
Would have rather a self contained flat as hard to adjust to a shared home. But for the first time for ages I can relax and be myself and not feel so stressed all the time than if I was still living under the same roof with my ex. And my lo who kept having meltdowns probably because of the stress and the fact that daddy was restricting time with mummy, has barely had any now.
I will be honest there has been lots of tears from me just adapting to it, the realisation has hit me but everyone is lovely here and there are support staff who work here during the day. The support network is worth it and even sharing experiences with the other mums. I was worried how my preschooler would cope but I just told lo we are going on an adventure and has adapted well. There are children similar age and so has playmates throughout the day although I try to get us out and about during the day.
You are going to have enough on your mind when you are fleeing so I would just tell your children we are going on an adventure or holiday home for awhile and then when you are safely there you can then choose a time to tell them more. I had a (detail removed by moderator) for my little one and so as I was gathering bits together I asked lo to fill it with fav toys. You might want to do the same with your kids or get them to do a backpack or if you don’t have time to do that, just try and pack a couple of things yourself beforehand. I was put in a hotel room for 3 days where lo played with toys and since we’ve been here hasn’t played with any of them but has enjoyed having 2 of fav cuddly toys here.
I would take towels if you can as I had to purchase mine which is something I couldn’t afford. And don’t forget some treats for you too.
My nearest refugees were full up with no vacant space for at least 4 weeks but I couldn’t wait that long and so I had to move to an area that I wouldn’t have chosen. Don’t get me wrong it is a great location and I am allowed to leave the house for 2-3 days at a time but I wanted to stay a bit closer to my home location as will eventually need to share childcare with the father. At the moment its quite some hike. -
31st July 2020 at 7:05 am #111266NewboundariesParticipant
Thanks everyone for your tips. Safe in my new temporary home and managed to delete those photos properly!
Thanks for tips on what to tell your little one Iliketea. At the moment lo thinks we are on a little adventure and is loving it. I need to have that chat soon especially because lo can’t speak to daddy and usually we are all together all of the time. We do an online diary each night for him to read through with dad when lo gets to see him in the near future. Hopefully lo will take it in fine.
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16th July 2020 at 3:24 pm #110149NewboundariesParticipant
What a great post!
I have been through so many emotions and stages, can completely relate to the feelings of guilt that some of you have been experiencing, as have been there and it stalled me for quite some time, especially when he was being nice- that really confused me. Now I see right through it and accepting everything for what it is now and just focusing on my and my little one’s future and getting out asap.
Whats stopping me now..
I am ready BUT only on my terms which I am being advised against.
I have decided to stay in the same area for the moment and one day when I can afford to move, I will. (My support worker agrees this is the best plan) I have more support finding a home if I stay (which obviously he doesn’t know about) but my issue is when that opportunity comes up, I can’t get out or I can but then he will just find me, pick up the child and not return to me. So I need to arrange a temporary court order for child contact. But for this I need to flee for a short time whilst I wait for the court hearing. I have this crazy idea (is it really that crazy?) to stay during this process as this is what he wants – full custody and agreement for child care to be decided by the courts. So surely he can’t be much worse than he currently is and it will take a matter of weeks (controlling, manipulative)
Why don’t I want to flee? Well why should I leave all my possessions and my life. I have been trying to pack but its taken longer than expected and I am running out of time (I have an excuse to pack which he is not suspicious of). Plus the money, how am I going to afford to live with my little one whilst in temporary accommodation, how is my little one going to cope, how am I going to afford to pay the final bills of my current place at the same time, as it is all under my name and joint tenancy.
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16th July 2020 at 2:54 pm #110143NewboundariesParticipant
I haven’t left yet but this is what is stalling me. If he finds me he can pick up the child and not return the child. The police won’t get involved as you both have parental responsibility. Unless you have a court order in place and to get the child back you have to then do the court order yourself. I would definitely seek advice from more than one solicitor, think more specific questions- this is what I have learnt. I got advice from 2 solicitors so far, the second one said I can have legal aid as I am on a low income – but both have said different information about my rights.
Sorry not good news x but keep researching the good news is that you’re out so well done for that. And in terms of child care, you can request that only you pick the child up. -
7th July 2020 at 10:00 pm #109235NewboundariesParticipant
Thanks ScottishThistle. Good to know and well done you for keeping strong. I think the same why should I drastically change my life when all I want to do is move out with my little one and move on with life. He isn’t going to make it easy for me when we see each other but I think over time it will be easier anything is better than being under the same roof as him
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7th July 2020 at 9:56 pm #109233NewboundariesParticipant
Thanks Bubblepop that helps and completely get what you are saying. At the moment I am working away from the Refuge idea, I may have to revisit at some stage. Take Care x
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2nd July 2020 at 5:29 am #108447NewboundariesParticipant
Thanks eggshells for your honesty. Its a tricky one. I think it will be determined on what comes up first really. My priority now is just getting out into my own place with my little one and hopefully this month. At the moment locally has better options but not given up on my other destination, something might turn up out of the blue. Luckily I don’t need to work with him just need to see him with child contact. That must be so hard for you. I can imagine the vulnerability you get so focused on getting out safely there will be a crash and burn once you’re out
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19th June 2020 at 7:35 pm #106847NewboundariesParticipant
Just wanted to say Well done Cantmakedecisons. I also have wasted a couple of decades and not got as far as you yet. Be proud that you did it some stay for a lifetime x
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19th June 2020 at 7:31 pm #106845NewboundariesParticipant
Thanks for your reply CoFFEe@Tea, I find this forum a blessing, like I am not alone/going mad. I glad you got the support and confidence from the refuge.
I’m now with another local charity who are giving me full support and support from the local children centre too. I am exhausting other options first, would prefer to go private rental route but require a loan first from the council, have a meeting with the housing officer soon but might have to fall back on the refuge option or at least temporary accommodation in the short term. I guess re refuge 6 months+ with no contact is a long time and that is what I trying to get my head round, especially missing out on this particular milestone, if he misses it he won’t ever let me forget it, although it might eventually be the only option. I just need to be somewhere where I can think for myself and do what I want, he is just become so controlling and its affecting my time with my little one. My little one is becoming overly emotional and clingy lately but not sure if that is actually a usual age thing. I hate being in this position but try to remind myself that he put me in it. I have a feeling that a swift decision will be made in a few weeks. -
26th May 2020 at 8:42 pm #104421NewboundariesParticipant
Thanks Iwantmeback and Jellyx. Still weighing it up but in the meantime lining my ducks. Big milestone for my child in a few months and don’t really want him to miss it, no photos or videos are going to replace it and that is the only thing stopping me. I know that I will be much happier on my own with child of course and financially I would be better off at the moment I am struggling to pay the bills which I am still expected to pay 50/50, I even have a growing tab for the food shopping that I owe him. I just wish we could find an amicable way rather than what seems to be the only option on having to go to a refuge and not being able to have contact until I get rehomed. I will just keep plodding along until I just know what to do. It would be easier if he wasn’t bothered about his child but he has a big bond with him but I know that he isn’t the perfect father with how he is treating me and he is feeding our child information and the child is too young to be talked to like an adult. Writing it down it sounds obvious on what to do but if it was that easy hey…
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11th May 2020 at 5:13 am #102964NewboundariesParticipant
Thanks, that is reassuring to hear. I am going mad on decluttering and getting organised, its never ending especially during tough times but I feel I can’t go before otherwise I will be in more of a pickle. And once I have done that if there is time I have been considering giving the home (detail removed by moderator) a deep clean too! Must be mad x
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11th May 2020 at 5:00 am #102963NewboundariesParticipant
Wouldn’t have thought that until reading your comments. Mine sexually abused me and was physical with my mum when he was drunk. He was always a charmer, everyone loved him, he was well known locally and I felt special with him (pre abuse). During abuse he was sleezey constantly looking me up and down and I learn after that he was a womaniser, always chasing after women even if they didn’t want his attention. Like a sex addict.
My previous boyfriends have been ‘normal’ nice decent people who treated me with respect.
My husband on the other hand is a charmer, everyone loves him etc etc. He hit me at the start of our long relationship now its more controlling and emotional abuse, he wouldn’t ever sexually abuse our child but he is sleezey with me. Thats like a slap in the face right now. Thanks Braelynn. Need to find my copy of toxic parents and get back into reading it. -
10th May 2020 at 10:29 pm #102954NewboundariesParticipant
Should have added, I want him to see our child when it is safe to do so but wary of how that first meeting is going to be and having nightmares that he snatches the child.
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9th May 2020 at 5:40 am #102797NewboundariesParticipant
I agree Iwantmeback my mind will be more settled then. Definitely need to get legal advice although I am not sure who to start with – CAB, Womens Aid or Gingerbread Company. I have the important documents together and hidden but not done the other stuff yet as I think he will notice. Trying to get myself organised over the next coming weeks so that I am ready x
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