Overcome

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I went to the school quite some time before things got bad, just said there was some things going on at home and could you please check in on the children to make sure they’re ok. When it all came to a head, I was open and honest with them and they were amazing! I would get e-mails out of hours and could e-mail them out of hours too.

I was so worried to tell them myself as he had become an important body within the school but they took me seriously so my fears vanished.

I think it is better for you in the long run to be open and honest, abuse thrives in the darkness…

With love,

Overcome x x x

[Overcome]

Short answer YES!

I went on for years knowing this relationship was not going to last, and dreamt of a life beyond it. The guilt kept me there for years, not only my own, but the guilt he put onto me about breaking a family apart etc…

It was that guilt for my children that kept me there, only now I’ve got out do I see that this is so much better for them than seeing their mother slowly self destruct and their father an angry and controlling man.

be kind to yourself, but be strong too!

With love,

Overcome x x x

[Overcome]

I am loving all of the responses here.

I too am completely no contact with my ex, currently all communication goes through his father who offered to be the go between when things got bad and police were involved. I have been pushing for an app going forward but he is dragging his heels on deciding on one, so I am going to decide and push for one this week.

Going no contact has helped immensely for my mental strength; this is not the first time we have split up and previous times I have kept contact which has resulted in him getting back into my head and me going back to him. I am so much clearer now.

It is very hard and I still feel like I do 80% of the work when it comes to the children, which sometimes I resent but I keep reminding myself that my children will look back when they are older and realise who was always fighting their corner and was truly there for them.

That being said, it can be done, and you will feel so much stronger not having communication from your ex; you will be able to think clearly and make better choices going forward so my advice to you would be to try and go through a third party or use an app.

With love,

Overcome x x x

[Overcome]

(detail removed by moderator)  is not an easy thing to achieve. You have to go through lots of tests and counselling and have a valid reason for wanting it, even if he did want to do it which I believe he doesn’t and 100% agree with little dove; I don’t think he will be granted it…

My ex threatened suicide so many times which broke me to begin with, but was told that most people who end their lives usually don’t tell a soul. I had some advice on this forum to say I am not trained to deal with this so I am going to call an ambulance right now for you… the suicide threats soon stopped.

You owe this man nothing, keeping in contact is giving him an opportunity to get inside your head and get you back under his spell. Stay strong and cut ties, it is the best thing you can do for yourself I promise!

With love,

Overcome x x x

[Overcome]

You could have been writing about me in your post OP!

ISO has given some great advice here, you are still in the thick of the FOG here, I am basing this on my experience months ago. I was literally in your position.

Please read my post Thriving after Surviving it may resonate with you.

Don’t be hard on yourself, one day you will look back and forgive yourself for the way you are handling things, you are in survival mode right now but it doesn’t have to be like this forever; take that leap and trust in your inner voice that is whispering this isn’t right!!

With love,

Overcome x x x

[Overcome]

I was told by my IDVA that when people like this are feeling like they’re loosing control; the abuse escalates. I believe this is so true!

I’m sorry, I haven’t read your whole story, but from your post I get the feeling you don’t want to take this step. listen to your inner voice, moving in with a partner should be exciting, not filling you with dread! Save yourself years of heart break and really ask yourself is that what I want?

With love,

Overcome x

[Overcome]

Keep n fighting…

The clue is in your name! You can do this, and I can see why on average it takes 7 times until you leave for good. Only you know when you’ve had enough.

I have found that reaching out and telling those around me has helped massively as before I almost protected him from the truth of what was going on. I’ve had to face a lot of truths about myself and learn to forgive myself for what I have allowed, and it is only making me stronger.

Also, going no contact is the only way that I have not been sucked back into the manipulation, it really is that only way. All child arrangements go through a third party so I don’t even need to discuss this with him. It has helped me keep a clear head and I am now able to make my own decisions without fear of his reaction.

I hope what I am saying resonates with you, we are all in this together! x x x

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Thank you so much for your replies ladies.

I am just sat right now plucking up the courage to call the police back and press charges. I didn’t want to in the beginning but now I feel it’s the only way.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did it go?

With love,

Overcome x x x

[Overcome]

I believe this phenomenon is whats known as “the fog is lifting” Congratulations for being able to assess your situation and see that it is certainly not normal! Such a huge step in freeing yourself!

I found this part the hardest to deal with as you face an internal battle, its almost like a push and pull, where your rational mind tells you this isn’t right! But the addiction we get to the abuser tries to explain it all away and keep you in your ‘safe place’ much like any other addict.

Then there’s the matter of trying to live like everything is normal so he doesn’t suspect, and it just doesn’t come naturally to many of us on this forum who are honest and true.

Im so sorry to read what you went through, my experience was very similar, I even had to keep receipts of all my spending and an accounts book and send it him monthly, he would dock my allowance if he felt I did something wrong and I had to earn every penny. It was horrendous! On the outside of course it looked like I had it made, I was a kept woman how lucky that I had a credit card to do what I liked. The reality was very different and would only just get by each month trying to make sure kids had food and nappies and clothing.

Please be kind to yourself right now, it can take a long time to finally break free so don’t feel like you must do everything straight away, get a plan in place and definitely look back at this post when you have weak moments. I hope this helps a little x

With love,

Overcome x x x

[Overcome]

Hi all,

Thanks for the comments, I see a clear theme from all of the replies and it is what I know deep down. I am certainly not ready for a new relationship and to be honest I don’t want one yet. I would be happy to be this man’s friend and that alone. I think I’ve read too many quotes that saying things like if its meant to be it will be etc.

After sleeping on things I agree that because he seems like a nice person and is friendly I have hooked onto it a little too much in my thoughts, I guess I am still craving decent human companionship. Im still working on things and myself and trying to find out who I am again… I’ve started doing things I enjoy and that make my soul happy and I’m becoming a better mum for it too. I guess I am just getting swept up in the fantasy of having a happy ever after.

Im so glad I shared, I knew that this is the safe place to share and get the advice needed to stay grounded. So many other friends have told me to go for it but I knew deep down that its not the right time for me.

Hope you are all staying safe, love to you all.

Overcome x x x

[Overcome]

They sure do, KIP. If I didn’t know by now then I certainly do after yesterday! x x

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I didnt feel it on the inside. Thanks for your replies ladies, this always feels like a safe space to vent. Hope you’re doing ok in the current situation x x

[Overcome]

I can sympathise with you here, Lucee.

Weird sex stuff is high on a N’s list of things that make them feel alive. My ex cheated on me quite a bit and because I had small children and was dependent on him financially I felt like I had to stay. He told me about a website one night and said he wanted us to try threesomes. He said he wouldn’t feel like he would stray if I did these things. He would be proud that he didn’t need to watch porn or speak to anyone else because I was doing everything for him sexually. The more used to things I got the more he wanted, I felt like i was having to do more and more things to keep him satisfied but he never was. I too enjoyed the attention from other men; I was craving it, the affectionate stuff had been long gone for so long I forgot that I needed it in my life. Towards the end of this episode he wanted me to sell pictures and videos of myself which I wouldn’t do. He would call me horrible names too, really jekyl and hide stuff!

I am so glad I do not have to do that stuff any more, I finally feel like I am waking up to the me I truly am and I am quite ashamed of what I have let myself do for him, for ‘love’.

I would say there is definite coercion there, Lucee. If you feel uncomfortable saying no but want to then that is abuse. It can get very messy when the attention from others brings good feelings but I would say cut off relationships with others until you have done some healing work on yourself, this type of abuse can leave you confused and doing things that you my not have done would you have been clear headed if you get what i mean? x x

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KIP – if anyone has the strength to get through this it’s you. You seem to have so much knowledge and have helped so many others. But I think it’s very sensible to ask for a video link. I can’t speak for everyone and I am only at the beginning of my new start but even now when I know he is near I become uneasy and anxious – in a perfect world I would never have to hear of him ever again!

[Overcome]

Even now, he is still dominating my thoughts. I know what he is and what he has done, but I am still trying to untangle all of the mess inside of me. I really should be thinking of myself, my children, my future.

Does it ever stop?

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