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    • #120257
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      I don’t want social services involved. They are an absolute joke in my opinion.

      I did reach out locally and had an IDVA in contact but unless you do what they say they are not interested.

      I can’t leave my home or my husband won’t agree to me selling it and I will be stuck with having to pay for it.

      I am not going to do anything that makes my life any harder that it is.

      (detail removed by Moderator) All the services link. So I ring my GP and that ends up with SS in my life. Nothing is confidential. I do not trust anybody.

    • #113040
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      This could be me.

      You are not alone.

      It’s an extreme situation and we need to get out of it.

      My husband is desperate to provoke me so he can claim victim status.

      Star 🌟

    • #113039
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      Until a month or so ago I believed everything was told.

      That it was my fault.

      My behaviour was terrible and I was an abuser.

      That I was lucky to have him but needed to show much more gratitude and praise him more.

      And every day I’d get up and think how can I stop him losing his temper today? How can I keep him calm? How can I avoid an argument. And I became this little tiny creeping about type person mostly. Apart from when he abused our son.

      It seems a life time ago!

      Not only can I not change him I don’t want to. I am not abusive he is. I want and deserve a better life and so do you Lottie.

      I can’t wait to be free. I’ve started telling people very firmly so there is no going back. My father encouraged me to get the house valued and on the market ASAP.

      Progress towards my better life feels good.

      Hang in there and see you on the other side!

      Star 🌟

    • #112824
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      As my IDVA would say its a tactic.

      Mine is now being Mr Reasonable (rather than Mr Nice) but he is also trying to prove to me how hard my life will be wtihout as opposed to with him.

      He’s been here during the day and staying in an (detail removed by moderator) at night meaning he is doing nothing to help – no washing, coooking, dog walking etc and I am still working full-time.

      Of course a part of me feels sorry for him and questions my decision to end the hell of my marriage but then I remind myself of the bad bits that increased, the promises made that were always broken, all the evidence that I was not important, he didn’t care etc

      Stay strong and keep going!

      Star x

    • #112571
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      With you all the way LB! I’ve edited it a bit and if they don’t publish it (I’ve had a few published before) it’s been great to put how I’m feeling into words.

      I won’t go back now. The only way is forwards. The road ahead is rocky but the path before was jagged and dangerous. On this new journey there will be helping hands to guide us and a very bright sun is already shining to light our way.

      Good luck this weekend. Strength and courage to you my sister.

      Star xx

    • #112530
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      Being honest is never a mistake. But in an abusive relationship it is to be avoided!

    • #112516
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      Trust me lovely. It’s not the big M.

      I went through this a few years ago now and clutched at it for a reason but it’s not the reason. The reason is that your relationship has run out of road.

      Its the big A – abuse.

      My husband would say that I am everything I would say he is. Abusive, a bully, controlling, unkind, unfair, cruel. That I want to destroy him etc

      It’s hard to hear but I am more clued up now I have an IDVA checking in on me as currently in a high risk situation.

      He’s clutching at straws. His power (like the white witch) is diminishing. It will soon be Christmas and then spring. Winter will be over.

      I have seen the light and know that I do not want things to stay as they have been and that I have been frozen for a long time. I am taking my power back. Involving others. Safeguarding my children.

      It’s hard as one of the things mine has done is bully and crush our son. So his sister is the favoured child detail removed by moderator).

      I am in our room alone (removed by moderator).

      If it’s good enough for his son it must surely be good enough for him 🙂

      I wish he’d move out but he’s determined to stay. Wanted me to move us all out so he could stay alone (saying I’d left him) and potter and tinker in our half finished house thus delaying it going on the market and him having to get a job. He’s not really worked for nearly (removed by moderator) years.

      ONWARDS!!!!!

    • #112409
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      Wonderful news!!!!

      Just on the site now.

      Sad isn’t it when your world is reduced to feeling happy that their are organisations that can stop you getting hurt and abused.

      Onwards!

    • #112397
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      I’ve recently reached out to a local charity who risk assessed me at high risk of DA. I’ve been referred into a county wide agency who are monitoring me and calling each day.

      Her advice today was (I’m in quarantine so it’s very hard) not to tell him it’s over or whatever as he’d be more dangerous. She said that what I should do was ‘friend’ him to try and keep him calm. I think she is a IDVA?

    • #112309
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      This has really helped me.

      I had a Significant Emotional Event during lockdown when my husband abused our son so badly that poor child was screaming and totally distraught and then he turned on me – and then he sobbed on the floor and said that we had all done this to him and my little daughter comforted him and he contuned to rob her childhood.

      The line has bene crossed.

      The process has bene started.

      The relationship makes me very unhappy. I am always in trouble and always scared and I can’t relax.

      I can cope with a smaller house.

      I need safety for me and my children. I will no longer believe all the promises.

    • #112091
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      What you’ve said sounds so familiar to me.

      My husband will always tell me I’m far worse. I’ve caused it. I need to behave. I’m the bully. I’m the abuser. I will lose everything. I’m mentally unstable.

      It’s worked until lockdown.

      I’ve been putting off starting my next chapter for years. Because my husband utterly drains and squashes and crushes me. And I get the self doubt and believe him.

      And I have spent so much of our marriage lying for him. Covering it all up. Pretending everything in the garden is rosy. It’s a habit I’m going to struggle to break. Repeating the lines he gives me. Telling everyone how hard he works. What a great dad he is. How busy busy busy he is. None of it is true.

      When actually here am I – a professional woman with x children – allowing herself to be treated in a disgusting manner day in and day out.

      Don’t believe your abuser. It’s gas lighting.

      See you on the other side!

      Star x

    • #112087
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      Don’t lose hope! You and your daughter deserve a better life! You are only (detail removed by moderator). What if you live to 99? What if your daughter has a child? How will you support her (emotionally) and your grandchild if you don’t have your freedom?

      Proceed with the divorce and know you have a life ahead. Yes it’s change and it will be different but do you truly want to die as unhappy as you are now and what if your poor daughter? You don’t want her to ever be in the same position as you do show her the way forward.

      Gain some self respect and get the help you need to have the life you serve!!!

      Xxxxx

    • #112048
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      Many red lines crossed a long time ago. Refusal to work. How he treated me when I had cancer. The control. Tighter and tighter. Have to check everything with him.

      But during lockdown it all escalated. He won’t leave our (detail removed by moderator)yr old son alone and bullies him.

      And he of course turned on me. Pinned me down and punched the counter by my head. Drove dangerously so I felt scared. Screamed at me and threw hot tea all over me. Called ME an abusive bully. A women who runs two businesses that he works in, but has become very small and quiet. Hardly speaks. Hides in my room until the screams tell me he is hurting our son again.

      He crossed the line.

      I’m not going back.

      Taking legal advice and getting my sanctity and freedom back.

      What took me so long?

    • #112045
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      Many red lines crossed a long time ago. Refusal to work. How he treated me when I had cancer. The control. Tighter and tighter. Have to check everything with him.

      But during lockdown it all escalated. He won’t leave our (detail removed by moderator)yr old son alone and bullies him.

      And he of course turned on me. Pinned me down and punched the counter by my head. Drove dangerously so I felt scared. Screamed at me and threw hot tea all over me. Called ME an abusive bully. A women who runs two businesses that he works in, but has become very small and quiet. Hardly speaks. Hides in my room until the screams tell me he is hurting our son again.

      He crossed the line.

      I’m not going back.

      Taking legal advice and getting my sanctity and freedom back.

      What took me so long?

    • #112020
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      My feeling is less is more. My husband would fight hard against being called anything. Bully or an abuser. I have got to a point where I want out as quickly and painlessly as possible. I know the truth. But equally as someone who had a baby as a teenager with someone who was physically and mentally aggressive, I know that if children are involved the least you can do is spare them the details. Last time I had to get an Injunction etc My eldest doesn’t not need to know about that.

    • #112008
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      @lottieblue @dilly @wiseafter

      Much resonates with me. My husband wants to be the parent and crush/cancel me out. This comes in the form of being a self appointed ‘corrector’ and commenting on everything I do. Long car journeys fill me and my son (whom he really bullies) with fear as he drives and is 100% in charge. His music on loud. Won’t stop. Lots of rules about water bottles etc

      He has created this persona for me. A woman that’s a bit stupid and gets things wrong or breaks them. If we are with anyone else he sides with them to isolate me and make me look stupid. He’s a good cook and on holiday (where we are now) this is his opportunity to get lots of praise.

      He’s life and soul of the party and I spend time alone. He’s always battled me for the kids and because he refuses to work, he’s been head of the Ministry for fun. Even now saying that my natural Instinct is to repeat his words. That I should not deny the children fun because I’m working.

      Of course I don’t but rare is the tone we can have fun together. I creep around and hardly speak.

      I’m partly deaf and that also isolated me. My husband is always monitoring me and listening in and if I’m having a quiet chat with either child he creeps up and suddenly appears and starts screaming about what I’ve said. Probably something along the lines of not upsetting him.

      So when you describe the pounding heart thing. That’s me every day. I can’t relax. I’m on red alert. For him bullying a child or losing his shit over something very small.

      It’s no way to live.

      I have spent so much time with him

    • #111953
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      @wiseafter

      Your words could be mine.

      “Abuse was a cycle and over the years it completely changed me. I didn’t know about abuse, I just tried harder, to ‘fix’ it all and deny, deny, deny. It was exhausting and demeaning and looking back over the years I can see how eventually I completely disregarded my own wants and needs, covered up for him, ignored the ruined holidays, sad Christmas days, loneliness, fear and sadness. I shoved all that to one side as if ‘me’ didn’t matter. If I didn’t matter to me, how could I expect to matter to anyone else? I had no boundaries and no self-respect.“

      Everything from the ruined holidays and Christmas days to covering up and working harder to compensate. Every day until so recently I’d go to bed with my heart in my mouth and wake up thinking ‘How can I keep him calm today? How can I stop him losing his shit. Exhausting.

      Thank you for sharing. I become a grandmother in (detail removed by moderator) and still have younger children at home. Apart from anything else I want to be the parent I can’t be with him causing trouble all the time and blocking and stopping me.

       

    • #111912
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      @weepingwillow @eggshells @lottieblue We should not and will not believe them. We are not abusive – we are abused. We are not crazy – we are mad about the situation. We are not powerless – but we have handed over and need to reclaim our power.

      We can do this 💪💪💪 We deserve so much late than we have had. We deserve the life we always wanted. Freedom, reside t, control, PEACE.

    • #111881
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      When they realise you are thinking about leaving and waking up to the fact that a life without them is possible, they turn the heat up. Gas lighting is a tool they will use daily. They will identify an area of weakness or something that makes you feel small.

      Mine says I caused trouble by having cancer. By my sister dying. It’s all crap. But it does destroy your confidence.

      Don’t let it!!

      I’ve hardly told anyone IRL. I dread that and being told I’m lucky and selfish.

      Xxxxxxxxx

    • #111855
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      @lottieblue I just wanted to say I relate to what you are saying. On the job front can you volunteer as that often leads to a job?

    • #111688
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      I just wanted to say that whilst I don’t have to suffer the sex part anymore, I did used to force myself thinking it would make by husband better tempered. And it did for a bit before his anger (often at our son) Undid it all. I had to initiate it to prove to him that I loved him. Rarely the other way around. Now he sleeps separately.

      Also the Big M changed things for me. Much less desire.

      My husband has terrible anger management issues. We’ve done counselling so many times. When I’ve been through serious illness or lost people it makes him angrier. I can’t talk to him about me and my needs as he says I’m selfish and always talk about myself. But that sort of behaviour does not make me feel in anyway sexual or wanting to be intimate. I don’t want to let him use me like a toilet for his own relief.

      I only share my story as some of what you say resonates. My husband is charming and can be lovely and on a good day I feel sorry for him. He’d lose more if we split and that worries me as I feel others may shed with him. My children are teens and one grown up. All have a good relationship with him and because he knows that his behaviour on lockdown has crossed a line is being extra helpful and charming and helpful with all our friends and family. I’m terrified of upsetting people and losing them. But I’ve lost myself.

      It’s this sort of behaviour that stops me. It’s the history that stops me. But someone on here mentioned about getting into trouble for shouting out they were making tea. So many things like that for me too. Got to be polite, show respect, thank him for every tiny thing.

      I have had a few days alone with the children and it’s been blissful. I need peace in my life as I get older. I will accept loneliness (so lonely and isolated anyway) for freedom and peace.

      I’m about to go (perhaps my last) family holiday for a week. A week of him having his own way. Going with another family. But when I return I’ve got an appointment with a Solicitor. It feels like it may be a taste of honey. A small step down the path towards a life I deserve.

      Hugs to you my friend. Xxx

    • #111676
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      Thank you for your replies. I have not spoken to a DA worker because I feel there are others suffering more than me and don’t want to waste their time.

    • #111648
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      I relate to what you are going through. I would describe my house as the House of Horrors.

      You can get out. Reach out and get advice and support.

      You will get there.

      I lost a sister who was in a bad relationship. I miss her and althoygh she died thinking I was very happy I want to get out and move on in her name as well as mine. I am also guardian to her two children.

      Star

Viewing 22 reply threads

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