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    • #47644
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      I don’t know either. It does feel insane, sort of like it isn’t happening and you’ve gone into another dimension. Sometimes I think of how great things would have been if he’d been good and true, but he was deceptive and fake and parasitic. I sometimes think he preferred destruction.

    • #47643
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      This really puzzles me because of the seeming overlap between certain personality disorder characteristics, and abusive behaviour and mentalities.

      Personality disorders seem to be used to account for or even explain away abusive behaviour. It is even more confusing when people say that abusers aren’t in control of their actions, on account of their disorders. My previous counsellor even said that my ex’s actions were not fully in his control because of his depression. But I was depressed too? So whose depression was more real and valid? It was messing with my mind and I stopped going to see her.

      For a while I have been taking a lot of issue with how certain behaviours and attitudes are pathologised. Maybe it is only serving to blur the lines between mental illness and abusive behaviour. I know they can occur together, but they’re not the same, yet for some reason I feel confused why I can’t explain that?

    • #46958
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Hello everyone,

      Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. It’s such a relief to know that I’m not wrong in what I’m feeling. I have been bottling a lot of this up, and I don’t know if it is just coincidence but my eczema has flared up (it flared up last year due to stress), and I was puzzled and alarmed because I guess I have been denying how I’m feeling. Going to try channelling all this into a more creative outlet (perhaps my writing, as I have been writing more in my journal lately).

    • #73281
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Thank you, I agree. FB and social media in general is so damaging. That’s why in general I’ve been staying away from it, or at the very least not participating in the constant upkeep and updates just for likes/validation. I had a big old cry on Monday night after containing it all day at work, felt utterly exhausted the following day, and now it’s just settling in my mind in a more rational way, I suppose.

    • #73280
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Thanks for your reply. I wouldn’t necessarily feel any better if there was any telltale signs – I don’t want her to be hurt. She is clearly quite enamoured with him, and it reminds me of how I was in the beginning. It’s just those images were quite emotionally overwhelming and it was difficult to process what it could all mean, if anything. I spoke about this to someone earlier in the week, and they told me without a shred of uncertainty that “people don’t change”.

    • #73278
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      That’s true, I’ve seen this happening with the “different faces for different people”. He could turn on the charm for others, but when we were alone I’d sometimes get the contemptible silent treatment for example. No one close to him seemed to know he was like this, and wouldn’t have believed me (probably they still don’t). I think in order to fully manipulate us, they need to also manipulate their outside circle – that your ex used social media to construct an image of happiness seems to demonstrate this.

    • #73277
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Thank you. It’s just sometimes I get these horrible sickening feelings that I was responsible for how it all turned out.
      Rationally, I know it is hard to reality-check a social media post.
      It’s like I internalised his guilt, I’m not sure. What you said is important though – it was a choice on his part. And I think he continues to make that choice by never having accountability, and essentially just erasing me from his life like nothing happened.
      It’s also hurtful when those close to him prop up his choices by covering for him, making excuses for his behaviour, collaborating in his lies. It fuels the whole “am I really crazy” thought pattern.

    • #71156
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Hi HopeLifeJoy, yes, I was really fretting about this the second time it happened. Even though I don’t want to be pregnant, I also don’t want to have to deal with the process of ending a pregnancy. It’s funny because he says that less sex or lack of sex is a “deal breaker” to him and I feel he expects me to measure up to this, yet doesn’t seem to try meeting my own expectations. I have only really thought about this now.

    • #71140
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Hi maddog, this has been my worry, and sometimes I have wondered whether I am being paranoid. As he has shown disregard for using protection, I sometimes wondered if he’d poke holes in the condom or something. I have heard of this happening before.

    • #71139
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Hi Iwantmeback, can I ask what the book is? As I may look this up. It saddens me that so many women face this issue. I must say that strangely enough, the sulking and silent treatment disturb me more than the disregard of using protection when I have asked time and again to use it. It is disturbing because I feel like it freezes me out, and makes me feel like I have done something really wrong. It is weird how silence like that can get into your head.

      This would have been the beginning of another relationship after the recommended two year wait. It is likely just a guideline though, I have probably rushed into something without being critical enough and attracted some of the same dynamics as before.

    • #71136
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Hi fridges – I agree, it does feel like coercion when it seems he repeatedly disregards what I’ve said. It is a mixture of feeling frustrated and hopeless when he says he understands, and then acts in the opposite manner. I think you are right about the pressure, as I have been feeling under pressure, like having anxiety about going over to see him and worrying whether he will be expecting sex. Thank you for your insight.

    • #71135
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Thanks for your response Tiffany. It still amazes me that a lot of these things occur in retrospect, like when you questioned why you were willing to sleep with someone who disregarded your safety. I am asking myself the same thing. I think it makes it harder to address if they’ve been nice to you in other ways and shown kindness. Even after experiencing this kind of relationship dynamic before, it still seems so hard to reconcile seemingly good characteristics with toxic/abusive actions.

    • #71126
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Thank you Apricotpoppy – yes, that is my worry. He knows that pregnancy is not for me and he tells me he feels the same way, yet if that is the case, why take such a risk? I have been feeling so stupid and irresponsible as I feel I have allowed my boundaries to be compromised. I am considering going to the GP for a test as I strongly believe he has had unprotected sex with all his previous partners. Thank you x

    • #40560
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Thank you Lisa. He has moved on incredibly quickly and is already exploiting the trust of his teenage girlfriend. He once said I couldn’t be on my own (in other words suggesting I’m needy and dependent) when I think I do quite well. It’s him who needs someone but for all the wrong reasons. I think the further away I am from news of him and his life the better I will be, because I end up feeling dreadful whenever something comes up.

    • #40559
      phantasmagorical
      Participant

      Hello, I’m feeling a bit better. It’s just another thing that has to settle into my mind. Not sure I can reveal what the disease is without being really specific, but knowing he is justifying his behaviour because of it got into my head, and yesterday I was wondering if it could have been that. But I think that’s just another way of doubting myself and feeling worse. x

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