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    • #57060
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Thanks so much Sunshine Rain Flower

      People have recommended EMDR for me, but I am not sure what to make of it all. I definitely have some way to go and wouldnt rule anything out.

      This post had to be really heavily edited but I was trying to say I had set up a twitter page to talk about about my experiences as a survivor and hopefully reach out to others. At the moment, this is my coping mechanism.

      xxx

    • #46294
      Pondlife
      Participant

      You poor love. I had a similar thing recently searching for flats, my income was so low landlords werent interested at all. There is a website (detail removed by Moderator) where you can avoid estate agents and agency fees but the prices are still what they are. In terms of jobs, to keep the wolf from the door can you sign up to an agency while you job search so you arent financially struggling as well as looking for work?

      It feels wrong that you arent being better supported. It seems that no wonder women return to their abusive partners all the time- there isnt anywhere for us to go thats safe so we are prey to them. Please seek as much help as you can.

      Best of luck, keep looking

    • #45792
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Like mixed up said you are a great friend, and very self aware

      Its totally normal to feel jealous and to mourn all those things you mentionned. It doesnt mean you arent happy for your friend or any of those things you fear.

      I feel pangs all the time when I look at some of my friends and their partners. Supporting each other, respecting each other, being there for each other. I am delighted for them of course. Its right that these lovely people have good partners and heartening that relationships can be so healthy. Thats why its so hard. We all want that stuff.

      I dont know if you need to tell your friend how you feel, thats up to you. The main thing is being kind and honest and aware with yourself, and you already are doing that- you should be so proud of yourself

      xxx

    • #45791
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Oh you poor love.

      You are still really suffering from being abused, and can’t draw a line because he is still there, in your life, effecting what you do, scaring you, and the worse thing, upsetting your kids! Its terrible as KIP says, crazymaking behaviour.

      Please please try and restrict his access to the kids to a contact centre? Then you can feel more relaxed when he is looking after them. He will regulate his behaviour in a public space.

      Its very normal for you to blame yourself. It isn’t your fault. Nothing anyone does is a justification for abuse. Its hard to see when its yourself- try thinking about it differently. Imagine your sister or your daughter were telling you that he had done to them all the things which he did to you- then imagine they then said, but its my fault, because I did… xyz. You would be outraged and also I bet be horrified that they blamed themself. Please extend that to yourself. Its not your fault, it never is.

      Take care of yourself. Get as much help as you can. Remember, the more help you get and support, the better you will be, and your kids will benefit. If you ever think “I don’t deserve this help” or “Its too much of a fuss”, just think, no, its not, because this help isnt just for me, its for my kids. They deserve help and love and the best.

      Good luck and big hugs xxx

    • #45790
      Pondlife
      Participant

      I agree with Serenity.

      Also, lets face it, DV is so poisonous and dysfunctional, it messes with relationships and social norms. I think people around us, the whole of society, struggle not just with the unpleasantness with it. There are a lot of aspects that make people feel uncomfortable and ill at ease.

      I am still realising just how powerful it is, now I am facing its legacy and aftermath.

      While the domestic abuse is happening, people around us know its happening, and yet dont want it to be happening, so they wilfully ignore it, or ignore you, but that causes them internal struggle, cognitive dissonance. They end up feeling a range of conflicting emotions, from confusion, to anger, to alienation, to helplessness and guilt and often even resentment. Your ex’s family- some of their hostility towards you maybe linked to feeling guilty or ashamed, or just wishing you weren’t there, to remind them of the reality of their own family member’s behaviour.

      Its so so hard. Especially when we are at our most vulnerable, and crave affirmation and support. As victims turned survivors, we are also sensitive to the minutiae of human interaction because when we were abused we were on high alert, every facial twitch, every change of tone would have caused hormonal changes in our bodies as we sensed the threat of attack or the relief of safety. It is not a weakness in us, it is a strength and a sign that we are human, but it makes everything so raw. It is so brave of you to keep going to that place of worship, and facing his family like that- be aware of the stress it is having on your body. I hope I am not talking about of turn here. I am not saying don’t go there, I am saying be kind to yourself.

      It sounds very cheesy, and its an extremely hard thing to do, but the only thing you can do, is stay true to yourself, and look at the long term picture. You have done the right thing in leaving an abusive partner. You have been good to other people in your circle, in your world. You may very well get some short term weirdness, some suspicion. You cant stop people being weird or uncomfortable with you. All you can do is act with consistency and integrity. If you do that, in the long term, people will trust you, and realise you are the honest one. Your ex may tell lies about you, or charm people, or use tricks to get sympathy or allegiance. They wont last because they aren’t real. The people that matter will stick by you.

      In my community, people have been warm and supportive about me leaving the clutches of abuse. My friends and associates are relieved because at various levels they knew or sensed that I was in danger, that things weren’t right. But I know some of my closest and dearest friends and close family are still upset, angry even, that I behaved the way I did for so long. That I lied to protect my abusive ex. That I wilfully put myself in danger, that I ‘chose’ to be in a relationship that was harmful to myself, and could have been harmful to my kids. One of my best and most honest friends, who tried to help me get out of the relationship (I spurned her help as I was scared) said when I offered to babysit, very frankly “I dont trust you with your own kids, let alone mine.”

      Stay strong. You are doing so well xxx

    • #45386
      Pondlife
      Participant

      So hard that you are going through this when your mum is ill. It’s a horrible and familiar feeling when it seems your whole world is in chaos or despair. Like the cogs that keep you going can’t turn

      You are doing amazingly well to stay so positive and focused. Well done and lots of hugs xxx

    • #45385
      Pondlife
      Participant

      That’s really really helpful.

      I think writing this letter helped me but it is a lot to put onto them.

      Also I am trying to kind of fast track a process of recovery and healing which will take a long time and will be about everyday love and decent parenting and slow build up of trust

      Thanks for that insight. It really helps to have perspective from people who have been out of a relationship longer and who can see the wood from the trees. For me it is quite new. I am full of adrenaline and trying to fix stuff.

      Xxx

    • #45364
      Pondlife
      Participant

      I think you and sunshine are right but another thing you can do with memory triggers like clotjes or places is reclaim them. I used to have negative associations with almost everything I touched, from sandwiches to glasses to shampoo, up to the city where my brother lives (my ex’s family lived there so I had visited with him many times.)

      Something’s are easy to reclaim, some impossible, and also it does help if you can (no rush) to replace the bad memories with good ones. You can feel empowered.

      I think that giving your dress to your friend is an excellent solution tho. You don’t totally lose it and it’s still special but you don’t have to open your wardrobe and be confronted by pain.

      The over riding thing is, getting over an abusive relationship is like grief. Its a hard rocky road and we need to be kind to ourselves xxx

    • #44501
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Please don’t crumble. I know you are pining and want some kind of closure, plus you must be feeling after what your current partner said. But remember these men don’t stick to normal rules. You can’t just ‘say goodbye’ or ‘check he is ok’. He will use it! However sensitive and sensible you are, he will manipulate you how he wants. He knows what buttons to press.

      It’s really hard and horrible to have to relive it but remember what it was like to be abused. Put yourself there and remember how life was like being controlled and bullied.

      It’s like giving up smoking or drinking. You dip back in and fall off the wagon, then all that hard work is wasted.

      Can you find out in other ways if he is ok? Mutual friends who can be trusted? Even a bit of social media spying to scratch an itch, anything but contact with him.

      I am now with a lovely guy who respects me and I have been apart from my ex for (detail removed by Moderator). My family are so relieved, even my daughters who weren’t allowed to see him but could tell at their young ages how badly be talked to me on the phone. But I have wobbles. I stumbled across his picture the other day and it had a powerful effect on me. But then I reread a social media conversation I had when he accused me and bullied me and just treated me like a piece of s***. No respect or love whatsoever. Take the reins on this. Stay away.

      Sorry to lecture xxx

    • #44500
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Excellent. Most hard hitting bit for me;
      “And of all the words LIAR
      Was the one I hate most
      I lied cause you blocked me
      From everyone close”

      I got accused of being a liar so much… Any vague inconsistency got me branded as a liar. It made me feel sick.

      Well done. In lots of ways!!!

    • #44499
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Yay well done!!!
      You deserve it

    • #44488
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Thanks all for your kind words but so sad for what you have been through. The censorship and self censorship that happens in abuse… It’s horrendous. Much love to you all xxx

    • #43732
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Feel so much for you right now.

      Please don’t think this is about you. It isn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong. Abusive people look for anything and everything to bring you down. Literally, the tiny things I used to do that would mean the whole weekend was a write off or I would be assaulted. Leaving a light on. Letting a door bang a fraction too loud. Reading when on a bus. Even, I am not exaggerating… breathing in a loud way when cold.

      If he hurt you he could hurt others. Leaving him and reporting him was brave and vital.

      It is so hard because they leave their mark and it takes a long time to stop the internal monologue of criticism.

      Lots of love and hope you feel lighter soon xxx

    • #43677
      Pondlife
      Participant

      What an amazing relief to be understood… Thanks so much for replying.

      I don’t have an outreach worker or anything yet, but I am hoping to be able to face up to my ongoing issues when I get counselling… They did it would be quite a waiting list so I am glad I am already on it. I had my initial assessment in (detail removed by Moderator). I was still with him then, but I did manage to get out quite a lot of what was happening and the assessor was really good and took me seriously. I might just give them a phone call and see how much longer it might be.

      Having people around who understand is so good. I am hoping they refer me to group therapy too. I want to support others too.

      Thanks again everyone.

    • #43637
      Pondlife
      Participant

      Find some very simple, manageable form of escapism even if it’s in your head and lasts less than a minute. When you work and have three kids you can’t always go away or even get out for a walk when necessary.

      I used to feel soothed by simple language learning apps on my phone. They would be quick and absorbing and stop my thoughts spiralling. Since childbirth I also find counting to ten a very calming exercise. Sometimes with kids too. You can do it in your head or if possible out loud. Slowly. It regulates your breathing and has a similar effect to meditating I am told. But I have always been scared off by terms like ‘meditation’ or ‘breathing exercise’ for some reason. Counting seems more manageable.

      You will find your own way. Well done. The main thing is you are your own person. Not under his control anymore. Your time is yours… I mean I know that sounds funny when your days are packed with work and kids but they are. You left him. You did that. Amazing. Well done.

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