Positiveandlookingahead

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi KIP thanks for your message and for always being there. I have an interview next week in a different area that I have experience in and it’s with a firm I walked for before. They have always said they want me back. It’s an opportunity I didn’t take a few years back and it’s strange how the same role has now come up again. I have given my everything to my ex, to the area I was working in and they both haven’t worked for me. I’m learning that sometimes it’s ok to accept that something just isn’t meant to be. This area is a lot less stressful, is more interesting and more suited to my personality. I also get on very well with the head of department too. I am not applying for any other jobs in the mean time I’m having a rest. It’s hard to do this though as my brain is always ticking I can’t stop. I also visited the GP today and I have upped the dose for my anti depressants. I’ve also considered CBT and doing the freedom programme. I’m seeing a personal trainer this week as I have a lot of anger inside because of this. I have spotted when my mood goes down and it’s in the mornings so I need to go for a walk every morning to clearly head. I am trying to be positive about everything and I wont let this all beat me. Private counselling for the abuse was too intense and I will revisit it but I think I need to manage my thinking patterns first. This next week or so will give me the opportunity to go to the gym to exercise, socialise and also do yoga. I’ve also arranged to see a friend I’ve been avoiding. Depression is an awful thing you don’t have the strength to do anything or see anyone and that makes you feel worse. One massive stressor is out of my life now….a very full on role at work and I do feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is my time now to get myself recharged, positive, focused and I want to find some peace within myself. X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

@Lightness and @Appleblossom you are totally right your mental health is so important if anything it’s more important than your physical health! I’ve continued to keep pushing myself and got to a stage where it all got too much and I exploded. I’ve started to help my mum prepare food like chop and peel things it’s amazing how therapeutic it is. It takes my mind off things and I also feel good cos I’m helping my mum out. Got family over now but I’m comfortable enough to know when I need a break. I also recognise when I need to be alone. When I’m back to work on going to be kind to myself each and everyday whether it’s to try a new recipe, do yoga, read a book watch a movie. Life should be exciting and and enjoyable because I’ve left the abusive relationship I am no longer there and mentally I will get to a place when it feels like it no longer affects me. One step at a time I’ve made so much progress in one week alone. I enter this new year with no fighting against him anymore that divorce is granted and no more battling with myself. I have depression and I’m going to find ways to cope with my day to day life and no man will never take advantage of the fact that I have a mental illness I’m far wiser now xxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hey ladies thanks for your kind words 😊. I have seriously taken a step back from everything
I’ve contacted my counsellor and told her I won’t be pursuing it at this time because it’s too painful. I’ve also spoken with my employer confidentially about suffering from depression and they said I should take time off and come back to work when I’m ready and they will have a chat about how to support me. I’m deciding that I’m putting the abuse in a box and I’m locking that box up and throwing it on a river (not literally just theorically). My employer was so understanding and did not judge me for wanting to stop the pain go. I’ve also contacted a mental health charity for support. I think they maybe closed for the Xmas period but I feel so proud to have made that step. I have taken a step back and realised how far I have come. I can and I will do this I still have time to go and I’m thinking of different strategies to get me through my day when things get on top of me
. I don’t think I’ll ever get over being in an abusive marriage but I think with time things will get better. Each day this week I’ve taken small steps like washing up, hoovering slowly tidying up. It’s exhausted me at times but slowly I’m trying to take care of myself and the things around me. Also been cleaning my surroundings. I won’t let this beat me and I would never change my experience I love who I am and what I know so thank you abuser. I think j will get through this and I’m taking time out for myself because I never ever want to be that distressed again. This will not destroy me I’m going to destroy it. Xxxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

It was never you who caused this breakup it was all his doing. You will heal I am sure of it in still trying to be positive despite everything. At least you are in a safe, loving environment with your family. Whatever you think he has is superficial just like he is. They’ll never experience true happiness. They’ll never know what it’s really like to love and we will. They’re the biggest losers out of this not us. Stick in there half of Xmas day has already passed 😊 xxx

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thanks I’m just going to try and rest and sleep. Feel so so drained. I don’t want to be anywhere but in the comfort of my own home. Emotions are all over the place I just want this mental torture to stop! That’s all I want. I actually feel like someone has been bashing my head with a brick. I’m just taking it hour by hour try and look at something positive on my iPad to district my mind or maybe listen to some music x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I woke up today feeling happy that it’s Christmas but now I feel so angry that my mum and police intervened yesterday. It’s my choice it’s my consequences and my decision!!!!! I have to again go through the mental torture for yet another day. I know they care about me but that doesn’t stop me from being angry!!!!!!!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

You ladies are amazing. I’ve got tears in my eyes. Thank you for your kind words. Can’t wait to just rest tonight. What a painful day nut what do they say the only way from being down is being up. Keep breathing, do everything slowly and mindfully we have got this x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Please don’t try it I tried it today and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever tried to do. We can’t let them win cos if we end our lives that’s exactly what we are doing. I know it’s so difficult but we got to keep helping one another and try and overcome this. I don’t think I can ever forget the look on my dad’s face today utter and complete pain. But I’m also in pain as well it’s constant it isn’t fair on me either. Just take this Xmas holiday slow and take time for yourself

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you all for your lovely messages. I’m so glad I have you all here it means so much. Yes therapy is stopping it’s too much I’m not stable at the moment. I’ve felt every single emotion today. Anger, shock, pain, confusion, completely dead inside. I have never attempted to take my own life before but trying to do it has made me realise how low I really am. It’s also been a huge release and a huge sense of relief getting that out of my system. The two police officers that came were both men and they were so understanding about domestic abuse and about depression and anxiety it shocked me. They were so compassionate towards me and they encouraged me to see the crisis team. I think this has been a long time coming. I’m just so glad I live in this country where there is help. You’ve all been so kind. I know I’m not out of the woods today was really traumatic and has shocked me x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I could have been that one statistic today. Feel so terrible x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi thanks for your help. I’m home now. It’s the therapy that is making me feel like this. I’m taking some time off work and going to sleep rest go for walks and do yoga. It’s been such a traumatic day for us all as a family. So scary.i just want to lie in a blanket with my mum and that’s what I am going to do. X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I tried to take a  overdose. Police just came and an ambulance was ordered. I’m going to see mental health specialists crisis team at the hospital with my mum

[Positiveandlookingahead]

I’ve had several breakdowns over the last couple of days and have said that I don’t want to be here. Today I had suicidal thoughts I just wanted to take some painkillers to numb the pain. I rang the Samaritans as soon as I felt like that. I’m going to tell my parents tomorrow how low I feel it’s awful. Therapy is reliving the abuse my body feels like I’m being pulled at from my feet and all my organs are being pulled out. It’s almost as if there is poison inside me from being married to him and it’s being removed from my body. It’s so painful I can’t sleep, I can’t focus, I can’t think straight everything is going round and round in my head. I’m mentally and physically exhausted. My birthday is coming up in a few months it’s a big one and I cannot believe what has happened to me. My body my mind my heart and emotions are finally acknowledging what a harrowing thing that I have been through. Talking to a therapist has made me realise that I was in an abusive relationship. I’ve had nightmares of reaching out to him and contacting him and even getting back together with him!!!! He was even trying to kill me by strangling me as a punishment for leaving him. He did tell my dad he would never see my face again and this actually started to happen. I feel so so so much distress, anxiety and so unstable. They say therapy is supposed to help but it’s making me feel worse right now. I’m not in any danger now how did I ever manage to stay with such a vile person? I have no self belief of confidence anymore I don’t trust anyone and have become similar to him in the sense of I have become a recluse!!! I don’t want to see anyone or socialise or do anything what’s happening to me who am I and what’s going on with my body and my mind I feel so distressed please help x

[Positiveandlookingahead]

It’s really drained me and taken it out of me. I have snoozed on the sofa most of the day just felt so lethargic didn’t get out of bed until 12p. I think its really hit me talking to a professional face to face it’s awful saying it all out loud. I rested as much as I could today because it was really tough. I understand that we have to start from the beginning and I have to talk about how we first met and what it was like but the thought of talking about him in a positive light absolutely violates me!!!! I’ve frlt so many emotions I’ve felt angry, heartbroken, devastated, pure betrayal, numb and in utter and complete shock that someone could be this evil to me. It’s going to get worse before it gets better I keep saying that I need fo get this dirt out of my system it’s good for me to do this. X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thank you all it’s very triggering though I’ve decided to do it once Im in a really good place mentally. I’ve come so far but I’ve only just started therapy. I’m going to write about my experience and also the difficulties and misunderstandings I faced in an ethnic minority community. There was nothing out there for me to connect with when I left him and there were so many hurdles I faced with my community I had family friends actually phoning my parents and saying they’ll sit down with both families and hkp sort it out! It was none of their business jlw dare they interfere and tell me to go back to an abusive man! Kip i cant wait to see your play. Together we can change things and help others noone really understands what it is that we have, we are continuing to and will be facing because of these vile vile vile individuals x

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