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    • #153067
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Thankyou I’m on school run now I’ve left early so I can escape. Sometimes he isn’t abusive for a while and I think I’m safe but as soon as something he doesn’t like pops up the abuse begins again. I have a few friends I’ve told who have offered to have the kids for me if I need them to on the weekend. We have one daughter together who is (detail removed by moderator) tbh I was going to have a termination with her I am so glad I didn’t as she has bought me much joy and happiness to my life and I don’t regret it for a second jusf wish it was with someone who had more compassion and less selfish ways.
      I haven’t posted for a while as I post then don’t leave as I feel to scared to leave and not have my daughter all the time because I don’t want his influence on her without me there if you know what I mean.
      I hate the thought of him having her on weekends etc he had access to his older kids so would defo fight me for it.
      She’s my world and I don’t want to lose her or have him bad mouth me to her.
      I think sometimes he’s being nice and he does the odd nice thoughtful thing but the abuse always starts now I’m getting silent treatment.
      I hate I’m still feeling pregnant and carrying this round with me it’s a really horrible feeling he doesn’t get it.
      (detail removed by moderator) he blames me for anything that goes wrong. Now he’s shouting at me because this miscarriage isn’t a good time for him he has to work. Pleads poverty but has money I’m not stupid he isn’t skint like a normal skint.
      I jsur know when I have to go through the process of losing this baby he will prob fake an interest but won’t care really.
      He seems angry I’ve lost the baby like I’ve caused it it’s hard to explain but angry all the time.
      Just want (detail removed by moderator) so they can check again and I can start the process and hopefully be over it for Xmas day for the kids.
      He always shouts at me and puts me down it’s depressing my life is depressing.

    • #137217
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      It’s hard to accept it is rape because in the end I say yes to keep the peace and keep him happy even though I don’t want to do it. I read a post I did this time last year and he was doing it then aswell he’s probably being doing it for the whole year and it happens so much I forget about it.
      I wake up everyday thinking he will want sex today and if I do it today I get tomorrow off but not always sometimes it’s daily.
      The other day he said he wasn’t happy because I wasn’t giving him oral sex enough maybe I don’t want to so I know I’m going to have to do that soon because he won’t let it go.
      I hate how he holds my head in one place and I can’t move away from him 🙁
      He’s gone out for a bit now so I get a break I love it when he’s not here. He went for a night out recently I loved it but even then he was messaging me it was the best night of my life that I could watch what I want on tv I could text me family I could watch a film with my kids without him there. I wish he would go out more he never goes out and has hardly any friends.
      I know I have to have sex tonight though dreading it.

    • #137193
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Oh yes he says and does exactly the same.

    • #137171
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Thanks all helps so much it’s so hard to see the wood from the trees sometimes. He plays the most awful mind games on a daily basis with me so nice today but I still feel it under the niceness you know what I mean like it is nothing genuine .
      I’m sick of him bringing up sex we were out having food and he’s bringing it all up again like I have zero else to think about but it’s like he owns me when he says it it’s draining I laugh it off but I’m tired of it. I’m a person not an object for him.
      He says all the nice things but I’m always nervous because I don’t know when mr nasty is coming back out to play.
      Last night he was kickin off as I was (detail removed by moderator) abs that’s now allowed but he speaks to who he wants I never say a word I don’t care why would I.
      Then all night he was moody till he wanted it again and I had to do it to keep the peace then he was back to being nice and all was ok.
      It’s so draining living this life of pleasing someone then I try to stop and he kicks off again and your trapped with kids in the house u can’t just run off u have to think things through. Who knows if he would hit me I don’t trust him in that way.
      Everyday is hard I’m living a lie I told my best friend a bit via text (detail removed by moderator) then tofsh he made me put up pics of us on social media after I told my friend so she’s going to look at those and not take me seriously now he forced me to put pics up of fake happiness.

    • #137086
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      I’ve jsur called him about something my friend told me he flipped out down the phone accused me of trying to (detail removed by moderator). It was actually nothing to do with the conversation so he’s going to kick off later I really want to leave 🙁

    • #137084
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Thanks all so much for replying to me and your right I know you are. Last night he came home with that face again really disturbs me then he kept asking me for hugs and why don’t you hug me anymore drives me nuts I have the baby and other kids all day then him sucking the life out of me all night either rowing on me or being so so needy.
      It’s one or the other with him there’s never an in between I’ve noticed .
      I feel horrified when I read how others get beaten up and things it’s awful then I feel grateful he doesn’t hit me which he does tell me well at least Ive never hit you etc
      I’m being evicted from my house soon as the LL is selling so I’m stressing about that situation too 🙁

    • #136991
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Hi KIP such a strong support on here for us all. I feel like it is not bad Enough to leave him like sometimes it is ok and he doesn’t hit me so it’s ok. I know it’s not but I feel a fraud to what other go through on here.
      I know if I tried to end it he would make my life very hard indeed.

    • #136984
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Thanks so much your right he is a dictator he’s exactly that. I want to cry because I’ve caused this on us all and I didn’t want this for us. He’s not abusive everyday it comes and goes he has good days or good weeks so then I think it’s ok again.
      Some of the old behavior he has stopped since my daughter was born but 70% of it is still there. He’s a good dad to her spends lots of time playing with her and loving to her so I feel bad if I take her away from him as well . I am going ring the helpline see if they can suggest anything for me to do. Thanks so much x

    • #136976
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Thanks for both of your replies. It really stressed me out (detail removed by moderator) it was late I was tired and I just wanted to go to bed.
      I know you say it’s rape but I went along with it in the end so it just feels like all the other times.
      Sometimes it’s like it’s not about the sex it’s about the power of it or something.
      I’m not there just to keep him happy but that’s how it feels and he knows I didn’t want it so why pursue it and pretend to be nice before it.
      Makes me so stressed thinking about it knowing if I don’t do it then I causes the silent treatment and arguments.
      When I’m on my monthly cycle he makes me make sure he’s sorted out like it’s such a chore for him to wait a few days so I don’t even get much of a break then anymore .
      I’ve got four kids I don’t know how I can leave one is in his last year at school it’s so stressful isn’t it being trapped like this.

    • #136199
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      He came down and started shouting because I had one of his (detail removed by moderator) this morning as I have non and can’t go to the shops.
      Then he started shouting that I don’t show love that I’m (detail removed by moderator). I’ve tried to be nice he blanks me and ignores me then when I stop being nice and stop speaking I’m a cold hearted person who’s (detail removed by moderator).
      He said he’s leaving after Xmas he won’t it’s all a lie. I’m just trapped in this house with the constant torture daily when he comes down and he sneaks down to so quietly so I can’t hear trying to catch me on my phone.
      Hate living like this I really do it’s the worst I’m so so depressed

    • #136198
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      He’s kicking off again can’t be line I’ve got to go through another day of this I can’t do it 🙁

    • #137170
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Thanks so much very similar and what I’m experiencing also. Like today we went out with the kids had a nice day but he makes sexual remarks then he went off on one saying (detail removed by moderator).
      He was making sexual remarks in a secret to me so the kids didn’t hear and being overly nice but I still feel like there’s an aggressive undertone to what he’s saying. Like (detail removed by moderator) things like this he was saying and it doesn’t feel sincere to me like it’s fake and cringeworthy because tomorrow he might change to the other character he plays.
      Like last night he blew up after work as I was (detail removed by moderator) so I don’t actually.
      So then I feel I can’t speak when he’s there I would never do that to him or make him feel like that.
      Then he wanted you know what again and once again I had to go through with it past midnight I was tired too.
      It’s like I’m just there for him but then he’s nice and then I think we’ll things aren’t that bad but they are.

    • #136176
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      That look is the worse I hate it the best is when he is doing his silent treatment then my parents turn up out the blue then he acts so nice to me and them and I dread them leaving as he reverts back right away it’s all controlled .

    • #136174
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      He only gives me that shouts if I ask for more. Sometimes though he can switch and be generous and buy me things on a whim mainly stuff I haven’t asked for but he buys stuff we don’t need like (detail removed by moderator) when my daughter needs (detail removed by moderator).
      I kept asking for (detail removed by moderator) and he was moaning she (detail removed by moderator) I kept saying can I have the money for her (detail removed by moderator) for weeks then one day (detail removed by moderator) after he fell out with me and wouldn’t speak for days then he took her for the (detail removed by moderator) without asking me what ones it was her first (detail removed by moderator). I felt like that was a tactical thing he did aswell like games all the time.
      It’s so hard to explain isn’t it but you guys understand.
      He got better with the money thing after I told his mom and she had a word but he slips back to his old ways and pays me like a 1940’s wife when I work too.
      My sons aren’t his so he never helps toward them he has lots of money in the bank has a good job he isn’t short at all. He will watch me struggle to get the rent money though one month a few months ago he said he would give me more that month to my bills as Xmas coming up I kept asking for it after he offered then he give it me but threw it on the floor like I’m a dog it’s horrible behaviour.

    • #136173
      Rainbowcloud
      Participant

      Hi yes he shouts in my face rages in my face a lot he explodes. He threw a (detail removed by moderator) over my head before my daughter was born that was horrible made me cry.
      He’s threw me on the bed and held me down bes massive because he was trying to smash up my phone he bruised me all over but he hasn’t done them things since my little girl was born but he still shouts in my face. I can’t argue back he shouts in my face so loud.
      I don’t want my daughter to think it’s normal or my sons but my sons know what he is like now.
      Like I said sometimes things are calm for weeks sometimes snd it all feels normal then a cycle starts been in this one a month on and off now.
      It is scary because he doesn’t hit me but he doesn’t need to then he gives me silent treatment won’t look at me when I try to speak or totally blanks me but speaks to our daughter.

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