Rainbowdream

[Rainbowdream]

I will certainly try thankyou.
I’ve asked the midwives to refer me to the mental health team. They offered at my booking in but I said i didn’t need it then.
Hopefully I can get some help and build up again.
I hope things are in a period of calm for you now too.

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou.
I guess while things are calm I will try to regroup and recover mentally.
If things kick off again then I will need my strength to leave. He’s been given every opportunity now. So yeah I guess that’s it

[Rainbowdream]

Thanks for your response. I spoke briefly either my idva and have decided I need to prioritise my mental health right now.
Since speaking to my partner his behaviour has been much better towards me and our kid so at the moment things are in a stable position where I can ask for help.
I find it hard to talk on here as its very limited what you can actually say. Understand why it’s necessary but I find it hard to use this platform for support and I’ve basically been told by the womans aid chat that i need to go to my idva and can’t keep using the chat service.

[Rainbowdream]

I know i should know what he is, I’ve had enough people tell me, yet I still can’t seem to connect that. I still feel like I must be wrong, it must be something I’m doing, it’s not actually that bad ect ect.
And thankyou, I just feel guilty when I’ve actually had fairly decent help and support and I’m still just a mess.
Thankyou

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou x

[Rainbowdream]

Nothing to disclose.
Couldn’t talk in detail as, like you said, they have a duty to act if I reported either rape or serious sexual assault.
They did a DASH assessment and put me high end of medium risk.
So now I don’t know what to do. Its been so long, he’s not changed. I feel like his agreement to do a healthy relationship type course is just to shut me uo qnd stop me from leaving. I don’t feel any better since we agreed to do that and now since talking to police I’m just a mess

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou for this response it’s been so helpful towards me understanding what might happen.
I’ve spoken to rapecrisis before and they have said it’s rape. If that the case then if I told them and they spoke to him I’d never be able to be home again I’d have to leave, it wouldn’t be safe for me or my kids to stay if he knew I’d said something to the police.
I really want to be honest with them but it makes it hard thinking it could potentially change everything before I’m ready

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou for sharing this information. I think I’ll share with them my concerns at the start regarding then intervening and him being aware I’ve spoken to them as I fear it would cause further problems and I’m not quite ready to leave.
It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. I really need clarification on what I’m experiencing and I really want to do my best to protect my toddler and baby on the way. But it’s scary

[Rainbowdream]

Yeah thankyou, I think I now realise that my step dad passed away there was elements of abuse in our household. Aswell as a terrible relationship with my dad essentially didn’t give a crap about me. Which I think shows in my partners emotional and psychological abuse and i was sexually abused as a kid too and have had so many issues since of being taken advantage of without me even really knowing which explains why I tolerate so much of that from him.
After a horrible weekend of again putting our toddler in danger and again forcing me to do things in the bedroom I think it’s just switched something in my brain now and I’m done. It shouldn’t be too much to ask for my toddler to be safe in his own house with his own dad while I’m at work!

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou for your response, may I ask what happened?
I am concerned, but I also suffer from PTSD from childhood abuse and that leaves me constantly doubting my abilities to assess for danger. I wouldn’t leave the house if I listened to it all the time. It just makes everything trickier x

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou, I will speak to her an express my fear and anxiety I a bit more and hopefully come up with something where I don’t feel so anxious.
I don’t know why, but I don’t feel like I can just leave with no warning or without justification. I feel ridiculous still. Whereas if he doesn’t accept what professionals are saying or at least willing to attempt to learn how to behave better then I feel like I’m justified in leaving.
Thankyou, it feels like it’s been a whirlwind but I’ve since noticed how it started right from the beginning but I never noticed xx

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou for your response, I spoke to womans aid on the chat and they suggested I really raise my anxiety with my idva on Tuesday. I’ve only ever really expressed my fear about sharing a bed with him and not my fear of violence.
I understand what you’re saying, a large part of it probably is for my own benefit. But I can say to myself and my children that 100% this was daddy’s choice. I don’t want to feel guilty for potentially destroying a relationship that’s gonna have a huge impact on the kids without knowing I did everything I could to make it work.
I guess I’ll see what my idva has to say.
We didn’t have a good night last night with him drinking and him being pushy in the bedroom again so he’s stepping up his behaviour again

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou, I’ll raise these points when I speak to my IDVA. I appreciate your advice.

[Rainbowdream]

I don’t know, I’ve never been in this situation before.
My IDVA knows the plan and wants to go through a safety plan with me before I speak to him but I’m kind of doing it under thier advice really so I’m not sure. She did say about possibly doing it in a public place 🤷‍♀️

[Rainbowdream]

Thankyou,
Yeah fortunately I trust his childminder alot and am able to have open communication with her about everything regarding him. However approaching this with a larger nursery setting is going to be tricky. But hopefully I’ll be able to get some info from social on what I cam do to help him with his behaviour. Thankfully I’ve worked with children with challenging behaviour before so have alot of tactics and methods to deescalate calmly but I so feel its different with your own kids.

I am also hoping this setting will be a great space for him to thrive and to release alot of the anxieties his dad has given him already.

Fingers crossed things will get better and calmer for us, but I actually have to tell him first what’s happening and that’s going to be so scary. I have no idea how he’s going to react or if I can even do it. A huge part of me is so doubtful of myself, my decisions and my abilities to be a single parent and still really struggling to actually acknowledge the situation properly as everytime I try to, I breakdown.

Thanks for your advice

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