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    • #173278
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Why me ? just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse my coercive partner finds out he has (disease removed by Moderator) just can’t fight anymore feel like his won again now I feel guilt. His family treating me like shit telling me I should be more caring  and look after him why are these voices so loud

    • #172121
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi Toofarr I hear what you say I understand how that all feels xxx

    • #172100
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I wish I hadn’t told any one every time I get passed onto someone else they then tell me I’m in crisis then have to wait 6 to 8 weeks to be passed on to someone else who tells me to do breathing exercises tells me I’m not on my own who then thinks everything is OK or passes me on to someone else who tells me I’m in crisis tells me I’m not on my own then wait  6 to 8 weeks to do breathing exercises and told I’m not on my own so I hate it when people say your not on your own I hate it when they tell you your in crisis while all the time you are tring to get out find somewhere to live walking on egg shells and keep a full-time job keep house and put all his needs first because he’s coercive but it ok play some water music and breath smile and listen to all the hurtful things he says to while he follows you round to work all the time playing the victim and making other see you as the monster

    • #171693
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi it’s been some time and I would love to say I’m free but no still on this hamster wheel. Feel like I’ve waited to long to get off because now he’s telling me he has a tumor.

    • #169615
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Still here no further on still in spare room going round and round getting nowhere been back to Councillor opened up about childhood trauma blood pressure is through the roof taking blood pressure tablets found out I’m codependent more confused than before still looking for a house feel like work is dragging me down feeling very low at the moment just can’t take any more home, work,relationship I’m just so angry and tired..

    • #169522
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I am the same I feel like time has moved on but I’m still in the same place with no home to call my own I just have to fight my way through every day not to upset him by a look or a word what I wear. I’m just so tired and I feel like I’m right back at the beginning.

    • #169345
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi its been a few weeks I had to go back to the doctor’s as my blood pressure is (detail removed by Moderator). now my therapist has ended her sessions and told me I’m codependent. What am I ment to do now…. just when I think I’m balancing my boat he makes a comment that he is going to (detail removed by Moderator) then he tells me it’s a joke. I am feeling a little scared now.

    • #168704
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Well I’m here again the car has broken the (detail removed by moderator) and he is making out that I’ve broke it and he is going to have to put himself out next week to take me to work. I have already told him I can make my own way to work. I’m just so tired so many problems and no solution. I feel like I’m spinning plates juggling eggs and fire eating all at the same time by the end of the day my plates are smash my eggs are all broken and I’ve burnt of all my hair.Thats my day I climb into bed cry myself to sleep and face it all again tomorrow.

    • #167018
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I’m feeling very lonely at the moment he has isolated me from family and friend I go to work but I am with colleagues but I feel alone in my thought a troubles. I am surrounded by people but very lonely.

    • #166732
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I was talking to my Councillor awhile ago and she opened my eyes to my coercive boyfriend. Then we talked some more then it came out the boyfriend before this was coercive too at Christmas time she told me it session weren’t helping. Now I find myself back talking to her about my childhood. It’s hard to say the word’s I was abused as a child by my (detail removed by Moderator) and when we told our mother she told us to stop being silly that he was her (detail removed by Moderator). It has took many years to say these words at first I felt like a huge weight was lifted but now All the thought are fluiding in the shame,dirty,and why did I not stand up and shout to more people This is why I feel alone in the dark..

    • #166160
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi I can fully understand I have been sleeping in the spare room now for some time I to do not want a refuge place. It started out lovely looking at places to rent but who can afford nearly 1000 pound a month rent with out bills. I’m so tierd I just feel like there’s no way out. He has won again. I feel like I’m back at the beginning. I’m on repeat. That was exhausting I don’t have the energy to do it all again. Sending you much love

    • #165474
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Found it very hard the last 2 months felt like everyone had given up very much on my own doctors didn’t get back in touch so no antidepressants colleagues have stopped asking me how I am Councillor has stop seeing. My family have not been in touch ethier. That was my circle so now I’m back to just me (detail removed by moderator)

    • #165470
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Thank you all so much for the hugs just feeling a little lonely at the moment.

    • #164862
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Yes me to find positive moments or happier moments be kind to yourself xxx

    • #164607
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi, the night and day’s blur together days and weeks drag and fly by. I long for a day to smile and feel the sun on my face and be free and at peace. I long to feel connected. A hug a chat me time. I just so tierd of feeling sad. I’m exhausted.

    • #164464
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi your post sounds like your living my nightmare. I see you and I feel your pain I wish I could do more than to answer with some lame words as I am getting nowhere myself. People who are or have never experienced it don’t fully understand how it stripes you of your identity not knowing who you are and what you like as you don’t get given them to not have friends to talk to making up excuses because you are not allowed friends or to go out. At first you don’t see it you feel like they love you and they are protecting you but grows and grows until its so big it concum your life your family your friends your work your world crushing you with his words and actions chipping away at you until there’s nothing but a cold empty shell that brittle and if touched it will shatter into dust. With no one to turn to no one to talk to they cut you off paralysed with fear who is going to believe you when you say it back to yourself it sounds stupid and silly. Stay safe xxx

    • #164438
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi, I have just broken up from work to. 2 weeks of and I hate it just the thought of going back and everyone asking did you have a nice Christmas. The arguments the moaning the hiding in other rooms so I don’t have to listen or talk to him. Work think everything is OK now as it’s been some time.. I had to smile so much this month at work I think they see everything as being fine now. I hated today cooking washing having him moaning like a spoiler kid what about me… I didn’t get a gift on the bottom of the bed. I am hiding in the spare room now pretending to be asleep. I walked the dog earlier in the rain seeing families inside playing games or watching TV.Always on the outside looking in. All I wanted for Christmas was a hug. The works Christmas party was hard he kept texting when you coming home. I had to drive, so I didn’t drink. I was not allowed to drink.I was in a room full of people, but yet I felt so alone. I hate feeling this way. Holding my breath as he walks past as he might snap that I’m looking at him or breathing wrong. Finding a moment to take a shower while his out the house. Why do people not see his true colours. Just us for Christmas as he has pushed his family away and mine. This is the only space now I have to talk my Councillor said it was not beneficial at work so I don’t have her to talk to now. Finding it very lonely sorry to waffle

    • #163819
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I live my life in fear I lie awake at night a creak on the floor is he coming. Only having a shower when he leaves the house. Not going out a lunch time incase he is driving past work. I feel like I’m holding my breath and when I step into work I take the biggest gasp of air. I felt so alone that no one would understand how or what I was going through.I spoke to the council I spoke to the doctor I spoke to work counciling was given. Posted on here. I felt like I was seen and heard. Sleeping in spare room. Thinking wher I want to be in 3 years. Far away from where I am right now. Wait I can’t wait 3 years I just want to step out of my skin and walk no run, run as fast as I can for as long as I can And not look back. It’s like my life is on repeat and everyone is just following a script. I AM ALONE. Stuck in a loop. Groundhog day. I just can’t figure out what I’m ment to do. Pie crust promises easily made and easily broken.

    • #163106
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Just when I think it can’t get any worse my father tells me has a secret and he has kept it for (detail removed by Moderator) plus years so now even my childhood has been a lie. I hate the weekends as I can’t get out of the house. So I’ve had can you just fetch this for me can you get me a drink have you put my washing on. I feel like I’ve opened up and talked about it and now I’ve been dropped and forgetting about. I just want to put my head on the floor it feels so heavy. My back is in bits sleeping in the spare room. Found it so hard to post on here as he asks me where I’m going every time I get up of the sofa.

    • #162990
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      It’s been sometime it’s hard to get any time to myself. I’ve never felt so alone and tired. I’m still trying to look for somewhere to live.

    • #161738
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I feel so lonely at the moment. Feel trapped at home. I have to wait till he goes to bed. I don’t know how much more I can take. Looking for a place to live isn’t easy. Trying not to react to his mean comment and hold back the tears. I feel so tierd and sick.

    • #161479
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      The boss came to see me yesterday and asked where was I living now. I feel like a complete failure when I told him I’m still at home. I felt like he was judging me. Just like when I went to the doctor’s he told me the crisis team would ring they didn’t. I feel like I’m back to the beging I’ve opened up made myself very vulnerable and ill. Time to put on the mask and start putting up walls. I can’t take any more pain.

    • #161356
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I feel like I’m in a battle with confusion, fear and sadness

    • #161355
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I find my self sat in the car with fear that I’ve just booked a doctor’s appointment why am I so scared I seem to fear everything at the moment. It’s like a secret mission sat in my car down a road round the corner for the doctor’s just in case he drives past and see my car what has my life come to.

    • #161201
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      I have been tidying the (detail removed by Moderator) to stay in. I have got in touch with the council as I can’t find a property. Just got to wait now. I feel like the conversation we had about me not wanting to be with him any more never happened. I don’t know how he is going to take me moving in the (detail removed by Moderator). I am just so tierd.

    • #168502
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi it’s me just feel like a complete failure can’t find a property my daughter has put a lock on her bedroom door so I feel like she has locked me out so feel rejected and to top it this week I was ment to have a call back from the doctors that was booked 3 weeks ago as I can’t get an appointment have to have call backs they said she called me and I did not answer now I’ve got to make another appointment. Why is it I have to fight everything just so tierd of failure and rejection. I just feel so alone why can’t I get a break. Feel like I’ve got a target on my back

    • #166390
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Hi secret6 I here you I don’t want a refuge I don’t want to de homeless I have worked all my life to have the things I’ve got I’m not lucky enough to have things just handed to me I work now and rental pri es are massively heigh all I want is a place for me and my things to be safe. I have no friends as he has skillfully isolated me. I have been saving a little money each month of my wages without him knowing which scares the shit out of me if he finds out. I wish I had the answer to give you but I so tired and exhausted and yes I feel so alone because I feel like I’m just going around in circles so I hear and feel your pain xxx take care secret6 xxx

    • #165181
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Thank you waterside sorry it’s taken so long to reply it been hard to get any time to post as he has been around me most of the Christmas holiday so I felt like he has been watching every move. Thank you for the kind words my councillor said the same to me but it just doesn’t seem brave just feel stupid that you can’t just get up and walk away.

    • #164452
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Thank you for the hug. No, I don’t have any friends. They don’t ask anymore, made so many excuses over the years. I feel like no one is listening or believes me. Last time I went to the GP I felt like he was judging me.

    • #163182
      Ricepudding
      Participant

      Thank you swanlake but my Councillor at work just dropped me and said it was unhealthy in my work place so that 3 things now that have let me down doctors housing and my Councillor I’m very much on my own. Thought I felt crap before all this, but now I know.

Viewing 24 reply threads

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