Forum Replies Created
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AuthorPosts
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18th November 2022 at 10:13 pm #151972
Risingup
ParticipantHi,
I can completely relate to everything you said. I sorry you and your children have gone through this. These men take zero responsibility for their behaviour. They will always blame someone else for their behaviour or minimise it. I find that there is no point even bringing up any of their behaviour as it can just lead to more aggression or us being made to feel like we are going crazy.
I was completely shocked when the domestic abuse advisor told me that my relationship was physically abusive. He occasionally throws objects and smashes cupboards etc. its like I didn’t want to accept that these acts were physical. I do know, that all though these acts were few and far between over the last 15 years. They have created a space where me and my children are scared. We know what he is capable of and therefore mindful of how we interact with him. There is always that fear in the back of my mind.I have an appointment with a solicitor booked and I am so frightened to do this next step. I know my children would not want to live separate from him but can I allow them to continue to witness this and be fearful in their own home?!
You take care and thank you for your post. It has made me feel not so alone this evening xx
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1st November 2022 at 8:35 pm #151358
Risingup
ParticipantJust sending you a hug and support. I am not in the same position in terms of visa but I am trying to leave an emotionally, verbally and financially abusive partner. I do understand from that perspective. Rights for women were great and they can direct you to solicitor who specialise in domestic abuse. You take care and let us know how you get on xx
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18th October 2022 at 8:49 pm #150930
Risingup
ParticipantIt makes me so happy when you describe how your children are feeling and how they are comfortable in their home. It really rings true for me….. myself and children always sit upstairs in house and abuser always downstairs.
I think you are so brave and actually reading your story gives me hope that I can also be free from this abuse.
I had to call Refuge today as I started to feel really low and really trapped again. She spoke to me and reminded me of my plan and what to do in an emergency. It was so nice to talk to someone who really understands abuse.
Thanks again for sharing your story and giving myself and others on here hope.
As you say, you have a lot of things to sort out but you will get there! Look how far you’ve come xx -
15th October 2022 at 8:11 pm #150826
Risingup
ParticipantHi,
Thank you for sharing what’s happened. You are strong and powerful! Although you are right in the middle of it all. Keep in mind what your kids said! They feel safe! And just keep an eye on the next step not the whole staircase.
You are absolutely right, the right legal advice is so important. I contacted Rights for Women who were able to recommend solicitors in my area who are experts in domestic abuse.
Please keep posting and let us know. I will do the same xx -
12th October 2022 at 7:17 pm #150713
Risingup
ParticipantHey,
Thank you for the message.
I really don’t feel brave. I feel really scared all the time. I’m meeting with a lawyer (detail removed by Moderator) and again I have all this doubt. I’m trying to read over my old journals to convince myself that all this abuse actually happened. It’s crazy what the abuse does to our brains. My abuser always blames me if he gets angry or denies that he did anything wrong. I’m just trying to put one step in front of the other at the moment xx -
10th October 2022 at 8:16 pm #150663
Risingup
ParticipantJust wanted to send my love and welcome you. I can relate 100% to What you are saying. I have experienced all of what you said from my abuser. All of the emotional, verbal and financial plus a serially unfaithful. It’s weird because for so many years I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me….I wasn’t attractive enough, stupid etc etc. Now I know that I was being abused bit by bit my confidence is starting to grow. I am currently seeking legal advice to leave, very frightened at the moment but I now realise it’s the only way for me.
You take care and keep reading others posts and reading about this topic. Take care x -
9th October 2022 at 7:34 pm #150622
Risingup
ParticipantVery true. I have spent goodness knows how many years, literally asking permission to breathe. I’m now making decisions for myself and I need to remind myself that I don’t need to tell him anything x
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9th October 2022 at 2:56 pm #150606
Risingup
ParticipantThat was great! Thank you for posting👍
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9th October 2022 at 8:02 am #150603
Risingup
ParticipantI just wanted to offer some support. I haven’t left my abuser but in the process of planning an exit. This journey is complicated and the range of emotions that we feel is all part of the abuse pattern. The manipulation that they use is what confuses us and forms this ‘fog’. I have been cheated on many times in this relationship. I was gaslighted so many times I started to gaslight myself and make the excuses. It was only the last time he cheated plus all the emotional, verbal stuff has made me 100% sure I want out. I am also aware once I leave I too will still have to deal with the manipulation and the lies.
I find writing in a journal helps, then when he starts being super ‘nice’ etc. I just look over it again and I know that it’s all rubbish.
Sorry I can’t offer much advice. Just wanted you to know how far you have come and you are an inspiration xx -
8th October 2022 at 8:10 pm #150594
Risingup
ParticipantI have also been told not to have any discussion about the relationship. Just get the legal advice and then plan to leave. My abuser is the same. He completely gaslights me at every opportunity, blames me for everything and outright lies. The only possible way that I could talk to him would be in a public place with a mutual friend. I always think that by not talking to him and just leaving or serving him with an order would make him even more angry..However the abuser is so unpredictable that we can not put ourselves and children at risk. If I brought up separation who knows what he would do. He is scary enough when he doesn’t get his way on a normal day. Keep safe! Keep in touch!
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4th October 2022 at 8:50 pm #150470
Risingup
ParticipantIt’s impossible to have a conversation with these men. They take zero accountability. I am in the same position, where I think sitting down with him and telling him why I want to split will be a waste of time. He will blame me and deny everything. I spoke to Rights for Women today who were really helpful and recommended lawyers etc. I feel completely drained. I’m having one of those days where I have to keep reminding myself what he has done to me. I feel like I’ve been minimising the abuse for so many years, that now I am starting to deal with it my mind is playing tricks. Keep strong! X
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2nd October 2022 at 9:24 pm #150380
Risingup
ParticipantAs everyone else has said, you have nothing to feel bad about. Sometimes we need to do things to realise that it’s really what we don’t want. I feel bad even when I have a normal conversation with my partner knowing what I am planning, but why should I feel bad??? Because we have spent years with someone who has made us feel bad about ourselves and eroded our confidence. Chin up and keep going xx
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1st October 2022 at 9:11 pm #150348
Risingup
Participant@AbbeyRoad I could have written your post. My partner was also away for work (detail removed by Moderator). I was so relaxed the whole week when he was away. When I knew he was returning, I started to panic because I knew what was coming! You guessed it! The intense emotional abuse…….critiquing the house. I should have cleaned the house from top to bottom. I don’t need to justify myself to him but you naturally feel you have to when you are being attacked. After spending a few hours being really rude and disrespectful, he then became really friendly. Second guessing my reality and gaslighting me! Take care xx
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25th September 2022 at 9:26 pm #150115
Risingup
ParticipantHow horrible that he is using your child in this way. They know how much we love our children and would do anything for them. I also get abused through my children. I get told not to comfort them when they are upset. My decisions on how to raise them gets overridden and he has now started saying that I am trying to take his children away from him. These are all common tactics from abusers. You stay strong and keep posting. Lots of support here xx
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25th September 2022 at 8:54 pm #150114
Risingup
ParticipantI do know how you feel. I was going through all of our joint paper work today (while he was out). All of this sadness started to overwhelm me. The house and everything that I’d be leaving. I too needed the paper work for when I speak to lawyers. Just remember, baby steps! Let’s not think about the whole staircase. Let’s just speak to a lawyer.
Btw your kids are amazing and so supportive. I haven’t spoken to mine about us leaving but I wouldn’t be surprised it they say the same. Keep posting xx -
24th September 2022 at 10:29 pm #150088
Risingup
ParticipantHi, thanks for your post. I’m in the same position. I’ve had enough. I know I need to get out for myself and kids. I’ve been told by my local domestic abuse charity not to tell him I’m leaving just go! Or if I do want to have that conversation to have it in a public space or with a mutual friend.
Like you say, my abuser says he’s not going anywhere and if I want to go I should go! I am going to contact Rights For Women this coming week. I need to know what I will do if he refuses to leave or if I just leave with kids and then tell him from a distance.
You take care x -
20th September 2022 at 8:31 pm #149984
Risingup
ParticipantI am preparing to leave my abuser. I have done all my research. Planned a place to stay, packed a bag. But the more I think about doing it the more I feel frozen. I am getting support from refuge. Something my support worker said helped ‘don’t think about leaving, just do something everyday that will prepare you. Get all your ducks in a row, keep reaching out for support, research all the financial help you need……Then your strength will grown and you will find your way’ I’m trying to take this advice. The thought of leaving feels me with so much fear. I completely get what you mean. I almost want his to lose it with me one more time to jolt me out. Even though he abuses me everyday, subtly and coercively.
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1st September 2022 at 8:07 pm #149288
Risingup
ParticipantHey Tulip, I’m so glad that you have reached out and had so much support on here. I am still in my abusive relationship, but this week I reached out to Womens Aid and now I’m getting support. I felt sick making that call but it’s amazing to have my feelings validated. I have always been blamed by partner for his abuse. He always accused me of causing his our bursts. I don’t know how I will leave but I know I can’t stay. Take care x
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30th August 2022 at 7:54 pm #149197
Risingup
ParticipantHi, I wanted to offer you my support. Everything you’ve described is abuse. I have been in an abusive relationship for many years. I have experienced a lot of what you’ve described and I know how scary it is, to be around someone when they are aggressive. Well done for reaching out and posting on here. Sending love xx
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26th August 2022 at 8:22 pm #149044
Risingup
ParticipantI’m with you both. I think I’m finally ready to leave. He verbally abused me really badly the other day and said ‘this is enough. I’m scared of him, so having a conversation with him about me leaving is not an option. He will start screaming at me. I’m not sure of the details yet. As you say, I want to settle kids into school too, But he has zero respect for me. I never even get an apology after the abuse, he just goes back to acting normal. I need some legal advice as I need to find out how to get him to leave the property. All these things scare the life out of me. I don’t know how, But I do know that me and my children deserve better and I no longer want to stay in this situation.
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26th August 2022 at 8:11 pm #149043
Risingup
ParticipantWhat lovely posts. I agree with almost everything you have all said. All of the above and just lots of peace, no fear and just freedom! love to you all!
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17th May 2022 at 5:27 pm #143825
Risingup
ParticipantWelcome to the group. I have been on here for last two years. It is so nice to be able to talk to other women who have been through similar experiences. X
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16th May 2022 at 9:28 pm #143781
Risingup
ParticipantOh my goodness. I can relate to all of this. Financial abuse is such a massive trap. Every time I start saving and feeling like I have enough money that maybe just maybe me and kids could break free, he starts on me. Telling me I’m not contributing to house and I need to give home more money for house but refuses to show me bills etc. if I don’t the nastiness will start.
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23rd December 2021 at 10:37 am #135915
Risingup
ParticipantHi Pink Pearl, I just want to offer my support. I feel like I am more or less in the same situation as you. Living with a very controlling partner, who controls mine and children daily routines. Treats me like a child, tells me off in front of kids etc.
I’ve decided I want out but still trying to get my ‘ducks in a row’ and decide the best way to leave. I am scared because I am on the receiving end of his rage so need to keep that in mind when proceeding.
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11th May 2021 at 10:24 pm #125820
Risingup
ParticipantHi,
I just wanted to reach out and say how sorry I am that you have had to go through such awful abuse. Well done for reaching out and sharing your story. That alone, is so brave. I have been in an abusive relationship for many years and I only realised it was abuse recently. Just naming it and recognising it as such has given me strength.Please remember that you were manipulated and taken advantage of someone a lot older than you, who you should have been able to trust
Sending you lots of strength. X
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3rd May 2021 at 6:32 pm #125491
Risingup
ParticipantI had a very similar experience. When the ‘penny dropped’ a year ago that I was in an abusive relationship (prior to that I thought everything was my fault and I needed to work harder at the relationship), it’s crazy, how I was gaslighted for so long.
Anyway, as soon as I started sticking up for myself and defending myself the abuse escalated. Silent treatment, rage etc! I just became overwhelmed and he weakened me! I have made two attempts to leave, but still have not made the final exit. I am hopeful it will be soon.
I agree with the other women. Keep safe! Have a bag packed and get out when it’s safe for you. You are absolutely right when they feel you getting stronger their behaviour escalates.
Sending love and support to you all.
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14th March 2021 at 9:09 am #123214
Risingup
ParticipantHi Swanlake!
Welcome to the forum. I’ve been on here on and off for about a year. It’s such a massive support for me. I feel so alone but just reading and sharing my story helps so much. Xx -
13th March 2021 at 7:59 pm #123165
Risingup
ParticipantHi,
Thank you for starting this thread. I am currently still in my abusive relationship. Almost identical to your experiences. Type in emotional abuse and that I what I’m living through. He is currently in his happy state, which as I’m sure you know can be very confusing. It’s almost like you start to think you were imaging the abuse, as how can this warm human be so cruel??? But then day by day his mood will gradually become more hostile and I will begin to walk on eggshells and will be doing everything I can to try to pacify him but as I’m sure you know there is nothing I can do. The change will come and then one day….he will just invent a problem it could be I shut the door too hard or forgot to put milk on fridge, then that will be it…..shouting, insults you name it, on some occasions items will be thrown! Then the silent treatment will start. Then when he decides he will just begin talking to me again as if nothing has happened and so the cycle goes…..Thank you for being there and sharing your stories. Just reading them has given me a little bit more strength! Xx
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30th October 2020 at 8:11 am #115824
Risingup
ParticipantI just want to add support to everything written in this thread. I found myself nodding to almost every word. I’m in an abusive relationship….like you said very rarely physical and if so not in typical ways. I get gaslighted regularly and often think what have I done? I’m starting to think I’m going crazy! We had a really happy week and then all of a sudden upset with me and have no idea why.
I’m working on myself exercise, taking interest on career etc! Hoping that myself esteem will rise. I need to start to believe that I deserve better.
Hugs to you all xx -
17th October 2020 at 7:51 am #115290
Risingup
ParticipantHi Startingtogo, I just wanted to show my support. I completely understand how painful silent treatment is and the psychological aspect is debilitating What you wrote really resonates with me. I have just come out of 3 week of on off silent treatment. In the end I was so starved and felt so weak that when he started to talk to me, I was so desperate to have any contact that I allowed him in again. The silent treatment originally started because I called him out on his abuse. Writing this down makes me realise how crazy this is….I call him out on being abusive and he stops talking to me. I now realise how trauma bonded I am.
Just reading your post, I can hear your strength, so keep going xx
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