Risingup

[Risingup]

Hi,
I can completely relate to everything you said. I sorry you and your children have gone through this. These men take zero responsibility for their behaviour. They will always blame someone else for their behaviour or minimise it. I find that there is no point even bringing up any of their behaviour as it can just lead to more aggression or us being made to feel like we are going crazy.
I was completely shocked when the domestic abuse advisor told me that my relationship was physically abusive. He occasionally throws objects and smashes cupboards etc. its like I didn’t want to accept that these acts were physical. I do know, that all though these acts were few and far between over the last 15 years. They have created a space where me and my children are scared. We know what he is capable of and therefore mindful of how we interact with him. There is always that fear in the back of my mind.

I have an appointment with a solicitor booked and I am so frightened to do this next step. I know my children would not want to live separate from him but can I allow them to continue to witness this and be fearful in their own home?!

You take care and thank you for your post. It has made me feel not so alone this evening xx

[Risingup]

Just sending you a hug and support. I am not in the same position in terms of visa but I am trying to leave an emotionally, verbally and financially abusive partner. I do understand from that perspective. Rights for women were great and they can direct you to solicitor who specialise in domestic abuse. You take care and let us know how you get on xx

[Risingup]

It makes me so happy when you describe how your children are feeling and how they are comfortable in their home. It really rings true for me….. myself and children always sit upstairs in house and abuser always downstairs.
I think you are so brave and actually reading your story gives me hope that I can also be free from this abuse.
I had to call Refuge today as I started to feel really low and really trapped again. She spoke to me and reminded me of my plan and what to do in an emergency. It was so nice to talk to someone who really understands abuse.
Thanks again for sharing your story and giving myself and others on here hope.
As you say, you have a lot of things to sort out but you will get there! Look how far you’ve come xx

[Risingup]

Hi,
Thank you for sharing what’s happened. You are strong and powerful! Although you are right in the middle of it all. Keep in mind what your kids said! They feel safe! And just keep an eye on the next step not the whole staircase.
You are absolutely right, the right legal advice is so important. I contacted Rights for Women who were able to recommend solicitors in my area who are experts in domestic abuse.
Please keep posting and let us know. I will do the same xx

[Risingup]

Hey,
Thank you for the message.
I really don’t feel brave. I feel really scared all the time. I’m meeting with a lawyer (detail removed by Moderator) and again I have all this doubt. I’m trying to read over my old journals to convince myself that all this abuse actually happened. It’s crazy what the abuse does to our brains. My abuser always blames me if he gets angry or denies that he did anything wrong. I’m just trying to put one step in front of the other at the moment xx

[Risingup]

Just wanted to send my love and welcome you. I can relate 100% to What you are saying. I have experienced all of what you said from my abuser. All of the emotional, verbal and financial plus a serially unfaithful. It’s weird because for so many years I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me….I wasn’t attractive enough, stupid etc etc. Now I know that I was being abused bit by bit my confidence is starting to grow. I am currently seeking legal advice to leave, very frightened at the moment but I now realise it’s the only way for me.
You take care and keep reading others posts and reading about this topic. Take care x

[Risingup]

Very true. I have spent goodness knows how many years, literally asking permission to breathe. I’m now making decisions for myself and I need to remind myself that I don’t need to tell him anything x

[Risingup]

That was great! Thank you for posting👍

[Risingup]

I just wanted to offer some support. I haven’t left my abuser but in the process of planning an exit. This journey is complicated and the range of emotions that we feel is all part of the abuse pattern. The manipulation that they use is what confuses us and forms this ‘fog’. I have been cheated on many times in this relationship. I was gaslighted so many times I started to gaslight myself and make the excuses. It was only the last time he cheated plus all the emotional, verbal stuff has made me 100% sure I want out. I am also aware once I leave I too will still have to deal with the manipulation and the lies.
I find writing in a journal helps, then when he starts being super ‘nice’ etc. I just look over it again and I know that it’s all rubbish.
Sorry I can’t offer much advice. Just wanted you to know how far you have come and you are an inspiration xx

[Risingup]

I have also been told not to have any discussion about the relationship. Just get the legal advice and then plan to leave. My abuser is the same. He completely gaslights me at every opportunity, blames me for everything and outright lies. The only possible way that I could talk to him would be in a public place with a mutual friend. I always think that by not talking to him and just leaving or serving him with an order would make him even more angry..However the abuser is so unpredictable that we can not put ourselves and children at risk. If I brought up separation who knows what he would do. He is scary enough when he doesn’t get his way on a normal day. Keep safe! Keep in touch!

[Risingup]

It’s impossible to have a conversation with these men. They take zero accountability. I am in the same position, where I think sitting down with him and telling him why I want to split will be a waste of time. He will blame me and deny everything. I spoke to Rights for Women today who were really helpful and recommended lawyers etc. I feel completely drained. I’m having one of those days where I have to keep reminding myself what he has done to me. I feel like I’ve been minimising the abuse for so many years, that now I am starting to deal with it my mind is playing tricks. Keep strong! X

[Risingup]

As everyone else has said, you have nothing to feel bad about. Sometimes we need to do things to realise that it’s really what we don’t want. I feel bad even when I have a normal conversation with my partner knowing what I am planning, but why should I feel bad??? Because we have spent years with someone who has made us feel bad about ourselves and eroded our confidence. Chin up and keep going xx

[Risingup]

@AbbeyRoad I could have written your post. My partner was also away for work (detail removed by Moderator). I was so relaxed the whole week when he was away. When I knew he was returning, I started to panic because I knew what was coming! You guessed it! The intense emotional abuse…….critiquing the house. I should have cleaned the house from top to bottom. I don’t need to justify myself to him but you naturally feel you have to when you are being attacked. After spending a few hours being really rude and disrespectful, he then became really friendly. Second guessing my reality and gaslighting me! Take care xx

[Risingup]

How horrible that he is using your child in this way. They know how much we love our children and would do anything for them. I also get abused through my children. I get told not to comfort them when they are upset. My decisions on how to raise them gets overridden and he has now started saying that I am trying to take his children away from him. These are all common tactics from abusers. You stay strong and keep posting. Lots of support here xx

[Risingup]

I do know how you feel. I was going through all of our joint paper work today (while he was out). All of this sadness started to overwhelm me. The house and everything that I’d be leaving. I too needed the paper work for when I speak to lawyers. Just remember, baby steps! Let’s not think about the whole staircase. Let’s just speak to a lawyer.
Btw your kids are amazing and so supportive. I haven’t spoken to mine about us leaving but I wouldn’t be surprised it they say the same. Keep posting xx

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