roadtohealing

[roadtohealing]

Hi,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are going though such a hard time. I too have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for many years now and still can’t understand why people do this to another person. I suppose it’s their way of ‘dealing’ with their low esteemed pathetic selves. It’s cruel, it’s nasty, and it leaves such deep scars, that no amount of years can ever heal.

I wish I could give you some kind of comfort or words that will give you strength, but how do you when all your own energy and confidence has all been consumed, when you yourself feel so invisible and irrelevant from years of emotional injury and damage?

All I can say is be strong, stay safe and work your way though each day, each moment bit by bit, keep posting, it does help.

Take care.

[roadtohealing]

Hi Sunshine 2022,

I’m sorry you are having such a horrid day, and I hope things will get better for you soon.

I am afraid to say that if he is so abusive this early on in the relationship then trust me it will only get worse further down the line, and that’s coming from someone who has wasted their best years of their life on someone who never changed for the better, he only got worse as the years went on.

The best thing that can happen here for you is for him to be removed from the UK, you deserve better, get your counselling therapy and take care yourself and not him. Once those years have gone, they are gone for good, you’ll never get them back, life is too short and precious to be wasting years on those that don’t value you.

Take care x

[roadtohealing]

Thank you for your kind words, it really is so nice to hear such so kind and caring words, words I very very rarely ever hear.

I’m taking stock of a lot of things lately especially since my son has left (detail removed by Moderator) this year of being alone with him for the first time ever has been a real eye opener. I’ve only ever been a mum, never been seen as a wife or a friend, certainly not a lover, so when my son left home (detail removed by Moderator) it really hit hard that I have nothing left with him, something I’ve always known but have spent so many years pushing to the back of my mind, while wasting years holding on to false hope for change, the change that never comes, well not for the better anyway..

If you have no strong foundation to your relationship it will only fall apart when the only thing keeping it together is no longer there.. Yes it’s ‘get out time’ has been for many many years, but like I said previously, it’s easier said than done, especially if there are a lot of financial issues involved..

Which brings me to where I am now, to where the best years of my life have been squandered to..

Once again thanks for your lovely kind encouraging words, while your words comfort me, it also saddens me to know so many women out there are in such upsetting circumstances..

I wish each and every one of you happier days ahead, sunny days awaits us all xx

[roadtohealing]

Ho soconfused2, This sounds just like my situation at the moment. He has been giving me the silent treatment for days now, I’m about to explode but trying to keep it together because past experience has shown me that this is what he actually wants; For me to get upset scream and shout and then he can once again gain the upper hand by saying (detail removed by moderator) So I’m giving him the silent treatment too because trying to talk to him has gotten me nowhere. It’s a horrible situation to be in, living with someone with no communication, but at the moment I feel it’s all I can do.

[roadtohealing]

Hi Tryingtomoveonsafe,

I have only just come across your post and I really can relate to being kept off balance, in limbo and just generally not worth the commitment. I don’t know how long you and your partner have been together, I don’t think I can reveal the years I’ve been married here as it might be removed for being personal info, so I’ll just let you guess, we have a son now at university, that’s how long I’ve been in that horrible place known as ‘Limbo’.

For as long as I’ve known I’ve always had to second guess his behaviour, his thoughts and intentions, I’ve always been stuck on ‘standby’ mode, never committing to a plan, a day out or even spending any time with me. I’ve spent many years asking him questions or trying to just have a conversation with him only to be ignored, and slowly slowly it wears you down to the point where you stop being you, and become something he has created. I’ve in hope that things will change, get better, I hope things will for you, but unfortunately years of bad experience has only shown me that it only gets worse.

Good luck and I hope you do what’s right for a better future for yourself.

Take care.

[roadtohealing]

I don’t miss sex, but I miss intimacy. Like the many things he has deprived me of during the many years of our marriage, intimacy is one of them.

After every argument he tells me he is going to leave me, and then goes and sleeps in the spare room or on the sofa. I feel so rejected and unwanted, it really hurts me. I feel so stupid for even sharing this here but I really need to share my thoughts because I’m too embarrassed to tell anybody about this.

Before he started to sleep elsewhere, he would take his clothes out of our bedroom and dress/undress in another room when I was in the room following an argument. I always found this strange and couldn’t understand the logic behind this, the only thing I could think of was that he was taking away the intimate act of taking his clothes off in front of me, and now he is sleeping in another room I feel so hurt and rejected, and so humiliated to even talk about it.

Am I the only one going through this? Is this just another form of abuse, a way of me feeling bad about myself? Because if it is, it’s working because nobody wants to feel unwanted and that’s exactly how I feel right now.

[roadtohealing]

You’re absolutely right, our minds and past experiences drives our actions without us even knowing it because you reach a point when you just snap and cannot take any more of anything anymore!

I go from denying my situation like you mentioned because reality is too much to accept and doing something about it terrifies me, to sinking into a deep dark place where I absolutely know and admit this is no way to live.

I hope we all find the life we all deserve, thank you for listening to me and helping me believe I exist. 🙏🏻

[roadtohealing]

Thank you. 🙏🏻 This will definitely get me through today.

I hope you too will reach the place you want to be in life, content, appreciated and loved. Take care x

[roadtohealing]

Thank you for telling me that I’m not a ‘nobody’, I’ve heard it over so many years that it’s now engrained in my mind. I have felt every one of your kind words, and honestly I am touched by them.

It’s all taking its toll on me, my health, appetite and sleep, as you can probably tell from the time of night I’m writing this.

I wish I was as brave as you for leaving, I don’t know if mine are reasons or excuses for staying, all I do know is that I feel like I’m dying inside each day, losing a bit of myself with each sunrise. I feel like a prisoner doing a life sentence for a crime I have no knowledge I committed.

Thank you for listening to me, for making me believe I am here…

[roadtohealing]

Hi Bananaboat,

You’re absolutely right, he does enjoy it. I totally agree with you and I do try to make the most of the peace and calm around the house while he sulks and refuses to talk to me, but after a while it does get awkward.

Sharing a life, running a home, not being able to discuss finances everyday things like that become impossible when you’re not communicating, and it all ends up putting more strain on me. The silent spells may for a while be positive, and yes I can use them to my advantage, but in the long term it just weakens the relationship that’s already to falling apart.

I can really relate to what you wrote about the sudden mood switches and being expected to forget about the bad treatment and to act as though nothing has happened. I get this all the time, it does make me feel as though I am losing my mind, and it hurts like hell to think that I’m not even worthy of an apology, just expected to carry on like nothing has happened.

We all deserve better, none of us deserve any kind of abuse. At the moment I can’t change things nor can I change him, all I can do is find ways of coping with the situation. As cliché as is sounds, I’m just taking each day, in fact each moment as it comes and trying my best to get though it with my mind and dignity still intact.

Thanks your kind words.

Take care 🙂

[roadtohealing]

Hazydayz, you’ve made my day, that’s so sweet. Thank you so much ☺️

[roadtohealing]

Thank you nbumblebee, I too am barely hanging on, I keep waking up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep and then feel so drained during the day. Things are really bad for me too at the moment, and I just can’t see a way out. I’ve screamed, shouted, cried myself stupid, but nothing changes, my life is just stuck in this horrid rut which gets worse by the day..

One thing I’ve really noticed though recently is that the nicer I try to be to him the nastier he gets, it’s like he seems he he thinks he has the upper hand, the more I try to talk to him, the more he withdraws, so now I’m playing him at his own game, I too have stopped talking to him. I know it sounds childish but when you have tried everything and nothing has worked, when there is no reasoning with him, no logic or sense, you end up thinking ‘well if I can’t beat him, I might as well join him’, and so now I’ll see how this goes because I’m tired, tired of everything and nothing is making any sense to me anymore.

Hope things get better for you too, keep posting it really does help.

[roadtohealing]

Thank you.

[roadtohealing]

Thank you for you kind words.

I too wish there was a magic button that would take me back to my old self, it’s something I wish for everyday, but sadly there isn’t one. But I have my thoughts and memories of good times with my son that I have inside my mind, I’m never ever going to hand those over to him, they will always be mine. As for the future, all it ever does is frighten me because it never has been something that I have ever been able to look forward to or plan for, I’ve always been kept in ‘limbo’, always kept off balance and made to feel insecure.

I too hope I will one day find the strength within myself to find Me again, the Me that he has chipped away at into nothingness. I also sincerely hope your future will not be where I am now today, because although the future seems a long way away it creeps up on you without you realising, and before you know it you too will be wishing you could grow wings and fly the nest just like your children have..

[roadtohealing]

@nbumlebee Thank you so much for your encouraging words. It’s so nice to hear such nice words after so many years of put downs. I am trying to be kind to myself, I go for long walks and I also write things down like you suggest, it does help, but only temporarily because the main source of the problem is always there. Unfortunately I don’t have many people I can talk to about the abuse, I have gradually isolated myself because in the past when we did socialise he would put me down, correct and contradict me so much that I became too embarrassed to continue going out with friends. I began making excuses, started avoiding family get togethers, family pub lunches etc. that sort of thing, so I am now so isolated, he doesn’t talk to me for days, unless I go out shopping or speak on the phone to my mum or son, I will go for days without speaking to anyone.

In answer to your question, I don’t work, I’ve only ever been a mum and a housewife, but now my son has left home and I’m no longer a ‘wife’ in the proper sense, just someone invisible, I no longer know who I am.. My son keeps suggesting I get out and find work, do any kind of work just to get out of the house and away from him, but I have lost my confidence. I recently did however apply for quite a few jobs online, I have never really worked in the UK and despite having a university degree I feel as though I am completely unemployable, my lack of work experience and age keeps holding me back. I applied for several supermarket customer assistant jobs, and he laughed at me, found it funny that I would be stacking shelves.. So I lost my nerve, even though I was called to a few interviews I declined.

I feel like I myself am my only friend at the moment, yet at the same time I am my own worst enemy for not being brave enough to make changes in my life. All I can do at the moment is get though each day and hopefully one day the strength will come along too..

Thank you again for reading my post, you have made me feel a lot better, I wish you well and hope things will get better for you too, thanks for the hugs too, even if a cyber one, I cannot remember my last one!

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