Runningfree

[Runningfree]

Hi ladies . I’m in a similar position . My OH is seen as a lovely man, no one has ever seen him slamming a door in my face or tellin me to f@@k off !
I’ve just been for my (detail removed by moderator) therapy session to see if I can work with this out in my head.
I’ve had (detail removed by moderator) days of the silent treatment, been told that (detail removed by moderator), which happened to be about (detail removed by moderator) before I headed out the door !
A big blow up (detail removed by moderator)  about my selfish behaviour, mine again .
He’s not a bad man and has lots of positive traits , he doesn’t stop me going out , told him I was at a friends (detail removed by moderator) (lie) and I I am (detail removed by moderator) finances but I tread on eggshells a lot of the time and him working from home has made it worse.
Therapist has said that I need to think about what I want long term . It’s really hard to say what YOU want when you are so used to reacting to someone else’s moods .

[Runningfree]

hi PCL, I’m new too. It took another massive flare up this weekend , I’m still getting the silent treatment, to make me google domestic abuse, led me here. I can hear him laughing , saying he’s the one who is abused !

[Runningfree]

This is really interesting as I’m trying to set up therapy to help me deal with my OH. He’s had therapy in the past but I don’t assume he talked about his behaviour, no doubt never mentioned it , he did say it didn’t help him, so I guess he wasn’t honest !

[Runningfree]

I’m new here today, OH latest outburst on (detail removed by Moderator) resulted in door slamming and object throwing ( later in the day, it was made worse by alcohol) made me realise that our (detail removed by Moderator) year relationship isn’t healthy.

We are on day (detail removed by Moderator) now, he speaks to me when our adult daughter is around but is curt when she isn’t. Our son has moved out to work away, OH squared up to him one time when trying to throw my clothes out of the front door after an outburst.

I googled domestic abuse and it lead me to this site. We have months of calm, in fact during lockdown, not one blow up. We’ve had (detail removed by Moderator) in the past few months, weirdly, after we had been on holiday (detail removed by Moderator). I know now that we are “trauma bonding”.

He has had (detail removed by Moderator) affairs in the past, neither of which he told me about, I had to guess by way of his behaviour, then he admitted it but it was my fault as I hadn’t been giving him enough attention.

We tried couples therapy once but he wanted to stop after (detail removed by Moderator) sessions as he said she blamed him. Of course, they were my fault as I wasn’t giving him enough attention. I accept that I’m not perfect, there are problems in any relationship, but I feel his aggressive behaviour is the wrong way to deal with problems.

We married young and both had difficult childhoods, I know his late dad used aggression frequently, whilst my parents separated when I was young. I listened to their arguments from my bedroom, so I do have a fear of shouting. Our romance was classic -intense and loving until we had been married a few months and then the problems started.

I just can’t talk to him – he blanks me and tells me to leave him alone. I haven’t even tried this time, I’ve been polite and spoken when I have to, although he does seem to be thawing this afternoon. Like every time.

Last time, (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I became quite upset about it and he tried to divert the attention away from his behaviour by saying my daughter had said I was controlling too. I told him that I found his aggressive behaviour frightening and that we should talk in a calm, reasoned way and that we needed to learn how to air our grievances safely. He clearly didn’t take that on board.

I’ve just messaged a local therapist to see if I can get some support to process my feelings.

I lost my mum very suddenly just before Covid hit and I don’t feel I’ve really grieved for her. My job is uncertain and I’m at home more due to this, he is working from home permanently, so we are together more now, although it’s been fine and he is really helpful around the house.

That’s what upsets me so much, why can’t he just accept that he has a good life and family?

Financially in a good position, although he’d say that was down to him!

I have good friends and (detail removed by Moderator) sisters, so I know that if we split, I won’t be lonely.

I’ve read some of the stories on here, some of you ladies are so wise and strong. Thanks for listening. It feels very odd to be putting these feelings in writing to strangers!

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