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    • #38049
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Loving me continues. I’ve got a hair mask/masque on. Lol! Maybe I should slap on a face mask too.

    • #38036
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Happy Valentine’s to you too, IAF.

      Not been on for a while. I will love myself today regardless of romantic relationships. I have bought myself one of the supermarket deals (with steak) and a £20 bouquet of flowers. So far the day has been lovely.

      I went to physiotherapy and then calmly walked around the supermarket.

      I also want to go to the gym but no pressure if I don’t go.

      Love yourself ladies

    • #37625
      SaharaD
      Participant

      HI LBP

      Sorry all of this is happening and with the trial coming up. I haven’t been back to my hometown since leaving my husband and it’s been a few years.

      I also have not gotten very involved with men. Still no men come to my flat or know where I work.

      I’m doing ok trying to focus on my recovery. You have to focus on your survival and your child’s survival now. Any sort of romantic relationships are not going to help your situation at the moment.

      All the best. keep us updated on how you are coping. We are always here for you.

    • #35655
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Change is unfortunately rare. You are not silly. we all want that. The reality is that it takes a lot of work for an abuser to change for YEARS ALONE. You can’t help him. You can’t even support him. He has to do it alone without the motive of getting you back.

      I suggest reading books by Lundy Bancroft. Going to the Freedom programme or a women’s domestic abuse recovery group and getting some counselling by yourself alone without input or interference from him. Without discussing the books and the groups and the counselling with him.

      You need to become strong enough to resist his abuse.

    • #35653
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Hi Abcd and welcome to the forum

      I have to work through my demons also. My demons I refer to as my vulnerabilities.

      I have borderline personality disorder so I need to work on that and stick to a type of therapeutic thinking and lifestyle.

      My father was/is an alcoholic. So I know I have addictive tendencies to I work on that to and monitor my spending, eating, and alcohol intake.

      My emotional difficulties stemming from the BPD and emotional neglect as a child, mean that I struggle with all of my relationships romantic and platonic and familial and colleagues. I have started going to a few groups for Sex and Love Addicts to learn how to cope with my emotions and behave appropriately in relationships and still make a connect and have intimacy.

      My only advice is to take things slow. You can have an enjoyable time with someone without sex or being deeply in love with someone. It also sounds like you are struggling with your self esteem. I date different men to try to re-learn how to be intimate and a simple connection and not to obsess on one man.

    • #35635
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Yup hurting you gives them pleasure. Granted I get some people like this sort of thing (s & m etc..) but if your partner does not like it you shouldn’t do it especially if it is physically and emotionally hurting them.

    • #35578
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Hi Lilminx

      I remember a few women writing about the grossness of their partners and lack of personal hygiene.

      The general consensus by healthcare professionals, hygiene experts etc is that you should change your underwear and socks every day and you should have a “wash”/ shower/bath every day.

      I can only assume that he is either deliberately being unhygienic( through motive or depression) or is uneducated in hygiene standards.

      I work with (removed by moderator) and I’m constantly washing my hands so much that they dry out. I don’t want my customers or myself getting sick due to poor hygiene.

      Some abusive men are low functioning and some are high functioning, the commonality is that they are abusive.

    • #35468
      SaharaD
      Participant

      You are not crazy as in psychosis. You may have some unhealthy psychological thoughts and behaviours.

      You said you did the Freedom Programme. Did you wait two years before starting another relationship? Did you do the pattern changing course?

      I’m not in a relationship. I’m dating several men and taking my time. They do not know about my mental health or my abuse. I want to spend some time alone.

      Maybe your boundaries are not strong enough. Maybe you are a love addict and you can’t stand the thought of being alone. I like being alone but I don’t know how to be alone and happy. I think I like being alone because it means I can avoid people and their triggering behaviours. my mind isn’t built for being alone though. I need a social life. I need connection and intimacy. I need to find a balance. Not obsessing over the first man to treat me well on a date but also not avoiding men and people entirely. put myself out there but with boundaries.

      Go swimming with my life jacket on.

      I’m vulnerable. I accept that but I have to make sure that people and men I meet are not going to use my vulnerability against me.

      What is your vulnerability

    • #35415
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Well done Bridget. You’ve come a long way. Just keep going. One day you will trust yourself. Words to myself and everyone.

      I trust myself more. I left with nothing £10,000 debt. I have a little cosy home which sometime I find too big for just me after living in rooms for so long.

      It is worth it. Time to live again.

    • #35413
      SaharaD
      Participant

      DV/DA groups recommend waiting two years after the last abusive contact before dating or seeing someone.

      I like to think of it as one year of survival and one year to work on your recovery.

      What I did although still not recovered to the point where I am happy:

      I went into a refuge and implemented no contact.
      I asked people not to mention his name or anything about him to me.
      I focused deeply on myself and my emotions.
      I sat in the pain.
      I went to a women’s DV/DA group
      I went to the Freedom Programme
      I read books on abuse.
      I Go to a women’s group surrounding violence.
      I had a year’s counselling be a specialisted DV/DA counsellor.
      I went to a NHS recovery college course for women who have been abused as adults.
      I did a therapy group on my emotions
      I go to a mental health support group
      I worked really hard on my finances and was debt free in two years.
      I started going to welcoming social groups to get used to people again.
      I go to the gym and women’s football
      I go to other self help/ 12 step groups.
      I put strong boundaries in place for relationships with people.

      I recognise that I’m not going to let him destroy my life and I’m going to focus on making my life the best it can be even if it only means the basics.

    • #35411
      SaharaD
      Participant

      If you are not happy and you don’t love him, what is the point of being in the relationship. I think that you have to ask yourself some hard questions. It is hard to leave. It means giving up a lot of things but as they say look at what you have gained not what you have lost.

      please please don’t marry for the sake of it. You will regret it. I married my abuser because I loved him and I trusted him and I had no doubts. He unfortunately had doubts (he told me this a few months before the assault that led to me leaving.) I don’t regret getting married. It taught me a lot about myself and it and the honeymoon was one of the happiest times in my life. Very good memories. So I don’t regret getting married. I may have picked the wrong man but at the time I thought he was the right man. I can’t beat myself up for lacking information about the nuances of abuse.

      You know he’s not right for you. You are fighting your gut feeling to get away from him. You have to figure out why. Personally if I know for sure that someone is abusive I won’t stay in a relationship.

      They can’t change that easily and the few (2/3) in the whole world that I heard of spent years alone fixing themselves.

      So counselling and therapy, 12 step groups and perpetrator programmes for years! Even then they will always be in recovery and always having to step back from situations and they probably will relapse. They are addicted to being abusive and controlling and power and it’s their default setting.

      I would bet my bottom dollar that he hasn’t changed. Not your job to fix him.

    • #34703
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Side note: I definitely don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to “get” love. That’s not real love. Love is not a bargaining chip.

    • #34702
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Hi Beenherebefore and welcome back

      I don’t know if you had advice on how to go about your recovery and any future relationships.

      Domestic abuse support organisations recommend waiting two years before starting a new relationship. I waited about 20 months to start dating.

      I have done and I am doing a lot of recovery work. the Freedom Programme. Reading reputable books on abuse and a recovery course specific for women who have suffered abuse at the hands of men developed by my Local NHS Trust. I also spend about a year just surviving and trying to keep a roof over my head alone. I like living alone.

      I am still not ready for a new relationship. Although one of the men I was dating offered me to move in with him when I had some landlord trouble last year. I respectfully declined. He doesn’t know that I was abused even though I’ve been seeing him for over a year now.

      I no longer want to reveal my vulnerabilities to men. In fact most people will say that take dating very very slow. Moving in after less than a year is probably not a good idea. You have to look for RED flags and learn to follow your gut instinct.

      maybe there wasn’t a long enough recovery period or enough recovery work done between the previous abusive relationship and the current one. What books have you read? What recovery courses have you attended? Do you go to a women’s support group? Have you attended a confidence and assertiveness and self esteem seminar? Recovery Toolkit? Freedom Programme? Pattern Changing Course? Self defence course?

      you may have and I think I have ” a broken picker”: An attraction to people of the opposite sex that are wrong or bad for you.

      If he is not financially responsible why are you living with him? This is a red flag. You have opened yourself up to being financially vulnerable to him by moving in.

      We do things for people because we love them but we set boundaries for ourselves and other people because we should love ourselves and care for ourselves and respect their ability and responsibility to be an adult. No boundaries is unhealthy to everyone influenced by toxic a relationship..adults, children, pets, elderly relatives, friends, etc.

    • #34650
      SaharaD
      Participant

      I can only suggest going to women’s aid and disappear into a refuge far away. He will abuse his position due to his line of work. In the refuge they will help you with the solicitor, the house and the child access.

      Quite frankly you can tell him that if he doesn’t stop he will only see his daughter via the court access. Which won’t be nice they will drag all of you to a contact centre and assess his parenting your parenting and your child’s psychological well being. they will also test you both for drugs and alcohol.

      obviously he has things to hide so he probably won’t be going to court.

    • #34449
      SaharaD
      Participant

      Abusers find whatever is your vulnerability. Everyone has vulnerabilities. I am the same wanting care, love and respect. The difference is now I demand it as my right. Not as a carrot on a stick.

      I no longer look to others for this validation. I have learnt (through support groups and therapy) to do validate myself. I’m not always good at it but I’m much better than I used to be. My abusive husband actually bullied and manipulated me into a relationship with him although I expressly stated that I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I date a few men on a regular basis and none of them try to interfere with my boundaries which is a minimum respect I demand.

      I try not to fight with myself..it only brings me down.. Lol! a few weeks ago I told myself off for telling myself of. I felt my inner self talk had been too negative, cruel and mean to myself and the world..so I practiced some extreme self compassion and self care to balance things out.

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