Same-again

[Same-again]

OMG, just logged on and this post came up. How strange. I think mine has been watching me since 2020. My mind has almost lost it at stages..
I tried to tell the police – they referred me (without my knowledge) to a phyc eval. I then started my own private hell. Sorry if this isn’t a great reply, I feel your pain. I still live it. There is no safe place.

[Same-again]

I have felt the same.
The really nice thing (which also reflects my change) is that you’re talking about you. As in your focus is your life. Your recovery, your healing.
Finally, I feel that shift. Thank god, I rejoice.
I can deal with the journey of healing now I am my focus.

Much love to all, whereever you are on your journey. I’m routing for you all and me. Xxx

[Same-again]

Hi, I found my GP to be brilliant. It took time to build a trusting relationship so I didn’t tell her the whole story.
In the end she was ringing me every week (I was suicidal at times) and she was a rock.

Reach out, it’s hard at first. I found for me it was very much in bits & never really the whole. However, she was there for me.

Best of luck, you do right. Reach out. Xx

[Same-again]

Hey there AM,

Were we dating the same weirdo?! It sounds so familiar It’s uncanny.

Anyway, just wanted to send my support as I’ve been where you are now so I understand.

Cling on & keep posting.

Happy New Year!

[Same-again]

I like that phrase and yes, it resonates with me.

Like I’d put my heart and soul into us/him and couldn’t/didn’t want to (but did want to) let go.

I also feel very much that I was fighting my own mind (cognitive dissonance) & that was/has been very powerful.

XX

[Same-again]

Hi all,

I just wanted to add to the thread. My thoughts for what they are worth.

Without a doubt he is abusive.

I think we shy away from the word rape (I did, and many women do) because it seems too strong perhaps. I think as women it’s often easier to acquiesce if someone is pushing the issue. This is hardwired into us (I think) because if we make a stand we know unconsciously we can’t back that up physically. He pushed past consent and he KNEW it.

This is dangerous and at such an early stage extremely worrying. Mine started with that type of behaviour and it escalated.

Think about it this way, if you knew somebody wasn’t responding/wanting/consenting to something you were doing sexually would you continue? No, and I’ll wager that sentence makes you feel uncomfortable like ‘god no’.

My advice (and I didn’t take it) is run.

For me, with the benefit of hindsight/knowledge and much pain he’s a wrong un. No doubt at all, for me those red flags are flapping.

xxx

xxx

[Same-again]

Sad to say, it’s not just your community. It’s society as a whole who engage in victim blaming. I hear you, I feel your pain also.

My family victim blame, as to th neighbours he’s managed to convince he’s the victim. Sadly the police too.

But, they’ve not left us with nothing. Hope is what you have inside you and also the truth. Hold both things close. This time for us both is hard and challenging. I hold your hand from afar and say hold on. It won’t always feel this bad, squeeze my hand because I feel your pain. I am there with you. Hold on, we will prevail.
You are not alone.

Xx

[Same-again]

Hi Lisa, couldn’t find the place you mentioned. I’m technology challenge d and maybe too late but I would definitely take part. Xx

[Same-again]

Hi Scapegoat,

I just wanted to reach out to you as I have been where you are and felt that worthless. Almost identical threats – In the end I left a really good job due to the abuse.

Firstly, you’ve got to be kind to you. It can be very hard to leave especially when they admit stuff and apologise. Listen to this – mine didn’t even really do that and I took him back. Doh. I spent a lot of time hating myself but in a way you are helping him/doing his job for him!

You are amazing and it’s not you. Sometimes it takes a few goes to get someone support wise who you can work with. Repeat, this isn’t your fault and defending yourself is instinctive. One thing I would say is that THEY want you to fight back – more fun that way and easier to muddy the waters. Trust me, I know this from dreadful experience.

You’ve not made your bed hun, not at all. It often takes a few goes at the leaving thing to make it stick. Don’t be mean to yourself about it, it’s the past and your future is out there. Cling on and quietly gain strength. xXx

[Same-again]

Hello Ladies, thank you for your replies and your wisdom and encouragement.

Yes, I will do nothing for now and concentrate on looking after ME.

Thank you again 🙂

[Same-again]

Hi, a lot of things you said resonated with me. I did also self harm after ex had been violent. For me it was a way of coping with the emotional pain/trauma.

I have also acted out of character and in ways I would never have before. Abuse in all its forms can really twist your head. Don’t blame yourself but I think you’re right about your (detail removed by modertor). He sounds great btw and is behaving professionally and sensibly. I’d be careful your husband doesn’t read your messages to him as well.

I think you are understandably wanting to message him as he’s been there for you but I think he’s sensibly trying to navigate back to being professional.

I think he’s doing right as well – for you and him. You don’t want to jeapordise his friendship either because it’s great you have that (detail removed by moderator) time away from hubbie and keeps you strong mentally too.

Have you any other support? I found my GP really helpful. Anyway, I’m not much good at advice. Just wanted to say I understand really and that I’ve been there too. Xxxx

[Same-again]

Hello Ladies,

Just wanted to add my thoughts. Mine was the full spectrum abuse wise (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, financial) and I’m afraid I do have to agree you with you that the video does rather feed into the stereotype of what people think abuse looks like.

I think it’s just too simplistic and doesn’t really tackle the hidden abuse which I for one think is the most damaging. It’s their desire to destroy you with maliciousness and conniving. I often think of mine as a modern day Rumpelstiltskin, dancing round his fire with an evilness I cannot comprehend.

Mine also did the crocodile tears and very effectively. The whole neighbourhood thinks it’s little old me who’s ‘crazy’. Good old victim blaming – love it.

I think the video is well intentioned, I watched an interview of Mel B. discussing it and I think she’d be gutted by our comments.

I think perhaps we could petition for a further video to tackle some of the issues raised. The police always say “so you were arguing” and the last time they said that I tried again to correct them. An argument involves two people, in the end it was just a one man rant of verbal aggression and vile, vile words (criticism, put downs, ridiculous accusations). How is that an argument? The only unpleasant thing I said mostly was “get out” which started as “please leave” and became the former after the 10th request and being raged at.

My rant over – wishing you all a lovely Sunday or at least a peaceful one.

[Same-again]

Yup, it’s a powerful drug oxytocin. It’s called the cuddle drug and makes you feel safe, warm, loved. As you can imagine after an abusive episode you crave that feeling because your mind/emotional world is so shattered.

Mine could be a good lover when HE wanted to be ie when it served a purpose. At other times not so – all about him. They use the feeling oxytocin gives against you having created the need/want for it in the first place.

I want to get my hands on the ‘abusive man’s handbook’ and burn it. Manipulative little gremlins that that they are. Push, pull, push, pull and repeat – all whilst keeping you off balance in a variety of different/evil/abusive/cruel ways.

[Same-again]

*nose

[Same-again]

Hi,

Just wanted to add my bit about different types of abuse.

Mine dished it all out. Physical, emotional, mental (gaslighting) and sexual.

Hand on heart the emotional (criticism, belittling, raging) and the mental (gaslighting) were far and away the most painful and continue to be so. I have scars on my face from where he hit me but they are nothing compared to the scars
underneath that can’t be seen.

Recently the police officer did a bit gaslighting & victim blaming and it has honestly sent me off into a black hole of mental anguish/rage/self hate and physical symptoms too.

The wounds of phycological abuse are painful indeed. Much more so than the physical abuse and that
included (but isn’t limited to)
1) breaking my ribs
2) kicking me in the head – and I mean a full on kick
3) smashing a glass in my face
4) Head butting me and breaking my nose
5) Kicking me so hard (me on floor-full swing kick) the bruise on my leg was a foot wide, raised, an evil
colour and so painful
6) Smashing my new glasses on my face (detail removed by Moderator) resulting in nasty
cut right across my head

These all pale into insignificance compared with the hidden pain. x

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