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    • #124932
      savingthestars
      Participant

      i am out, but he took the kids. Short term win, because they dont think of the fallout or who people are now watching.

    • #124926
      savingthestars
      Participant

      Like poop. I am thinking of things long term, this won’t be forever and all that tosh. Doesnt stop you from wanting to… do unspeakable things to people

    • #124349
      savingthestars
      Participant

      he is now getting information from my kids, then asking me about what they said. Its like I get stronger, and he pulls back on the reigns. I was starting to feel comfortable. I do therapy because professionals say i am ill, i get stronger and it means im ill. I want to scream in his face. I want to pull out his hair. If I go he can’t talk through the kids. I have found a few places to live, which is good. And I have to find out what professionals say about kids, but if it means he has control I am gonna have to leave them and hope they won’t be affected too much by my decision.

    • #124242
      savingthestars
      Participant

      I am no longer in the relationship (havent been for years) but kids are involved and he still controls me. I have a plan, I just hate myself for said plan. I was just wondering if I was being rational.

    • #124241
      savingthestars
      Participant

      my ex calls me the alienator… I am unsure of what to do for the best or why Id even be thinking like this

    • #121254
      savingthestars
      Participant

      I dont yet. I did ages ago, but it didnt get very far. I have messaged them… so… I guess I will have to wait and find out. Not sure how they can help tho.

    • #121251
      savingthestars
      Participant

      those comments do make sense.

      Any professionals involved takes his view… as in everyone and it is annoying. I know part of the reason is because there is a tiny bit of honesty in what he says… to back up the bull. People seem to think I am paranoid because of my own childhood abuse, and so he is “supportive”. I am currently in therapy, and working through stuff and I feel like I am on two tables. One is saying he is a gaslighter, that makes him untrustworthy, capable of basically anything. So him saying I am making stuff up against him, and that all he wants is the best outcomes, is part of his manipulation. but the other is telling me to let go of my negative behaviour towards him, because I have no solid evidence because he hasnt said he is doing this to punish (because you know, murderers just admit to murdering people dont they ) I should keep my mouth shut and not explain gaslighting to professionals/say where they are wrong because that is just their pov, and so let it go and be your best self regardless.

    • #121239
      savingthestars
      Participant

      he has abused me, and any event that doesnt add up I am thinking that it must be abuse, whether it be against my kids or me. I am just wondering if its in my head, because professionals seem to agree with him when he basically says i am psychosed. Now, I am finding myself to have to reason with him, not that its possible, and accept that I can do nothing. it just amazed me that a person can say the victim is spreading rumours, and makes it an okay thing for the guy to basically take their mind, their kids, their life over and people to think whatever he says is true. I am just not sure if I should accept such behaviour and bow to it, almost ignore it. Or carry on the way I have, even though everybody ignores me or listens to him.

    • #121207
      savingthestars
      Participant

      Its so hard to tell. The gaslighting behaviour is lying, or talking without context, mirroring, saying I am manipulating the kids, never taking on board that others have their own emotions, and has rage outbursts. the autistic person also buys kids gifts “because they want them” I have looked into autism and they can appear self centred, have rage outbursts, dont understand context or emotional context. This is towards me, and professionals about me. In therapy and trying to move past thinking he must be abusing the kids, however don’t want to accept behaviours just because he doesnt know what he is doing.

    • #121178
      savingthestars
      Participant

      I have found out that there is such thing as somatisation (apologies for spelling) it is where the stress and anxiety can come out in physical form. EG you can have similar symptoms as MS but it is “in your head” I think this could be what you are experiencing. Check it out, it may help to understand

    • #121175
      savingthestars
      Participant

      congrats for being able to 🙂 however you have made it

    • #119903
      savingthestars
      Participant

      am looking into theraplay atm, so will see how that goes

    • #97276
      savingthestars
      Participant

      I spoke to the head of safeguarding. She is the one that doesn’t see any concerns. I have explained it to her, in almost baby speech and she said that if there was anything going on he would tell her. The guy who also said that she said has called his conviction a caution, and wrote on my child’s report that she cried because of not knowing the answer to a question. Be it she didn’t used to. Its irritating. I wanted to scream at her. I am however going another direction. If the school won’t heed, then I must try someone unrelated to the situation.

    • #96985
      savingthestars
      Participant

      Def, they don’t care in the slightest. He is like.. mega psychologically ruining. He is holding his child back, because it is easier for him. I filled in the application and it was like yea, this guy is dangerous. I have asked the courts for supervised, and that he has no other involvement. I mean its the courts that make the final decision, I know but at the same time. I feel… hes… getting his cummupance? him saying his behavious has no impact on his parenting capasity or morality whatever, is like… nope we dont believe that now. I feel like crying. lol. U just hope they take it.

    • #96979
      savingthestars
      Participant

      (detail removed by moderator). I feel like I am on a wizzing ride. and I can barely stop spinning. Professionals are actually taking me seriously. I am not being held back by that invisible anchor anymore. I mean, he doesn’t know it yet, but theres a shadow growing under him. I am not doing it in a paranoid person way this time, and instead of saying “hes made of gold” they are saying “his behaviour is concerning” I mean, okay, my family still say stupid things which sound like they are siding with him. He should have contact with the child because he is a father… and I’m like hmm yes he should, because otherwise the child may feel i was unjust but he is a mental danger so needs to be watched. Tbh, I am expecting him to be told by the court the deal, and he dissapears because its not his plan. I am also bit scared because I am expecting him to go all defensive when he realises theres a shaddow under him, but its not stopping me. It gives me fire.

    • #96296
      savingthestars
      Participant

      That is awesome. I am so happy for you. Its hard to know there is a issue and not have a diagnosis, so you get no understanding or help. I hope that going forwards, you get the help and support and even understanding you need

    • #96237
      savingthestars
      Participant

      Thanks, I have realized my youngest has been affected by his behavior, as the rest of us have. I have had to contact him regarding the kids. I mean asking him to make sure kids are kept away from allergens. Or, things I need to communicate about be it we have shared care, which to me is demented. He has been on one of these courses that are meant to fix them, but I think its more he doesn’t do it to me because he knows I am going to go to the police. I am now trying to get help for my youngest… I am fighting myself to contact him, and ask him whether he will be honest about his input to this point, but I feel its a waste of time. really dont know what i’m supposed to do tbh. On recovery toolkit, which is helpful enough atm

    • #95578
      savingthestars
      Participant

      its like my daughter. She showed me just what he is, and what he has done. She says that my ex (who isn’t related to her), but has confused the world into thinking he is in some way. She said that he gives her meals. She goes to breakfast club at school, eats at dinner, and then goes to a child minder in the afternoon. He then gives them takeaways at the weekend, or allows family members to sit her and her sibling. It may seem very small, but this is exactly what I mean. He will say that he gives her food, and therefore she believes it. He also “makes pizza” by ordering it from some take away.

    • #95576
      savingthestars
      Participant

      It so is… he will stand there and say that your a neglectful person, while not actually being there, and then professionals say you neglected everyone. And you feel guilty. Yes okay maybe due to trauma you are ill, and become neglectful, but how surprising is it when you are told to believe in a mirage and have to pay him (a working male) money when you do things wrong and you are not a working person or… a mother whos job is massively… unseen

    • #95374
      savingthestars
      Participant

      I also realise why I seemed mad:

      my ex didnt tell the truth, so I think why didnt he tell the truth. Then I look for patterns, and if things are linkable, I linked them and came up with a bigger issue. Especially this is when I realised he was abusive, i then didnt know what he was capable of.

      Eg, he didnt take child to hospital
      has a two page essay instead of saying he didn’t know about the reason she was sick
      He made stupid joke
      The next week (removed by moderator)
      he is trying to get child into special school
      He keeps money and does not pay maintenance

      Thus instead of thinking he is a selfish person who is not honest about his involvement, and does’t think about the affects of his decisions on children/others, and absolves himself from blame by making some cover story, and doesnt take kids to hospital when they need to.

      I thought, he was trying to poison the child into being seen as autistic, in some way, so that he might get financial benefits.

    • #95061
      savingthestars
      Participant

      Yea, I think the comment about string of incidents in a pattern is the closest. Its just… because I saw the string. I went frantic. I was like “look, look, look!!” and of course, he said that i was mentally ill seeing a pattern when these things were very separate.

      But, I do wonder if this “pattern” was concocted, so i obsess over it, and look like a mental. And, ignore the bigger picture. That he is actually some master controlling…brain killer. So when i work out what he is actually doing, he can say “well she went look look look over a non thing, made up pattern. Shes prone to this”

      Its hard working out which it is. I think it was a smoke screen.

    • #93959
      savingthestars
      Participant

      Its “funny” I mean he plays that loving father infront of the right people, as they do. My eldest is upset by him not saying bye to her, yet his child rolls her eyes when he says it, and shes very young. I’m just sick of people brushing this stuff under the carpet, I feel like I am living in Derry (from IT)

    • #93958
      savingthestars
      Participant

      Well.. I am hoping to do that next TAC meeting. my eldest is sent to a child minder over one side of the town on his week, and my other child is with his girlfriends family. he doesnt finish work til the evening. My eldest has said that she has dinner with her sibling at my exs girlfriends house in the evenings, and I have that on paper from a professional speaking to her. I know its a round about way of saying it. I’m trying to gather hard evidence but its hard because I have asked for adresses of people that look after my kids and his answer is that I have his number and thats all i need in emergency. The professionals are in his pocket, and dont seem to see the issue. I am jealous of his relationship… which I know is pants, I mean he has been trying it on since we broke up years ago.

    • #93952
      savingthestars
      Participant

      The school, and my ex is saying she is too slow to comprehend words/meaning of words. this is not my child. But, I wonder if the school, and my ex are seeing the… autistic due to emotional hurt child… but, I know that the signalong and treating her like she has autism isn’t helping.

      I mean, what is worse is she is told she is seeing me one week, and her dad the next, and he isnt actually there. His girlfriends family look after her. Its dememnted.

    • #93950
      savingthestars
      Participant

      health visitor basically saw that the house was a mess and said I was not seeing her cues (she didnt have any) and kept saying that I was neglecting her, and so she was concerned that my child would be abused in later life because of it. Her dad went to TAC meetings and lied, and looked like superman, but wasnt there the rest of the time. Its a mess of a situation, not easy to explain.

      I told them what she was capable of and they basically said they hadnt seen it, and nor did he, so I was a fruit loop.

    • #93949
      savingthestars
      Participant

      No. They just saw the outside. I didnt realise it when she was younger. I wasnt asked my pov becasue she was removed from my care when she had (detail removed by moderator). She was assessed, and basically told she had (detail removed by moderator). When they visited her with me, she was not herself she just laid there, but then so did I. I kept quiet and was only really myself when there were no professionals around.

    • #93943
      savingthestars
      Participant

      Wow. That is rather helpful actually.

      It makes it sound very purposeful. I did find it odd that he ‘committed’ to a relationship after I had given birth to my first child and demanded PR when she was given to him, because I was “unfit.”

      I have sought legal advice, and they said it was too soon to go back. But, now I have been to the toolbox. I can see it clearer. I can see the impact on the kids. I mean he was trying to get the shared child diagnosed as autistic, but now I realise that because he wasnt actually around when she was a baby… she doesnt see him as a parent (if that makes sense) and like you said when she was removed from me, she behaved closed off and just… off… and now i am fighting school, who listen to him of course, and say that she is too “slow” to understand simple words, when she is home she is not like that. I think that she is “behind” due to the abuse, rather than the ‘neglect’ that others saw. I know, my house was a state, and due to having to pay him back for stuff all the time, i didnt have money to sort that.. Its amazing what we don’t see, at the time.

    • #93941
      savingthestars
      Participant

      My ex and i met at school. basically we both had hard home lives. then he used the fact that i had been abused as a child against me. we had a codependent relationship. then he became obsessed with me, didnt want me seeing other men – other men were a “phase” and he went out with a girl with same name as me. and called her my kids mum and my child his daughter (hes not related to the child)

    • #93683
      savingthestars
      Participant

      I think it is important to understand that leaving abuse isnt just walking out the door. It can leave scars, that are not visable to the outside world. Scars others dont understand. It stops trust. It stops normality. It stops feeling safe, even in safe situations. It will take time, for the reactions to subside. but try to remember you are so strong, just by the fact that you can still stand. You breathe the air, because you made the move. And, that makes you titanium.

    • #93206
      savingthestars
      Participant

      No. We are under 50/50. Basically he went to court out of revenge and gaslighted me – I have a book which is VERY helpful “gaslighting: how to recognise manipulative and emotionally abusive people and break free” – the children have mostly lived their lives with me, because when social said I was unfit he used me as a babysitter, while saying I was unfit. Of course, due to this my mental health was affected and he could say “I told you so”. Behind the scenes he said that he was trying to get my kids back to me, and that he wasn’t giving them back because I chose them. If I wanted them back then I would do as he wanted.

      Recently I tried being reasonable and say this is affecting the kids can we make an agreement about them coming home. I have previously told him I am only using that email address about the kids, so due to my reply I am guessing, if I want them back I will have to do something that doesn’t relate to them or their welfare. This is from Mr “ive changed”

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