Scapegoat

[Scapegoat]

Thanks for the advice ladies.
Strongenough-Sorry but I have been told the police cannot accompany me back to the property as they don’t have the manpower to do this anymore-this was something I was told when I first left by the local WA. They also said that apparently I am not in danger as I am not in the property-which I cannot get my head around!But if he attacks me or damages anything then I can contact them. It has been so unbelievably hard and I’m not surprised I’ve been there for so long and others are too afraid to leave. The law is not on our side. I’m just worried if I go in I could be arrested or accused of taking something that was never there in the first place. I guess I’ll just have to endure the crap by going back when he’s there.
Tried taking all my names off the bills the other day to be told by the broadband /TV provider that I have got to return the equipment within (detail removed by moderator) as will be charged (detail removed by moderator)!!! I explained the situation again and again but no use I have to hope that I can get it or pay the fee!!All in my name of course so would affect my credit rating if I don’t return or pay.

[Scapegoat]

Thank you all. I’m still out. Have seen him as had to go back with my son as needed to collect some important meds. He’s hoovering me now thinks I’ll go back if I have time to think. Made it quite clear I don’t want to. Not the reaction I expected so starting to think it really is me. Staying in between with friend and fam member. Head all over shop. Know I have to start sorting the serious stuff out soon.
Counselling has helped me massively.
Am expecting it to kick off at weekend as his bday soon. Making the most if the peace.

[Scapegoat]

Thanks wantstohelp . I haven’t even got enough clothes to wear – am considering going back later with my grown up son to get some but not sure it’s a good idea.
The mortgage is joint and comes out of my account so will have to continue paying for now – as do all the bills. So my credit rating shouldn’t be affected and I do have savings but won’t I have to surrender half of those to him?
I really can’t take time off work (detail removed by moderator) and already got lots of staff off due to Covid so really not an option. Will probably give me something to focus on. Work aware of situation and the things he’s threatened to do and done.
I even feel guilty for having what I’m entitled to – half the house – as if I tried to that from him (& wouldn’t want to) he’d be furious. I did consider buying him out ( if I could get the money/mortgage together but am no spring chicken so doubt the mortgage lenders would even consider me.However the mortgage is almost paid so the equity in the house would go in my favour I suppose.
As I’m not really in danger now, am I able to get advice from WA? Sorry for all the questions. I don’t want to involve the police as never found them to be of any use in the past. Just really need to get somewhere rented and get my belongings.
Heard nothing from him today which is making me more anxious & am going mad sitting doing nothing. Can’t eat can’t sleep just wish I could shut my eyes and never have to open them again 😞
Thank you for all of your advice xx

[Scapegoat]

I’m (detail removed by moderator) ( yes laughable I know!) Honestly, speak to a teacher that you trust. They will know if somethings up but they are a great source of support and won’t judge. Any incidents where police are called , reports will go straight through to school. They won’t do anything you don’t want them to unless they feel the child is at immediate risk. You will feel much better for doing this and it’s better for you to have school on side. They will understand your dilemma and know things aren’t so clear cut. Domestic abuse has been made a priority in safeguarding this year.

[Scapegoat]

Thanks Eyesopening, what you have written completely makes sense and certainly resonate with my life/relationship. Can’t leave but can’t stay. Am in limbo

[Scapegoat]

Hi Daff, I was prescribed anti depressants after suffering from anxiety, depression amd panic attacks due to abuse. At first they made me feel awful ( I have tried others that weren’t good)I felt nauseous, dizzy amd v detached but then I changed the time I took them ( take them as soon as I get up now rather than before bed) and they have helped me to see things much more clearly, they have calmed me down and also helped me to button my mouth! They can leave you feeling quite numb and empty but opposed to the constant panic that suited me.
Could you try them at beginning of weekend maybe? They do take a while to work and you can’t just stop taking them.
It took me about 3/4 attempts to find ones that suited me – (detail removed by moderator).

Hope that helps xx

[Scapegoat]

Hi Eyesopening, your post caught my eye. My husband is like this, even with people he doesn’t like or know well, suddenly he is affected by their death. In my opinion he uses it as an excuse for everyone to feel sorry for him and also uses it as an excuse to behave how he wants and if you call him out on it OMG! You are then the worst person in world as he is grieving and plays the victim which is his favourite role.
Take care and stay strong xx

[Scapegoat]

Definitely report it! (detail removed by Moderator) a good school will support you all the way. They won’t judge you and like Eggshells says if police were called, any report of DA will go straight through to the school so it’s much better to come from you first.
Is there a teacher you know better than others or a secretary. Most schools will have a support team in place for this.

[Scapegoat]

Could you get the number of your local women’s aid and either phone or sometimes they have online chat. They will advise you what to do first.
Do not tell your oh.I tried this earlier in year but received begging, pleading, lovebombing which I wasn’t expecting. I’m still here now and things are even worse.
Get yourself a good solicitor but definitely contact wA they may be able to put you in touch with one
Take care and stay safe 💕

[Scapegoat]

That’s shocking. Can you complain? It’s exactly what puts me off involving the police they just seem to make things worse and make me feel like I’m at fault.
Don’t give up,you have come this far. I hope you get the help you deserve 💕

[Scapegoat]

Thanks KIP, I know you are right. A counsellor told me a coup,e for years ago I was living in fear but I disagreed as I was managing to carry on with everything but was a complete nervous wreck and wanted strategies for how not to react to him. He says his threats are idle and wouldn’t stand for anything with the police as they are not carried out. However he has hurt me on many occasion but I guess I normalise it as I see as just a slap, kick, grab round throat, push etc not really beating me up. So feel it is minimal physical and more mental.
My son is grown up, still lives at home. Unfortunately he has been affected mentally which I feel responsible for as any decent mother would have got him out of there. He too can see straight his lies and b******* but my oh says I’ve manipulated him to turn against his dad.
I hope I will get there as I have wasted almost (detail removed by Moderator) decades of my life believing he’ll change. I think it’s safe to say now that he won’t.

[Scapegoat]

Thank you again for your messages, it helps me feel like I’m not a complete loser.
Well he still isn’t speaking to me (detail removed by Moderator), normally I would attempt to make amends but I really can see past his behaviour now. (detail removed by Moderator)- because neither my son or I had made effort to speak with him, he tried causing a row saying one of us had stolen some money from him. When we both said we hadn’t, he then changed it to I must have given someone else a key. Not likely as never have anyone round and don’t have any male friends as he was suggesting! He then got even more aggressive and said it was justified as I’d spoken over him and was a control freak. Walked away with him ranting and actually went ahead with a gym class when normally I wouldn’t dare go and would cancel. So I’m feeling stronger.
When I tried to leave earlier in year, he said to me that although he makes all of these horrible threats he doesn’t actually carry them through ( other than terrorising me at home) so why do I believe them? I’ve been thinking a lot about this and feel a bit stupid, like I’ve been over reacting but the manner in which he threatens all of these things is very aggressive, intimidating and with him jabbing at me or towering over me.
I’m starting to unpick things a bit more such as if he does something wrong he will always find a way to blame me for something else instead to take the focus off him; if I don’t react he will continue going on and on like pointing a stick at a dog until it reacts; if I don’t react he then says other people are talking me saying I’m having affairs or am a psycho; he is a downright barefaced liar but gets really angry if I even suggest this.
I’m feeling ,much calmer now whereas I was very angry before and wanted him to pay for treating me like crap. Now I don’t even feel like reacting as I really don’t care anymore. The only thing is I can’t help but feel sorry for him, he knows how to pull on my heart strings and I know he can easily manipulate me to believe anything which makes me just feel stupid.
I’ve had a couple of calls for counselling this week and have an assessment (detail removed by Moderator) so hopefully I can sort my head out. I know I need to emotionally detach myself from him and learn to love myself and that it’s not selfish to do so. If I’m going to leave I only have a few weeks in which to do it but not sure if I’m better staying with someone ( but then he’ll know where I am) or renting somewhere with my son but then worried about him turning up here too and having no one to help me. I guess I need to get in touch with the (detail removed by Moderator) I have the number of but again am worried if I get in touch things might get taken out of my hands as I really don’t trust the police. I guess I just need to get used to the fact that I will lose everything ( which I find really unfair – given all the shit he’s put me through but know if I try and get him chucked out my life won’t be worth living and he may carry out his threats.
Thank you for letting me rant, I know this post is probably all over the place and nonsensical.

[Scapegoat]

Thank you both I just can’t do what I need to do and it’s pathetic as I’m a grown adult.
I do try and keep an online diary and voice recordings and after looking back last night at it hit home how many times he actually physically hurts, although that’s not the main problem. He is v manipulative and calculated and is a person who helps all our elderly neighbours. He is not like this behind closed doors, though I fail to see how they can’t hear him. He’s intimidating, aggressive, belittling, a hypocrite, denies responsibility for anything saying it’s justified, possessive to the point it’s obsessive, hates my job, family, friends, lies, accuses me of all sorts and threatens constantly to lose my job, hurt someone or finish me ( whatever that is supposed to mean)
On the flip side, he’s loving, generous, complimentary but I guess it’s only when wants something or has ulterior motives.
I’m worried about phoning my local women’s aid again in case they think I’m a loser for bottling out last time and running back like a little puppy just wanting to be loved.

[Scapegoat]

Hey, I felt like this for first three weeks or so on antidepressants but after a month I tried taking them at a different time of day and they worked much better. However now after being on them for 3 months I feel like they’re not really doing their job and like you I’m taking them for anxiety caused by oh as was having major panic attacks. Initially they stopped the panic in that I really didn’t give a toss what happened any more as knew I couldn’t control it so accepted it was what it was. Been told can’t just come off them have to stay on the, for 6-9 months then gradually stop taking them.
Speak to your Dr again, May be that it takes time to settle or that particular type doesn’t suit you.
Take care xx

[Scapegoat]

Having suffered both, I think emotional is worse.It remains unnoticed by others and is enough to drive you crazy. Hate it to the point where I think I wish you’d just hit me as generally after being assaulted the abuse calms down a bit.

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