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    • #143783
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      Thanks everyone. Its so nice to be heard and understood. My world is so isolated these days. Its so difficult to see the truth. After weeks of hell, he ground me down and so I didn’t go to my group today. He slept all afternoon (presumably because he knew i was home) and has been delightful this evening. Chatty and helpful….and cuddling me! The man barely comes near me, let alone come to me for affection! And despite it making my skin crawl, I say nothing. It’s so confusing. I’m worried that after a few days I’ll forget these horrible times. How do i hold onto them?

    • #143782
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      I would say that it is. How can you consent if you are asleep? And sex should always be consensual. The way i see it, if it made you feel in any way violated, then it’s wrong xx

    • #70334
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      Cheers to that!!! šŸ„‚ xx

    • #70210
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      Iwantmeback….the food thing? Totally done that so many times! Iā€™ll eat whatever you want heā€™d say and get such and such from shopping but then heā€™d just eat sausage and chips every day! I love eating pasta and rice again šŸ˜ And the candles…..heā€™d say they were toxic, set his asthma off….though he could smoke weed all day, drink half a bottle of vodka at night and stick cocaine up his nostrils when he had chance!! šŸ™„ First thing I went and bought when we broke up….šŸ˜ to him!! xx

    • #70066
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      Sorry. That turned into a bit of a rant!! šŸ˜³

    • #69973
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      KIP….you are a fountain of knowledge my lovely! Grey rock it is! Kind of what I started doing already but now I can do it with purpose and knowledge! I have to admit, reading up on it….I got a little upset. Just, the more you read, the more you realise how incapable of any kind of real feeling these men are. Everything I felt was a lie, because heā€™s just a shell of a man. And Iā€™m just a pawn in his game. Itā€™s devastating. Iā€™ll admit, Iā€™ve had a bit of a cry. Feel empty….these past years, just wasted on someone so unworthy.
      And yet, I know itā€™s good. To know this. To realise it. Painful as it may be. I donā€™t want to live in a lie, in someone elseā€™s lie. I want the fantasy gone. I read an article about getting over a toxic relationship and one of the things it says is to find what it was that youā€™d imagined you would have from the relationship….what the hope was that kept you there and then you could let go of that and grieve. Tonight I realised that for me, it was the hope of us being a proper family. How you imagine. Doing stuff with the kids and going on holiday. Thatā€™s all I wanted. Not much really. But thatā€™s what Iā€™m losing. The hope of that. It was never going to be. Not with him. So at least realising means I can grieve for it and maybe be a little farther down the road.
      I wonder if Iā€™ll ever fully recover….is it possible even? Will I ever trust anyone else? More importantly, will I ever trust myself? But Iā€™m just grateful that Iā€™ve gotten this far. At least I have the peace of safety, which is more than what I had a few weeks back. Iā€™ll take it for now. Work on the rest later….šŸ¤·šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø Xx

    • #69971
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      Ha! A list of the double standard rules!! Gonna start that tomorrow!! šŸ˜‚

    • #69970
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      Oh and also ā€œit doesnā€™t matter if I follow my own rules as I make them and am therefore exempt!ā€ Xx

      (May have a little anger brewing in me tonight šŸ˜³)

    • #69969
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      I imagine their logic to go something like this…..ā€œthis is what I think, how I feel and what I want, it does not matter if itā€™s based in reality because Iā€™m never wrong….so therefore it is the correct way to be and live and anyone else is completely wrong and stupid for imagining anything different to me and will be told so in the most demeaning possible way if they dare to disagree!!!ā€ Somehow i imagine them like a toddler that never passed that stage of progression. Just a shame their bodies did because they wouldnā€™t be anywhere near as frightening then….šŸ™„šŸ˜© xx

    • #69944
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      My ex was weird like that too! Moaned about the smell of my washing (which he never bothered to do) but would then wear the same T-shirt for 2 or 3 days and his jeans for weeks! Gross! Theyā€™re unreal arenā€™t they?!? Xx

    • #69943
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      And btw, he says that I am cold and uncaring and obviously never loved him because I give him so little reaction! Thank goodness he doesnā€™t see the inner turmoil! Glad I took drama at gcse now!! šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚ x

    • #69942
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      IWMB….Iā€™m really not that level headed around him. I am very good at putting on an act however. I break down after I leave every time. This weeks visit was no different. Thankfully, I spend the hours my son is with him with my family and they have been great. They just let me cry and talk if I want. Thereā€™s not much to say though. Iā€™ve finally stopped carrying the guilt and blame. Now I know itā€™s him….Iā€™m no longer carrying hope. Itā€™s devastating. To realise that the man I loved never actually existed. But itā€™s made it easier this time to stay away. Because I know I canā€™t fix it. I canā€™t fix him. Heā€™s not broken, like I thought….at his best, heā€™s just not nice, at his worst….heā€™s plain dangerous (to me at least). I cry daily. Itā€™s strange, because Iā€™ve never been a cryer. My own family had only seen me cry a handful of times before that and my best friend of almost 3 decades had never seen me cry! Now itā€™s a common occurrence. I thought at first it was because I was pregnant but it wasnā€™t. Itā€™s him. Although I understand it all cognitively, emotionally it can still be a struggle. But Iā€™m allowing myself that. Being kind to myself. Because I never have been in my life. Iā€™ve always chastised myself. I had an abusive mother, so itā€™s how itā€™s always been.
      But he overplayed his hand this time. It wasnā€™t the violence, Iā€™m ashamed to say, but I have been used to that. It was what he said about my kids. Theyā€™re not his. He would never say those things about his own child. But my kids are my world. I have and would sacrifice anything for them and already felt awful about what he was doing to their home and mom. I couldnā€™t have any more. But if it had been just me….I would probably have followed him to the end of the earth and back. Iā€™m so glad I have the kids because they gave me the strength I need. Iā€™ve even taken all of his stuff to the house today…boxes and boxes of it. It was gutting. But he out of the house for real now! Iā€™m just taking it one step at a time. Itā€™s the only way it think xx

    • #69869
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      I feel your pain. I felt very much like that last time we broke up. Youā€™re not seeing straight right now. The urge is overwhelming you. I completely understand it. I have a child with my ex and have used it as an excuse to have contact far too often. Because I crave it. But the longer Iā€™m away, the less I need it.
      Only you can decide to do this. For you to even be questioning his behaviour mean that you know something is not right. Itā€™s how I always felt. But thereā€™s nothing to help. He doesnā€™t do it because heā€™s damaged but because he wants his own way and has learnt that this is how you get it. By indimidating, scaring, manipulating and guilting people. Itā€™s sad and upsetting, but none the less true.
      Youā€™re doing well. Youā€™re seeing things more clearly and eventually will find a way to the other side. The women here are fantastic and will help wherever they can. Theyā€™ve all been through this. Keep talking. Let it out. No judgment here…just unconditional support xx

    • #69865
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      I completely understand where youā€™re coming from. I often wonder if Iā€™m doing the right thing. But he genuinely has never given me cause for concern with regard to our son. He can no longer abuse me in front of him. And there is always a member of his family there with them. That being said, I am on high alert and prepared to take necessary action if need be. My counsellor has said that if there are any more violent incidents, it will be seen as a safeguarding issue. I will have to take action….or they will! And as unnerving as it is, I am prepared to do so.

    • #69859
      Sci-figirl
      Participant

      Iā€™ve been struggling the same way. Reading about trauma bonding and the physical and psychological effects it has really helped. Last time we broke up, I sounded so like you. I knew what he was, but he had never been violent towards me so I found it quite hard to counter against the pain of missing him. I was told it would escalate….and it did. He even said himself that itā€™s the way he is. It was inevitable. He had to, because I wasnā€™t behaving myself!
      Nothing could have stopped me going back to him. I nearly lost my family. I was so depressed. I went on antidepressants and told my doctor about the abuse. It really helped. They have taken the edge off so I can function better. Of course, theyā€™re not a quick fix and there are side effects. You have to choose for you. All I can say is that they helped.
      I have been keeping my mind busy, reaching out to people around me….posting on here. Reminding myself of the awful things heā€™s done helps. And knowing that the love I thought I felt is just a chemical reaction borne from the relief of the moments that I wasnā€™t being abused…that has been of great use.
      Our stories sound pretty similar tbh. Reach out if you need to…Iā€™ll be around! Take care xx

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