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16th May 2022 at 9:47 pm #143783Sci-figirlParticipant
Thanks everyone. Its so nice to be heard and understood. My world is so isolated these days. Its so difficult to see the truth. After weeks of hell, he ground me down and so I didn’t go to my group today. He slept all afternoon (presumably because he knew i was home) and has been delightful this evening. Chatty and helpful….and cuddling me! The man barely comes near me, let alone come to me for affection! And despite it making my skin crawl, I say nothing. It’s so confusing. I’m worried that after a few days I’ll forget these horrible times. How do i hold onto them?
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16th May 2022 at 9:38 pm #143782Sci-figirlParticipant
I would say that it is. How can you consent if you are asleep? And sex should always be consensual. The way i see it, if it made you feel in any way violated, then it’s wrong xx
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8th January 2019 at 5:29 pm #70334Sci-figirlParticipant
Cheers to that!!! š„ xx
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7th January 2019 at 1:22 pm #70210Sci-figirlParticipant
Iwantmeback….the food thing? Totally done that so many times! Iāll eat whatever you want heād say and get such and such from shopping but then heād just eat sausage and chips every day! I love eating pasta and rice again š And the candles…..heād say they were toxic, set his asthma off….though he could smoke weed all day, drink half a bottle of vodka at night and stick cocaine up his nostrils when he had chance!! š First thing I went and bought when we broke up….š to him!! xx
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5th January 2019 at 8:05 pm #70066Sci-figirlParticipant
Sorry. That turned into a bit of a rant!! š³
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4th January 2019 at 11:09 pm #69973Sci-figirlParticipant
KIP….you are a fountain of knowledge my lovely! Grey rock it is! Kind of what I started doing already but now I can do it with purpose and knowledge! I have to admit, reading up on it….I got a little upset. Just, the more you read, the more you realise how incapable of any kind of real feeling these men are. Everything I felt was a lie, because heās just a shell of a man. And Iām just a pawn in his game. Itās devastating. Iāll admit, Iāve had a bit of a cry. Feel empty….these past years, just wasted on someone so unworthy.
And yet, I know itās good. To know this. To realise it. Painful as it may be. I donāt want to live in a lie, in someone elseās lie. I want the fantasy gone. I read an article about getting over a toxic relationship and one of the things it says is to find what it was that youād imagined you would have from the relationship….what the hope was that kept you there and then you could let go of that and grieve. Tonight I realised that for me, it was the hope of us being a proper family. How you imagine. Doing stuff with the kids and going on holiday. Thatās all I wanted. Not much really. But thatās what Iām losing. The hope of that. It was never going to be. Not with him. So at least realising means I can grieve for it and maybe be a little farther down the road.
I wonder if Iāll ever fully recover….is it possible even? Will I ever trust anyone else? More importantly, will I ever trust myself? But Iām just grateful that Iāve gotten this far. At least I have the peace of safety, which is more than what I had a few weeks back. Iāll take it for now. Work on the rest later….š¤·š¼āāļø Xx -
4th January 2019 at 10:54 pm #69971Sci-figirlParticipant
Ha! A list of the double standard rules!! Gonna start that tomorrow!! š
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4th January 2019 at 10:53 pm #69970Sci-figirlParticipant
Oh and also āit doesnāt matter if I follow my own rules as I make them and am therefore exempt!ā Xx
(May have a little anger brewing in me tonight š³)
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4th January 2019 at 10:51 pm #69969Sci-figirlParticipant
I imagine their logic to go something like this…..āthis is what I think, how I feel and what I want, it does not matter if itās based in reality because Iām never wrong….so therefore it is the correct way to be and live and anyone else is completely wrong and stupid for imagining anything different to me and will be told so in the most demeaning possible way if they dare to disagree!!!ā Somehow i imagine them like a toddler that never passed that stage of progression. Just a shame their bodies did because they wouldnāt be anywhere near as frightening then….šš© xx
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4th January 2019 at 6:50 pm #69944Sci-figirlParticipant
My ex was weird like that too! Moaned about the smell of my washing (which he never bothered to do) but would then wear the same T-shirt for 2 or 3 days and his jeans for weeks! Gross! Theyāre unreal arenāt they?!? Xx
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4th January 2019 at 6:47 pm #69943Sci-figirlParticipant
And btw, he says that I am cold and uncaring and obviously never loved him because I give him so little reaction! Thank goodness he doesnāt see the inner turmoil! Glad I took drama at gcse now!! ššš x
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4th January 2019 at 6:43 pm #69942Sci-figirlParticipant
IWMB….Iām really not that level headed around him. I am very good at putting on an act however. I break down after I leave every time. This weeks visit was no different. Thankfully, I spend the hours my son is with him with my family and they have been great. They just let me cry and talk if I want. Thereās not much to say though. Iāve finally stopped carrying the guilt and blame. Now I know itās him….Iām no longer carrying hope. Itās devastating. To realise that the man I loved never actually existed. But itās made it easier this time to stay away. Because I know I canāt fix it. I canāt fix him. Heās not broken, like I thought….at his best, heās just not nice, at his worst….heās plain dangerous (to me at least). I cry daily. Itās strange, because Iāve never been a cryer. My own family had only seen me cry a handful of times before that and my best friend of almost 3 decades had never seen me cry! Now itās a common occurrence. I thought at first it was because I was pregnant but it wasnāt. Itās him. Although I understand it all cognitively, emotionally it can still be a struggle. But Iām allowing myself that. Being kind to myself. Because I never have been in my life. Iāve always chastised myself. I had an abusive mother, so itās how itās always been.
But he overplayed his hand this time. It wasnāt the violence, Iām ashamed to say, but I have been used to that. It was what he said about my kids. Theyāre not his. He would never say those things about his own child. But my kids are my world. I have and would sacrifice anything for them and already felt awful about what he was doing to their home and mom. I couldnāt have any more. But if it had been just me….I would probably have followed him to the end of the earth and back. Iām so glad I have the kids because they gave me the strength I need. Iāve even taken all of his stuff to the house today…boxes and boxes of it. It was gutting. But he out of the house for real now! Iām just taking it one step at a time. Itās the only way it think xx -
3rd January 2019 at 10:29 pm #69869Sci-figirlParticipant
I feel your pain. I felt very much like that last time we broke up. Youāre not seeing straight right now. The urge is overwhelming you. I completely understand it. I have a child with my ex and have used it as an excuse to have contact far too often. Because I crave it. But the longer Iām away, the less I need it.
Only you can decide to do this. For you to even be questioning his behaviour mean that you know something is not right. Itās how I always felt. But thereās nothing to help. He doesnāt do it because heās damaged but because he wants his own way and has learnt that this is how you get it. By indimidating, scaring, manipulating and guilting people. Itās sad and upsetting, but none the less true.
Youāre doing well. Youāre seeing things more clearly and eventually will find a way to the other side. The women here are fantastic and will help wherever they can. Theyāve all been through this. Keep talking. Let it out. No judgment here…just unconditional support xx -
3rd January 2019 at 9:14 pm #69865Sci-figirlParticipant
I completely understand where youāre coming from. I often wonder if Iām doing the right thing. But he genuinely has never given me cause for concern with regard to our son. He can no longer abuse me in front of him. And there is always a member of his family there with them. That being said, I am on high alert and prepared to take necessary action if need be. My counsellor has said that if there are any more violent incidents, it will be seen as a safeguarding issue. I will have to take action….or they will! And as unnerving as it is, I am prepared to do so.
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3rd January 2019 at 8:34 pm #69859Sci-figirlParticipant
Iāve been struggling the same way. Reading about trauma bonding and the physical and psychological effects it has really helped. Last time we broke up, I sounded so like you. I knew what he was, but he had never been violent towards me so I found it quite hard to counter against the pain of missing him. I was told it would escalate….and it did. He even said himself that itās the way he is. It was inevitable. He had to, because I wasnāt behaving myself!
Nothing could have stopped me going back to him. I nearly lost my family. I was so depressed. I went on antidepressants and told my doctor about the abuse. It really helped. They have taken the edge off so I can function better. Of course, theyāre not a quick fix and there are side effects. You have to choose for you. All I can say is that they helped.
I have been keeping my mind busy, reaching out to people around me….posting on here. Reminding myself of the awful things heās done helps. And knowing that the love I thought I felt is just a chemical reaction borne from the relief of the moments that I wasnāt being abused…that has been of great use.
Our stories sound pretty similar tbh. Reach out if you need to…Iāll be around! Take care xx
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