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    • #76058
      fridges
      Participant

      There are so many things what I was dreaming about.
      with my first abuser – I was not allowed to buy clothes, or to watch any movie or program, which one I would like. I could not have TV programmes, we had no TV package. I could not even buy a women’s magazine to read. I was not allowed to go to hairdresser, or dentist even if I was in pain. I have to eat when he is eating and eating what he allows me to eat. I was not allowed to say my thoughts or opinion, or idea. I was not allowed to spend my money. I was not allowed to make any choices. I was not allowed to carry on with education or working on my carrier. Or to have any dreams or ideas. Or sleep when I would like to. He was not allowing me to sleep properly. I was not allowed to have friends or be in touch with family.

      You have to do as I told you, or there would be consequences. He never stopped until he got what he wanted. No matter how you protest. So it was easier to give up, at least I would have a break from constant pressure and shouting, throwing things, verbal abuse, emotional, physical.

      Now I can do all these things, it is part of my life. I’m in the driving seat and NEVER want to give up this DRIVING seat.

    • #76054
      fridges
      Participant

      Before you will start to feel better, you will feel worse for a time being. By going no contact – is the best thing, what you can do. There would be a mourning period, where you can be angry, extremely upset, anxious, crying not stop.
      Please join the freedom programme, you are not alone. Read the books, which will help you to recover. If you can access therapy, please do so. Just choose the therapist, which is good for you. You need to feel that how you will get on. Not with all therapist is possible to do the deep work and heal woods.
      You never deserved what was done to you! and no other human can deserve either. No matter that he is blaming you. His opinions – DO NOT MATTER! remember it is his version to justify his abusive actions, his despicable behaviour to another human being. Often abusive men, dehumanize a woman, it gives them the right in the head, that it is ok to harm her, because…. they can invent many reasons why… But NONE of them is reality.
      It took me so long to feel more or less better. It is the work what you have to do on you. Healing is a super hard, but it is worth at the end. It will give you the EMPOWERED woman, a new version of you.
      It took me so long to actually reach for help and start to speak. After I reached for help, this is when my transformation started and still in the process.

    • #76053
      fridges
      Participant

      There is a great book – Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
      Please read it, it will help you.
      I have been asking a lot the same question and I stopped. It was the choice of harming me, intentionally. It was a choice of my abusers, for them, it is a normal thing to do. But it is not my fault. I did not harm people and never will. They feel entitled to do that, the best thing what you can do is to take away this entitlement by removing yourself from the abuse. The hatred after you do that, beyond the description, as you took something away from the abuser, so precious and so valuable. The abusers do not love, they use ‘love’ as a weapon to abuse. What they call love, never has been love and never will be. But you can choose the real love – love for you, love for life, love to make changes, love for friendship, love to create. Love is not about taken someone else choices, but the opposite to give more choices and more opportunities.

    • #76043
      fridges
      Participant

      First, it will be hard, very hard, but trust you will feel better with time. I guarantee you. Think about how nice it will be to do things what you wanted to do for a long time, but could not! And if you do not know what to do with your time and where you belong, then it would be a perfect time to discover who you truly are!
      I advise you to create your support network to help you to deal with the loneliness and think about activities to make you feel less lonely. I know it can be scary to walk to a new life, but it will be beneficial for you and do not be afraid of this lonely period. Time to take the bad stuff from your life and substitute with the good stuff.

    • #76042
      fridges
      Participant

      Hopelifejoy, please do not get so upset about the interview, it does not make you any worse. It is only the interview, it does not make you a failure! You have to be persistent and if this interview did not work out well, it does not mean it always will be this way. Sometimes we need to try 100 times before it will work out, and the one who will be on winning side, who kept trying! Be more gentle on yourself, find the new ways how to comfort yourself and treat yourself well! I know from myself how I can struggle to be good to me and detach from the past experiences, and all abuse I went through. But I remind myself, I have survived and it means I have to make something good out of my life.
      I have to change, I have to grow and helped along the way to other women with similar experiences.
      Think about a few things how you can improve the way you feel about yourself, think about little steps what you would like to take on your life journey. It is better to take a little step a day, than none at all!
      There is a good podcast I listen too, she is an american life coach, who helps me to build my confidence – champagne diet by Cara.
      When I found this site – I was so broken, that I thought I’m beyond any repair. But I take time to heal all that was broken and taken away from me and I intend to continue this journey. Hope you will as well!!!!

    • #76040
      fridges
      Participant

      Hello, nothinglikeme,
      I’m not sure how fine all it was after beating because it just can not be. It is good that you started therapy and able to talk about how you feel and look deeper in a safe way. Why did you feel that you have to take him back?
      He is clingy, as he sees the changes that are happening inside you. His separation anxiety should not make your heart melt, it is his own issue and you are not responsible for this. You have the right to choose what is good for you in life and make a priority of your well being. His words ‘it’s not about me, you’re are more important’ sound fake to me. If it was a happy relationship, you would not have doubts, you would live your life and love it. Carry on with the therapy and connect with yourself. During the abusive relationships, we get disconnected from ourselves far too much.
      I’m doing myself therapy for the second year and it helped me so much, hope it will help you too, become more aware of everything.

    • #75814
      fridges
      Participant

      He is playing you up. It is one of the tactics – to go missing, so you will think more about him, worry and so on. He is disregarding you, it is one of the ways to take control away from you. Have been in two relationships myself and this is so typical. He wants to be in your head, raise your fear and anxiety, gives him more power and control over you.

    • #74116
      fridges
      Participant

      The abuser makes you intentionally vulnerable and you are looking validation from a very wrong person. He is not capable to give you the accurate answers and by seeking validation through him, this road will not lead you to a good place. Please learn more about the patterns, please find the freedom group in your area, please find at least one person outside to whom you can speak openly and who can help you see through the situation.
      Somewhere I read the validation is only for the parking space.
      Your feelings and emotions are important, please put yourself first.

    • #74097
      fridges
      Participant

      Thank you for doing so! with time she will understand, with time she will experience on herself, he will not change, he will not become suddenly a nice man. At least now she knows Clare’s law. More likely your ex makes the evil out of you, or call you a crazy woman. As mine two exes did, I was the crazy one, as I did want out and tried my best.
      Time passes and she might be later contacting you and tell you, thanks for pointing me out. Police know what he did, he would not be on the register. I will be listening for sure, if someone would warn me now about a man, this will not be disregarded.

    • #74067
      fridges
      Participant

      I’m very sorry, what is happened to you. Hurting you and not to stop when you have asked it is not ok, and it is a violation towards you and your body. You have the strength inside you to leave him, but not realizing it yet.
      I was ignored, I was very badly ignored when I said no, and I was crying non-stop, yet my abuser kept telling me the next day, this is what I was asking for. After cutting all ties and going no contact, maybe the survival instinct worked there, I started to realize every step, every little thing how I got manipulated and forced. Still can not put together how another human being can be to another human being, and act in such an evil way. I saw so much and I hurt so much and learning how to feel safe again, not sure I can make 100% progress there, but I try to foresee a better future. You can go to the rape center, they will listen to you and will comfort you. Create support around you to leave him.

    • #71035
      fridges
      Participant

      Hello,
      Very good that you take off from him and started to make acknowledged what is going out. Clearly you are not happy, clearly you are feel pushed and clearly there is a coercion.
      Have been to similar relationship – where it worked this way – sexually abuse me, then cover it up with gifts and pretending extra nice.
      The words – he has high libido, he has his needs, it has been so long, expectations that sex should happen at least certain amount in the week – it is all coercion and pressure on you.
      Taking off the condom – this is sexual abuse. Personally in my eyes it is a rape, you are forced to take the risk of your own health. You are very very clearly expressed that you do not want this happened. Secretly taking the condom – it was done intentionally, he clearly states with this action, no matter what – I will get what I want and I do not care about you at all. This man takes the power from you and it is not good. This is only the beginning and do not ignore your feelings and brush this behaviour under the carpet. Better to deal with the a such beast sooner than later. You are not obliged to sleep with him, even if he gets you a gift. It is his choice to give a gift and you choice must be – to choose you! and yours well being!
      Even if you wish some help financially from a man, look for the safe one. There could be someone respectful, be nice to you, but will not put you under such distress and upset emotions like this one.
      Be simple in decisions – you do not want to see him anymore, you have TOTAL RIGHT, to change the number or block him, without any explanation.

    • #76041
      fridges
      Participant

      Right now to me, it sounds ridiculous when a man throws such words. It is objectifying. One of the similar words ‘Men would be men” finding very repulsive as well. No, thanks do not want to be with someone, who thinks this way.
      One of my abusers – had the thing – he will go only for women who are under 30 years old. When you get closer to 30, you are an old, unwanted good, which passed the date. How disgusting is that?
      And he will be with the women until this age only.

    • #75601
      fridges
      Participant

      @CityMum – I hope you will be able to do that, slowly, but steady steps. We so much think about someone else need and were put into the pressure of his needs, that it can erase us, as a person. Abuse does that, it erases the person, you feel you do not live, but hardly exist and holding on. Time to live up for your standard and your vision, not to his, where it is distractive to you. With therapy I figured it out, no man in my personal life was a healthy relationship.
      And if someone was a decent and good man, I will stick to the awful, because my self-esteem was erased, my feeling of myself was erased. For me it is such relief I took control of the situation, I took the power back and hope other women will find the courage to do that.

    • #75600
      fridges
      Participant

      @fizzylem – what a wonderful thought you have, to choose your own path, your own idea of life and how things should be in your life. IT IS YOUR LIFE! Go, go and get all that you lie for yourself!
      I’m trying hard this for me, I survived so much and no longer, I want just to float in life. And no longer I going to accept creepy behavior towards me. Hope all women look for inner strength to grow and rise from ashes, to be reborn.

    • #70034
      fridges
      Participant

      Hello, dear shine bright.
      You did the brave thing – to start to talk about what is happened to you, it is a very hard part and this one step towards healing from what you have been through.
      It is very sad for me to hear what happened to you and none of this is right.
      The police office is right – if you have been crying, if you asked him to stop and he did not, if you have been in any distress – it is rape.
      By being your husband does not give him the automatic consent from your side and green light to have sex on you, whenever he wants. You are human being, you are woman, you not obliged to do. And if for the future you decide you never want to have sex again – it is your RIGHT! And other people should respect it and not to push you.
      If someone pushes you to have sex, when you do not want, it is not ok, no matter who this person is.
      You might not aware, but women are it risk to be raped by their partners more than by a stranger.
      I decided that I will not have sex, unless I will marry and feel this is what I want. Since that decision I started to feel I’m more in control finally.
      Finally there is no one who will be coercing me with fear, pressure, blackmailing, obligation, physical, emotional abuse. I feel that my body belongs to me, I hope with time you will feel the same.
      What he did to you, you are not to blame, it is his action and you should not put his blame on you. Detach yourself from it.
      Abusers use many excuses to abuse and none of them valid! There is no excuse for it !
      Not all men are like him, but I understand your fear about them, it is the consequences of his actions.
      The condom is too small and hurt him – it is the lie! He thinks only about his agenda.
      In Islam – wife can divorce husband if he is abusive to her, have no guilt feeling about it. Also he should have treated you well as wife, it is his duty.

      Please read the myth vs realities about sexual violence. Hope the link will show up.

      https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/myths-vs-realities/

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