shine bright 2

[shine bright 2]

Hello Bumblebee,
I rarely post responses on here although I had lots I useful advise. I don’t always feel I have much to contribute.
I have felt exactly like u and sometimes I still do. But I left, and lost everything. It’s is the best thing I did. My children were witnesses. I wouldn’t want anyone’s kids to go through that. We are hard up and everything is a struggle but the kids don’tbhave to hide while he hits me, they don’t have to walk on egg shells and they are never agin going to be in a position where they put themselves between me an him.
I waited on my ex like a servant,and didn’t have contact with any males outside the family. Getting away was massive and it took alot of help. Dealing with police and people was overwhelming. I left family and friends, but you can find strength. I lived I. A culture where I do t hardly mix outside of my own background and my world had opened up.

Imagine living in a world where you can do things fo yourself, you can make choises and u are not afraid. I was beaten, raped, financially and emotionally controlled by him and his family…and now I’m free. I’m not brave or strong. I am a tiny, disorganised and timid person. I did it. You can do it.

My children keep me going too. I have been very close to leaving them. Your daughter needs a mum in one piece. Can you start taking some small steps? Contact WA? It took me a long time and alot of small steps.

Many times people sent me a hug and for once I felt like someone cares. Sending a hug. X

[shine bright 2]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone. Been struggling with my mental health and getting help with it. Kind word help. My daughter sleeps with her phone face down under a pillow because she is convinced he is watching or hunting for us. It’s difficult to get support for her too. Such a long wait. All gets a bit overwhelming. Thank you all. X

[shine bright 2]

Thanks KIP, just inside limit. Have started looking through statements etc…hence the meltdown. Maybe no win no fee. Not sure I would get legal aid. I think worth it when I think what I lost…which includes income.

Thanks for advise x

[shine bright 2]

Thank you all so much. Often I can see all the good,it just sometimes feels like overwhelming loss. Often in life you lose something.. a lived one, a job etc but losing it all at once was hard.
I’m so sorry about your home L.O.N.C that must be so bad and yet you are still strong.life is very unfair. I can tell you gave such a good heart and yet u r suffering. I can never understand that. I always take strength from people here. I am seeking compensation for my injuries and I think that has really affected me..reading victim impact statements and all that. I feel very much that he got out of prisons djuat carried on while my life stopped still.

It’s not the names really it’s what they were connected to…you know. Remembering the kids as babies and choosing their names etc it’s our history. I know it’s not the names that make that history but we don’t even talk about ourselves anymore. We are closed books. Sort of non people.
I am taking strength from comments here. KIP you are like a fortress to me. Always full of determination. I don’t know how anyone on here keeps going. I tell myself to be more like that,but I just feel crushed. I met someone,but I’ve put the brakes on because I’m just too scared and also a bit embarrassed by what happened to me before. Like someone who is not from my backgroung might just think typical oppressed Muslim woman if u know what I mean.
How do you keep going? He’s still looking for us and it makes we want to hide in a corner forever. How do u do it?

[shine bright 2]

We have all changed names. I hate it. I feel lost.

[shine bright 2]

I think your right fizzy. I thinks that is what I should do. I think sometimes I just end up going along with stuff because I’m not really used to making decisions. I do like him, bit had so many changes in life not ready for something big.
I am a bit scared that he seems so good. U know like maybe it’s not possible. So many things worry me. Like maybe I would be huge disappointment to him. I only ever been with my ex husband. No one else. I think I will seem stupid and inexperience. Most people by thirties have experience. We haven’t talked about anything like that, although things are going more that way. The words of everyone ring in my head ..my marriage failed cos I’m too western, too much talking to men and not caring what people think …like now I am confirming that. It doesn’t matter really cos I am along way from all that, but I still hear it all those voices even though I never looked at anyone while I was with him.

I think u and twisted sista helped alot because I do want to take time and not rush into aomething

[shine bright 2]

Thanks for replies. I think you are both right. I do feel about like things are going a bit faster than I really want them to. I had never really set out to get involved in a romantic way and I’m not really totally sure I want to. It’s hard because it is so nice to have someone be nice to me and give me attention. But after my ex the idea of being with someone fills me with dread.

I’m having steroid injections to make scars less ugly, but I still feel like I don’t want to be with someone in that way. But at the same time I kind of don want to walk away. Idk

[shine bright 2]

Moved and broken. Like person I was is dead. New name, new town, new schools, new doctor, no friends, no family. He lives two roads from my old house. I am so angry that my life was turned upside down Inthe most extreme way and yet he has been allowed to carry on living in that area. He beat me, assaulted me and did terrible things and then he punished me more by making sure I couldn’t live their…fair? No.

[shine bright 2]

Thank you.
TS….not sure I can access old measages. I think it’s kind of like child birth. You remember but your brain numbs it a little bit so you can survive. I can look at scars and think he did that, but I can no longer really remember the pain. I feel a bit better atm and I’ve been told by GP that I can get steroid injections that will make scars less bumpy and red. I cried when she said. They’re another reason I don’t so somethings. I love swimming. I swim in shorts at ladies swimming but I’m still scared people will see. If they can be a bit better that will help.
It’s Weir co sometimes I actually feel the pain of those injuries…sometimes the skin feels tight and it reminds me..i can’t describe how much it hurt….and actually I did think I was gonna die. Actually I think it is good TS that u have reminded and you to LONC. Even typing this kind of makes me see what other people see. You know like if I sat here any typed all the things again I would suddenly go oh my gods it was bad.
Oh God Benson…..I have also been there standing there on the edge thinking I could find peace. I my belief suicide is a sin, but sometimes I wanna sleep… But I have my kids. I am grateful but at the same time I do feel like collateral damage I think that’s the phrase. Like they let him out cos he has connections and information they wanted about othe stuff.
I going to try and so some new things like a sport. Thinking j might take up things that he would have disapproved of..haha. I like the idea of doing martial arts and also maybe study something.He always told me my English is crap. I dont think it is since I was young when I learned English and came here with my family. If I study maybe I can prove something to myself.
I had a clinical psychologist but she is retiring. She is the only person who I felt ok telling everything to and so I’m sad because I feel like it will be hard to get used to someone else.. that’s why I’m coming here more atm, things have been so dark and lonely and now I might have to move again to get a better job. This forum has been a thing thats there all the time for me and there always people who make me feel ok about myself like I am not a hideous scarred monitor that can’t keep a husband of support her kids

[shine bright 2]

Maybe it’s better to take my chances and go home.

[shine bright 2]

I need the crisis mental health team but too scared because they were gonna a section me before.
The organization I need to deal with are exempt from freedom of information act… Really.
Tired. I want to be near someone who cares for me.

[shine bright 2]

Thank you so much.
Lisa, I have thought about contacting crisis mental health team but I do see what it will change and before they wanted to section me. I don’t want the kids to through that.

I’m tired working two jobs.. Y old job was specialized and couldn’t get that job here. I just feel like we are objects. They needed to keep the objects safe. Job done.its Eid and we are alone. Not really celebrating
Never thought about sport sunshine. Ex wouldnt really let me… Not at gym because it’s mixed. I have no idea what sport I would do. I like the idea of running. Just running and running. There lots of green here but I’m a bit scared of countryside!
Twisted sister.. You are Karma in my mind… Because it suits u.. Makes me think of peace. I thought maybe rights of women but wasn’t sure if it’s something they would do. The officer in charge said he thought he was a danger to women… But he was released as no longer danger to public. It makes me scared.
I miss having people to talk with so much. We have made friends but I guess it takes time to have proper friendships, and we cant say much about our lives. The kids are good and I can see they are better away from him.. They are confident and not nervous… But I feel like a failure because I’m finding it hard. It’s so different here to where we are from.
I don’t know if I’m mad but I think it’s like too much protection, too big… Surely things weren’t that bad, surely he wasn’t really going to kill us… That can’t be right can it? I used to think the kids would keep me going but I don’t know that I am even good for them

[shine bright 2]

Thank you for the great advise I just don’t feel very good.
I have a job here and we all made friends… But not the same as people you knew all your life. Not at all.
The police can take me to grave, but it will take time they will me…bjt then I have to bring the kids or they would get one of them to look after them
I can’t have any contact with any friends of family if I want to keep their protection.. I. Not even sure if I do.
The thing is I think they are above the law. They just picked us up and brought us here. It took months to get all new documents…so isolating. I think there will be people reading this who envy my position… No going to a refuge everything sorted for me till I got a job… But what I think is
… What the hell are they scared of to do all this. I have nothing.. Noone… Why were they so sure that I couldn’t be protected where I was. Now I have just disappeared. Sometimes I cry for my daughters old names…the names I chose. I like new names but it’s like we have no history.
I want to know why the minister for justice signed to release him. I am afraid. May Allah forgive me I don’t feel like I have the courage to keep going.

[shine bright 2]

They told me it’s not safe. They can’t protect me if I do. I have to stay away from “target” areas. So why not just give up.

[shine bright 2]

I want my mum back. My umi. I at least want to visit her Grave without being afraid it will lead him to us. Sometimes I want to be with her.

[shine bright 2]

I had enough. People say reach out.. But I have no one to reach out to.

[shine bright 2]

Thank you both for replying. I’m sorry to hear about your cousin LONC. It’s crap that victims suffer that way.
Yes, sometimes I have to remind myself what things were like then to know we are better here. I think I would be dead if I stayed.
Thanks for the advise KIP
It’s really hard because he was also criminal and I think he made a deal with the police which is why they helped me move
.. Cos they knew he would be out. I can’t go into detail on here but I have complained but I get told that they can’t give me this information because it is sensitive etc… So I’m left feeling let down.

I feel like I have no identity anymore. I don’t know who I am. In the beginning I had some help with money but now I’m broke again and lost as a person. Sometimes it feels that it was easier to be hit than to be going to the food bank or worrying how to survive. I feel like I’m lstting my kids down
Yes KIP I think about moving again but I feel like I just a refugee. We cam here via two other places.i don’t know if I can do it again.. Especially this time with no help
Last time we just picked a ace off the map and they put us in a car…. No goodbyes nothing. There are people who will think we are dead. I cry when I think about that.
They promised us psychological help. We saw once now I just see crisis mental health team if things really bad.i used to have nightmares that he was dead in My wardrobe and I would open the door and he would come back to life. Don’t know what to do.

[shine bright 2]

Hi Wildness,
Having been through this I would agree with Lisa’s comment. My kids were on a child protection plan, but it only came to that because I repeatedly declined to press charges and let him back in the home
I think they will be looking at how you are protecting the kids. That’s their main concern.. The physical and emotional well being of the kids.
It’s is definetely best to be honest and Co operative. People are scared of social workers. Some are better than others, but if I’m honest it was only when thing escualted massively that they took strong action.

[shine bright 2]

Does it hurt? Can u get lady tatooer… Is that the word? I don’t know if they can do on bumpy scars though. Might Google see if I can find out.

[shine bright 2]

I gotta find my own place to live. That quote is gonaa go on a wall somewhere.

[shine bright 2]

I love the idea of a tattoo… Mostly cos the ex would have hated something like that. Maybe I can gat a big 🌹 on my butt like Cheryl Cole…. Thats made me chuckle.

Thank everyone.. I can do this new life.. I can

[shine bright 2]

Thank so much for the supportive words. My mind is kind of blown by the idea that I could say no to anything. But at least I know I can do things at my own speed… Which I think if I every get to that point is going to be very very slow. It is very frightening but I hope that if I do get to that point where I can allow things to happen then I will be with someone I really trust.
I think ie will be hard for me to ever be with someone because of the emotional scars and also cos of the physical scars. It scars me that I might have to explain them to someone. When I was gonna go to court there was a policeman who always put his hand on the arch of my back. Just like when u go through doors and things. It amge me flinch everytime.. Because he is a man but also cos he is touching the marks. I don’t know if uld ever cope with someone really touching me where they are. The ex used to run his finger over them. It feel like a risk to let anyone close… But I have a choice this time.
Thank to all the brilliant smart ladies here.. So much wise words and help.

[shine bright 2]

Hi lisa
I forgot how to send. Messages and things to. Moderator and Im rushing. I only just realised this was reported for inappropriate content. I feel a bit upset cos. It wasn’t bt intention to offend. Sorry if this onversation is t allowed its just I don’t have people to ask. I’m still building friendships in new place and before it was very tabboo to ask anh thing. I hope I didn’t break. The rules or that I didn’t upset people here by starting it. Maybe a book would have been better option!
It has taken every single drop of strength to get over what he did and sometimes i want to talk to people who are no councellors or police or mental health etc just people who are supportive and have experience. Again sorry if it’s not allowed. Not my intention to be deliberately inappropriate just trying to get across what it was like and other people the same I think.

[shine bright 2]

Thank you so much to everyone. This thread has made me want to cry because I have talked about things that I never could. I wish I could have had this conversation before. It has shown to me too how wrong it is to not socialise with people outside your own culture and hear different perspectives.
Part of the reason I done all this hiding is to know my girls are safe. My ex would have given into his mother and got them cut. I would never forgive myself. I thin reading a book is a good idea @freedomtochoose. I really want to be more open with my own kids, although I know they have sex Ed at school I never talk about it. I hope that I can. I know this sounds stupid because I’m not a teenage anymore but my kids will be and I don’t know anything…si any good book will help.

Its so very different with this man. He is a friend… That is different for a start. I can be friends with a man. He has been married but he knows how to take care of his son and look after him… It stuff I never really experience.
This conversation has been a bit of a game changer for me and I am literally crying because the enourousness of everything has struck me…. I have choices… I can say no. Its not that I thought that was impossible until I spoke to people here.. But this has given me courage to know that I can. When I was him I can’t think of one time that I had the courage to make a choice of my own. Now I can.

[shine bright 2]

Ahh thanks TS. I stepped on my phone and it does all sorts of annoying stuff so I feel your pain.

Maddog… Yes the police were kind, but it was hard. In the end it was physical stuff and harrasment that got him locked up because I couldn’t describe the other things to people face to face even though I wrote a statement. When he moved to secure psychiatric hospital they decided he was recovered. Thats why they hid us.

TS you said something that I find difficult. That a woman can say no and it doesn’t mean he can go elsewhere. But, why not? I mean it’s a major part of marriage isn’t it. I mean why should a man be deprived of an important part of life.
I was always tired with all the kids and he got frustrated.
One of the things I never talk to people about is the fact that he wanted to get another wife. I think that people would think stupid oppressed woman how could u stay with a man like that. Its something that women in my culture I afraid to even talk about because they are scared it could happen to them. But in some way I kinda see the logic.. Like if u go in a cafe and they do t give u food then u would just go to another cafe.

This might be inappropriate… Sorry if it is, but what makes sex nice? I’m sorry to ask, but if I’m being honest I don’t ever want it again. I’m sorry to sound rude but I just felt like an object… How does it not feel like that? In our culture the woman is not really meant to enjoy sex. I was not circumcised cos my parents were agaist its common. My husband was angry about that. It wasnt always physical pain that made it not enjoyable

I’m sorry to ask these kind of questions but I’ve never been able to ask anyone. I hope no one things it’s rude or anything. It’s just that atm I can’t see every wanting that kinda relationship and maybe I will end up sad and lonely. Maybe I’m. Just obsessing cos I miss people.

[shine bright 2]

Thanks for the honest answers
DIY.. He went to prison for some of wht he did so I got some justice.
Im just scared really. Scared that other men are secretly like him too.
It is a stupid fear but I’m getting closer to this guy from work. He is white and English. I’m worried he might have very different expectations of me(I don’t mean this badly) but with my husband he was happy that I was young and a virgin. Nothing else mattered until he got bored of my inexperience. What if this guy is expecting me to be more like in charge. I have no idea because I only know sex with one person and that was about pain and humiliation. I don’t really know how to flirt and things or how to deal with contraception.
I think this guy sees me as all very western and Liberal but before this year I had almost no contact with men I’m not related to. My husband once slapped me hard because I let a male plumber in the house… Seriously, like I could wait for a female plumber and then he could say how disgusting for a woman to do that job.
Really I’m not sure if I could be more than friends because it is so scarey. I think he might be disappointed in me same as my ex.

[shine bright 2]

Thanks KIP. I have thought about trying to go private. Hadn’t thought about seeing if any charity could help, but you never know. Sometimes it’s surprising what’s available. Could try and save… A goal I guess, though not sure I could save that much. Going to look into it all. Could go back to. GP as well and pester a bit.

[shine bright 2]

Thank you. I read these when waiting for universal credit appointment. Always worked and never had to claim anything but wages are much lower now. Felt like I was going to burst into tears. It was horrible. It’s taken this long to get new documents and things to be able to work. These posts cheered me up. 😀

[shine bright 2]

Sorry if I’m talking too much..
thanks for the lovely words of encouragement.Thwy mean alot. Feeling properly sorry for myself atm. Don’t even know why. Christmas maybe. It feels very lonely. Just me and the kids. I am allowds to see o e person from old life. But it involves.neeting somewhere random and us and our kid being driven their. It’s good that they help us do this but weird.
It’s just me and the kids right now. It is different here cos very few people who are not white. We had nice days together and we the kids and presents even though we are not Christian. Eid (our Xmas) tends to be new clothes so get the other stuff at Xmas.
Yeah daisy they are a bit past rainbkws and unicorns now although youngest still lives in her own little worlds sometimes.
They are the thing that I a m proud of. The o ly thing really. They are happy and smart. They are not like me… Which is good. Sometimes they think. It’s funny that I’m afraid of everything but they also understand.

The scars don’t really stop everyday activity although they can feel tight sometimes. I think it’s more the way they look and feel and the psychological effect. The worst thing was that he used to trace his fingers over them. I would hold. My breath when he did that. I don’t know why… Just remembering I guess.
Can I see a Plastic surgeon if the GP says no. I dont know how I would, do that. I was talking to police man, about it and he was saying its. Not like a miracle that’s suddenly going to make u feel OK. I do get that, but it would be nice not to be. Reminded so much.
This is probably so stupid but can they even do it on your back side? Legs and back yes, but for some reason I’m not sure they could do that. I. Also not sure that I could cope with having lots of lots of people see. It seems humiliating even though it would be medical people.

Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing?
Best wishes and thanks to all.

[shine bright 2]

Thanks so much everyone. I just seem to ha e hit a massive wobble. I think perhaps now all the drama and attention has died down and I am on my own it all feels a bit scarey. I guess it has also meant that I can reflect a bit and feel angry both at myself and him and our families.
So much good advise. Thank you.
I think it might be a while til I can see scars as anything but a kind of branding.I used to get angry and self harm to try and get rid of them. I don’t now.
I don’t know the bill of rights for women KIP.. But sounds like a very good thing.
Is anyone able to explain to me the difference between a psychologist a psychiatrist and a councellor. I was given psychologist as part of. Whole new name new identity thing and again when I was seen my the crisis mental health team. What’s the difference in what they do?
Thanks again everyone for keeping me going.

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