SilkyHalide

[SilkyHalide]

Thanks lovelies
I’ve determined to be better tomorrow. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, grief only those who have felt it understand, so I’m allowed a few days of shut down.
I know he’s not superior it’s just sickening he has to hurt me and the children to try and convince me he is.
Yes I will now make plans.

[SilkyHalide]

Hi Robin
My ex only stopped things when we were at crisis point (i.e. I was trying to end our relationship)
At the time, each time, I thought “he’s trying” what I realise now is that he simply changed to a different tactic and he was in control of these behaviours otherwise how would he just stop so easily?
It was more alarming to find he was in control when he was violent/aggressive, he actually admitted he chose to act this way to scare us into submission!
“I was always in control” “I’d do the same again to get the message across”
Like he was being a good teacher of life lessons not a man who couldn’t handle his anger.

[SilkyHalide]

Hi Strube
Apart from court order your post could be mine !
I’m Lucky if I see my teens once a month. I can add to this “I hate that he still makes me minimise/excuse his behaviour” I still can’t quite accept his intentions are so damaging I feel myself softening and tempted to extend an olive branch but then I keep trying to remember this empathetic approach always ends up with another proverbial kick in the teeth. I do however feel that i would do well to forgive but need to do it without letting my guard down. The bitter expectation keeps you safe but also keeps you trapped. In my view that is.

[SilkyHalide]

It doesn’t matter that he earns more than you they don’t take that into account once CMA get involved.

[SilkyHalide]

His threat over tipping the balance further if he has to go to court is probably a bluff to scare you to agree out of court.
He can get the child benefit transferred to him if he has them more than you. This stops you claiming child maintainance (I know you don’t anyway but if he’s thinking you might in the future) it also means he can claim from you!

[SilkyHalide]

Hi Bun
There are many in similar position. You can guarantee that there is some hidden motive if he is trying to force a rebalancing in his favour. The subtle change rather than him trying for a large rebalance is probably a stealth tactic to not appear unreasonable but to achieve advantage and control.
Is child benefit in your name? Could he be about to have a significant change in income? Speak to Women’s aid and see if they can help or refer you to free legal advice from someone experienced in DV financial abuse.

[SilkyHalide]

Yes.
Also clothes shopping or in fact shopping for anything.
My children became anxious too and one of them suffered panic attacks while out shopping together but this could have been transference of my anxiety so in indirect effect on them.
I am finding it easier now but still have moments.
I would take so long I would get in a panic and would end up leaving without finishing because my panic about not being at home when he expected would overwhelm me.
I couldn’t buy things I wanted as guilt over spending money or time on myself was overwhelming

[SilkyHalide]

There are a few books I read in recent years that I didn’t seek out but did reflect topics of domestic abuse. I think they helped me see that trusting your own instincts and feelings is always right. No relationship is what it seems on the public face of it. An abuser can make you look crazy to hide thier abuse. You can come through stronger than before. You can escape. You can free yourself.
I don’t want to name them as discovery is part of the process of enjoying these books and gaining the insight needed.
Some of these have been made into films, if you have seen the films they may not have the same affect as the books. Like with sleeping with the enemy the film never captures the length and depth of the abuse and how long it takes to get to the point of finally breaking free.
In one book the man is actually the abused but he doesn’t break free, however he does find a way to take back some control.

[SilkyHalide]

I’ve hardly stopped smiling all week. It feels amazing!
I’ve had nasty emails, not seen my kids for weeks and no luck on job front so far but I’m excited for my new life and feel a huge weight has finally lifted.
I’m getting me back and I really like and appreciate her now!
And smiling is definitely good for you.

[SilkyHalide]

I used to wish he would drop dead because I was scared of leaving. And didn’t see a way out without loosing everything.
Now I’ve lost everything anyway….lol so I wasn’t being paranoid. No health is fine.
I still get moments when I wish he would drop dead never in revenge purely because I want the pain to stop and don’t see how he will ever let go. Hope once finances sorted his motives will ebb away.

[SilkyHalide]

Thanks HA, Tuppence and FS
My heart goes out to you FS and hope you all are gaining strength as I am (although you might not think it regarding this topic) 😉

[SilkyHalide]

Hopefully I can do that when the financial bit is sorted.
however he is no fool and I am not a liar.
Anything less than full compliance will still cause him to obstruct and I may as well still be with him if I have to fear everything I do or say could be used against me.
I have been giving him rope to hang himself but they are small and short lived victories and another battle ensues.

[SilkyHalide]

It would probably be less painful for me (and better for my mental wellbeing) to not even attempt to play any part in thier lives until they “come back” as everyone says they will. But I feel they need to know (keep being reminded) I haven’t abandoned them and I will not let their dad bully me anymore.

[SilkyHalide]

Therefore reinforcing to the children it is me who’s causing their pain not their dad.

[SilkyHalide]

Hi HA
Yes I do send little love you messages, I’m here messages etc. Every few days being as careful as I can not to make the messages pressurised in any way.
I mostly get no response.
He obstructs access unless it’s on his terms/ he has control. It’s impossible to co parent because he undermines everything I do/don’t do without his sanction/approval. He condones any undesirable behaviour or boundary crossing in their interactions with me. Allows them to not take responsibility when with me.
I stand up to his unreasonable controlling demands and he twists it to appear that I am being obstructive. He allows them to ignore me and not bother with me because I’ve stayed firm on a boundary they want to cross (yes they are children so they want to cross/test every boundary!)
I remain strong and calm now against his attempts to control me but a period of broken communication with children always ensues. This is what’s driving me crazy as I don’t know if they are ok or if they need me but can’t get through the barriers either. I suspect what he might me saying to them at each period of silence and how they might interpret/ absorb his opinions with no communication with me and how that might make them feel. It’s also heartbreaking to know he is deliberately doing all this for revenge and financial abuse, and the children are being used and manipulated against their own parent. And other adults are consoling them thinking what poor children to have such a terrible mother.

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