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    • #127571
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      This is a very sad thread to read. My children are all young adults now and it is only very recently that they have begun to see for themselves what their father has been up to. Now that I am out of the way he can’t torment me so he has started to play his sinister games with them. One of my children actually named his behaviour to them as gaslighting. It is heartbreaking to see their confusion because they love him but his behaviour is toxic. I don’t know how people can do this to their own children – I guess it’s that belief in their own entitlement. Wishing you and your children well Thistle06. x

    • #126869
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      My GPS were always very supportive over the years – I think having doctors who are aware of domestic abuse and it’s impact on health is a great help. X

    • #126838
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Living under chronic stress caused me significant physical illness – that was the tipping point for me. I knew if I stayed I wouldn’t survive. I think we try to adjust psychologically and emotionally, but the body tells us clearly what is happening and eventually we have to listen. Xx

    • #126767
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Watersprite – safety,freedom, peace, truth …. yes! I remember the first time I noticed that I wasn’t feeling a sensation I’d lived with for decades, a tightness in my chest. I realised I wasn’t living in fear and my system didn’t need to be on permanent alert. I smiled and I felt real happiness and joy. I knew that life was opening up for me. X

    • #126755
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      I am smiling Blueskies3. I still have a lot of books but editing them was one of the big steps. Books and clothes. Travelling light these days :). Sending a smile xx

    • #126737
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hello Headspin, I’ve just seen this thread. Anger. Indeed. How could it be otherwise? Once the fog starts to lift and clarity starts to arrive, it’s no wonder you are feeling anger. You are remembering how he treated you. So feeling anger about his behaviour is totally natural. When we feel anger it’s almost second nature to direct it towards ourselves in the form of self blame or regret or recriminations. That is part of the conditioning and brainwashing process. We do the best we can in impossible circumstances. I notice that my self blame is diminishing gradually as I see more clearly how my ex deliberately and consistently chose his strategies. I now think it is amazing I got out at all. I support the idea of carrying out tasks in a detached or dispassionate way. It sounds as if doing them , though painful, is helping you reach greater clarity. This can inform how you spend what time you do have in ways which are good for your wellbeing. Sending support xx

    • #126720
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Good morning Blueskies3. Glad it made you smile! Even one drawer or shelf is a step. Each step adds up. You can find out a lot about yourself when you declutter. What you find hard to let go of. What you want to hold on to. There’s no rush. Sending encouragement! Xx

    • #126698
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hello miserable@home, I was re-reading what you wrote and I am hoping that you managed to make contact with Womens Aid and am glad that you checked out the Dogs Trust. Hoping you are OK. Sending you support.

    • #126696
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hello Blueskies3, I smiled when I read your post as I am a big fan of decluttering. I used to do it a lot in the years with my ex and each time it helped me get closer to being ready to leave. It is a way of clearing space for new life to emerge. As Mari Kondo says, we ask ourselves ‘does it spark joy?’when deciding whether to keep or let go of an item. Maybe if we applied that to our relationships we might get a different perspective on our questions. Sending love and encouragement, Silverbirch xx

    • #126678
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hello everyone

      I was reading Mary Oliver’s poem
      The Journey again tonight and thought it might be relevant on this thread. Xx

    • #126642
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hello Rose1, what you wrote was so familiar to me. You described exactly the experience of living with an abusive person and the impact it has. I echo what Catjam, Darcy and Beachhut say. I would add the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. Each aspect of what you described is summed up in characters like The Bully , The Headworker, The King of the Castle, The Jailer, and so on. These are illustrated with sketches and sayings. So it makes it simple to see the cumulative effect all of these strategies have on us – until we start to see through it, that is. Every bit of knowledge you gain, through groups or reading or therapy or online forums, is reclaiming your self awareness, your identity and your power. You can do this. I know that’s true because I managed to, women on this forum have managed to, and women all over the world have managed to. Your fear is a natural response to living under threat. It is telling you something. Listen to it. Xx

    • #126603
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hello Grey Rock

      Thank you for understanding. I will look up that book. The experience kept reminding me of the parable of the Good Samaritan. It was as if everyone was walking past me on the roadside, as if nothing was happening. I think that was one of the most damaging aspects of the abuse; having it condoned by people /institutions of faith. There were a few people who really stood by me, but these were not family members. They were (detail removed by moderator) women whose faith was very strong and very real. When they told me they were praying for me, I felt very supported, because they were also helping me practically by listening and encouraging me to get away. But family members praying for me felt like a betrayal, because they weren’t doing anything to help me and were in fact still maintaining friendship with the abuser. There’s a saying about doing nothing in situations of injustice meaning you have chosen the side of the oppressor. That’s what it felt liked. I used to sit in church just crying, week after week. Listening to the Exodus story and about Pharoah’s refusal to let the people go. I could relate to that in a very precise way. I was asking , over and over again, just to be allowed to leave, and being refused and terrorised. All by a pillar of the community who is still a central figure in his church and locality. This is motivating me to find a way to go back into churches eventually and , in a positive way, raise consciousness about the devastating impact of domestic abuse and that it is hidden in plain sight , and that we need to consider our response to it in the light of faith. Are we going to pass by on the other side or are we going to show loving solidarity with people being oppressed?

      I really appreciate your response and your prayers. Bless you .

    • #126563
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hello Blueskies3
      When you wrote about your fear of burning your bridges, I had a thought. Part of what might make it more difficult when any of us faces change is that our minds are hard wired to seek the negative/what may be difficult or challenging and less inclined to reflect on the positive or what is possible. Therefore we often only change the status quo when a situation is absolutely intolerable. This has developed in evolutionary terms in order to help us plan for difficulty and to protect us, but you can see that it also keeps us stuck. So it might be interesting for you to fast forward to imagining looking back at the end of your life. What might you regret? What might you wish you had tried? What might you be glad you did? You are the only one who knows. What we do know is that there are no guarantees. But I wouldn’t change the decision I made to finally leave and I only wish I had done it earlier and wasted less precious time. I can see that I was held in that marriage by deep and lifelong conditioning, reinforced by his domestic terrorism. Now, I deal with everyday life on my own and my confidence and self esteem have returned. I have the love of friends and family and my life has changed beyond recognition. I feel peace and happiness and I do not live in fear. I wish you well as you take time to consider your options xx

    • #126676
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hi Blueskies3, I was really struck by what you wrote about wondering if being older makes leaving more difficult. I remember thinking like that too. I felt vulnerable and it seemed like a very big step to be heading into the world alone. But gradually I realised that there were people and agencies I could ask for help. I also realised that being with him as I grew older and perhaps less physically able would be a very difficult situation and my predicament would be worse than before. So ultimately it felt as if the choice made itself – to take the risk of leaving and seeking a better life, or remain in the certainty of more of the same or worse. I hope you find some space from your other stressors over the weekend and can rest and recharge a bit? Take care xx

    • #126604
      Silverbirch
      Participant

      Hello again Grey Rock, I’ve just looked up the book and a review on goodreads led me to The Emotionally Destructive Relationship by Leslie Vernick. I may order that and read it. To be honest, the impact of the abuse destroyed my faith and I find it hard to go back to anything to do with reading scripture and the orthodox ideas of a loving and protective God. So the language of the church and the bible now doesn’t feel meaningful to me now. But I do still have a very strong spiritual life: it is at the heart of my existence. I’ll see what I think when I’ve done some reading. Thanks again !

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