SingleMomSurvivor

[SingleMomSurvivor]

I forgot to add that the second time he went silent I really emotionally spiraled a bit. Lost my appetite, couldn’t sleep, felt physically drained & even got sick to my stomach. I know it’s because it was too reminiscent of past abuse. But now I’m like, was I being dramatic? Shouldn’t I have been better able to control my emotions & isn’t there something wrong with me for being so distraught by his silence?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi Weather,

Thank you so much for sharing this! Your good news made me smile. You absolutely deserve to go on a holiday and not have to fear experiencing DV. Congratulations on taking your power back and also congratulations for doing something kind and lovely for yourself. I’m very excited for you and hope you have an amazing time! You deserve joy, peace and goodness in your life. Thank you for sharing your good news with us!! You inspire me 💜💜

[SingleMomSurvivor]

When my ex was first arrested for assaulting me, I told his family what he did to me. I figured that since they knew me, they would believe me. Instead the exact opposite happened. Several of them showed up at the house unannounced after he was arrested to confront me. I didn’t let them in. One of them called me & told me I was a liar & said that my ex had told them I had been abusing him! Another one texted me harassing messages. In that moment I finally realized that for a very long time, my ex husband had been telling his family lies about me…that I was crazy, that I was abusing him etc etc & that he had done this so that if I ever came to them for help, they wouldn’t believe me.

Your ex has probably done the same thing because it’s a common tactic abusers use to isolate and cut off support to their victims. If you do decide to share it with his friends and family, be prepared to not be believed, which can be incredibly painful. My advice would be to continue to lean on those people who already support and believe you. You know the abuse you’ve experienced is real & it’s not your burden to convince anyone 💜.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi Moving Target. My heart aches for you and I am so so sorry this man has put you through such hell. It truly is shocking how cruel and evil abusers can be and how long they will continue on with their abuse. I was just commenting in another post that I couldn’t understand why my ex of several years is still continuing on with his silent treatment and other abusive tactics even though we are no longer together. It makes no sense to someone like you or me because we are not abusers. Abusers are capable of a level of deceit and cruelty that is truly unfathomable to you or I. I am so so sorry that he has alienated your daughter & grandkid from you. The pain you must feel! My advice is to pour into yourself in as many ways as possible. Love on yourself, turn your attention to you, the things you love and the things that bring you joy. You are right in that as of now, there is nothing you can do to change your daughters opinion and it sounds like her father has unjustly influenced her. Pour all that energy into yourself. Work to rediscover what brings you joy. It’s easier said than done I know, but you deserve a life full of love and laughter and peace and happy moments.💜

[SingleMomSurvivor]

The other thing that makes zero sense to me is just why, why does he continue on with the silent treatment? We are no longer together, we’ve both moved on, we play no part in each other’s lives other than the minimal contact we have in regards to the kids. He seems happy from what I can tell. What is the point of not responding to important messages about the kids? The messages he’s not responding to are not minor things, but are things I’m court mandated to inform him about…and then he just doesn’t respond. It’s very bizarre. Does he think it will still upset me to the same degree it did when we were together? Is he trying to bait me for a reaction? I pretty much ignore him completely when we do exchanges – I give the kids a quick goodbye, no eye contact with him, I don’t speak to him etc. Is this ongoing silent treatment thing his form of punishment? It’s just all so dumb truly dumb. Who can ever understand the mind of an abuser

[SingleMomSurvivor]

It’s absolutely maddening isn’t it!! The mind games these men continue to play even after we’ve left them and tried to move on. I’m sure my ex is off somewhere right now telling everyone what an irresponsible mother I am for not giving him school clothes for our children. I’m sure he actually believes it to be my fault. He’s such a miserable terrible person.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

My understanding of child maintenance is that the money mums receive is to help us take care of the kids’ needs when they are in our homes and under our care. Maintenance is not supposed to cover the children’s expenses when they are at their father’s house. Dads are supposed to have the items the kids need and not rely on us to provide it to them. I used to send things with my kids when they were going to their dad’s house, including their toothbrushes, pajamas, sometimes extra clothes, etc but then someone on this forum helped me realize it’s not my responsibility to do that. I’ve stopped doing it and it’s been really wonderful. Makes exchanges much simpler for me as I’m not rushing around trying to pack up items for the kids. Now I just hand them over to him and expect him to take care of the rest.

But these men are so manipulative and convincing. They know how much we love our kids and they play on that to make us feel guilty that if the kids don’t have what they need when they are with him then it’s our fault. For example I absolutely know it’s not my fault my kids weren’t dressed for school when I picked them up. I did everything right- communicate with their father, give him advanced notice about the school outfit requirements, tell him directly he’d need his own set of school clothes for the kids at his house and even despite all of that I felt little waves of doubt start to creep up in my mind today. Like, was it my fault the kids weren’t dressed for school? Is he right? And then I had to immediately shut those thoughts down and remember that I’m not responsible for his shortcomings and it’s not my job to do his parenting work for him.
It’s like even once you’re no longer with them you still have to work to deprogram yourself and undo all the twisted logic they got you to believe. I’m still working on that but have come a really long way.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much HFH. It’s become clear to me that he is so disturbed he’s even willing to do things to the kids to get revenge at me. He knew it was a school day, he knew the kids needed to be dressed and ready for school, he knew what they were required to wear and he knew that I had told him weeks prior that he’d need to get his own school clothes. Not having them dressed and ready was a deliberate and conscious decision on his part. There’s absolutely no other explanation. And blaming me for it is typical abuser behavior. It’s upsetting to me and totally threw off my day but I’m happy that I said what I had to say and cut the conversation off because I now know better then to try to have any sort of rational conversation with him. And can you imagine if I had done what he did? He’d be calling me all sorts of unfit mum etc etc. All of it just insanity- to blame me for him not having clothes for his own children. And even worse he didn’t even communicate to me that he didn’t have the proper clothes for them and instead just allowed me to figure it out when I picked them up. He’s a terrible person and I’m happy I got away.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi TS! Thank you as always for your wisdom, kind words and support. 💜 You captured it all so well. What you say about not wanting to come across as vindictive is so true! My ex is really skilled at presenting himself as the victim, so I definitely wanted to make sure that I said enough to get my point across without seeming like I was bashing him. Thank you for reassuring me that I did the right thing. I wanted to come across as a rational, reasonable and concerned mother and so that now if he comes to the school saying all types of horrible things about me it will make him look like the aggressor. Thank you as always TS for your support.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much! This is so reassuring to hear!!

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much HFH!! Your message helped me to feel better. Outside of a few friends & my family, I haven’t really told anyone what happened. My children’s doctor doesn’t know and up until here recently the school didn’t know either. I think I need to start being more honest with the professionals in my kids lives, about what type of father they are being subjected to. I don’t have to give all the nitty gritty details, but I can at least give enough information so the they are clued in. You are so right, the feeling that I’ve done something wrong is definitely left over stuff from the abuse I experienced. I made excuses for his behaviors for years and didn’t tell anyone what was going on. Telling people feels very different.

Thank you for your support ❤️

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much for your reply! I’m happy that your children’s school was able to offer you & your children emotional support! This was one of the reasons I told the headteacher. I’m hoping that if they notice any behavioral changes in my kids, especially on the days after my kids have been at their dad’s house, the school will be able to document it and offer support. I think that I’m so used to not saying anything to anyone, out of fear that my ex will claim I’m trying to alienate him, that saying much of anything felt like I may have been saying too much. Thank you for confirming that I did the right thing.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much for your kind response! It really was so helpful to know that someone else can understand where I’m coming from. I did something recently that I’m really proud of. I told my siblings that I will no longer seek out their help when my mom says abusive things to me because I now accept that they will never defend me the way I have always defended them. I let them know I love them, but that I’m hurt that they never seem to believe me or feel moved to stand up for me when our mother says harmful/hurtful things to me. I let them know that I now fully accept that they will never come to my aid in that way but that I will be ok in spite of that. Moving forward, when my mom says hurtful or abusive things to me I will deal with it on my own. It felt good to say that to them. I feel freer.

[SingleMomSurvivor]

This makes sense! The things I’ve been sending are things that I’m assuming he doesn’t have. You are right that it is not my responsibility to carry the parental weight for both him and me. I will make this change immediately and I think it will help me to feel more empowered. Im learning that it really is a continuous process of undoing and unlearning after leaving an abuser. Undoing some of my old ways of thinking and interacting with him, stepping further and further back, allowing him to be whatever type of father he chooses to be and not trying to cover up his deficits. Thank you so much you have no idea just how much you’ve helped me!!!

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you for this!! It gave me lots to think about. So the event that I informed him about was something that I am court ordered to share with him. I typically don’t give him day to day updates on what’s going on with the kids. One thing I have been doing that I will stop doing after reading your messages is sending overnight bags with the kids. For my youngest child I always snows over some pajamas and their toothbrush and toothpaste. But he is supposed to have his own supply of stuff for the kids and I am not obligated to supply him with anything. I think I worry that if I don’t send over these things, my youngest will go without having their teeth brushed or won’t have any pjs to wear. But I totally get what you’re saying about me continuing to pick up the slack even though he and I are no longer together. It’s hard to let my kids go without when I know I could just send over what they need. But you are absolutely right that this is something I need to stop doing. I will make that change immediately. Thank you for this ❤️❤️❤️

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