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Hi, have you heard about gaslighting?

http://www.thehotline.org/2014/05/what-is-gaslighting/

It sounds as though he may be good at it.

What I learnt with my ex is, it doesn’t matter how good, worthy, forgiving, fair or reasonable you try to be, it will never be good enough.

My epiphany happened as I prepared for court…

…you learn to expect a negative reaction from him and then you begin to think you deserve it.

Just because you know he’s likely to react a certain way doesn’t me you deserve it.

Saying that, my ex still gets to me and I’m still working on my responses. Even this weekend!

Giving advice is always easier.

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Hi!

I left refuge last year.
You can register for the electoral roll anonymously. Check online.

Apart from my local council stuff and my doctors letters, all of my mail and deliveries go to my parents house.

While I was on benefits I set up a password and pseudonym and the letters came to my house addressed to the pseudonym.

I get online bank statements. And I’m very careful about where I put my address, never anywhere unnecessary.

I’m maybe extra vigilant because my ex traced me before I moved to refuge.

My bubble felt like it popped as I transioned to “reality” but I still felt very safe in and around my new area knowing he didn’t know where to find me.

Speak to your support worker at your refuge, ask for their support and the support of whichever council you move to. Explain to the various agencies that need your real address, the dangers that you face if it is revealed.

Good luck. Xxx

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I’m sorry, that opening should have been “I’m NOT speaking of a place of experience”

Still, I hope it helps. Xx

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Hi confused123,

I’m not sure if my advice will help, I’m speaking from a place of experience with this as my child is still quite young.

I can understand the hurt, as my child will try and use his dad against me sometimes.

It sounds as though you gave a stubborn teenager.

I remember my teenage years well. I was stubborn, and always right and mostly thought about how everything affected me and me only.

Maybe part of the reason that you get the blame and the last thought is because you have always been the constant, you have always been reliable and looked after and provided for children.

Their dad’s hasn’t. He’s let them down and left them. And (this I’m assuming from experience) if he is treating them the way he treated you, he needs your children to prove their love, respect and whatever else to him and on his terms.

Your child may be hoping for affection and attention and love from him and doing his bidding.
This may be a selfish stage for your eldest. Let them have it, let them find out for themselves but show them and make sure that they always know that you will always be there to love and support them and to talk to.

Your ex manipulated you and put you through so much that you needed to escape, he may have the same hold on you as he has on your eldest. Support your eldest, don’t fight their relationship, just be their when it us necessary to explain, to hug and to console.

My child thinks my ex is great right now. I haven’t told my child anything damaging but in a short amount of years my ex hasn’t put my child first much at all unless he’s being watched. Right now he is and so my child is benefitting. I really don’t like the influence my ex is having over my child, but I’m going to try my very best to make sure my child is a good and decent human being.

That’s all we can do, especially when we have so much to work against.

Work on a positive relationship between your eldest, your other children and yourself rather than disapproving of the relationship between your ex and your eldest. It sounds like, given time, your ex is capable if proving is unworthiness to your eldest in his own time. Be there to support your eldest rather than to say I told you so, or to stop your eldest finding out at all.

Good luck.

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Hi,
I’m new to the forum but have known about it for a while.
I’ve been split from my ex for a while now and didn’t realise for a long time that the abuse continued after we split. It was all mostly psychological and emotional and included the use of our young child; first to make me stay and then to keep tabs, justify his actions,to keep control, and to punish me.
Following more threats my child and I moved into a refuge.
Being believed was an amazing feeling. I moved out of the area and built a new, happier, much more comfortable life for us.
A Court has ordered me to reveal details of my new location to my ex despite the admission that he has had me followed previously.
The same Judge cleared my ex of my accusations of dv because I “wasn’t without blame” (I shouldn’t have wound him up. Not that I ever did on purpose!)

So, my bubble has popped. I can feel the anxiety rising. I’m just waiting now for something to either happen or not happen.

I have no contact with him at all so I can’t get any clues at all about what to expect.

He is manipulative, intimidating, charming, well spoken, threatening, clever, a liar, jealous, competitive, aggresive and has history with some bad people.

I want to be strong, successful and to live my life free from him and his expectations. I wanted my child to have a happy HEALTHY relationship with him but he can’t help using my child to get to me and I can’t stop it from getting to me.

I have a strong support network and I’m working on some positive changes in 2016 but I’m not looking forward to finding out what effect he will have on our future again.

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