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    • #98767
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Hi Ariana, I am glad you have found a family member who is supportive, try to put the less supportive comments out of your mind, I found that unless you have walked in our shoes, its really difficult to explain without feeling judged, as its so hard to put into short sentences that make sense. Having to explain and feel judged is draining and causes further self doubt. When all we really need is a supportive person to listen and understand. I found a good counsellor and have set my own boundaries on less supportive people and have started to move forward with my life. Ignore those who cannot understand. Focus on you. Lundy Bancroft’s book is a real eye opener, I have also read his daily wisdom book, it helped to keep my relationship with my adult children on a more even keel too. Finding compassion for yourself whilst you make plans to leave and start a new life will give you strength too. Being told for years you will not be able to cope, takes its toll. Have you spoken to your GP? They may be able to organise counselling or find a counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse. Take care. x

    • #98513
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Would it put you in a difficult position to make a statement to your work place without the police protection of their input? I am not sure that your organisation can protect you in the same way as having this properly recorded with the police, who are the only ones to put this to the CPS. I am not a fan of the police either and absolutely understand from first hand experience how the waiting can be torture. Looking after yourself first, may help others more in the long run. xx

    • #97884
      snowbunting
      Participant

      I can relate with those same feelings and sometimes they rush up out of the blue when I am least prepared, I have learnt to either go out and walk or mindful deep breathing to calm my mind. Recently I sat in a church for 20 minutes on my own in a calm space. Once my mind is calmer writing those fears down and then writing back to myself from the people I think are ignoring me with the things going on in their own lives, helps me to understand that mostly its in my head. I try to live in the moment too, without looking at the future as its unknown, so thinking about the now is really calming for me. xxx

    • #97800
      snowbunting
      Participant

      You are brave to put this into words today, its a step towards a better place. A friend suggested a journal to me which really helped. A few notes when you feel like it. Being isolated so that you have no one else to confide in, knocks your self confidence to the ground. I hope you are able to speak to your GP and they may be able to organise some counselling for you too. Honestly I have experienced all sorts of abuse from my ex and being beaten is shocking when it happens, but that day in day out mentally abusive grinding down can be a lot worse. Please do not think anything you say is lame, living with an abusive controlling partner is gruelling and it takes every bit of strength just to function. Sending virtual hugs to you.xxx

    • #97448
      snowbunting
      Participant

      I have been in those times, thinking I must love him, but now with hindsight I know it was trauma bonding and not love. Are you able to find and speak to a domestic abuse counsellor to help work through your feelings? Being compassionate to yourself and understanding why you feel like this really helps. You’ve been through a huge traumatic ordeal. I ultimately survived by thinking how my children would feel without me and your child needs you. I hope things get easier for you. Take care. xx

    • #97445
      snowbunting
      Participant

      The thing that really helps me is to go walking as far as I can to exhaust my body and mind and then feel uplifted by just being outside in nature. I notice the bird song and wildflowers, the changing seasons. Becoming fitter has been a bonus too. Although I have to force myself to walk on the days I am low, I know I will feel more positive just being outside. xx

    • #97444
      snowbunting
      Participant

      I understand that Cecile, are you going to have financial mediation as well as your solicitor? They should prepare a report so that you can check his disclosed finances. And possibly ask for an actuary to be jointly appointed too, if his pension is a large amount. They investigate pensions and investments. I understand that a court can force an actuary should it be needed. The mediators are supposed to be a cheaper way than solicitors in the first instance. My ex has so far refused an actuary, so I know he is both hiding money and spending it on extravagant holidays.
      I understood the pot is the whole amount including the pensions and the house and they should be considered together. So that a proportion of the house or the whole house can be offset against each other. I am not sure how domestic abuse is taken into account by the courts with divorce, once at the courts as I have been told they will just want to see that the divisions are fair to both parties. Although the proceedings are slow, it may be giving you time to start rebuilding your life in the meantime. Somedays I am really overwhelmed by anxiety too. Its a really tough time. xxx

    • #96960
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Hello Shocked, I was in the same position as you, with an ex, who has a job of responsibility and influence. I can relate so well to the complete absorbing pain and fear in your daily life. I could not speak as I was in such mental pain to make sense to myself let alone an outsider. I did eventually find a counsellor who helped me find the courage to have compassion for myself. And although not every experience of speaking to friends and family has gone well, it has made me realise how little people understand of domestic abuse. This forum was my first experience of being with women who truly understand. I look back to a year ago and I literally sat at the window for months, if I went out I would come home and sob, the being with people and putting on a front was absolutely exhausting and drained every last bit of energy from me then gradually things became easier and I am starting to regain some confidence. I wish you well too, keep posting, there are so many supportive women on here who understand. xx

    • #96324
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Hello Goosegirl2, I have been through not telling anyone for a very long time and then finally speaking, the impact on some of my family was very hard to see, as we protect both ourselves and others when we do not speak up but I have owned my past and I do speak about it now both for myself and for other women.
      I haven’t been in the position of telling a new partner but I have wondered if it would make me vulnerable should I ever confide something that may be seen as a weakness to another man.
      Maybe in time you will know yourself when the right moment presents itself or perhaps seeing a counsellor would help to talk through what has happened to you in the past. Take care.x

    • #96320
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Hello, I understand there are long delays in the courts currently but also should you have your financial side agreed before applying for the NISI, as this has been the advice from my solicitor. I understand its much harder to have the financial side agreed after the divorce. If you are the petitioner than you are in control of when the NISI is applied for but once you have that so does your ex and he can then apply for an absolute before the financial side is formalised.

    • #96125
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Hi Half pint, Keep a written record of every time he comes to the house, his actions and take photographs of any damage he does as this is evidence, tipping draws out is not acceptable behaviour, its not normal. Leaving doors open would invalidate your house insurance. Keep a journal of how this is impacting you and your children, as this is all evidence too. His behaviour is controlling and intimidating, again this is evidence. I know when you are scared this is hard to do but try to turn this around if you can and see his every action as potential evidence for a non molestation order. x

    • #96124
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Hi Colouring fairy, it does sound as if those feelings come from years of living in a conditioned state of behaviour from your abusive ex and that messes with your mind. In a difficult conversation with two family members last week, my mind flashed with this is where the shouting starts, my heart was racing and I could feel my legs start to shake. Subconsciously protecting yourself from potential abusive behaviour with your new partner is a human and natural response, you have written with care and understanding in your post and with empathy for your new partner. Be kind and compassionate to yourself first, that person you once were is still there. Take care. x

    • #96121
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Hello Lottieblue, I have been exactly where you are right now, I have taken those car journeys and had those thoughts and asking for help takes courage and shows your strength. I telephoned the samaritans and an incredibly patient kind man listened and talked me through my fears at that point. I also listened several times on audible to a book by Matt Haig – Reasons to stay alive. A man I had never met but who became my go to when I was really struggling. Practically for financial advice I also found free citizens advice was helpful and going to see my doctor to talk my feelings through. I follow some instagram accounts who talk about isolating your thoughts and seeing them as just thoughts you can work around rather than something that defines you. I also know that in despair thats easier said than done. You are not alone, there are lots of women on here who are or have been in your shoes. Living with an abuser is incredibly tough on your emotional resources. Take care of yourself, your daughter needs you too. xx

    • #95952
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Hello Chunkydunk, I am not sure if this will help but thought I would share with you, I have had two counsellors, the first wanted to bring everything back to my unhappy home life as a child. The second counsellor focused more on the positive strength and courage I have in coping with so much for so long. And this really helped my mindset stay strong. You are grieving and that takes time, be patient with yourself and celebrate all of the small things, just getting through each day is tough at first and leaving an abusive man takes incredible courage. Some of my families reaction has been difficult to understand, like you I am outwardly a strong person, my ex a charmer and I covered up for years. I could be whacked and still open the door with a smile – and abusers know that the shame of admitting whats going on is unbearable so we stay quiet until one day you reach the point of no return, but it also shows a great deal of resilience. Take care of yourself. x

    • #95588
      snowbunting
      Participant

      Abuse is abuse. I experienced every version of abuse from my ex and I found the physical abuse isn’t worse or more damaging than the psychological abuse, its all abuse. Keeping a journal helped me see the pattern of the small things and how they add up. The larger obviously violent events, the ones that came with an “apology” are memorable but not the ones that slowly stripped me of my self confidence and sense of identity. I did not want to see the other events or admit them to myself until a friend said I was living in denial. Living with an abuser, swallows you up and spits you out the other end a different person than the one before you met him. I am divorcing him now and its the best thing I could do. A journal was the best advice I was given, its painful and still shocks me to read it back, but the writing helped me understand the pattern of the smaller, subtle but insidious abuse. Take care. x

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