SoundingElement

[SoundingElement]

Hey FL,

Thanks for your reply and sharing a bit of your own story. Luckily I don’t have any children so it made it easier for me to move on, but can completely see where you’re coming from!

Issue for me was I did think I was ready to move on when I did, though I think some of the issues I have I’ll never truly be over – they feel part of me.

We do talk, and he knows a lot about me, but naturally I do close off conversations as last time I opened up in my previous relationship, it was taken advantage of. So it takes me longer to open up now, and be fully honest about how I’m feeling.

I also have a huge sense of pride – I’ve refound my independence, renting my own flat and buying a car (I sold my own one when convinced in the previous relationship it would be a good idea). So it takes a lot for me to take my guard down. I guess talking about difficult subjects feels a little bit scary, like I’m letting down that big shield of independence and pride.

I agree maybe I need to give counselling another go, thank you for this encouragement. I think after this COVID-19 Pandemic is over I’ll re look into it. As you say, I think with years of things happening I’ve found it really easy to just distract myself with work and other things, and power on through each problem. It’s only now that it all comes tumbling out, as you say it’s now complex 🙁

I just desperately want to feel happy. Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost a piece of me.

Thank you for all your help xx

[SoundingElement]

Thanks KIP x

[SoundingElement]

Thanks KIP, today was hard but shifted most my stuff and he was at work so feel better about things. My cat wasn’t there! But the weirdest thing happened. He wasn’t expecting me today so I assumed I’d get an angry email from him as I left him a note of thing that needed sorting via email. I know everyone said 100% no contact but there were still things to sort like the cat, money and tenancy. Turns out he was as nice as pie and even complied with my requests? He even transferred the money! I was flabbergasted. I don’t understand? I was expecting the opposite. He said he is getting help for his anger issues – did any of you get this? The cat is apparently at his mums until we decide, so is safe. I really don’t understand if he is being civil and has accepted it or has other intentions. He still said he wants to meet up face to face to discuss things but is happy to do it in public. I’m not going to but I just find it so odd. X

[SoundingElement]

Thanks everyone. It’s really helpful to know I am not on my own and that others have experienced these emotions and got through it. I am going back tomorrow with my dad whilst I think he will be at work to grab my stuff and put it into storage. It also means I get to check on the cat, though I think regretfully I will have to leave him there for now as am having to go into a hotel temporarily nearer to work until I can find a permanent place of my own (I am looking (detail removed by Moderator)) so it isn’t practical. I’m also worried that taking the cat will infuriate him more and it scares me. I have spoken to my landlady and she did say that we can look to terminate the contract and take me on my own, but we would both had to sign it. He has now said to a friend that he will leave, but I don’t trust him – especially when tomorrow he may come home to find the flat emptied of my things. I feel that he will be in a volatile state after that and anyway, I don’t feel safe to stay there on my own anymore. Once I have a stable home, I am going to look at trying to get the cat back.

So far, there has been no more contact since I blocked him on social media and changed my number. I go through stages of being upset and wanting to talk to him and then reminding myself of the bad times and incidents that have happened – this seems to work as then I get angry at how he has behaved. I agree it is really scary to realise, you become so normalised to it I feel like I didn’t realise how bad it really was. I’m hoping once I know where I am going that there will be a little more light at the end of the tunnel and I can stop feeling so anxious. I’m a bit worried about feeling paranoid… even though I changed my number and know he doesn’t have it I still panicked and didn’t answer an unknown number earlier. It turned out to be the van hire people.

I am a bit worried about my financial situation after this as he still owes me money, but it looks like there is a lot of thoughts towards me likely not getting this back. So, I think I’m just going to take the hit to be safe. I’m also going to speak to work about my current circumstances, though am a bit worried about doing so, I go back (detail removed by Moderator).

Thanks everyone, this has really helped get me through a difficult time. I am just so sorry to hear parts of your stories too.

[SoundingElement]

There are a lot of similarities between what you’ve written and a relationship I’ve just left. You should most definitely not feel like an idiot. I found I became normalised to a lot of these behaviours in my relationship, hence tended to rationalise and accept it rather than challenge it. Similar to you, when I did I wasn’t listened to or acknowledged anyway. The only thing that made me realise they weren’t ok was when I told others. You’ve done absulotely the right thing posting on here! Especially because of how it is making your girls feel. I’d suggest to start making a note of anything he does which you don’t feel is quite right. Like KIP kindly suggested, it might help to identify cycles of abuse. I wish I had done that sooner to identify abusive behaviours I accepted willingly. It sounds like he is taking advantage as well as belittling you.

[SoundingElement]

Hi Shimmy,

Mine wouldn’t stop texting his ex, he said she was lonely and its almost like he had a hold on her too. I think he liked the attention from her and my jealousy. I spoke to another of his exes once and she had said she had to move away and cut him off to get him out of her life, I stupidly didn’t take that as a warning sign at the time but he always spoke really badly of her and blamed a lot of his issues on her ‘abandoning’ him. He always used this as a way of then manipulating me – saying I couldn’t ever leave him and asking if I’d abandon him like she did. Deep down I knew she had to do that to stop him from harassing her too and that he didn’t like the loss of control over her. I think you are right that their relationships with exes are not genuine.

[SoundingElement]

Wow I’d never heard of cycles of abuse, gas lighting or trauma bonding but the more I read the more familiar it all sounds! I think the incident list idea would really help too as ever re-reading my post reinforces that I really don’t ever want to go back. He’s texting my friends to apologise for his actions towards them and said he is going to get help, but they think it could be part of trying to convince me – so they’ve also blocked him. He said he was going to look at other places now too so has stopped refusing to leave, but I’m still a bit worried that he will know where I live so I think I’m going to also move too just to be safe. I’m hoping it will be over soon and that I don’t bump into him as we both work in the same town. Can’t believe how many people there are that go through this and worse, its just so sad. X

[SoundingElement]

Thanks for your response KIP. It’s reassuring – and I will phone the helpline after your advice. I think I’ve made my decision to just draw a line under the current place and just find a new place of my own somewhere where I feel safe despite the money it might cost or I might lose from him. I’m I stupid to feel drawn back to him? I keep thinking of the good times we had, but then hate myself for it as I know he treated me badly. I’ve cut him off by changing my number as you suggested so he can’t lie to me anymore. Why am I finding it so hard to cut him loose though when I know he won’t change? I have some more stuff to collect and put into storage whilst I sort myself out but hoping to go back when he is working and will ensure I am not alone in case he isn’t. Thanks again, it’s so awful reading what others have been though. I hope you have managed to get through your situation now and are safe too x

[SoundingElement]

Also, yellowdaisies – I did read your posts after you messaged and it is very scary how similar it is. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. The cat is the most difficult thing as we brought him 50/50 so I am not sure where I exactly stand on it, though obviously I would rather be the one to keep him and feel I would take better care of him. My landlord has been kind about it, but like I said now, I’d rather not stay 🙁

The worst thing is when you speak to your friends and family after leaving and they tell you how they never felt welcome around him and that they felt pushed away. It really hurt to hear how they thought I had changed, that I wasn’t as strong or happy as I used to be and that my opinions became a mirror of his. I hadn’t even realised I was doing this.

Thanks for your support – and honestly, please do message me too if you want to chat! I find it so helpful to compare situations and reassure myself that it wasn’t me and I wasn’t crazy like he told me I was. If you find it helpful talking too, just drop me a message :).

[Author]

Posts