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    • #138585
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      You are correct sunshines he does feed me the odd crumb. Once a week he might smile at me or seem in a jovial mood which makes my heart sing for a small while.
      But then moments later the angry outbursts that make my heart race. Leaving is so hard. I wish he would have an affair so it would be more clear cut but this constant battle in my head is driving me mad.
      He won’t discuss moving out. I had legal advice where I was told not to leave my house so it’s stalemate.

    • #138545
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Thanks Hazel. I start to wonder is it all in my head. Today has been a better day so I start easing off the accelerator thinking maybe I can stay with him. Maybe it’s not that bad. The only reason today has been a better day is because we haven’t spent any time together.

      I enjoy the days I do not spend time with him.

    • #138534
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Hi Sunnymayday

      So much of what you say is so similar to my life. I have also been with my husband for decades. I now too am realising I have been sexually abused too by this man since I was a teenager. He calls me names such as [email protected], special, weak, pathetic lump, ugly inside and out, loser, lazy and then the awful C word.
      He won’t let me go.
      I feel depressed. I saw a counsellor last year. I too said I was worried I was looking for things and making a mountain out of a molehill. She said that if she thought I was even half exaggerating what I was going through she would still want me to leave him. She was meant to be a person centred counsellor which meant helping me to make my own mind up but I think she was that worried for me she said to get out.
      She said I was the frog in the boiling pan syndrome. As it’s happened over many years I have tolerated more and more.
      I am going to get out.

    • #136496
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      I have also been with my husband decades and I only realised about 5 years ago that I had been making excuses for his behaviour. I have school aged children.

      I just don’t know what is holding me back from leaving him. I think it’s that not every day is a bad day.

    • #134833
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      I put a post on the other day. My husband has (detail removed by moderator) he has explosive rages if he has low or high blood sugar or a quick change in blood sugar. Looking back he was still angry before he developed this condition. I think he has PTSD too.

      (detail removed by moderator)

      It does sound like there is an issue. But it is still not your job to put up with abuse.

    • #134832
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Thanks eyesopening. That’s what worries me. I told him today I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him. Which is true. I really don’t want to spend the second half of my life being yelled at and put down daily. On eggshells waiting for the next outburst. But it’s so hard as for a couple of hours he will be nice -ish

      He constantly turns things round saying I am the bully. Then I spend the whole evening thinking am I wracking my brains as to how I could be a bully.

    • #134831
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      When he told me to get off his coat tails. Implying I was inferior to him. That really hurt.

    • #134682
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Thanks Eyesopening.
      I just feel guilty for making out there is sexual abuse but there is. He has always done it for decades.

      I care about him and it hurts me to say he is sexually abusing me. He hates anything to do with rape. (Detail removed by moderator) so I know he would be horrified to think I think of him as a sexual abuser. But he honestly constantly pressures me for sex. It sickens me. Because he can be so mean to me it’s the last thing I want to do. I feel ugly most the time as he never says I look nice and we are constantly arguing. I need to get out but after such a long marriage and children I am so worried I am making a mistake.

    • #134571
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Many thanks for your comments.

      Chickadee. I didn’t withhold sex as a punishment I just didn’t want to do it with a man who is only half nice to me when he wants sex. And basically is mean to me on a daily basis. The added insult to injury was that he hadn’t lifted a finger to help with anything all day. But even then he still took what he wanted.

      I don’t know who you are but even I know a woman has a right to say no for whatever reason she wants. My issue was should I have said no more than once.

      Maybe your reverse psychology has in fact worked as I now feel even more used and disgusted that he carried on taking what he knew I didn’t want.

    • #133817
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      He will not see anyone. He doesn’t believe in mental illness thinks mental illness is a weakness. He would never go. He wouldn’t come to marriage counselling. He will not budge on anything. Yes I think his time in (detail removed by moderator) has affected him as it was not long after that he became angry. He used to send me lovely letters from (detail removed by moderator).

      I think he is always a simmering pot. That’s how I feel I cannot relax. Even just sitting on sofa watching TV I feel anxious.

    • #133788
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Thank you all for your comments. I have suffered more abuse today. I think like you say he is getting worse knowing I have an appointment. I had hoped in some way he would finally realise I am serious about ending it and say he would try (even though I know it’s unlikely he would change but just some words that we would be ok). The way he yells at me is so awful I stand there with tears rolling down my face and he just carries on.

      Yes I grew up with abuse too. My parents were both abusing. So when i met my husband as a teenager and he worshipped me I thought he had been sent from god a clever good looking lad who adored me. I think he has got away with being so mean to me as I still thought he adored me but he doesn’t. My happiness doesn’t matter to him.

      Yes the children witness the arguments. They are old enough to know that the marriage is bad. But they love us both.

      It’s such a shame. We are blessed. Have good jobs a nice house and we are healthy. What a waste.

    • #133786
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      His rages seem to be worse after he has just eaten his pudding. So I think it’s the quick spike. When he is low he seems to usually be in a silly drunk sort of mood.
      I also worry he is driving the children round when his blood sugar is low which causes arguments as it dangerous.
      He massively over reacts to things and is very irritable after he has eaten. But he did have outbursts prior to being diagnosed.
      I know it has been difficult for him but I have given him a good few years now and he is just the same. He was also in the military so he has seen awful things and been trained to be aggressive. So the mix of it all has turned him into a man who can’t show his anger in a civilised way.

    • #133726
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Thank you both so much.
      It isn’t right the way he treats me. I just don’t know what to do. I have always had an excellent gut instinct. My friends say I should have been a detective. My gut tells me he is abusive and I deserve better but my head won’t listen. My head wants me to stick it out a few more months which I have been doing for the past few years.
      He turns everything round to me telling me I am the Abusive controlling person. And even though I know I have read that is what they do I still question is it me! 🙁

    • #133667
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Hi secretlife
      I am in the same position as you. We have a big mortgage so will need to sell the house first. He could afford to move out in the meantime but I couldn’t. He refuses too. I did ask just for a separation to see if we could work through it but he refused. So looks like I will have to divorce him. I could only afford somewhere really small until I got my share of the house so couldn’t bring the children and I am not going without them. Plus I don’t want to have to move twice.
      Dreading the neighbours finding out. I love my house I am gutted I will lose it.

      He has told me if I divorce he will not give me a penny as maintenance as I asked him what he would give me as although I have my own job I wanted to work out how big a mortgage I could afford if he was giving me some money each month. He spitefully said he would want joint custody so he wouldn’t have to give me a penny as why should he if we share the children 50/50!

      I have just made myself a long list of of all the red flags I have missed over the decades.
      I have an appointment booked with a solicitor but am so nervous. I don’t know if I can go through with it.

      Mine is all emotional stuff too although he does have terrible rages too so I do feel a bit nervous sometimes he might hit me. But so far he hasn’t.

    • #133618
      Stuckinturmoil
      Participant

      Secret life. I could have written your reply myself. It’s exactly the same for me. Even when our child was in hospital I had to sleep there for a few nights. When he would visit it was like we were already divorced. I would expect a normal husband to greet me with a hug and ask how our night had gone. Our child was in terrible pain so the nights were obviously going to be tough. But nothing. He would show emotion to our child though and stroke the child’s head.
      When an extremely close relative died the funeral was on the last day of a holiday he had gone on with a friend he didn’t even offer to get an earlier flight home to support me in the funeral.

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