Suntree

[Suntree]

You have so much coming at you. I just want to send some hugs x

[Suntree]

Social media can be a place for keyboard warriors, trolls and victim blaming. It can be a great source of help and support too. It is just finding out which is which that is a tricky part, which I think people should be very careful about what they share an online and to whom.

[Suntree]

It takes getting sued to but you will.
I joined a outdoor club, gave me a reason to get up and get out.
I used it to start rebuilding very neglected friends and I found that I made new friends where I would even just go out for a walk with them.
That then gave me time to sort out the other things that had to sort out, go through my wardrobe and try on clothes that were long put away and wear them in another way.
For me it was a mixture of me alone time and friends.
I had to learn to do both.
I also used he time to go away. I was given a tent and started to camp again.
You will find something that suits you.
Just takes a little time, a little learning and a little courgage.

[Suntree]

I am on the collection from the CM it was a nightmare. Despite him being in arrears on the last system they still told me they had to give him a chance “several in fact” where I had to report I hadn’t received a payment.
They did the chasing for the missed payments for me.
I also made sure that he did not have my bank account details. There are other ways of setting collecting payments rather than bank accounts. The CM website explains it, even if the people the other end don’t know much about it.

Currently even though I use them to collect the money and they could do direct to his employers (they say they don’t know who his employer are, I provided them with the details…) I keep getting letters to tell me they can’t collect from him and not to rely on the money.

Its a joke.

[Suntree]

Tiffany

Well done for getting out. I think that we are predisposed to think it wasn’t that bad, it could have been worse.
I also believe we hope that when we are out things will be just fine and the hurt will go like a magic wand.

The reality is our brains and emotions and self belief have been so badly messed with and abused it takes time and work to heal and find out what is real and what is fantasy and abuse.

It’s okay to cry.
I looked at my emotions like a toy cupboard fulled with toys that where shut away and now they all come out together. It is overwhelming and an awful lot to go through. It takes time but it is worth it.

[Suntree]

I get you.

Its almost as though we have changed so much on the inside and we are glowing with colour’s we want others to see it and tell us they see it.

But they can’t for we became experts at hiding the other emotions and abuse.

Everyone needs the acknowledgement from the ones we hold close to say we did the right thing and who well we are doing. We need it even more because it took so much for us to leave and we have been devalued for a long time we doubt ourselves very much.

it’s normal to feel as you do.

[Suntree]

Glad you have a great GP and will be getting support.
Mine are back in counselling and we are slowly working through anger, grief, guilt, understanding and a whole lot more.
I am also trying to help them direct that anger and feelings to a safe place and acknowledge it.
With that it can be doing something physical like dragging them to their club or we were outside in the rain bouncing off the emotions which had got stuck.
Sometimes just talking isn’t enough and I think that is very true for children who bottle their feelings up.

I know that one of mine is finding this time very hard as it is focusing on the abuse and it is showing from the triggers and behavour at home, but as they say if they stop they will have no-one to talk to. For they like yours had started to self harm, so they didn’t hurt anyone else and to get rid of the feelings that were inside.
I’m hoping now they will have tools to be able to help them in the future, but my heart breaks that they shouldn’t have been put through any of this at their young age and by someone who was supposed to be their protection against the world.

[Suntree]

Snowwhitedrifted

Your gut is telling you something and a man who can treat a pet like that big red flag.

Give yourself permission to leave.

Do another holiday with you and the kids. Kids don’t need fancy, they need safety and love.

[Suntree]

Hi and welcome.
Whoever advised you to come here was wise and can see what you can’t see at the moment.

It took me years to understand that abuse was not just lots of physical violence.
It took me years to work out that the little things that constantly work away at you are also abuse.
I thought I had to change, I was told that I needed to, it was my fault.

Read what you have written and read it as though it was your daughter, best friend, a stranger telling you those things. What would you say to them??

The thing with metal abuse and control it takes turns things on its head, behavior that shouldn’t be exceptable becomes normal and where normal behavior feels wrong or weird.

They are also amazing at attaching us to them which allows them to keep on abusing and up the abuse, for we will look at changing ourselves to try to reduce the behavior towards us. It is called survival.

Who needs a chain or to beat someone when you can do it pyschologically?

As Ilovemusic said it is him and without sugar coating it, reading what you have written you are in a very abusive relationship.

No amount of you changing will stop that while you are there.

[Suntree]

iwillbeok I know that feeling. It is lovely to get to it isn’t it and it shows to ourselves that we have come a long, long way from the abuse.

[Suntree]

Hugs

I don’t really know, talk to school, keep a diary, talk to the NSPCC.
If it is affecting his school work then something needs to be looked into.
Talk to those who you trust might be able to offer ideas about how the system works.
So hard for children of abusive parents and the system allows the abuse to keep happening for the rights of the parent and not the child.

[Suntree]

From his reply he has now given you a few bits of written info for you to use.
Keep the replies.

First he has told you he is happy for you to do what you have to do.
You have already told him that you will be bringing in legal and sharing the costs.

Second he has told you that he wants the house sold. This is also important for legal.

Thirdly he has agreed he is not to contact you directly, again in order to get the house moved on you need legal.

All in all you now have a way forward in which he has agreed to and wants.

The cost of legal should come out of any house sale before it is split.

And by agreeing with you to take the lead, (not so many words) it will be your legal team and the Estate agents you deal with that should now be moving on selling the house.

You won’t and shouldn’t now have to have anything to do with him, they should deal with handling all the viewings, the legal side of it and communication with him and you. You should know what is happening at all times regarding the house. Including the presentation, the access to it, the lack of response, the stalling tactics etc.

You will need this should you have to go to court to get it sold.

[Suntree]

It seems to me that your eldest doesn’t know when “play fighting” stops and wen it becomes more than that.
It also seems to me that he is causing the shots over both you and your youngest.

I have put down a rule in our house even with my new partner that play fighting isn’t allowed at all. Because they, even the adult, do not know when it stops from play fighting to hurting the other one.

It was not an easy thing to do and a lot of discussion and interaction had to happen to reduce it to what it is.

I had to deal with “you’re over sensitive”, “it’s only a bit of fun”, “they have to learn some way”.

All typical and pout of date responses.

Funny how it was always play fighting until they got hurt….

I am still working on respect to each other. Especially on the big one to the kids, who seems to have a bit of a block on when it comes to “I want to play fight with them to bond…” attitude at times.

If someone asks the other to STOP, or tells them that they are hurting them , then the other should STOP. at the same time the one who said it should not then use that to get back at the other.

We still have rough and tumble. We box on the games consoles.

What has helped as well is using their interest spot on how to channel behavior.

AS for unblocking his number, block him for your peace of mind and believe me if people want to get hold of you for an emergency they will. They could do it before mobile phones or even landlines they can still do it.

[Suntree]

think about a child trying to get their own way, their own needs met. They first try one way, then they try another, then another, trying to work out which or what combination works and if the same tactics worked last time, which will get their goal achieved.
When it isn’t then the temper-tantrum that can come after or the sulks, but in their eyes it is your fault for not for-filling their needs.
But this is not a child who is learning about themselves, the world and boundaries.
This is a grown man who is abusive.
They don’t change, they just change the tactics to get their own needs met.

[Suntree]

They are not thinking about your child or you and are bullying you.
Is it no wonder you are feeling drained and exhausted.
Carry on like this and you will break and they will have the upper hand completely.

When you put your foot down they will make life that bit hard, think teenager tantrum and strops because you don’t give into them.

Have a mantra ready to use like a bad record.

Talk to your health visitor about what is normally considered best for children around your age.

They will tell you things like a regular routine, regular bedtime routine, times to feed, play time, wind down time etc.

Use that to help when you now set your boundaries down.

Write them down for you too look at and you to remind yourself of especially when things get tough.

Stay polite and firm and don’t engage in discussions.

Remember be prepared for the teenage type tantrums, though that is a bit unfair on teenagers but you get the gist

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