Texas

[Texas]

Well done you!  Another positive step forward on the road to recovery and a happier future!

[Texas]

Love this!  Good on you!

[Texas]

Yay well done you!

[Texas]

Littlepixie just know I hear you too x

[Texas]

We are all here to listen when you are ready.

[Texas]

Hi

I suggest reading Lundy Bancroft’s book Why Does He Do That?  A lot of us here have read it.  Not only does it explain the cycle of abuse, it also will validate your experiences.  You will gain some clarity and strength from it.  Some have mentioned you can get it as a free PDF if you Google.

[Texas]

I hear you.

Having been out myself for quite a while now, I can promise you that you will find yourself again.  Your light will shine brighter then ever before, and you will have a new strength that will never let anyone dim it again.  Ever.

[Texas]

Welcome to the road to recovery!  Some days it will be hard, some easy.  Sometimes, you will make great strides. Other times, it will feel like two steps back, but don’t give up!  Embrace the journey and trust in the process, I promise it will lead to better things!  Be completely honest with yourself and roll with the punches – that will get you through it!

You can do it!

[Texas]

Hi Lisa

Thanks for the reply.  Yes I do have like a checklist when I get these episodes but I guess it was more the strength of the emotional reaction that took me by surprise.  I keep telling myself this is all part of the healing process and sometimes you have to go back a couple of steps to go forward.  I would rather that then carry it around for years unprocessed.

I do have some very angry words about people who abuse others and cause this level of harm.

[Texas]

Hiya

I cannot say I have, but others on the forum may relate.  The only thought I have is sadness for the next person who will inevitably go through this hell.

Sorry, I am not sure that helps, but I am so pleased you are doing well overall  😀

[Texas]

Hiya

Well done all for breaking this spell.  You’ll gain a lot of mental energy from this to propel yourself towards the happiness you deserve – and you do deserve it.

Having been out the other side for a while now, I have realised that from the experience a part of me has died.  It’s difficult to explain, it’s like part of my innocence or my faith in people overall.  It’s sad as it removes some of the sparkle from life.  Not sure if I am making any sense?

[Texas]

No worries, and most of all, trust yourself and your instincts.  If sometimes feels off, pay attention.

[Texas]

Hiya

My advice would be not to share too much upfront until you know the person is trustworthy.  As we all probably know, there are some bad apples out there who prey on the vulnerability of others.  I would probably just mention you have had a challenging time lately so would like to take things slowly, and leave it there.  Anyone worth knowing will go at your pace and respect your boundaries.

Maybe you may find it less pressurised if you approach as making new friends and if anything develops it’s  a bonus?

[Texas]

Hiya

I can totally relate to this.  When I felt like this, I just reminded myself that I went no contact to protect and look after myself and by breaking that, I would be giving the message to that it was OK for me to be treated badly.

Stay strong x

[Texas]

Hi,

Yes I can relate to everything you say.  I took things in very small steps on my journey to self acceptance and self recovery.  I did things such as:

Answer very basic questions about myself by writing in my journal – what is my favourite colour, drink, food etc.  If I did not know, I would find out!  Then build from there.  Bigger challenges would be things like what do I enjoy doing?  If I don’t know, I would make a list of things to try and give them a go!  This was the fun bit!

I also thought about my personal values.  I struggled with this so I bought a life coaching book to help.  Knowing this, I could then start to understand what my boundaries were.

I think the biggest takeaway of all was for me was learning to trust myself and that my feelings were valid, no matter what others thought.

I hope this somehow helps x

[Texas]

I can understand that.  When I was like that I would hug myself and tell myself I was safe over and over again.  I know it is much harder in practice, but it does become less intense over time x

[Texas]

@hopingforpeace I experienced what you did about other emotions surfaced.  The best advice I took was to sit with them and let them wash over me like a wave.  It’s OK not to be able to label them at this time, as long as you are allowing yourself to experience them and not fight them.  The naming will follow x

[Texas]

Thank you for the reply 😀

I am determined to make some good come out of an awful experience, and I find using milestones to reflect on how far I have come really helpful and empowering.  The experience has actually set me off on a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, which  am grateful for.  I am learning so much.

[Texas]

I experienced this.  I just treated them like a sulking child and ignored them until they got over themselves, similar to Bananaboat.  Still not a nice thing to go through though, and not constructive.  After all, I’d lost my powers of telepathy to understand what is was all about lol.

[Texas]

It does get better.  I went from crying every day to just feeling a bit sad during key dates, and the sadness is more about him feeling he had to treat me so appallingly when I did nothing wrong.  I too thought it would never end, but it does get easier.  I find it helpful to look back and see how far I have come.  Stay strong 💪

[Texas]

I think the key is to recognise your anger and find healthy ways to deal with those feelings.  Journal, write a letter to your ex (do not send it), scream into a cushion, punch a pillow, go for a run, talk to a trusted friend etc.

[Texas]

Yep, totally normal, it will take time, but the thoughts will fade.  Hang in there x

[Texas]

Have you read Lundy’s book ‘Why does he do that?’.  Lundy ran abuser programs and provides really useful insight you might find helpful.

[Texas]

Hi,

I agree with the advice about clarifying the apology.  Ask him what he is apologising for, his response will tell you if he understands what he has done and the impact on you.

Buying you things to get something in return is cohersion, which is abuse.  So is elbowing you in the chest.

You don’t deserve any of this. Check out the Bloom course – that will help you understand what abuse is to give you knowledge as to what you might do next.

My thoughts are with you x

[Texas]

Hi,

Firstly, welcome.  You have come to the right place, and we are here to help if we can.

First of all, by leaving, you chose to put yourself and your wellbeing first.  Well done, a big step.  I know how scary that can be.  You now need to go no contact to allow yourself time to heal.  Block him on all channels.

You are in the early days of healing, so my first bit of advice for you is to be kind to yourself.  Make sure you are looking after you with healthy meals and enough sleep etc.  You are probably beyond exhausted, so this will help.

Keep talking to others, whether it is a friend, posting on here, or getting counselling.  You need to tell your truth and feel heard.  I don’t think your family will judge you.  I am sure they will want to help and support you.  Maybe tell just one family member first?

Feel your feelings. Don’t squash them down.  Allow them to come.  Cry if you need to.  Punch or scream into a cushion.  This will help you to heal emotionally.

The hardest part for me was the trauma bond.  At first I found it really hard to separate my memories of the good person and the nasty person.  Keep a journal – write down all the nasty things that he did.  Not only will this get them out of your head, but it will also serve as a reminder of the horrible things he has done, which will, over time, break the trauma bond.

I mentioned in another post the Bloom program.  It really is excellent.

Also do some things for you.  Nice bath.  Little projects like decorating a room.  These will help you stop ruminating and give you a sense of achievement.

I am sure there are lots of other ideas others on the forum can give you. The trick is finding a formula that works for you.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to stop blaming yourself.  None of this is your fault.  No one deserves to be treated this way.  You did not make him do anything. He chose to do these things.

Big hugs

[Texas]

THIS!!!

Absolutely agree 100% with this!!

For me, it was also accepting:

My healing journey is unique.

My truth.

That I cannot help or change the abuser.

That I am a worthy person who deserves to be treated with respect.

That none if this was my fault or deserved.

That abusers have a choice; nothing and no one ‘makes’ them do it.

That love is not ‘unconditional’.  From now on for me it is conditional on being treated with respect.

I am sure there are others survivors can add to the list 🙂

 

 

[Texas]

Hi @Beachrunner, just checking in to see how you are?

[Texas]

You are so full of wisdom and helpful advice @minimeerkat x

[Texas]

@Tiredofitall

‘I am owning being selfish for the first time in years.  Its about time I put my happiness first and I’m not apologising for it.’

GOOD FOR YOU!!!

[Texas]

Yes you are right!   Luckily since my post, mine has settled too now and I am definitely seeing the sparkle in other places!  It’s like my brain has almost finished rebooting itself from the brainwashing.

[Author]

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